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Infidelity is everywhere…..

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 Jameson1977 (original poster member #54177) posted at 6:25 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

When I went through my dday nearly seven years ago, I was fortunate to have a good friend of mine going through something similar, so we were able to bounce things off each other through a difficult time for both of us. He suspected infidelity in his 20+ year marriage breakdown but never really had any evidence. His wife just up and left the family one day. I found out about my WW’s A’s about a week after. Going through this really brought us closer together.

He has since remarried and has been going through issues with his new wife. She has alcohol issues and has since day 1. The alcoholism has been getting worse and worse, and seems it has come to a head.

I met with him Saturday since we haven’t seen each other for 3 months or so. We spent a great day just catching up laughing about our past together. We spent a lot of time discussing how his relationship is going. It isn’t going well.

I gave him advise I would expect he would give to me and I left letting him know to call me anytime, I’d be there for him.

Well, I woke up Sunday AM to a social media post (from him) posting about his marriage being over and how she is cheating. He did mention to me (Saturday) that she has gotten physical with him while she was drunk and I immediately thought of SI, and said "make sure to record any interactions so you protect yourself". Even said consider installing cameras in the home to document your interactions so she can’t claim DV. I don’t think she would pull this kind of stunt but you never know and better to be safe than sorry.

All I can do is be there for him. He’s going through a bunch of other crap too at the moment and I know how debilitating infidelity can be. I feel so bad for him, infidelity is truly everywhere crying

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 4:32 AM, Friday, June 24th]

posts: 787   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8741074
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:31 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

Oh wow I feel awful for your friend. Maybe you can direct him to this site for some awesome support! Unfortunately I grew up surrounded by infidelity. I never wanted to get married so when I met my XWS I thought he knew and was different than what I had grown up witnessing... nope. I am really jaded I think infidelity happens more often than not.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
Was Married 19 yrs
DD(19) DS(16)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8290   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8741079
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 6:51 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I think your right CBS... it's happening more than we know- it's not something commonly discussed.

Even people who turn to porn as a substitute for their spouse (instead of as a supplement/team thing? Don't know, don't wanna judge), or those who pine for a "perfect partner" who will just KNOW how to take care of them and MAKE them feel good... maybe not actual infidelity, but definitely saps the energy and investment out of the M.

Jameson, I'm sorry about your friend. It sucks that he has had this in his life 2x now. Addiction on top of an A is even more difficult than an A alone. Talk about a double decker shit sandwich. I wish him an easy divorce and a peaceful future.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8741084
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 6:53 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

i am really sorry for your friend. gosh for him to have to go through this again!!! he must be completely devastated.
i wish him all the best. i am glad you are there for him.
i agree.... infidelity is everywhere. we don't value commitment. we have no loyalty anymore. very sad indeed

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 305   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8741085
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 Jameson1977 (original poster member #54177) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I will definitely recommend he check out SI. I’ve spoken with him about the supper and feedback I’ve received here and feel he could get a lot of of coming here.

As I mentioned, him and I leaned on each other through his 1st marriage imploding and then a week later, my relationship issue.

We both spoke about how there must be a reason these things happened to both of us so close to one another. There is no way we would have gotten through this sh!t storm without each other.

He is 100% moving to divorce. I know this man, he is a good man down to his core and feel he knows he jumped into this new relationship to quickly and ignored the red flags.

There is sooo much more to this story but it isn’t my place to get into the details. If I did detail what he has been through, it would floor a lot of you good folks!

This is an honourable man, but very thing he does is for the family, and to be dealt this blow is just so unfair. I’ve simply told him I am here for him, anytime, whatever he needs.

posts: 787   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8741111
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:11 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

It seems as though many betrayed spouses are really good people who ended up being victimized by their spouse.

I’m sorry for your friend and having been down this road before, at least he knows what to expect.

I hope he has a pre-nup to protect him. 🙏🤞🏻

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12289   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8741125
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Sordid ( member #50143) posted at 11:18 PM on Monday, June 20th, 2022

I don't want to take anything away from the pain your friend is experiencing. I do just want to quickly chime in on the "infidelity is everywhere" aspect of the original post and some of the comments.

First, you need to remember that you aren't friends with a random sample of adults. For the most part, people make friends because of shared characteristics and experiences-- spending time at work together (where you're meeting people who are drawn to the same type of work you do), going to school together (where in High School you are going to share a ton of socio-economic factors with many of your fellow students, and in college you're going to be around people of similar intelligence, drive, etc). When you meet friends in your neighborhood, they are going to be way, way more similar to you than someone you'd meet if you put every adult's name on a slip of paper, shuffled them, and then drew one at random.

So if you look around and see adultery amongst your friends and other people you know, be careful about over-generalizing. There are plenty of people that live in very different communities, with very different experiences, and very different values. The only reasonable way to make a statement about how common infidelity is, is to use statistics, not personal experiences. Unfortunately, the estimates for how common infidelity is vary wildly, and there does not appear to be an authoritative source that you can turn to. I'm inclined to believe the studies that say around 25% of men cheat at least once during their marriage, whilst around 15% of women do so. This seems to be a common finding. But there are serious sources that claim the percentages are double (and even triple!) those numbers.

(I'd be interested in knowing how many of those are unplanned, spur-of-the-moment one night stands that are never repeated. To many people, cheating is cheating, but I consider the calculated lying and deception that goes into an ongoing affair to utterly destroy trust, so there is (to me) no possibility of reconciliation. A one-time, unplanned encounter, where the only lie told is the lie of omission (if the partner doesn't admit it) is still quite serious to me, as it make me question aspects of the relationship like respect, commitment, and love; but it doesn't completely destroy trust (to me).)

Second, you need to remember that as a result of being betrayed, you are probably consciously (like joining this website) and unconsciously (like looking for yellow/red flags in relationships around you, without even thinking much about it, in a way you didn't do before you were betrayed) going to learn about more infidelity than you would have if you hadn't been betrayed. That doesn't imply that there was some high level of infidelity all along that you were blind to; it means that whatever the underlying percentage was, you're now picking up on those cases where it occurs. A really common example of this that I imagine almost all of us have experienced or at least heard someone mention is when you buy a new car: suddenly, you see that car everywhere. It seems like every fifth car on the road is the same model as the new one you just bought. That's not because the new car you bought is way more common than you would have guessed it was, if you had stopped to reason it out; it's because your eyes are recognizing them and your brain is noting them, instead of just sliding right over them.

The reason I think this is worth my (now lengthy) response is that you materially hurt your prospects for having a healthy, happy, committed relationship someday if you overestimate how prevalent infidelity is. Mark Twain said it best: "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore."

(Note: I don't know if that quote was spoken, and someone other than Twain wrote it down; or if it was something he wrote himself. In either event, I have taken the liberty of adding punctuation marks that are not present in the several places I found it with a quick Google search. Such is my hubris.)

[This message edited by Sordid at 11:25 PM, Monday, June 20th]

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do.” Douglas Coupland

posts: 223   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015
id 8741127
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 5:49 AM on Tuesday, June 21st, 2022

Extended Relationships 3 cheaters so far.......sigh.

I think it's common. Being on my own feels like a relief. Don't need the stress.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2362   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8741170
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 10:43 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

infidelity is truly everywhere

Indeed, infidelity is far more common in our society than we know.

From my experience, it can gain acceptance among some, more than others.

From my mental calculations, among my XWW’s core ring of "friends", at minimum, 80 percent of them have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.

Among my core ring of friends, at best, about 10 percent have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.

It seems people tend to gravitate towards others of similar values and moral compass.

Our wildly influential entertainment media, aka "Hollywood", not only portrays vast amounts of infidelity, but also portrays it as acceptable, romanticized, fun, and many times as necessary - with the betrayed almost always being the vilified "cause" of the infidelity.

We see it very often in the ubiquitous cesspool otherwise known as "politicians".

As much destruction and immense pain and trauma it causes, especially to children, it’s amazing how our society tolerates the acceptable portrayal of infidelity.

It says a lot about us as a society.

I have heard for many years that "financial issues" is the leading cause of divorce in the US.

I don’t believe that at all.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:45 PM, Thursday, June 23rd]

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1220   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8741581
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hcsv ( member #51813) posted at 11:36 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Ex was in the restaurant business. A hot bed for drugs, alcohol and infidelity.

After 40 years, ex turned into someone I didnt know and couldnt trust anymore. Divorced. 1/17

posts: 715   ·   registered: Feb. 14th, 2016
id 8741585
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:06 AM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

From my mental calculations, among my XWW’s core ring of "friends", at minimum, 80 percent of them have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.

Among my core ring of friends, at best, about 10 percent have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.

We are the company we keep. Contagion effect can't be discounted.

posts: 1259   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8741597
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 1:57 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

From my mental calculations, among my XWW’s core ring of "friends", at minimum, 80 percent of them have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.

Among my core ring of friends, at best, about 10 percent have committed infidelity and destroyed their marriages and families.


We are the company we keep. Contagion effect can't be discounted.


Very true - agree 100%

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 335   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8741649
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, June 24th, 2022

I dont know how to quote so...so here goes.

Statics on infidelities are hard to pin down because not everyone views the same events as cheating.

Example, my wife and I met a couple that would occasionally go on dates with others. Nothing physical (according to them) just dating with some flirting. Many would absolutely view this as cheating, but not everyone does. Its not really a generalized statement to say infidelities are everywhere because its subjective to the individual.

I've seen studies that say upwards of 70% of marriages are touched by cheating, with one spouse heavily flirting to kissing someone else. For those who view flirting as being unfaithful the statement of cheating everywhere would stand as truth.

posts: 79   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
id 8741797
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