What you are feeling is completely normal, especially since you have had two ddays and have just made it to a year. The foundation of your marriage was shattered before you, regaining trust, hope, etc is not going to happen overnight.
That being said, there is no shame in walking away if you need to. I think you are going to find you are going to need to heal either way, so it's up to you how much time you want to give your marriage.
I had an affair 5 years ago, I found out my husband had one after mine, presumably using poor coping mechanisms over mine. We are almost two years from his dday. We have found understanding of one another, and in many ways we have improved individually and that's definitely created a marriage I didn't know was even possible. I am very happy that we have made it to where we are today. It's never perfect, mind you, but my marriage is a source of great joy to me today.
That being said, having been the first WS, I think there were some aspects that I actually could empathize with some of what my husband learned about himself and how he was seeing his affair. I don't think empathy is an easy thing for a BS to do only because the thinking that led to the affair and through the affair and even after the affair is quite unfathomable. I also don't think a WS is always deserving of empathy. Notice I don't say sympathy here. I don't feel sorry for my husband, he doesn't feel sorry for me, but we have gained enough understanding of each other's internal world that we can at least put ourselves in each other's shoes.
I don't know that's even a healthy thing to suggest in many situations. Empathizing with your WS could really take you down a road of self-abandonment. Stay true to yourself - if your husband does enough work he may be able to become a safe partner, and if he does that he may even be able to help you understand in a way that you will be able to heal while in the marriage. In absence of him working his ass off, you will stay feeling unsafe and it will be hard to move forward.
Grace is a hard thing to grant to someone. Undeserved favor. Be patient and true to yourself. Don't pressure yourself in order to appease him. I think a lot of times the pressure comes from wanting to be settled and decided. It's uncomfortable to be open-ended while also still being in a marriage. Keep doing the things you are talking about - focusing on what you need. Eventually there will come a time when you realize you can be whole with or without him, and that is a freeing feeling that you are in control of your life once again.
But, with all the gaslighting, trickle-truth, etc, it's a very normal place that you are in. Even if he does all this work, and you still don't want him any longer, it's not for nothing. What he is doing and working on is going to benefit him for the rest of his life. What he is doing he owes to himself, so you owe him nothing just because he finally worked on himself. Don't allow any guilt surrounding that to hold you back. You need to keep focused on you, what you want, what makes you feel better, and put your hope in you and your own future. If you do that, you might find there is room for him there too. I know you are frustrated with yourself, but you shouldn't be. You are having a very normal reaction that anyone would have, you are not defective or unable to do anything that you want to do. It just may take time, but in that time you will learn a whole lot about yourself. It's never a blessing to be cheated on and have your world fall apart, but some of our greatest blessings come from the ashes of things we thought we never would survive. Take care of yourself, and post when you need encouragement.