Newest Member: UnsureAgain

Just Found Out :
How far would you go?

Topic is Sleeping.
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Tempocontour ( member #65971) posted at 1:50 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

So sorry that you're here. Do not confront until you have solid proof. Keep quiet and unfortunately keep monitoring. Maybe you should put a VAR in his car. If he is cheating do not let him know how you know just that you know.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northeast
id 8667286
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lifestoshort ( member #18442) posted at 5:23 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

babe is not a word you use for someone you have not seen naked.

you know the answer. your instinct was right on.

Im 45. 1st H I left in 2001 after 3 kids. narcassist.
2nd exH had MANY affairs.FALSE R. cheats again. D 5/09. 2 kids. I got 100% custody. ex hasnt seen kids in 5 yrs.
2014 to now: dated highschool sweetheart. He cheated w 23 yr old. she stayed

posts: 1051   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2008
id 8667326
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 10:43 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Unless you plan on waiting until he commits adultery, IMO you can confront immediately by saying that someone saw him coming out of the coffee shop.

Ask him if he was there alone (see if he lies). Ask how often they've been meeting (see if he lies). Ask what they talk about.

You can mention the texts messages (babe) or not but the texts are irrelevant. You don't have to prove that you're being reasonable (he'll never agree anyway).

He knew your history when he married you. Your reaction to the coffee dates is not a surprise to him.

You're not saying he can't have friends. It's just this particular woman that he's been having coffee dates with (behind your back).

And it's too late for him to say they're just friends or he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be upset. If there's no romance then he has a simple decision to make. He chooses his wife or the OW.

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8667393
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JT4588 ( member #42971) posted at 11:12 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Charlie99,

I rarely log in and respond to posts. Mostly because I don't feel like I can always offer a lot. I come here daily and read, hoping to find strength for myself and occasionally I see a story that just compels me to resond. Yours is one of them.

Charlie99, listen to your gut and listen to those here who are telling you that your husband has crossed a line that never should be crossed.

Meeting up for coffee? Nope, not appropriate. Texting and using a moniker like "Babe?" Oh Hell no!! He's never mentioned her, never mentioned he's having coffee with her? Or even mentioned HER? There's a reason and it isn't because he doesn't want you to worry.

He hasn't mentioned it because he knows it's something he shouldn't be doing and he's hiding it. If you knew, almost certainly you'd put a stop to that shit right now. He doesn't want it to stop. It's already crossed a line into territory it never should have.

Maybe they haven't met since March. It doesn't change anything. He still hid something from you and don't let him cop out to, "It was nothing. We're just friends." Nope, not just friends when one or both are calling each other "Babe."

I suspect it's gone well beyond the "meeting for coffee" stage. You need to do some detective work and quickly. If you can do a data dump on his phone, do it NOW! Don't say a word to him about it until you see what you can recover. And even then, don't say anything until you can get your head straight, and your ducks in a row.

Only you can decide what you want to do if you find out he has cheated. Actually, he really already did by meeting for coffee and never saying a word to you about it. Mostly likely he didn't worry about the messages on his phone because he thought you trusted him so completely you'd never look.

You're not overreacting. Your gut is spot on. Listen to it.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2014
id 8667401
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:21 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

I just don’t know if I’m heightened because of these past betrayals.

Of course you are.

And that's not a bad thing.

If you got into a car wreck because you didn't look both ways pulling out into traffic, you would likely be WAY more careful going forward about looking both ways to make sure the coast was clear. That doesn't make you paranoid, it shows that you learned from a past experience.

Your gut is telling you something - and yeah maybe it is more 'sensitive' because of what you've been through. But OTOH maybe your gut is better at picking up those red flag type behaviors now than it was before. And just saying after 3 years on SI, generally where there is smoke, there's a fire burning somewhere.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8667402
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 Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 12:15 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Thank you for all the replies.

I’ve decided I need to know sooner rather than later what is going on, and that I am not paranoid.

It’s hard to listen to your gut when the 2 good friends I have spoken to about it have told me not to be ridiculous, and that he loves me more than anything. They know us both, so I took faith in what they said but I’m still not comfortable with any of it.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8667413
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 12:29 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Trust your instinct. You are not comfortable with his relationship with her even though it could be completely innocent. However, given that he's referred to her as "babe" I think there's more happening. If nothing else, an emotional affair. Hugs and hope that you get the answers you need.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8667416
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 3:48 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

I think the biggest issue is that if you confront him, he’ll deny it and you will be none the wiser.

Since you are married, his phone is marital property, so it belongs to you too. Are you sure you can’t install an app to monitor his (your) phone?

Do you know if he plans a meet up? If he does, you can hire a private eye.

Meeting a coworker for coffee is a bit of a grey area. But calling a coworker babe is a red flag. You are right to worry.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:49 PM, June 14th (Monday)]

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1445   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8667449
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:35 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

It’s hard to listen to your gut when the 2 good friends I have spoken to about it have told me not to be ridiculous, and that he loves me more than anything.

Sounds like they haven't had the pleasure of being cheated on.

My fWW had "just" an EA with a coworker. The betrayal didn't hurt any less. There were plenty of lies. Early on my friends said, "don't jump to conclusions!" only reinforced me pussyfooting it until she went on date with him and stayed out late after a company holiday party where my fWW and her AP conspired to tell me and OBS that plus ones weren't allowed.

I recommend not pussyfooting it.

"Babe" is over the line. It would be maybe ok, if he said it verbally on accident. Like calling your teacher "mom". Texting it multiple times should be setting off alarm bells.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8667454
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 Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 7:35 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Sounds like they haven't had the pleasure of being cheated on.

That’s the frustrating part, one of them has, and the other always suspected her ex husband. First time on this merry go round they were amazing. This time, not so much.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8667460
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:26 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

He’s lying and cheating and being disrespectful.

He’s lying by omission. Period.

Investigate however you need to.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8667462
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:56 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Hi Charlie,

So having coffee with a coworker is ok on coffee break at work. Sending flirty texts and calling a single mom babe is crossing the line. Wtf does she need to text him for.

Even if it means nothing to him it likely means a lot to her.

Frankly this is not how a husband who is in love with his wife should act. I think you need to set this shit straight. Even is this is all it is. It is not acceptable.

I never trusted my instincts enough. Please trust yours.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8667463
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 Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 8:04 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I’ve taken the steps I need to, I think, to find out exactly what’s going on. I’ve also decided he has a 90 day window to prove he is the safe partner I thought he was. I will walk if he isn’t, and he knows this. I gently informed him that as much as I have invested in us, I’m am not afraid to walk away from it. It won’t be the first time I’ve walked away from being disrespected, and I can do it again.

Stating my boundaries has not eased the mental anguish, nor the what if’s… what if he makes it through the 90 day window I’ve created and he’s unaware of, and I just find out it was just moved underground? How will I tell my children? How will I cope with not only loosing what I thought was my ‘person’, but also my beautiful stepson I love dearly. What if he loves her?

posts: 141   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8668631
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 Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 8:27 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

I’ve taken the steps I need to, I think, to find out exactly what’s going on. I’ve also decided he has a 90 day window to prove he is the safe partner I thought he was. I will walk if he isn’t, and he knows this. I gently informed him that as much as I have invested in us, I’m am not afraid to walk away from it. It won’t be the first time I’ve walked away from being disrespected, and I can do it again.

Stating my boundaries has not eased the mental anguish, nor the what if’s… what if he makes it through the 90 day window I’ve created and he’s unaware of, and I just find out it was just moved underground? How will I tell my children? How will I cope with not only loosing what I thought was my ‘person’, but also my beautiful stepson I love dearly. What if he loves her?

posts: 141   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8668633
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:35 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

So sorry you're in this predicament right now. You have to talk it out with your husband, tell him that you don't fully trust him right now and he should show you he's willing to work it out. His communication lines should be open to you at all times to avoid suspicion and also you have the right to know where he's at all the time.
Good luck!

posts: 388   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668644
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:43 AM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Each of our stories provides a potential learning experience for the next victim of inappropriate behavior. Can you share what you informed him?

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668651
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:15 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

What was his response?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3203   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8668668
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 Charlie99 (original poster member #66195) posted at 9:34 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

Each of our stories provides a potential learning experience for the next victim of inappropriate behavior. Can you share what you informed him?

I informed him that from the start I’ve been very clear about my boundaries and what I expected from him. He knew my history, and my deal breakers, and as much as he can say ‘it was just coffee, and I didn’t think you would care about my work stuff’, not even knowing about this woman’s existence hurt me. I will only suffer so much hurt, and have my boundaries violated, so many times, before I walk away.

I haven’t informed him of the 90 days, nor the steps I have taken. I did learn that from first ex husband- don’t tell them how much, or how, you know.

posts: 141   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2018
id 8668772
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

And how did he respond?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3203   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8668780
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:05 PM on Monday, June 21st, 2021

What work stuff? Why him? Is he a supervisor or in some sort of position where he routinely mentors coworkers? And since when is 'babe' used in a business setting?

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668789
Topic is Sleeping.
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