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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 11:08 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Today is the first day of getting my life back. WH was served today. I still don't know what his reaction is. He hasn't mentioned it. So very sad it came to this but it needed to be done. Please tell me it gets better.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8687788
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 11:53 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

BTA, it gets better. It always gets better. In a year, you will be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner.

posts: 4982   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8687797
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 12:22 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

No *good* marriage ends in divorce. In all of my years and between my friends that have gone through it, not a single one regrets the D after it's over.

It gets better.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8687800
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 12:24 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I've never met anyone who initiated a divorce who regretted it later. Not one. It gets so very much better.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4482   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8687801
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 12:40 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Thank you all. I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better. We are still living in the same house and I doubt he will move out. He probably won't even move to the guest room. I had planned to do this last October but circumstances changed and I had to wait. It has been the longest 11 months of my life. I just don't know what to expect. I don't know how he is going to be with this. No reaction so far which is really strange. Wondering if there will be a huge argument coming when he gets home.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8687808
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:58 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

It gets better. It takes time but it absolutely gets better. It gets great, actually.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4215   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8687852
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 5:32 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

How are you doing today, BTA?

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8687963
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I’m sorry you had to make this decision. However there should not be an argument.

If he rages - walk away until he calms down.

If he’s angry you filed - have a brief prepared response. I used "I’m sorry it has come to this but I have nothing left to give to this marriage". No blame. No anger. Just a fact.

It will get better. Just hang in there.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10574   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8687967
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

My stomach is in knots today. He has not mentioned this AT ALL. I'm wondering if he even looked at it (he was served at work and may think it's work related, so he may not even be aware yet). I am still dealing with all the issues with my son -he has been doing better and I am praying this does not set him back. I am so stressed right now.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8687969
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Walkthestorm ( new member #72157) posted at 6:48 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Why don't you ask? He is acting strange if he has seen the papers but has not acknowledged it at all.

posts: 32   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8687977
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 1:04 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

I don't know if he's seen them. He was served at work and sometimes gets served papers relating to work - he may have thought that's what these were and didn't even bother to look. I am not up for a confrontation right now so I will just wait until and if he says something. But yes strange.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8688016
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 4:07 AM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021

When they served my ex at work they were quite specific about what was happening.

I doubt that he doesn't know.

[This message edited by 99problems at 10:07 PM, September 10th, 2021 (Friday)]

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1003   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8688029
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totallydumb ( member #66269) posted at 5:26 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

Hey BTA,

I recall when you first started posting here. At that time I got the impression that you were a strong Lady.

I still believe this today. wink

The process to remove him from your life has started. There will be Better Times Ahead for you soon. smile

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8688164
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 10:40 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

I handle liability claims for the city I work for. If I get served, I immediately read it. I was on the board of directors for a Municipal Treasurers Association. We all read anything that gets served. He's playing a mind game. Beat him at it. Take this time to watch him closely and see if he goes into any of your financial records. Make copies of everything so he can get rid of stuff so he can misrepresent things.

In terms of not knowing what to expect since you are still under the same roof, expect more of the same thing that led you to file in the first place. You got this. Think about the fact that you've never filed for divorce before. He must be scared to death. Nothings changed for you and everything has changed for him. Think about that when you get anxious.

And yes. It gets immensely better. I guarantee that a year or two from now you'll be astonished.

posts: 1532   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688199
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 11:06 PM on Sunday, September 12th, 2021

99 and Charity, you forget his a narc (or maybe you didn't know). It is entirely possible that he never considered that it was D papers because how dare I do that? And also, since it wouldn't concern him (literally - he wouldn't care) what it was about work, he would just forward it to the legal department so maybe he never looked. Who knows. But I am not caving - not asking. As a friend of mine said - not your problem anymore.

Thanks totallydumb. I am trying to be strong. As we all know, this is one of the most difficult things we will ever have to endure in our lives. Doing my best to make good decisions.

Charity, I don't think he's scared at all because he believes he is so superior so what does he have to worry about? I don't think he's up on the law and thinks he will determine who gets what and how much. Maybe he'll be scared when he's told that's not the case. I don't believe he realizes how much he is losing financially. He always says it's his money since he earns it so I think having to share his pension, accounts, pay maintenance, etc will be a shock for him.

I am taking you all at your word that it will get better. That's why I'm doing this - because I believe my life and my son's life will be better for it. Hoping and praying I am right. Thanks everyone for the encouraging words.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8688203
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 12:21 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Deep down, Narcs are always afraid. They are afraid that if no one is looking at them and thinking they are superior, they don't exist. My ex is a Narc. He absolutely panicked when I hired a good lawyer. He tried to insist he knew everything about the law so I would be scared off and not seek my own information. What looked like arrogant confidence was really fear that I'd do just that. So take deep breaths. You've probably been bullied by him for so long, you think he'll huff and puff and win. It will not be pleasant to be certain. But if you focus on facts and what you want, you will be less afraid of what he thinks. You have a wise friend. It's not your problem anymore.

posts: 1532   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8688208
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 2:12 AM on Monday, September 13th, 2021

Stay strong. Stay committed to your path. Yes, it sucks. I never thought I'd have a life after D, but I did. Now I am quite happy and it was the best decision I ever made.

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4455   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8688220
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 BetterTimesAhead (original poster member #70001) posted at 6:13 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

Thank you for all the advice. I've found out he did receive the papers. Today he said a friend told him "they're just papers - they don't mean anything" and that I would probably realize all I'm losing. Just ... what??? More issues came to light that are totally on him but somehow he puts it on me. I point out it's all on him and he says I'm twisting things and it's all my fault. I really have to work on not engaging because this is just crazy making.

Me: BS - 52
Him: WH - 53
DDAY: 2/22/2019 - Three year EA and PA
Currently doing the limbo but he seems unremorseful and that doesn't work for me
***************
Didn't cause it
Can't control it
Can't cure him

posts: 613   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: US
id 8688566
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 7:13 AM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

And the sick thing is when you do learn to not engage they will raise the craziness to try and draw you back in. While this drama drains normal people it energizes them. Any negative feeling they have you can guarantee they will blame you for since there is no way, at least in their mind, they could be responsible.

Good luck getting through this. It's not going to be easy, but will be worth it in the long run!

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8688572
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:03 PM on Wednesday, September 15th, 2021

I've never met anyone who initiated a divorce who regretted it later. Not one. It gets so very much better.

I'll chime in and say that I, also, have never heard of anyone regretting getting divorced. I certainly haven't regretted it for a second (I too was married to a narcissist).

Charity, I don't think he's scared at all because he believes he is so superior so what does he have to worry about?

To be clear, this bravado is simply an act. He's truly, deeply scared to his core. Narcs, rarely if ever, show their true self... but when they do... it's really scary. There were times with my xWW that I was truly concerned that she was going to seriously hurt herself or me. I had a couple of years of bad depression and anxiety (post D-day) and I never said such awful things about me as my xWW did about herself. Anyway, it's called narcissistic collapse (if you ever get to see it) and it's frightening to behold.

I don't think he's up on the law and thinks he will determine who gets what and how much. Maybe he'll be scared when he's told that's not the case. I don't believe he realizes how much he is losing financially. He always says it's his money since he earns it so I think having to share his pension, accounts, pay maintenance, etc will be a shock for him.

I had a similar situation. In fact, considering that I am appealing my divorce ruling, this is STILL my situation. Given that, I seriously recommend that you do not try to coach your narcissist in any way about legal matters. I also suggest that you prepare yourself for a completely psychotic and very difficult divorce.

I am taking you all at your word that it will get better.

It will definitely get better. How can it be worse than being with a narcissist? Well, divorcing a narcissist is no picnic... be particularly careful with your son, who will likely be used as a pawn in your narc's games.

Me: BH, age 47
Her: WS, age 44 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5102   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8688617
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