I’m not sure if I’m trying to hurt myself or inform myself on his behaviours.
Seeking the truth about acts committed against you is perfectly reasonable.
I mean, why do we take people to court for their crimes? In part, it is so the investigation of said crime can be fleshed out, and the injured parties can speak their truth.
I say this with the utmost compassion, and with no intention of shaming you. But it is one of those hard-to-swallow pills that I had to come to terms with. Maybe it will help you to know that someone else has lived it too and come out the other side.
I was committing self-harm by staying with someone whose only commitment was to hurting me.I hung onto the glimmers of hope in his words, instead of recognizing the weight and meaning of each of his actions.
It didn't matter what the hurt was, how big or how small. He made willful decisions to build himself up, to seek those dopamine hits, at the expense of my health and sanity. Every day he was given a new chance. And every day he made the decision that made himself feel better, even if he knew it would hurt me.
Think of it this way. You love chocolate cake. You would eat it for every meal if you could. Then someone comes along and tells you that you could, in fact, have chocolate cake for every meal. It would come to your house, free of charge, delivered by some magical cake fairies. BUT, every time you took a bite of that cake, you would have to stab your husband. That's the trade off.
Normal, rational people would not take the cake. No matter how good it tastes, no matter how much you crave it.
Addicts want the cake so bad that they will rationalize stabbing you. You said something mean to them, so you deserved it. Or they'll minimize it, saying it's just a little scratch. They may even choose to stab you while you're sleeping in hopes that you won't wake up and they can just act like you must have been stuck by something in your sleep. They might take to little, tiny stabs - after all, the magic cake fairies didn't say what they had to stab you with, so maybe it's a tiny little needle sometimes. You're overreacting, they're just little cuts! At some point they start talking about how clumsy you are, how you must just be accidentally stabbing yourself. They have no idea where all of those wounds are coming from. Now they're gaslighting you, insisting they're not actually stabbing you, you just keep running into the knife. Meanwhile they've got a chocolate cake covered fork in one hand, and a bloody knife in the other asking you why on earth you are so upset.
He's got a knife in his hand, and he's choosing to stab you in the back with it. There's no gun to his head, it's a choice. He's shown you that he really likes stabbing you, and all of the cake that comes with it.
You can keep trying to wrestle the knife from his hand, or convince him why stabbing is bad. You can send him to therapists who also try to convince him that stabbing to get cake is bad, that there are other, less hurtful ways to get cake. But in the meantime, he's still stabbing you with a mouthful of cake.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop trying to convince the knife-wielding freak why you don't deserve to be stabbed, and just run far, far away from the guy with the knife.