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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 21

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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Okay so how do go about the week knowing he plans on meeting with one, maybe 2 different women at 2 different times Friday?? I work, of course it’s when I work. I don’t care to take the day off and catch him but I do care to ruin the fun! So at my wits end with this level of disrespect. I no longer feel bad for the ‘addict’ or the ‘victim.’ I just don’t have any care, concern or respect for him right now. More so with the ease of the pathological lying and gaslighting. This man can never be trusted in my opinion, even if he went back to rehab, therapy, etc.

From my detective skills, as we all get good at, at the very least he is meeting with one. He is currently chatting 3-4 of them this past week. He keeps forgetting his Apple Watch when he goes to work but hides it in his closet...why? Maybe he wants to be caught? Maybe he is just dumb!! Likely the latter.

So how do I not text them myself and tell them to F off, that they aren’t the only ones and give them a huge reminder that he is married with 2 kids very excited for Xmas holidays. That they should be disgusted with themselves for playing a part in potentially ruining their Christmas...I wouldn’t bother confronting him but after they let him know I know well then it will very well be over before this holiday even starts.

What should I do????

[This message edited by Somber at 6:40 PM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 627   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8616977
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 4:24 AM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Somber,

What about Covid? I know everyone has a different view of precautions but he's risking your and your children's health by exposing himself to these women. Obviously, his penis is far more important than a pandemic though. I caught my idiot STBX seeing hookers in August. He also left his a device where I could access it. And even knowing I'd caught him via his google maps history before - he'd never turned it off. I don't know if they want to get caught or if they are too deep in their addictions to go about it in a logical way.

The kids are going to eventually deal with the split and it's never going to be easy so delaying it doesn't change that. Hopefully, they will enjoy their gifts and that will distract them a little. You're going to be eating yourself alive trying to pretend everything's fine for the next few weeks to survive. You could wait until he's on his date and text him not to come home until he's quarantined for two weeks! Send a group text to him and his floozy - hope Mr. Cheater can stay with you as he can't come home until we are sure you're both civid-free. Merry fucking xmas asshole.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617034
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 11:36 AM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

My goodness Skeeter, I’m focused on his behaviour that I forgot all about covid. Well not forgotten, I work in healthcare and am covered head to toe at work, etc. It has become the new normal. I barely see anyone outside of work and my home, aside from my Mom.

Your are so right again!!! Like wtf, no regard for anyone else but himself. That is such a good point. I would hate to get covid or have to quarantine because he is so selfish in his addictions. To add to this, he has been at every bar that is open during this time. He is even one of the 10 only allowed drinking alone at times. Actually he was at a bar drinking the other day when he was texting to make me feel bad about him waiting in his truck until my therapy was over.

I can totally use that angle too, more reason to kick him to the spare room in the basement. I like the idea of the group text too. I think you said it before where it’s not fair that I have to walk on egg shells now to.

I guess my only stalling, aside from Xmas, is trying to get some documents in place. But really either way, eventually he will have to provide them.

It’s so flippin hard. One more day off for me, I plan to be one of 10 in a library (not bar or an affair partners home) trying to complete some more research before I book my free 30 minute trial.

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 627   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8617062
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:51 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Somber, I totally forgot about Covid too during R this spring and summer. I was so caught up in that he was cheating again, my trauma etc - I don't know but it only hit me later. And, he was always lecturing my son about not going places etc because "You don't want to get your mom sick." Always taking the moral high ground while he's in strip clubs and massage parlors and cheap motels seeing high volume hookers. Unreal.

You could certainly banish him to the basement. This way kids get to see him on xmas but he's out of your face.

Oh on the documents - do try hard to get everything possible. If he refuses to produce them, it's on you to pay your lawyer to compel him and that can get pricey - at least in the US. What I learned during my last divorce is they can ignore and obstruct, lie, etc because the standards aren't upheld as stringently in family law proceedings. If he chooses to lie about his financials, it's on you to prove otherwise.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617111
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

I'm currently reading on page 5 and this post by skeetermooch says it all... this hit home for me.

skeetermooch

Posted: September 19th (Saturday), 2020

I reject this whole paradigm of staying married with Herculean efforts. Marriage is a commitment entered into for, in large part, selfish reasons. We want to love and give love, have security and stability, to have a partner who has our back and helps us raise kids. It's not really an altruistic endeavor. Yes, we prioritize, support and nurture our partners, but it's not meant to be selfless, nor overly onerous. We do it because it's mutually beneficial. If they have to white-knuckle their way through that, can't keep their promises or participate reciprocally without therapists, rehabs, 12-step meetings, meds and surveillance then maybe they aren't marriage material. It's hard enough when you want it and you can keep your vows, why try to force yourself to do it? Clearly, they enjoy being dirt balls on the prowl more than they enjoy the comforts of a committed, loyal partners. Now, we can judge that all day long but the only real problem with it is the lying. They should just go be the creepy whoremongers, porn addicts and alley cats that they are naturally and accept it.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617152
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:19 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

And this... I can relate to all of this, waiting and hoping, waiting and hoping.

wrenching as it will be after all these years of "waiting and hoping he'd change."

other than I cannot TRUST the F'r any further than I can throw him

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617160
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

Yea that’s a good sum it up post by skeeter.

I had plans today to educate myself and failed. I had very few last minute Xmas things to do and it took me all day. I felt, once again, like a zombie. I forgot multiple times what I was needing to do, regardless of the very minimal things I needed. I broke down and cried in my car. I haven’t cried in years, so this is huge! I canceled a car appt and just came home for the last hour before I get the kids. I just want to go to bed forever.

There is so much to learn and do and I’m too foggy to do any of it today.

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 627   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8617174
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 7:14 PM on Wednesday, December 16th, 2020

HurtmyHeart, I also recommend checking out the previous iterations of this thread. They aren't active anymore because they're full, so you can't add to them, but you can still read. There are some good nuggets in there!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8617175
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:00 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I cannot TRUST the F'r any further than I can throw him

At the end of the day - that's the crux of the problem. Marriage is based on trust - it's so trite that we tend to gloss over that little fact. All the other good stuff is built on that. We focus on the window dressing: things in common, sex is still good, the house, the kids, the investments while the foundation is shattered beneath us.

I love the book, Cheating in a Nutshell. That really crystallized why I couldn't get past the cheating. It helped me shed the last remnants of denial.

Somber, you must be emotionally exhausted. Let yourself cry and rest and binge watch and binge eat.

I do take one thing back from my old post - they don't necessarily love cheating more; they love both, maybe equally and will lie, cheat and steal to have both - because they feel entitled to it.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617274
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:39 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Skeeter, I wish I knew how to highlight. You said-

I do take one thing back from my old post - they don't necessarily love cheating more; they love both, maybe equally and will lie, cheat and steal to have both - because they feel entitled to it.

Bingo! What I've learned from my experience is that they do want the best of both worlds; the loving, caring, mother/wife taking care of the family and the home, cooking nice meals, making things warm and cozy, so that after a night on the town with their hot and sexy young girlfriends, they get to come home to the comforts of home. And it is wrong.

Definitely entitlement. My trust for my SAWH dissolved completely and I knew that I would never regain it again. I never felt right about him again after he cheated on me.

HHDL, where do I find the other parts of this thread? I would love to get my hands on as much knowledge as I can about sex addiction.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617297
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Arfaj ( member #59457) posted at 6:35 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Hey all, it’s been about a year since I’ve been here. WH relapsed and kept it a secret. Newest D-Day was tonight. He’s leaving on Friday. I’m suddenly looking at being a single mother of three young and devastated children, with no job, in a global pandemic, with zero support network. Someone on the other side please tell me it gets better. I feel crushed into a thousand pieces and I know it’s only going to get worse when we break the news to the kids and watch their hearts break.

Me: BW
Him: WH (StoneLotus)
Married January 2017
Kids 7, 3, and baby
D-Day 1: 01-15-2017 (rug swept)
D-Day 2: 06-17-2017
D-Day 3: 12-16-2020
1 LTPA, 1 LTEA, 2 EAs, 5 Online Sexual RP partners

posts: 110   ·   registered: Jul. 2nd, 2017
id 8617305
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 7:38 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

They're just further down the page in the I Can Relate Forum

Here's Part 20:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639840

I'll have to dig around for Parts 18 and 19, I know they're still on the site, they've just been dropped off of the page since they're older.

Arfaj, I'm so sorry to hear about your most recent DDay!

It does get better. It's going to be hard first, but it will slowly get better.

What do you mean by he leaves Friday?

Also, Somber, I wanted to just send a note of encouragement! I hope your meeting goes well!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 830   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8617313
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 4:53 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I don't know who wrote this but it's another powerful statement:

Not necessarily, Superesse, maybe you were coping, maybe it wasn't denial but just you working through grief and living your life. If your husband hadn't been a disordered cheater the relationship might have been healing and nurturing and provided a safe place to continue processing other losses. The only fucked up thing here is WHO you ended up with, not you. You had every right to want a relationship, to be excited to date and get involved with someone who seemed wonderful.

If your ex hadn't turned out to be a disordered cheater, this would be a happy ending. He's the problem. We are smart women, as are our friends and families, who endorsed our mates. We chose to the best of our abilities but we were no match for sociopathic addicts. Maybe now we are - but we weren't before we knew these idiots.

HHDL-This is the only thread that I see on my phone for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617408
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I'm wondering why our SAWH chose us to be married to knowing full well that they enjoyed a variety of women and not just one? What made us desirable enough to marry and not the other women that they so easily slept with?

I have an idea what the answer is but I want to hear what others opinions are.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617412
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:33 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I'll tell you my answer, goes back to the earlier comments about wanting a sweet, loving motherly wife to take care of the family and home while he chased the wild, fun, exciting, loose women. He even told me that he loved loose women.

I know that he wouldn't want my daughter to be treated the way he treated me but he couldn't or wouldn't stop his behavior. The idea of my daughter being treated this way wasn't enough for him to stop.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8617416
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:49 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Arfaj, I'm so so sorry you had to suffer another dday and right amidst the holidays.

I can tell you that you will be much happier and a much more present mother when you get to the other side. Managing suspicion and pain takes our focus away from our children and healthy, happy goals. I hope you can get alimony and/or child support where you are. I've divorced with young kids before and it's terrifying by doable. You will wish you'd gotten out sooner if a million stories of infidelity are a guide.

HMH - I think sometimes these guys choose us because they delude themselves into thinking we're the one they can go "straight" for. I'm pretty sure my husband thought that. Or, we might seem the perfect, trusting, unconditionally loving mommy figure. My husband has also said he didn't think I would care - clearly because he kept doing it and was chagrined that I wouldn't just rug sweep and go back to normal. They aren't operating with a full deck so I don't know that even they could accurately answer this question - they are operating from instinct and addiction, not introspection and thoughtful planning. Ultimately, in their perfect world, they would have both - excitement of the new and strange and soft, cozy place to land with their long term partner.

It's hard for us to comprehend when simply having them was enough for us. No one will ever be enough for them and they lack the character to tell people who they really are and what they can offer and not offer. That second half is the part that gets me - many people don't want to be monogamous and have no problem being honest about it. It's utterly sociopathic to pretend you're monogamous when you aren't and then to destroy a spouse and crush your children for your selfishness.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617422
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 5:50 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Arfaj-

I'm so sorry about the relapse.

Mine was slipping and almost at a full blown relapse for 8 or so years before he got sloppy.

The handling of the relapse, by far, has been worse than anything else.

It will get better.

I was newly pregnant with #4 when I discovered the relapse. My boundary made over a decade ago, with different circumstances just no longer worked.

I've been trotting out thoughts of separating latetly. But, truthfully, there is no rush to do it tomorrow.

While I am the breadwinner, it doesn't make separation more palatable, as I'd be looking at paying over a third of my net income for child support alone. And alimony on top of that.

So. There is a better time.

I can be fairly detached from my husband. So, I am. He knows what I need him to do before I will think about making vulnerable again. He hasn't done anything from the list of four. I'm detached.

I will say, though, that my husband is also a good partner, despite being an addict.

posts: 1035   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8617424
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:57 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I'm wondering why our SAWH chose us to be married to knowing full well that they enjoyed a variety of women and not just one? What made us desirable enough to marry and not the other women that they so easily slept with?

I'm thinking my STBX needed the good image of a family man while being a sicko on the side feeding his sexual perversions. I made him look better as a person.

(((Arfaj))) I am so sorry you are experiencing a new D-Day. Life is really good on the other side once you get through all the detaching from them. It's not easy at first but does get easier as you go. I am much happier alone and seeing my kids 50/50 than living in misery with him wondering when the next shoe will drop.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8039   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8617428
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:15 AM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

Hurtmyheart, I haven't been here in a long while so my memory may not serve, but the quote addressed to me that you liked "sounded" like DevastatedDee's words of wisdom....somebody can chime in, if I'm wrong.

If we can all just get to 2021.....

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8617560
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:17 AM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

I don't know whether it's mine or not, but I agreed with every word and mentally high-fived you, ha ha ha!

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4468   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8617562
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