Sorry for you are here.
I read your story and have some questions on my mind about it.
Summer of 2019 she told me a coworker (another doctor, in his 50s) wrote her a love letter but she loved me and was not going to leave me. We didn't really discuss it (first mistake).
Isn't that kind of weird? Why did she say that a coworker wrote a love letter to her, not that she had an A?
Didn't you even ask why you should think she's leaving you just because someone wrote a love letter to her?
then a few days later when I got a message from his exwife
Did you talk to the AP's XW? If not, why? I'm sure she has a lot to tell you about their A, why they divorced, about AP's personality etc.
I wondered what was the problem of this superman who understands your WW so well, leading up to a divorce with his own wife.
I think you are now aware that your reaction to being cheated was wrong from the very beginning; MC, pick me dance, nice her back, not exposing, not much questioning her A etc. These never work.
Her behavior showed from the very beginning that she was not a R material.
She also has talked with my stepmom twice about the situation (she is understanding and wants to support us). Their second talk was last night but she hasn't told me what they discussed.
Why didn't you ask your step mom? Knowledge is power and you hardly ever ask anyone anything.
She also said the AP really "understood" her and feels like I just don't. She also keeps bringing up things I did (like not eating a dinner she cooked) from years ago.
Did she also say what are these things you don't understand? And as I asked above, why couldn't such an understanding man run his marriage? I'm sure he also complained how much his XW didn't understand him.
She also said many things to me about how bad of a husband I was...and how none of her friends told her to stay with me.
What are those things? Did she give concrete examples about this? And are you agree with her?She just spoke and did you listen to her? Didn't you have any answer or reaction to all that she said?
Didn't you say what a good, moral monument wife she is like all cheating wives? Why are you on the defence? She is the one to blame, don't buy her blameshifting. Don't let her romanticize her depraved disgusting A with a POS coworker (maybe he was married too when it started). That very understanding scum proposed to a married woman. And during NC (not sure if there was really an NC) he did his best to bring down a family by forcing to reconnect with your WW. Obviously, his persistent persuasion efforts play an important role in all this. I'm not doing this to say that your WW is innocent. I'm just saying that her AP is just as disgusting and immoral as she is.
And those friends, who didn't tell her to stay with you, were they close witnesses of your marriage, or did they form their opinions based on your WW's narrative? Are they your friends too? Do you still consider them as a friend of you and your M?
Obviously, your wife is rewriting your marriage history and making you appear to be the villain to everyone. Don't buy it. Has she ever told you about these complaints, how a bad husband you were or the other bull shits? You were in the same marriage, did you cheat on her?
Expose them; to families, your and her friends, her coworkers. Tell them all truth. Don't let her show herself off as a love woman. She is not only a cheater but also a liar. By looking like she wanted R, she continued to cheat on you. Now she wants to D as if you were responsible for everything. Getting rid of such a person is not a loss for you, I would definitely not recommend R. But don't let her show you as a terrible person to other people either.
She kept saying "you won't be able to get over this, there will always be this undercurrent of hurt and anger".
What a hypocritical, stupid words! As if she wants to be with you and that is the obstacle.
What was her expectation; your willingness to share her with someone else without getting angry and hurt?
she kept rubbing my back trying to make me feel better... cuddling me...
Don't let her efforts to alleviate her guilt about her A. Treat her as a liar, a cheater deserves. Don't be rude, but don't act as if what she did never happened.
I think you should start doing hard 180 immediately.
Wish you well.
[This message edited by guvensiz at 9:14 PM, May 2nd (Sunday)]