I just really dislike this type of communication of threats and treating me like a piece of shit - coursing out and screaming in front of kids, etc.
Spaceman, no one should be treated like a piece of shit. Your wife needs more and better IC than she is getting if this is the way she treats you IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. How do you react during these tirades in front of the kids? If it's to be passive and say nothing, you're teaching the kids to accept abuse. You're teaching kids that if you do something wrong, try your best to atone, that even after that you deserve abuse. This is not healthy. For you or the kids. No one deserves less than respect. Even a cheater. Even if all the respect she can muster is to treat you coldly and give one word answers to any questions. Even if she has to remove herself from your presence if she can't keep it together. These are all respectful ways of dealing with her overwhelming pain and anger. Yelling and screaming and treating you like a piece of shit only serve to diminish her own dignity. She is hurting herself as much as she is hurting you during these outbursts. And the kids are absorbing everything.
Your response doesn't have to throw more gasoline on the fire, but a firm, "I refuse to be spoken to in this manner. We need to stop this discussion as I am overwhelmed by this treatment and the discussion will no longer be productive." If she cannot remove herself from the situation, you need to remove yourself from it. Excusing yourself with as much "I statements" as possible, keeping the statements "I am feeling overwhelmed by this treatment" and "I cannot continue this discussion in a productive or healthy manner and need it to stop" or "I need a time out right now, I am overwhelmed. We can come back to this discussion when I have calmed down- let's give it a rest until X time." And then call her or contact her at X time.
Lather rinse repeat. If you cannot have civil discussion verbally, "I am easily overwhelmed during our discussions. In order to keep our communication productive and respectful, I need to communicate with you only through email/text." Then, if she continues to try and rope you in, "I can only discuss this through email/text, I am overwhelmed." And then, respond only in single syllables until you leave. You need to shut this behavior down and train your wife to respect you. Keep your convos to kids/finances/house. THAT IS IT.
While you divorce, you are her enemy. She is a business partner who is determined to ruin your reputation, drag you through the mud and take over your "company" (finances) in a hostile manner solely for the sake of your financial ruin. Catwoman is a very experienced poster here and has seen A LOT of hostile divorces and gives great advice. Barcher is another poster who has been through a very contentious divorce with a vengeful woman and had to fight VERY hard for the custody of his children. It would be good to listen to their advice and read their threads. Even though they are BS's, their wisdom and expertise will be a good guide for you in processing a fair divorce for both of you.
Now, she has a tendency of my way or highway and acknowledging her responsibility (even way before i cheated) was quite big issue (the things that were said during the arguments were out of any line), but I don't believe that she is vengeful human being.
Is this tendency to not accept blame something from the M or from a reaction to the A? Part of the work is separating the "me" from the "she" and the "we." Me stuff is all the bullshit you perpetrated in the A. It seems you have a good grasp of that. Looking at your contribution to the marital breakdown is also a "me" thing.
It seems, if she has struggled to take ownership of her mistakes and errors before the A, that that would be a "she" pattern of behavior that SHE needs to work on. She may be blaming and abusing you to avoid looking at herself and her own contribution to the breakdown of the M. My BH did this- became abusive of me in his hurt and rage to the point where I wrote D papers and said, "Get into IC or I will D you. You have a month." It was a shit move, but I needed to respect myself enough to refuse the disrespectful and abusive treatment he was escalating. He has been in IC pretty consistently since then and has a much better grasp of his emotions and has been much more accountable for the "he" stuff he contributed to the breakdown of our M. It is breathtaking how much he has grown and I am so proud of him and very humbled that he is still in the M after everything. He still drives me batshit crazy (read any of my threads), but I no longer see it as him being a narc. Just seeing him as a human who needs to fix his shit. Like we all do. But, when currently he's in IC, I see that he's actually serious about his work.
That being said, the "we" stuff needs to be addressed too. Ask your IC if you can work on communication strategies for adversarial situations. As you move toward D, things will likely hit the fan and get more tense. You need to learn coping skills and communication skills to help you navigate this time and still be able to function as a human being and good father to your kids.
And remember, the "me" stuff is A related, FOO related and communication skills related. Your BW's "she" stuff has NOTHING to do with "causing" the A issues. Neither does your "we" stuff have any contribution to your decision to have an A. I think you've shown a good amount of accountability in taking ownership of your choices with your in-laws and family. That's good work.
It's especially important to restrict your discussions to electronic communication. The paper trail it allows will help you in the D. Especially as she will try to rub the A in your face to get what she wants.
If her BF continues to live at the house and sets his residency there (no other home, mail gets delivered there), I would include his potential $$ contributions to the maintenance of the home in the D. Catwoman has already spoken about this.
And the narc accusations she's throwing at you are bullshit (if, as NMNL says, you're not snowing us). If anything, she is displaying narc behaviors towards you. I am NOT saying she's a narc, but her behaviors in her hurt and pain are narcissistic. When people behave out of character like this, it's best to give them benefit of the doubt. Besides, only about 1% of the population are clinical narcs. The rest of us are just selfish, damaged human beings to some degree or another.
Take care of yourself. Don't let your shame and remorse dictate the life changing consequences of your actions. You don't deserve anything less than respect.