Doctor Strangelove, I want to thank you for your reply to this post, and I mean no ill will or agression toweard this poster:
One of the things I see frequently here is men that just cannot understand how their wife could do the things she did in an affair yet have apprehension or reservation in engaging in those same things with her husband. She explains…and that aspect makes perfect sense to me as a woman. Yet they get stuck there - continually bringing it back to prowess, desire, even equipment. They think their wives are just lying.
I understand it entirely; like I wrote, I just don’t care.
My wife spent 15~ years destroying our sex life. She wielded sex like a weapon over her husband, who loved her dearly. I have no doubt it was well justified in her mind: I belittled her, was dismissive of her, disrespected her—she convinced herself of all kinds of monstrous things. I have zero sympathy for any of it as not once did she raise it in a conversation with me.
She stole 15 years of passion and love from my life; all the time I thought she was dealing with entirely different issues that she wouldn’t or couldn’t communicate.
Fast-forward to now.
I learn that she fell for another man; a spark that drew her to him emotionally and eventually physically. She gave herself entirely to the man sexually.
She doesn’t get to do that. It’s not part of the game—she broke all the rules.
This is a fairly frequent argument in the general forum: Betrayed husbands who are sickened that their wives were reserved or distant sexually over years - even decade! Then some sleazebag comes along and they embark on a secret life where they fuck him six ways to Sunday, in every hole, in public place, every act that the husband ever expressed desire for and was denied, and a bunch of others - all given freely.
Essentially the betrayed husband side of the argument goes: If she could do it for the sleazebag, who didn't marry her, partner with her, raise a family with her, accepted all of her bullshit, perhaps supported her - then she should not hold back with me.
Then the other side goes: You're trying to exert control over her body, you are coercive, how dare you, you're like a rapist, maybe she didn't really want to do all that stuff she did over and over and over again without hesitation, that she texted him about doing, and told him she couldn't wait to do again, that she carefully planned to do behind your back, and so on...
Basically the betrayed husband is accused of not being understanding enough of his partner's sexual autonomy and so on.
Mind you - this argument is essentially never made for cheating male spouses, and generally the instructions are, whatever the cheating male did for his sleazy AP, he should do for his wife double or more - gifts, intimacy, going places, love letters whatever.
Back to the betrayed husband who wants the level sex that somehow was freely showered upon some shitbag, the accusation is leveled that he just "doesn't understand" how women and their sexuality works or something like that.
In fact, it is the reverse - those making this argument don't understand, or perhaps do not care, at what they wholesale offering of your wife's sexuality to Mr. Shitstain, particularly when your marital sex life has been completely restrained and suppressed for years on end does to said betrayed husband.
And then topping it off with - "I don't want to do those same things for you because..."
The thing is - I actually agree with them! Your cheating wife, or any cheating wife does not have to do anything they don't want to do with you sexually.
And honestly, if your wife feels pressured into these sex acts, are they going to be enjoyable for you? I assume not.
That's why I asked you way back when if you can live with the way your wife gave herself sexually to the pta cop going forward in your life?
Because, despite all this "maybe she didn't want to..." speculation, she asked him to fuck her in the ass. She asked him to do other things. She planned and executed on parking lot sex and so on.
In my world, when you ask somebody for something, that is a pretty strong indication that you want said thing.
And, Dr. Strangelove, if she isn't unprompted, asking you to fuck her in the ass, then I think that is a pretty strong indicator of how she feels about you vs. him on the sexual desire scale.
You decide if that is tenable. Not me, not someone trying to defend the honor of all women through your wife. You decide.