If that can happen to you it can happen to anyone right?
Yes, it could happen, but not necessarily.
You really have to look at YOUR spouse, and YOUR situation and the many variables involved. Although we see many commonalities here on SI, you have to be careful to evaluate your unique spouse and situation fairly.
Your WS's actions and results should speak louder than case studies and other's experiences.
I know where you're at right now. My experience with infidelity began for me 22 years into what seemed to be a beautiful marriage and family. No red flags. No grievances, direct or indirect, subtle or implied, what-so-ever. Leaves you stunned and very confused, about everything, questioning EVERYTHING.
I was trying to make analytical, educated projections on the odds of successful R, odds of her cheating again, of her staying for The Right reasons-that I wasn't a concession.
R is a huge investment, sacrifice of time and patience, especially when you're in latter mid-life and your chances of starting again are fleeting. Do you cut your loses and start fresh?
You want assurances and so does your WS but, you're not going to get them. Love is a gamble. It's always a gamble. Whether you're beginning a new relationship with an unknown or rebuilding a relationship with a known cheater, it's a gamble with almost the same odds of failure-except, now that you have been exposed to infidelity-19, you have the opportunity to build specific antibodies to protect against it.
Many people humming along blissfully in there seemingly good healthy marriages are actually sitting on unknown ticking time bombs. Like the Shingles Virus, the predisposition to cheat can be waiting in dormancy, for decades, for contributing factors to come into perfect alignment (age, length of marriage, life stressors, midlife crisis, etc) to manifest itself.
Your bomb has gone off, the virus has broken out, now you can directly intervene. This is your chance to fix her issues and fortify your marriage for another 20 years.
It's just a chance. Not a guarantee. It's a loving gamble. A leap of faith. A risky venture that you both enter into together, both taking the same risks of failure with the same enormous sacrifices, especially the sacrifice of precious time.
Her efforts and actions should be your guidon. Even truly remorseful WS's initially fuck up. A WS is basically a debilitated healer. They have to heal you and themselves at the same time. That's very difficult to successfully pull off, no matter how remorseful they are. So you have to be somewhat patient and allow for that. It's going to be a rough start up with lots of setbacks. As long as she is doggedly persistent, learns from her mistakes, you have a good chance for successful R. This will ultimately be a team effort.
SO, if your WS survives the incredible trials and rigors of R, and successfully pulls you through, she loves YOU. Would she go through all this shit for her AP? If you both survive this and truly R, your marriage will have been truly tested and you will both be part of something truly special, this time.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:27 PM, Friday, January 14th]