I'm sorry you qualify for membership in SI. Pre-covid, we used to have g2gs - real life get togethers - in people's homes. They were very freeform and ranged from parties to peer group therapy. I mention them because I attended a number of them, and I know first hand that we are a group of strong, caring people. In joining us, you show strength and caring, too.
We are also a diverse group. I'll demonstrate some of that by saying that I think your initial tactics have been wise. My W's ap tried to get into our building on d-day, and I made my W stay in our apartment. I took her car keys away, and kept them away for weeks. I wish I hadn't done either. If I had left her free to act, I'd have gotten more evidence that she was truly done with her A. It might have made my decision to R easier.
In your case, your H has shown he's not ready to end his A. That forces you to impose consequences. You're insisting that he enter therapy. IMO, that's a good move. (I'd add to qualifiers, BTW: 1) that he take as one goal for his IC to change from betrayer to good partner; and 2) that he sign a release that allows his IC to talk with you about his goals and progress.)
IMO, the ONLY way he will become a good partner is to dig deep and break down the internal barriers that allowed him to betray himself and you and your child. He'll be the prime beneficiary of that work, but it will benefit everyone he knows, and the closer you are, the more benefit you'll get.
But your best bet by far is to focus on therapy being your deal breaker. He may need to go through a few therapists to find the right one, but he has to keep moving, and he has to show changed behavior for R to succeed.
You choose your deal breakers. IC is a good one. It's OK for ending his A to be one. It's OK for you to decide to D unless he quickly comes to believe that he's in an A and has to go NC with his ap. It's OK for you to D unless he starts to initiate sex, despite his work problems (which may in fact be very real).
Your deal breakers are up to you. The thing is this: if you decide something is a deal breaker, you have to invoke the consequence if he doesn't step up.
It's not because 'consequences' keep someone on the straight and narrow. In fact, if his self-esteem is low and/or he hates himself, he wants the negative consequence.
Rather, the consequence is important because each of us has to set boundaries beyond which we will not go. We need to impose the consequences we set in order to build and maintain our own self-respect.
I think I've written this post as a know-it-all moralizing SOB. That's obviously part of me. Rest assured that I know most of life is not one way or another; there are variations and shadings in every sitch.
So have some faith in yourself to find your way through this to surviving and thriving, and know that one guy with lots of experience in life thinks you're taking some very good steps. It's just that no one is always right.
And also know that you can make mistakes and recover from them....
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:23 PM, Tuesday, May 24th]