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Contact from the ex

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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:40 AM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Post nups are not a thing in UK. We’ve investigated this route and got advice from a solicitor who explained that unless they are fair, they wouldn’t stand in court, ie. a post nup that fully awards the only property to one spouse without recompensing the other spouse would not stand in court as it would make one spouse homeless.

You can do a post nup that fairly divides assets but it’s worth noting the law already states everything should be divided 50/50, so you’d end up spending additional money (in our case £2k) to draft a document which would follow the legal requirements anyway.

OP there is absolutely no rush for you to make a decision. Someone from this forum told me once, when I was so set on R, to take it slow and see where it leads me. Don’t make any reconciliation commitments to her. Ask for everything you need to heal. Individual Counselling is a must for her (and if you can get some IC that would help you too). Tell her that you don’t know if it will be a success or not, if you’ll end up together again or divorced. She’ll have to show you she’s a different person who wouldn’t put you through this ever again, that she fully regrets her actions and is remorseful, you’ll then have to decide if all her actions are enough to reconcile. If she can’t dedicate herself to the process without reconciliation promises from you then you’ll have your answer.

Otherwise, if you fully commit now, you risk getting back with a spouse who will constantly tell you to get over it and stop talking about it because you said you’ll reconcile.

BW - 38 at the time of the AWH - 45 at the time of the ADday - 27/9/2017

posts: 1503   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8740564
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 BraveinAdversity (original poster new member #79863) posted at 8:58 PM on Friday, June 17th, 2022

Firstly thankyou again for all your words of wisdom.

I knew as soon as R was mentioned that it was something that I would commit to. I have to be true to myself and admit I still have feeling for her. The time spent seperated and 180 has allowed me to appreciate my worth enough to walk away if she doesn't hold her end of the equation without any sorrow and I've already told her that the old us doesnt exist anymore. The we that existed in time and space before dday and the affair are resigned to the pages of our shared history.

I feel I have nothing left to loose in a sense, as the relationship we had ended with her infidelity and anything we create going forward will be something new. If it doesnt work; fine, no regrets. I will smile and accept I tried. If it does great, no complaints here. I've already protected myself financially and in that respect we are two seperate individuals now, so I view this as a completely new beginning. I have been in IC since January and will be insisting that she does too as one of my conditions for R. If she agrees great, if not I walk away. I won't be rushed and will watch her actions closely.

I also want to add that every single post and thread on this forum has either given me hope for the future or allowed for reflection, self confrontation and personal growth. You are all such strong, loving and caring people (please remember and believe that) and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to read and respond to me even when you are in your own pain and journeys. God bless or (((virtual hugs))) or both whichever you prefer.

Dig deep, this shit is hard, but you got this!

posts: 23   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Yorkshire UK
id 8740763
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cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 5:53 AM on Saturday, June 18th, 2022

This can go back to square one. All your healing will be for naught.

I’ve been no contact 4 years and 2 months. I haven’t heard a peep. I’ve suspected stalking. there is a reality inside of me that will always miss what I thought we were. I can still have a sad day.

There is absolutely no way I will give up those very hard earned lessons. I will not lose one minute of my healing. It’s was a nightmare. It was hell. Nothing is worth my healing.

Especially the one who put this on me. I will not listen to an abuser . it took a very long time to heal. His next batch of lies are worthless.

We did try to work things out. A few times. WIthout ever separating. It was stalling on his part.

I wish you well. I would highly recommend researching this stage. No need to stop learning. People have experienced these choices too.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 5:59 AM, Saturday, June 18th]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4774   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8740793
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