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Newest Member: Unsureofhope

Wayward Side :
W post: Now I am finally the one contemplating divorce.

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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 3:52 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Just a quick update. I had a baddddddd trigger tonight. Everything has been decent lately especially with me just being agreeable. But today I had a lot of errands to run so I was all over town but he knew where I was because he has my fuckin location from life360. Anyway, he invited me to supper with his mom so I met them there with my daughter. I was on my way home and remembered I had bedding at the laundromat to pick up so I texted my husband "forgot the blanket" he said "what?" And I said "laundromat." He then asked "you going back for it?" And I responded "yeah." So I went there instead of home. And lo and behold, as I am walking out of the laundromat, he pulls up in his truck and just looks at me. I immediately felt super triggered and icky, and I just said "I'll see you at home".

I felt so physically sick I almost didn't go home. I did go home. I sat in our driveway, thinking. Then he pulled in, came to my door as I opened it, and he just looked at me. I couldn't help it and with attitude I asked "what?!" He looked shook, said "nothing" and walked inside, shaking his head.

I stayed in our room doing laundry. I quickly messaged my counselor what was going on but she didnt respond. He came up to where i was after a bit and stared at me, in the door, with one hand on the doorframe and a cigar in the other. I was definitely feeling anxious and I tried to act cool. I asked if he wanted to go have a cigar with me. He had a weird creepy attitude and I actually can't even remember what he said. But he quickly changed his tune to be a fake happy. He asked why I acted weird in the driveway and I softly told him it felt weird how he checked on me at the laundromat. He lied his ass off and said he was there to pick up the blanket for me. I do not buy that for one second. Big fat lie. He fucking knew i was getting it. He also said "even if i was, so what?". Then he talked me into going our with him for a drink. To play the part, I obliged, begrudgingly.

My daughter's birthday party is Sunday. I know this event filled me with fear and crippling anxiety for a few moments, and I can't wait to get out of here. Just a few more days and a little more planning and my future will be bright. I am home now but i had to post. Prayers.

[This message edited by soapt at 4:04 AM, Saturday, April 2nd]

posts: 64   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8727537
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 5:50 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

That is the one thing you start to figure out about a narcissist after you lift the mask. They are just creepy af. At least that's what I figured out. I'm sorry you're having to fake it right now Soapt, especially when your eyes have been opened wide. It can't be easy at all.

Try to breathe, take some time for yourself if you can, keep your spirits up. You sound so much stronger than when you first posted!

Sending prayers your way that you make it through this time as quickly and as easily as possible.

You got this girlfriend!

posts: 258   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8727549
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 6:38 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

nomudnolotus, creepy af is right. Honestly, when I saw him pull up at the laundromat, I felt my body literally pump out cortisol. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and almost didn't know what to do or say. The fact that I know who he is and that he knows what he is doing makes everything ten times creepier. I don't think he knows he is a narcissist, but I think he knows that a lot of stuff he does and has done is wrong...

One time a few years ago, I heard a song called Stockholm Syndrome and later, without the song playing I asked my husband what that term meant. He told me and then he asked me in a very paranoid/worried way why I asked. I told him about the song and he let it go. But this memory stuck with me because I think inside he knew that in his mind, I'm under his control and he feared that I was catching on.

Apparently with narcissists, it's a thing that they act strange when you cry in front of them. There are a few ways they can react. But the way my husband has always acted whenever I cried was he would just basically turn to stone. He would not comfort me, he would not cry with me, he would kind of just freeze up and stare. Sometimes he would get mad or maybe he'd offer up some advice but mostly he would just freeze. Eventually I learned that I can't cry in front of him or get comfort from him so I stopped. He doesn't cry either. I guess up until this year I have only seen him cry probably two times, ever. This year I've seen it 3 times I think, and whenever it happened, he would run off and hide from me so I couldn't watch or attempt to comfort him. He has told me it's weak to cry.

One of the podcasts I heard today was all about how the narcissist believes they own you and will always think that you belong to them. This struck a chord with me. I even talked about it in this post awhile back about how my husband has straight up told me that he still owns his ex-wife! When he told me that, I was thinking like, that is ridiculous. He threw her away, he hasn't had intimacy with her in over a decade, he doesn't even know her anymore. And yet, he thinks just because he played with her for a while, he owns her? Man. That is a lonely way to think.

Also. These things he really doesn't want me to do:
1. Browsing the internet for relationship advice
2. Having social media
3. Going to counseling, marital or individual
4. Posting on forums online
All of this just tells me that he doesn't want me to find out who he is. Maybe he does know he's a narc! laugh But seriously, he doesn't want me to have knowledge. He wishes he could keep me imprisoned, forever loyal to him and basically worshipping him.

All of these little puzzle pieces are coming together in my mind, proving to me that he is indeed a narc. It's getting clearer every day. This sucks.

Something bothering me about custody is affidavits I have to write and ask for. All I have on my side are my counselor, my parents, sisters and maybe my employee who works with my daily (she sees me with my daughter and knows how I parent). But I don't want to bring my employee into this, it will just scare her away because it's literally her two bosses going against each other. What a sucky thing to do to her. Then there's my sisters-in-law who are also on my husband's side. They will side with him because he's blood, but they are also protective of me! My sister in law has literally told my husband in front of me if he ever leaves me and brings around "some hoe", that she wouldn't be allowed in her home. I actually think her husband would not be biased, but I think he would just not write anyone's affidavit because he loves us both. He may end up writing one for my husband simply because it's his wife's brother. Gosh, this feels so lonely. crying

posts: 64   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8727613
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 8:55 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

I think there is a bit of Stockholm syndrome with a narcissist. There is also the trauma bond that they create. There is probably a lot of stuff that he has done that you don't even realize is crazy, irrational, or done simply to manipulate you.

If he was crying, it wasn't for you, only for himself. Everything is about him as you are starting to see. He believes he owns you, just as he owns his ex.

I am sure he doesn't want you seeking help because he doesn't want you to see how unhealthy your relationship is.

At one point, when I was trying to end things. I said I can't do this, I'm clearly broken, I need to fix myself, and you also need to fix yourself (before I knew that narcs were unfixable)

He came back a week or so later with "why can't we just be broken together" "we can be broken and happy together"

He wanted me to stay broken, and near the end, the swings just got so crazy, lovebombing to anger, to crazy jealousy and paranoia that I was cheating, or had found someone else. He just could not believe I would leave him unless I had found someone else.

I live far away now, but I have to keep all avenues closed, and he still occasionally reaches. It's creepy af.

I know you're lonely, and you will feel moments of loneliness but trust me when I say this, when you are finally free, you will wake up everyday with extreme and utter joy in your heart.

No more being under someone's crazy control. No more walking on egg shells. Doing things just for you and your daughter. You just have to keep that in sight and keep working towards that goal!

posts: 258   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8727642
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:03 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

1. Browsing the internet for relationship advice
2. Having social media
3. Going to counseling, marital or individual
4. Posting on forums online

This is playbook isolation of you from social and psychological support. I suspected my BH of being a narc because he had no use for counseling, did not like me talking to others about our M and still doesn't like me posting here. I later found that (during our MC) that he didn't like how the previous 2 counselors I tried, the first sessions were all just me bitching about him. Our current MC did a few private sessions with me to get to know my side of the story after BH had been in IC with him a good 9 months. That way, BH didn't hear me bitching about him laugh . Also by that point, my then IC and I had got to the point where I could separate my problems from him problems and I wasn't so deeply resentful of him.

ANYWAY, your husband is looking more and more like a narc the more I read your posts. Following you to the laundromat is just outright stalking. He's losing control of you and is losing a grip on himself.

Keep strong, I am sending you prayers and wishes for a safe separation and a safe place to heal.

Can you share your life 360 app with your parents or someone you trust? After you separate, it is going to be key to have someone with access to your location in case anything happens. Also, a VAR is great for when you have to be around him.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 902   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8727687
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 11:05 PM on Monday, April 4th, 2022

How are you doing soapt? How did the birthday go?

posts: 258   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8728041
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:29 PM on Tuesday, April 5th, 2022

Also. These things he really doesn't want me to do:
1. Browsing the internet for relationship advice
2. Having social media
3. Going to counseling, marital or individual
4. Posting on forums online

Like MiGander said, he is trying to keep you isolated. He is terrified of anyone else having any influence on you. He wants to control you. It is not a coincidence that you don't have many people in your life that are unconnected to him - he did this by design. Think about it, he has cut out anyone that you can talk to him about.

I'm very proud of you and worried for you at the same time. I hope the birthday went well and that you're safe.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8728181
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:11 PM on Saturday, April 9th, 2022

Hey soapt,

Havent heard from you in a few days. Are you ok?

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 902   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8728901
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 6:25 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Hey soapt,

It has been nearly two weeks. Can you please confirm you're ok, even if you don't want to post?

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 245   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8729585
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 7:10 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Thank you, I am okay and not in any immediate danger.

Nothing has blown up yet. I've just been feeling so depressed and truthfully guilty for trying to leave. I've been having repetitive talks with my IC about it, but it is so hard to let go. Even though he is such a narcissist, I do still love him. I know deep down I need to go, but it's just hard. It's the timing for me too, I think. I don't know how or when. And I don't feel like I am in any kind of danger so it plays with my conscience. If I walk out abruptly without provocation there will be much less hope for an amicable split. I know it won't be easy either way. I just don't know how to go about doing this.

He did say one night this week that he will lock up our business doors, fire all our employees if I don't repair his broken state from me cheating on him and choosing other guys. It did not feel like a threat, but more like he was stressing to me the importance of how he feels. Basically if his manhood is trashed, then who cares about anything else? He said aside from our daughter, that is number one priority. I believe him. I think he will lock up the doors and give up when I leave him. And that is terrifying.

Thanks everyone for sticking through it with me. I am so codependent that I feel like I'm letting all you strangers down by the fact that I haven't packed my bags yet. I know that's silly but that's where I am. Lots of guilt every which way.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8729601
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:55 PM on Wednesday, April 13th, 2022

Hi soapt,

I'm so glad you wrote in. We are not in any way sitting in any kind of judgement of you- action or inaction. Because of the gravity of your situation, we are all concerned for your well being, first and foremost.

You've been controlled first by your father as a child and then controlled by your husband your entire life. It is enormously hard to break free of that. Being under the control of another male is comfortable, even if it's not a positive place for you to be.

Another poster discussed how she was reading "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. I found it on audiobooks and HOLY COW! Eyes were opened everywhere. My father was described precisely in several of his "methods" of demeaning my mom and coming between her and us kids. It described the mental breakdown my mom and myself experienced. It described the lesser tactics my husband would use and some of the manipulations I would use.

I really suggest you listen to it- it will help clarify for you the kinds of bullshit you've been up against as a child and a wife.

I don't feel like I am in any kind of danger so it plays with my conscience.

This is bullshit. Your conscience has been warped by living life with an abuser for so long. You minimize to yourself, "well, he's not making me fuck other guys under coercion now, so, really there's no reason for me to leave." shocked At the moment, he's in the "calm between the storm" that doesn't last. Even if he's improving, the fact that he has in the past done such horrific things to you is proof enough you need to leave.

It's interesting, infidelity is abuse. Just about everyone on this site agrees with a BS leaving any time they please if the M is not working any longer. It can be right after DDay, it can be MANY years later (see Buck's posts in General). It can even be after a WS shows remorse and rebuilds themselves into a safe partner.

The fact that the abuse of infidelity happened EVER in the marriage is enough to justify a spouse leaving.

Why should it not be the same for you?

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 902   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8729612
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:08 PM on Friday, April 15th, 2022

I don't feel like I am in any kind of danger

I just read your thread,in another forum. You are in denial. This man is so very dangerous. Go read what you wrote. Then read it again. And again. Imagine if your daughter was an adult, and she wrote that post. What would you think she should do?

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:09 PM, Friday, April 15th]

posts: 4874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8729965
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 soapt (original poster member #79960) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Hello everyone, thanks for checking in. LOTS has been going on. Over Easter weekend, we were with my husband's family (my sister in law & bro in law's house). I had a brief moment alone with my BIL & SIL (they're married). SIL said something about feeling triggered about her mom being there and I took that as an opportunity to let them know what I'm doing, so I plucked up the courage and told them my husband is a narcissist and I am planning on leaving him. They were not shocked exactly, they acted more like... like they were expecting this day to come and they were realizing that I'm serious. Nothing more was said because we were interrupted. My husband NEVER lets us be alone, so I had to be quick. Later we were hanging out (we were staying for 2 nights) and I mentioned just staying back with them to hang out instead of going back home with my husband after the 2nd day. Remember my husband is in a love bombing phase right now so I felt like he might "let" me. My BIL and SIL were acting excited about that idea so my husband agreed that me and my daughter can stay back, and he didn't even tell me when I should come home. So my husband left early the next morning.

I spent the day watching my niece and daughter at my SIL's house (the other SIL) and then that night my SIL's took me out to eat while BIL watched all our kids. I spilled my guts to them and they told me they have been praying for this day to come.

They have known about his narcissism ever since they moved away back in 2019. They've had their share of narcissistic abuse from him too, obviously not to my level but they got enough, and it was enough for them to go no-contact then. They said they are on my side. They stayed up with me and listened to everything. All the shit. All the abuse. They validated me and told me they don't think I cheated. And...

They told me that in 2020, when my SIL was going through her own narcissistic divorce, she asked my husband if he had ever thought about going back to his ex when he was going through his divorce that began in 2008. She was struggling with going back to her abuser so that's why she asked. And he told them that he actually had sex with his ex in a car after he left her. He told them that she even took his sperm and tried shoving it up her vagina so he had to stop. Then he realized what he said and told them "my wife doesn't know that, she CANNOT KNOW THIS." Because hello. Right after he left his wife, he got with me. So. He is a disgusting, lying, narcissistic, sadistic, cheating fuckwad. mad mad mad

The next day, Tuesday, more shit happened with my WAYWARD husband. My phone was dying the previous night and I couldn't find a charger. I turned my battery saver on, which I guess turns off my location. I didn't realize that until my husband called me that afternoon, because my battery saver was still on even though I had charged it. He asked me to turn my location on because I'm conveniently very close to where my "AP" lives. He was upset that I didn't care to think of that. Then later he wanted me to sext him. I didn't do it good enough. So he video called me. Screamed. Said a bunch of stupid shit that didn't make sense. My SIL was recording the whole thing. I gray rocked him this time. He cried crocodile tears and hung up. Then he texted me very manipulative things. One was "After giving you that emotion. I get one paragraph? I'm embarrassed and emasculated." After "giving" me that emotion? Thanks for the lovely gift of the manipulative emotion sweetie. Best gift ever. So special.

Then the four of us had a meeting about planning to get my things from my house and work. We called my dad and he's in on the plan. I am getting the important things today. I will not live with him ever again. I am getting some apartment over here, getting a new phone number, and I am going to proceed with divorce, not separation. First I have to read the burdens for a protective order from the court. I think that is my best bet, but I don't know if my county will recognize what I've been through as abusive since there hasn't been much for physical aggression.

My husband called and apologized for last night. He said he hopes I can see how he got that angry and he hopes I can cut him some slack since I am so close to where my "AP" lives. I cried and told him he was scary & "You are terrifying. You literally... frighten me." And do you know what he said?? "That doesn't sound like you're cutting me slack." mad

This is their BROTHER. I am beyond lucky that they can see who he is. And I know I wouldn't have listened to them if they told me. I do believe in God and I think this week has been one big giant gift from Him. Seriously how perfect.

Anyway I better get some more stuff done. Lots to do moving forward. Prayers and encouragement are always welcomed!

posts: 64   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2022   ·   location: midwest
id 8730764
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:04 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Then the four of us had a meeting about planning to get my things from my house and work. We called my dad and he's in on the plan. I am getting the important things today. I will not live with him ever again. I am getting some apartment over here, getting a new phone number, and I am going to proceed with divorce, not separation

Soapt, I'm SOOOOO happy to hear this. Ecstatic. Literally cheering from afar. I will admit that I was uncomfortable with the idea of telling the SIL when you raised it previously because I figured her loyalty her brother would be stronger than her loyalty to you. I'm so glad I was wrong and that you have a support network. This next part is going to be scary, no doubt, but you have a team on your side. Please stay strong in your resolve to leave him, he frightens me too.

I'm not much for praying but for you I'll make an exception. All the encouragement in the world. You CAN do this.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8730766
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 6:10 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I failed to mention that I'm sorry you've learned that you're also a member of the BS club. I'm not at all surprised about it, but I know it probably hurts you just the same.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1040   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8730768
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:51 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Wow soapt,

That's pretty telling that your WH own family has your back. I wonder how much of his schtick they saw with his first wife. And the predatory nature of his relationship with you. Having her own narcissist to divorce, I can see why she would support you over her brother.

I'm glad you have their support. I'm glad you're working your way out of this. When the dust settles and the peaceful moments come, I hope you can stitch yourself back together. Already you're showing up as a remarkably strong woman and a determined mother to your daughter.

Doesn't surprise me either that he had one more "fling" with his ex while you were dating.

This man is unbelievable! look

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 902   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8730783
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nomudnolotus ( member #59431) posted at 9:09 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

Soapt, I am so very glad you have someone to support you. I worried that it would be so hard for you because he has never allowed you to have any friends or support. I am also cheering for you from afar! Make sure you turn your location sharing off on your phone. Please keep going to therapy, you have a lot of wounds that you probably don't even realize. You still have a long road, but you can do this, you have so much strength and you are going to be one badass single mom.

posts: 258   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2017
id 8730794
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 4:17 PM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

This is a great update Soapt. Well, I mean, it's not great that this is happening to you and all of the work ahead of you, but you choosing you is the best news I've had all week!

And the support from his siblings? Solid gold. To have people IRL, who know him well, validate you, support you, cheer for you is amazing.

Keep going. One step at a time. Move the ball every day. Selfishly, share your victories with us!

And if you start to doubt or waiver, don't feel shame. Do what you just did: reach out to your tribe (here and IRL) and get the support you need.

posts: 281   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8730930
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 5:34 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I've never responded to this thread but I've been following it, and I'm SO glad you're getting out and that you have support to do so. Cheering you on!

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16574   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8731254
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 9:19 PM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

So glad to read this update! Please let us know that you are safe when you can.

posts: 5166   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8731298
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