A time for an update.
Life has been kind to me in the last month or even more. There has been a steady progress in the last two months and anxiety/stress has went down to something that I can manage quite well. Still work in progress, as I feel that stressful situations raise my anxiety levels very quickly. Now looking back at the time from November to approx. April and my mental/physical state then - I realise that I went through some really tough times with probably an emotional trauma/depression/anxiety with some self-destructive actions thrown in (mostly due to self-blame).
But that is understandable and I know how to manage and treat it. I try to repeat it everyday: "Be kind to myself" :)
Kids are at my place two or three evenings and nights per week, I bring them to kinder-garden almost every day. We also spend Friday's evening and Saturday until late afternoon at my place - and it is just the best of the times. We usually do some local sightseeing, cinema nights, try to play boardgames, etc. We are withing walking distance to kindergarden, so it is also quite bit of fun - my daughter rides a bike and son his scooter - so we take these morning walks together.
Not easy at all on my own (same for my-ex), but being dad is by far best part of my life.
Financially these are tougher times, no doubt. But in all honesty, I feel many times better than the last two years while being at home. It is incomparable, if I speak about my emotional comfort and awareness of what is going on with myself. I believe that same can be said about my ex. I also understand that if in 2020 and 2021 since A discovery, I would had done at least 30% of the job that I did in last 10 months with myself - probably our marriage and family would have been saved. But i was not able to comprehend the scope of the damage and my own role in it. I did my best at the time, but my best was just a tiny fraction of what was actually necessary.
Have resumed meeting with friends, my hobbies, bit of socialising and going out. I finally see some future for myself and that also warms the heart. With all the lessons learned I still try to be very attentive to the way how I communicate with others, not to fall in the old ways.
I have finally let go the the need that my ex would be nice towards me. It bothered me for a very long time, but now I have accepted the fact that she simply is very cold and borderline impolite on the occasions that we have to exchange on things - I can not do anything about it. I am polite towards her and that is totally fine. It does not bother me anymore - I know what I did, where I was wrong, what good qualities I have and , for most part, am slowly becoming fine with who I am. Now, when the dust is settled, I know that my cheating and not being a good partner does not define me as a person. It is my own history, I really hope that I drew the right lessons and unfortunately learned the hard way. Who would have thought that letting it go is such a hard thing to do :)
Few weeks ago I woke up and had though that I have not drowned in guilt for a while now. It just feels that I am becoming (kind of) healthy version of myself.
Last, but not least. Guys and girls, for the lack of bigger words - thank you for the support, kinds words, as well as for challenging my convictions. It was (and is) all really helpful :)
[This message edited by Spaceman at 5:39 PM, Monday, August 22nd]