I am sorry you feel this way. I wish that could change for you.
I believe that the betrayed spouse never gets the full truth in most cases. I don’t feel my H told me the 100% truth about his first affair. But I know enough that I had to accept what I know - and move on.
He swears he was not in love with OW1 but yet he loved the attention. It may or may not be true - but it doesn’t matter b/c I believe my version of events anyway.
Point is — it doesn’t matter WHAT he says. It only matters what I BELIEVE.
It’s not semantics. It’s not a game.
I don’t know what answers you need from your wife. From all the pages of this thread you seem to have the details of your wife’s affair. I wish I could help you get out of this "investigation" mentality because that part was the most damaging to me.
It had me stuck in a warp that made me miserable yet I was unable to stop it. It’s like being caught in a riptide - you know not to swim against it but yet your instinct is "to do something". So you swim against it.
The day I decided I had enough of the mental torture I was putting myself through (and stopped digging for information) was the day I made a very positive change and started on a better path to healing myself and choosing R.
I knew more about my H than he knew about himself. And accepting I had enough information and details was the day I chose to do something better for me.
I didn’t R without knowing everything I needed to know - and what I didn’t "know" didn’t really matter.
Here’s an example to follow up with my last post.
My H traveled extensively on business. Every week. Sometimes weeks at a time. All over the world.
During this time I always knew he could cheat and I would never know. But I never thought he would.
After the second Affair - I am sure he did cheat on me during those business trips. He had opportunity.
Did I ask him? No. If I did I am sure he would lie.
And it doesn’t matter what he would say b/c I believe he did.
And that’s enough for me. I don’t need proof. And I don’t need him to admit anything.
I understand the point you're making: that I just need to stop digging and choose to move forward. I just don't know how to do that. I can't bear the thought of starting a new relationship with my wife while there are all these lies rotting beneath us.
I'll give you an example.
Last night, in an effort to show transparency, my wife volunteered that back in 2009 (we were living together; not married), her exbf from high school was in town and asked to meet her for drinks after work. She agreed, but on the evening she was supposed to meet him, she instead got on a train and came home. She felt guilty about it and realized drinking with him could lead her down a dangerous path. She was halfway back home before he texted her asking where she was and she told him she had a headache and had to cancel.
She then asked if sharing things like that helped me.
My initial response was "yes and no"--"yes" in that I want her to share everything, but "no" in that it was an example of her doing the right thing, so it's not harmful to her to share. Then we moved on to a different topic.
This morning I was out on a run and the story hit me in the face. What had she told me she was going to do that night when she initially planned to meet him? So I asked her, and she blurted out: "Oh, I probably just told you I was planning to meet co-workers." (Note: I think I actually remember the night--her coming home saying she had a headache and couldn't meet her co-workers.)
I was in shock and how effortless her response was--like no big deal, I just lied to you and said I was planning to meet co-workers when in reality I may have gone to fuck an exbf.
She then backtracked, saying it was in 2009 and doesn't even remember the lie she told me (whether it was co-workers or not). But it's all so central to the problem now--the truth is she was lying to me all the time about everything; it was all harmless to her. I can't think of a time I've ever lied to her, so the idea of lying to her about seeing an ex would have been a big deal to me--to her it was just a Tuesday morning.
I am just not capable of moving forward with her as long as a seemingly infinite amount of lies exist in our previous relationship. None of them are acceptable. So I've asked her to make a new testimony, going back to when we met in 2004. covering all the times she was too cowardly to tell me something, and she agreed. Objectively, it seems like a lot to ask, but I don't see another way out from under this (aside from just walking away from the relationship). And truthfully, I don't think it's a task she can do to my satisfaction because my expectation is thousands of revelations and I know that's not coming.
I'm simply not capable of doing what you did with your husband: just accepting that he's lying and cheating on you and you don't want to know about it. That's just not good enough for me for the person I'd be living with the rest of my life.