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Newest Member: Papi

General :
Contact from the ex

Topic is Sleeping.
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, June 10th, 2022

OTOH, the meeting is an opportunity to test your boundaries and gather more info.

Maybe you can answer every question with a genuine, 'What difference does my answer make?' Or even, 'I have to think about this for a few days before I can give you an answer.'

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27435   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8739656
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 1:44 AM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

Just take a fire extinguisher so you can put out the dumpster fire it will likely be.

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3415   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8739706
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src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 5:35 AM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

Minimally, you should ask her what she wants to talk about. Do not agree to meet with her before she discloses the reason for the meetup. Don't be a fool. Don't let her make you a fool. Call her and tell her you need to know exactly the reason for the meetup. Then you will decide whether to meet her. It could be anything. Maybe she wants to move out of the area with your child and the AP and wants your permission. You don't know. Maybe she intends to marry the AP and wants to tell you in person. You don't need that shit. I urge you to find out the nature of the meetup so you can be prepared emotionally for what she has up her sleeve. You don't want to be caught off guard. She is not your friend. Don't you ever forget it.

My advice. Get yourself in the best physical shape of your life. Start thinking about dating others. It's been about five or six months. Time for you to move on. Don't be her plan B. She will do it again. She doesn't respect you. Never forget that. You shouldn't respect her. She was probably dumped because that is the track record of her AP. Now she may wish to crawl back to you. Do you honestly want this person back in your life? The answer should be NO.

[This message edited by src9043 at 5:51 AM, Saturday, June 11th]

posts: 655   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8739714
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:46 AM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

I suggest if you decide to meet with her that you have a plan.

First if she starts "lovebombing" you - you shut that down. Don’t let her try to butter you up or try to "talk" you into anything.

Second- you need to have an exit strategy. Suggestion: if she tries to talk about any one of 5 topics (as a random example) - and you don’t want to - you tell her that you are sorry she wasted her time (and yours) but that topic is not open for discussion.

And you leave. End of meeting.

Third - you don’t let her control the narrative. After a few minutes of polite chit chat - you cut to the chase - "why are we here?" Basically it’s a "what do you want" type of question.

Don’t allow her to dance around the topic. She needs to get to the point.

Fourth - be prepared for what the discussion could be. My initial thoughts are - she wants a D, she wants to hurry up the D, she wants you back, she wants to move far away, she wants $ or she wants an unfair settlement in a D (like house, car, crazy alimony / child support).

Point is - be prepared and ready to walk away if need be.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8739719
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 7:42 PM on Saturday, June 11th, 2022

anyone else has been in this position before and what happened.

I have been in a similar position, discovered husband’s affair, separated from husband, he moved in with his AP. Abandoned me.

During the separation, he made excuses to see me more often than needed. I kept NC except for the splitting up of our finances and our mutual company reorganization. I found the frequency of our face to face was unnecessary. Text or emails were ok.
I also politely refused to see him.

Well he had an agenda: He blindsided me during a "let’s review our finances " face to face,

He said he loved me, he wanted to return. I could not wrap my head around that!
To buy time so that I could figure out the next move, I told him the only way I will ever consider him talking to me about returning is when he leaves the AP forever, NC with the AP, moves into a place of his own, and stops his heavy drinking and then and only then will we talk about this.

In addition, after this announcement of his I drafted about 15 questions for him to answer on paper, around the affair. The why’s and the when’s…

I went on with my life. He stayed NC. I had no expectations from him at all. He hurt me horribly, he abandoned me, I was one angry BS.

Over time, I received his answers to my questions. He left the AP, he moved out of her place into a long term residence hotel. He stopped the heavy drinking. He kept in touch with her as he still had stuff at her place that needed to be picked up.

We began talking. We went out together and kept talking about our lives. We kept talking and talking. He got his stuff from the AP s house, and with my permission, moved the boxes into our garage. He kept NC with that woman.

I know it’s a long story, and there are many things I left out.

Your decision is uncomplicated really: go or not go to that meeting. Just be prepared for new information, maybe some surprises, validations of your thoughts about her, etc.etc. Beware of nostalgia guiding you. Or of nostalgia guiding her actions.

Actually why not text her and ask her what is the nature of this get together before you meet up?

Me: fBS late 60’s
Him: fWH late 60’s
DDay : March 2019
Separation: March 2019
R: June 2019

Shift your internal stance from "I’m right and you’re wrong" to "help me understand." Everything else follows from it...

posts: 318   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8739758
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 2:29 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

If you don't want to reconcile, tell her your nobody's plan B, especially for a selfish, manipulative, lying cheater.

I suggest you find yourself a girlfriend, or at least start going on dates if you aren't already.

Then next time she wants to talk, take up all the oxygen telling her how wonderful your new GF is.

If you do reconcile... don't take any shit from her. And be a lot more selfish in this reconciled relationship. And work hard at upping your dating value, new clothes, etc. She needs to know you could leave her no problem.

posts: 472   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8740265
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Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 7:21 AM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Please be careful.

My ex was contacting me throughout May, wanting talk, 2 hour conversations. Telling me he missed me, maybe made a terrible mistake. I thought he was looking to R. I was certain of it.

How wrong I was. He just wanted to hear all about me. How I was. Then he proceeded to tell me all about his new life with the OW. I believe he was trying to make himself feel better by trying to be friendly with me.

I cannot describe the pain. Protect yourself. I agree with what others have suggested. Keep saying no and see what happens. But definitely find out what her intentions are before meeting.

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8740287
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:26 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

How wrong I was. He just wanted to hear all about me. How I was. Then he proceeded to tell me all about his new life with the OW. I believe he was trying to make himself feel better by trying to be friendly with me.


Yep, been there. I've thought my XWH wanted to reconcile on a few occasions when he was so desperate to get together and talk only for a very similar realization.

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1233   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8740325
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 4:50 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

So has this convo happened? What did she want?

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5606   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740329
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 BraveinAdversity (original poster new member #79863) posted at 5:48 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Hi everyone,

Firstly thanks for your thoughts and honest opinions its appreciated. Its also good to look at things from other people perspectives and experiences.

I had to cancel the meeting due to work commitments so it will now be tomorrow evening (UK time). I took your suggestions and asked what the purpose of the meeting was for. She replied with 'to sort things out', which is very vague and could mean a hundred things, most likely on purpose so she still feels in control. I'm convinced that it's to discuss introducing our son to AP and them moving in together.

Ive accepted this will happen and would just be a matter of time. I also accept I can't stop this situation happening so will just listen to what she has to say.

I will update after the meeting.

Dig deep, this shit is hard, but you got this!

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Yorkshire UK
id 8740347
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

If it does end up being about moving the AP in, give some consideration to requesting a background check at her expense. Also, proof of no communicable disease that can be passed on to your youngster. You might one day have to do the same if you were to move an SO in with you, but so what? At least you'll know who the hell is sleeping under the same roof with your kid, right?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5767   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740349
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:55 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

Hi BraveinAdversity,

I’m glad you’re tempering your expectations on this meeting. My first thought is that she is engaged to OM (people tend to get engaged on holidays). Though I see you seem to think that your child hasn’t met OM yet so maybe I’m jumping the gun. Either way, good luck.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8740350
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 3:17 AM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

I can't imagine showing up to hear that. She can call you if she must. I'm not saying this to judge you at all, I just feel the sting of it, the proverbial kick in the gut and I cannot fathom her need to see your face as she does it.

Except she's trying to control the situation and pretending to be all adult about it and giving you the "courtesy" of a face to face convo. Bullocks.

Because you know if you said hell no, she's going to do it anyway so this "let's pretend to be adults" is a con.

Tell her no and see how adult she is about it.

I feel for you. If you really think this is what she wants to meet up and discuss, think through your reaction and how you really feel about it. Be prepared with your response. Give it then walk out.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8740414
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 BraveinAdversity (original poster new member #79863) posted at 10:07 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

So the meetup has happened. Please forgive me if anything is incoherent and just a little taken back.

She wants to attempt R. I did not give any commitment either way.

Says no pressure on me to commit and will give me as much time as I need and what conditions I have if im willing.

She answered all the questions that I asked and they all matched the information that I was aware of (albeit she didn't what I was aware of). She also disclosed more that I didnt know. Food for thought!

Timelines given and NC confirmed with AP since March 14th. I'm not naive enough to think she could be using alternative methods.

She seemed remorseful, no blame placed on me unlike Dday, she took responsibility for the actions and choices made. I have asked if she would be willing to give me access to all devices and SM accounts if I wanted; she agreed. At the end of the discussion I said I would like to meet again next week as I probably have more questions, which she has agreed to.

Any further advice very welcome and what I should do next as this wasnt the scenario I was expecting. I have the weekend away with my son to think and process if R is what I want to consider.

Dig deep, this shit is hard, but you got this!

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Yorkshire UK
id 8740518
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 11:01 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

Did she say why? Seems like she had her fling, it ended and now she wants to come home.

As we say around here, it's all about what you want.

Give some thought to how it's going to feel letting her back into your home and heart. You won't trust her. She is going to have to figure out how she threw you away like yesterday's trash with ne'er a look back. You're going to have to figure out if you can live with that because that fact is never going to change. She will need to change however to become worthy of a second chance. That's a long haul, worked on every single day for years to come. She up to that? You up to waiting and risking it?

Only you can answer. But really think about the reality of letting her get close to you again. Her sudden 180 is disturbing.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8740523
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:02 PM on Thursday, June 16th, 2022

I have to admit, I'm flummoxed by the "scheduling a meeting" thing. Are you guys typically this formal with each other? Is that normal for you? Did you feel pressured to give her a response?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5767   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8740525
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 12:03 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Honestly, I know this is what you want, so (if she is willing to do the work) I am happy for you. I hope she stays the course and things work out. People DO get back together after this crap (I was separated for four years!).

Just carefully plan your list of needs and maybe consider moving slowly (dating her first?). There is a lot of good advice here on how to R. I wish you much luck as you begin this rollercoaster of ups and downs, good days and bad days, certainties and doubts. But it CAN work out if her remorse is real and your desire is strong enough.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5606   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8740534
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bluewater ( member #9297) posted at 12:56 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

She wants to attempt R

Why?

What has changed?

Be very very careful. Remember she is your ex-wife for a reason

posts: 661   ·   registered: Jan. 5th, 2006
id 8740538
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:21 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Actually, I’m not too surprised based on what you described of the AP and your WS mid-life crisis. This whole thing came out of the blue. A fantasy with a guy who is 39 and never attached. You have a long history together. She went for the fantasy escape. They don’t last.

You decide what you need and want going forward. If you decide you want to try to R, figure out what your boundaries are. She needs to figure out why this fantasy escape betrayal was acceptable to her, and deal with her issues. If you don’t want to R, that’s okay too. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 9:05 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3216   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8740540
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:56 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Demand a post nup.

Protect your assets. Protect yourself.

So the affair is over and she’s unhappy and all of a sudden she’s very sorry and willing to do whatever it takes.

Proceed cautiously while you figure out what you really want. I’m not saying not to R - but sone if your requirements should be counseling for her, access to electronics and social media accounts and whatever what you need (no girls night out, no cars without you etc).

I demanded a post bio to even consider R. My H willingly signed it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12339   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8740548
Topic is Sleeping.
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