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Wayward Side :
Old tale of infidelity and breach of trust... Looking for hope!

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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:08 PM on Wednesday, June 15th, 2022

How are you today Spaceman?

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8740301
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 Spaceman (original poster new member #80138) posted at 2:25 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

I think it is time for update. It has been a (good) month since last time I wrote here. Let me say thank you to all for support, ideas, as well as challenging my views. I should listen to good advice more often :)

Actually, today is kind of special. I am moving to a new place - with a help of a friend-of-a-friend found nice, quite big apartament close to kinder-garden of my kids. Very much preoccupied with moving stuff and decorating the kids room.

In the mid-June I went for the first longer road-trip as a single parent. I knew it will go well, but still was quite nervous before start. But apart of kids arguing like crazy about cookies (:D) in first 15 minutes of the trip, it was really, really great. Have to give the credit to them - both of them are amazing travel buddies :) We visited few places, stayed at my parental home for a while, enjoying country side and catching up with cousins. By the end of the trip, I even shed a single (no-pun-intended) tear at how nice it was :)

After the vacation (10 days), I gave kids to their mum and went for a short holidays myself. Met my childhood and university friends and we went for a short foreign bro-trip. Bit of sightseeing, bit of drinking, bit of sports, silly conversations in the bar. Great time.

As for the divorce and house, i finally met with a lawyer and we are preparing all the necessary paperwork. I gave heads-up to my ex, but it did not went well. Same threats as before. It is kind of partially bad judgement from my side as well, should have listened to advice to exchange only via e-mail or texts. I also appears that her relationship with a colleague moves ahead pretty fast, as they are doing things around the house, etc and she intentionally told me that if she will want, she will move in him into the house. It is just a terrible trigger. It was stupid for me to start a convo on this, but ok - this was the only episode in last month or so. It went so well because of having no other contact than about the kids. I must say that I have built resentment towards her regarding the house issue (especially about how our communication has gone), this is something for me to deal with. But with all the work done, it seems to be easier task. Still, it is really sad sometimes to see where we (as people who had so much future ahead) are right now and how I contributed strongly to all that. I think my weak spot is letting things go and still have to work on that.

But apart of this one episode - do not want to be a complainer - I think i am slowly dealing with my anxiety and somehow I can already envisage some future (further than next day) unfolding in front of me. IC helps a lot and in general - meeting friends and trying to have my own life back on track occupies my mind these days.

I am definitely aware of my behaviour patterns much more now (sometimes it feels like I would be watching at myself from the outside, hard to explain the feeling). It is great that I have not fully lost positive, happy-go-lucky side of me.

Ok, have to carry on with moving and unpacking :)

posts: 37   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: Poland
id 8744623
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:56 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Spaceman

Without knowing how it was presented then her comments about moving a new man into the house can have one (or both) of two purposes:
It can be a warning about what’s going to happen, understanding that as a father it’s going to hurt you that another man is assuming a role as some proxy-father.
This is tough for us men but honestly – and think this through – if your children’s mother is going to have another man in her life it’s to YOUR advantage that he is as kind, caring and loving to your children as possible. If you do your bit he won’t replace you as "dad", but you WANT someone there that is going to be a good co-parent.
Unfortunately (or maybe not unfortunately…) you don’t have any say on what man she invites into her life. You should however be observant about how he interacts with your kids.

The other purpose can be spite. To hurt you. To let you know you have been replaced.
If that’s the case… well… there really isn’t any catch-back. The best you can do is simply say something like "I want you to be happy. If you think you will be happy with Peter then fine, after all I have no say in your private life any more".
Do this and you disarm the barb. You remove the sting from the jibe and she can’t hurt you. Not in a way she sees and get’s feedback from.


One issue I want to address:
I’m a former cop and I worked some sleazy parts of town. Including where the working girls were. I do not believe in the "happy hooker" myth. OK – there might be the one in a million that has been turning tricks as a career that is open about it, proud of her work and perfectly happy with her choice. But my experience was that these were abused women, often with substance issues, tired, broken families, trafficked… The vast majority would much rather be working a clean, decently paid job rather than risking their lives going down in the laps of strangers in some dark car or entering sleazy hotel-rooms. I never met a single woman that told me that this was their career of choice and their aspiration.

You talk about kids – not sons – so I’m assuming at least one is a girl.
If you are OK with prostitutes – would you be OK with your girl selling her body once she’s 18?
I’m guessing no.
Each and every hooker you used is someone’s daughter.
This line of thought is the reason I have never purchased sex and also why I avoid porn.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8744646
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doninvaun ( member #75329) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Good to hear you're doing ok spaceman, vacation with your kids sounds awesome. Good luck with your new place.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2020
id 8744888
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