Newest Member: UnsureAgain

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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LemonSpearmint ( new member #75630) posted at 1:17 AM on Monday, November 16th, 2020

20yrsagoBS if you find where to buy sparkly panties please let me know!!!

Good luck with the AC - how good are you and your son being able to rig that.

Bad news on the COVID quarantine - hope he gets the all clear.

Happy Monday to all of you Womenz

Me: BW 40 / Him: WH 42
Dday July 15 2020
3 month EA/PA - Working on R

Keep moving forward

posts: 44   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8609449
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 12:25 AM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Hey womenz!

Just checking in. I know I've been MIA for a while, but I've been meaning to come back and share more, just haven't had the time. I've been working so much, which is good, and I'm not complaining about being employed. But it's draining, and all of the new Covid protocols make everything take so much more time and mental labor.

I've also been trying to keep myself functioning while dealing with all of the bullshit feelings that were coming up due to my 2 year antiversary being Nov 3rd. I've been keeping up with therapy every 2 weeks, but really longing for the days when I'm financially stable enough to go back to once a week because it honestly just doesn't feel like enough. Each session feels like it flies by and yet I still feel like we're barely touching on anything because I'm just playing catch up. Honestly I've been hanging on by a thread, haha.

What's new with everyone? Anyone have some KITD stories I can relish in?

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8609776
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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 8:47 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

HHADL:

Good to see you and hear that you're hanging in there - even if it's by a thread.

Tough times for every single one of us these days I think - even though the circumstances vary a bit. I always say to myself that someone has got it worse than me when I start feeling too puny.

Anyone seen TG lately?

Sending good vibes in every single direction to the Womenz today.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Loving flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2140   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8610053
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 11:05 PM on Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

Wish I had a good story. Just making it through my days - some are good, some are blah - occasionally there's a really good day. All in all progress. My STBX is still begging for another chance - not ever happening though.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8610110
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 12:37 AM on Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

Hey HHADL - I was in SoCal for a few weeks last month, visiting my BFF who has terminal cancer. I thought about you a bunch and was trying to send some good vibes from a closer range :)

I did manage to get some Versaille cuban (my fav and my midwest town has VERY limited Cuban options), and did 2 trips to visit my mom in central CA (ugh - long story).

Anyhow, glad to see you back and hope your financial situation shifts enough to get some more therapy. Personally, I'm mostly on every other week due to scheduling issues, and "supplement" with my own reading, hours long phone calls with my loved ones, etc.

I've recently restarted reading "Attached" (got thru most of it awhile back, but never finished and decided to start from beginning). It's kind of amazing to me how I can see my own perspective shifts from re-reading something today that I was knee deep into months or years ago. I bought it in paper, but my focus is still so shitty that I really don't absorb as well when not "reading" via audiobook (which sucks bc before DDay I was the opposite as to audio and a voracious reader.... sigh... another thing "lost" to the tendrils of infidelity).

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8610128
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

Sending out all the good vibes!!

Trying to get back here more, I've realized I've really missed it.

Chili, you're right, someone always has it worse. I remind myself that it's a good thing that I have a job that is keeping me busy, when so many have lost their employment. I agree, anyone heard from TG lately? And where has the original BAGSU, Chaos, been? And Coco, where you at?

Skeeter - can I just say how proud I am that you're not giving in to the douchenugget? Soooo many congratulatory kudos being sent your way.

GMC. Hi!!! I'm sure I was feeling your vibes while you were out here :) . How is your friend doing? How are you doing after the drunken/bloody incident the other night?

I've been trying to do my own thing on the side to supplement as well, unfortunately with the hours I've been working it's been hard to keep up with anything. I pretty much just come home, eat something and immediately hit the hay.

I do feel pretty over extended, but I'm kinda of the mindset that I can't say no to work right now, because I fear another shut down is imminent. So I have to get it while the getting is good. I'm already paying off debts I accumulated during the last shut down, I really don't want to add more to it.

I totally feel you on the reading. My concentration is absolutely shot. It's been worse the past few months, which I feel like is a big part of the reason I haven't been posting as much. I can't get myself to sit down and concentrate on writing out coherent thoughts. I skim posts, but even that I find myself missing huge chunks of them and being unable to process what people are actually writing.

I'm just proud of myself for at least replying to a couple of posts the past few days. Because I do feel better when I interact with people here, I feel like I can process more when I'm talking it out to someone, even if it's just in writing.

My last therapy session this past Monday felt like it absolutely flew by. Sometimes I wish I could just do daily therapy for a few weeks, maybe I might get more out of it if it was intensive. I'll be in the middle of a really revelatory thought and then bang, we're out of time.

I've been voice journaling the past week or so. Basically, I open up voice memos in my phone and talk like I'm having a one-sided therapy session. It's not something I think I can keep up with long term because of all of the space it takes up, but it feels better to record it than to just talk to myself.

Oh, and my apartment looks like a bomb went off. I cannot get myself to clean for the life of me. I think I need a week of time where I'm not getting any calls or emails. Then maybe I might start chipping away at it.

Hi to everyone I haven't "met" yet! What's up??

LadyG, sorry to hear about your dog. I hope the pain of that eases soon! 2020 owes us a few good days, at least!

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8610441
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 5:53 AM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

HHADL - the voice journal sounds like a great idea. Wondering if Google drive's 15gb could be a way to offload and free up some space?

I have some friends/family IRL that know my sitch and have been my "side therapists". It seemed that once I tried to really drill down into trauma (vs infidelity), those connections really began to take root.... IOW, most folks have some trauma to work on, so trying to flesh through triggers and becoming mindful of what's happening in our bodies, where our reactions to certain feelings stem from (and it's often not "just" the A), working on healthy ways to react, etc doesn't require that the other person have experienced infidelity.

I live in a perpetually bombed house.... In desperate need of some Marie Kondo!

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8610466
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:33 PM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

Thank you, HHADL!

I'm pretty proud of myself too!

The concentration thing hits me on and off. My anxiety makes me more ADD than usual and I can't focus at all on anything.

Voice journaling sounds great.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8610538
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 3:33 PM on Saturday, November 21st, 2020

Hey ladies!

I know it's a weekend, so unlikely to get much response right now, but figured I would reach out.

For those who don't know my story, aside from Methhead McSexAddict, my lovely XH, I have two amazing step daughters, who I only specify as step because, well, I would have had to have been 12 when I had them, which I feel like needs clarification. In every other way, they're my daughters to me.

Anyway, DD21 can't live at her apartment anymore - they were living there while not on the lease, and long story short, they were found out. Well, she was. The BF was not and is fine to continue living there. So, DD asked me if she could move in with me until she can figure out getting a place of her own.

She knows the rule that the BF cannot live with me, but she has had an open invitation since Day 1, and she's taking me up on it. Great! I wish the reason she was moving in was because she was breaking up with the douchebag BF, but oh well, at least this is one more step towards independence where her whole day doesn't revolve around this idiot.

Now I'm realizing that my 21 year old daughter is about to move in with me, which means I'm basically going to have a roommate again, and I haven't had a roommate other than my husband in close to a decade!

My question is - does anyone have suggestions for the type of boundaries I should lay out with her?

There are the obvious ones like clean up after yourself etc. that I know she will already do. I taught them from a young age to respect the communal space by cleaning up after yourself, and she's always been very conscientious about that.

I'm thinking more along the lines of, what type of boundaries do I draw up surrounding the BF and him visiting the house. I know I don't want him to stay over, that's not ok with me. I also wouldn't want it to be one of those things where he comes over, stays late, and then they try to use that as an excuse for why he should just stay. Basically, I'm thinking I need to enforce some kind of curfew for him leaving by a certain time, like 10pm.

Also, under normal circumstances I wouldn't want to restrict him coming over to see her, but we're still in a pandemic, and I don't know if I can trust how safe he is/isn't being. I know if I tell her that she can't see him at all that's too controlling/boundary crossing. So what say the SI boundary experts?

The last thing I want is for her to go start sleeping in her car again. She did that when she first left her Dad's house and I told her that she could live with me, but the BF couldn't. She chose the BF, and they lived out of her car for over a month. I know I can't control if she chooses to do that again.

I do think it's a positive step that she is the one who called me this time, and she didn't even ask if the BF could come stay. She said the BF is upset about not living together anymore, but she knew that the healthiest thing for them to do right now is to stay separately until they can figure out getting another place.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8611167
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 1:23 AM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

Hey HHADL,

Seems like she already gets that the bf isn't terribly welcome, which is a good start. I like your curfew idea if you trust him enough to be in your house and not steal or be disruptive. If he becomes a constant presence and it's messing with your enjoyment of your home, I'd add further limits. The thing I would fear is them making me feel like an outsider in my own apartment.

If she doesn't have a job I'd probably insist that she get one and if she stays over a month or so maybe institute a modest rent and meaningful chores - not because you need that but because young adults tend to become very entitled when everything's handed to them and it breeds resentment. Maybe you could have her make dinner a few nights a week?

I hope she's a fun addition to your household. Maybe seeing you out from under your ex-douche will inspire her to break free too.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8611247
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Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 9:36 AM on Sunday, November 22nd, 2020

I have also been MIA in posting but I have been reading a lot. Especially in the 'BS questions for WS' thread. I've read part 14 all the way through and then went back and read part 13 all the way through. If you haven't already and you feel 'ready', I would definitely recommend.

I started in september, I think, making my way through all of the posts. It has brought me some much needed clarity. So many questions that I've had were answered and many, many more. It has been quite a breakthrough in my recovery. Would love to hear your thoughts if any of you have been reading there as well.

Hey HHADL,

Nice to 'meet' you! I'm not a boundary expert but I think you already have a good idea of what boundaries you want to enforce. No staying over and 10 pm is go-time. For the restriction of him visiting: maybe choose two or three days a week that you want a 'no guest-rule' so that you get to have some quality time with her or some quality time to yourself. This will at least cut down the amount of days he will be there.

As for Covid: maybe have him (and any other guests) wash his hands before entering the apartment and keep two feet distance between you and him at all times? It's hard because then you'll have to keep that distance to your daughter as well. But that's what my parents do when I visit them.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 263   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8611280
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 4:12 PM on Monday, November 23rd, 2020

Hiya Hedwig

Happy Holidays Warriors!

I’m off today and tomorrow, general house cleaning and getting ready for Thanksgiving.

Cheathole is still in Colorado Springs until 11/29, in quarantine. His COVID-19 test negative, no symptoms.

We discuss his Fuckery for about two hours every evening, by phone

He’s under the impression that I am supposed to be interested in piecing together a regular marriage out of this shit? Dumbass

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 11:35 PM, November 23rd (Monday)]

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8611522
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:10 PM on Wednesday, November 25th, 2020

HHADL - I am in kind of a similar situation now. My oldest son lives with me. The other 2 kids are away at school. My oldest is done school and thanks to Covid...his career is on a bit of a holding pattern right now, so he cannot afford his own place. It has occurred to me, that is different to live with an adult child rather than my WH or when the kids were younger. We have more respect for each other and don’t take the dynamic for granted.

I have made it a priority for each of us to respect each other’s spaces. And we try our best to be “good” roommates. I did lay out GF boundaries early on. A little more lax than yours...no random sleepovers for sure.

And truth be told...it’s a unnecessary rule as he is completely single right now. He is trying his best to get over the shit show and damage my WH did. He is terrified of getting older and becoming like his father. He is in therapy...he is angry at his dad and is not mourning him because of it. He basically is experiencing betrayal trauma/ptsd from my WH infidelities. Honestly he is nothing like his dad and I a proud of him for facing this aftermath head one.

If he becomes in a committed relationship...we will talk about boundaries again then. I told him that I never wanted to be in my kitchen, having my morning coffee and have some random girl come up from the basement. Yikes...no way.

Also, above and beyond keeping the house clean...I gave him “jobs”. If he is going to live here, he has to contribute by helping me maintain the house and property.

It’s only be a few months...but so far so good. I am thankful we have each other.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8612045
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Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 7:15 AM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Hey 20yrsago and all the other bad ass b's!

I am all caught up with the posts here. LadyG, I'm so sorry about your dog.

Liked Ellie's gratefullness challenge:

- I am grateful to have my own apartment that is my refuge in these times and all other times

- I am grateful I have so many parks in my neighbourhood where I can go for long walks on the weekends

- I am grateful for my amazing friends, who are funny and kind and loving and smart

I am also very grateful to have SI, to have you all sharing your stories and experiences (and Christmas Cards )

Happy thanksgiving for those who celebrate!

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 263   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8612263
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:41 PM on Thursday, November 26th, 2020

Happy Thanksgiving to each one of you Warriors!

Coming from me, I hope you know you are adored, admired, and your inspire me!

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8612327
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:41 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Asshole flies back to Florida on Sunday.

So tell me something Womenz

Do your Cheaters think they are good people despite their cheating?

What do YOU think?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8612699
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:41 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

Asshole flies back to Florida on Sunday.

So tell me something Womenz

Do your Cheaters think they are good people despite their cheating?

What do YOU think?

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2113   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8612700
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Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 9:00 AM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

20yrsago,

Mine didn't, but he didn't think much of himself before either. Very low self-esteem, so he sought a lot of external validation. Whether it was from his job or playing KISA for people.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 263   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8612736
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 2:13 PM on Saturday, November 28th, 2020

My cheater thinks he's the BEST person despite his cheating. He cheated extensively with more women than he can count and yet he will tell me he's the best man I've every been with, a good person, etc etc.

His ability to compartmentalizes the incredible trauma he inflicts and see himself as wonderful is astounding.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1170   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8612765
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:56 AM on Sunday, November 29th, 2020

Hey ladies....I need some advice. I am over one year past Dday of WH first LTA affair, almost 6 months since his passing and 5 months since Dday of his second LTA affair. This may be a silly question but how do you know you are on the path to healing?

I have spent hours and hours thinking about how our marriage went wrong...how I ended up where I am. With his passing I have to say it’s far better than I was when he was alive...his constant hurting of me and lack of honesty killed my spirit. But living with unanswered questions and knowing he lied to me up until he died is hard.

Just before he passed....I asked him if I was really so awful that he needed to cheat...he told me “yes” I was. My logical mind knows that the cheating was 1000% on him and this is a bunch of bull shit justifying and rewriting of our marriage...but the hurt from him saying that is still there. I think him saying that has caused me some damage. So I am still working through it all and trying my hardest to rebuild my self esteem and self worth.

Currently I am leaps and bounds better than where I was a year ago...so it leads me to my second question. What does “healed” look like for you?

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -4 yr LTA affair ended 2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair

posts: 520   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8612899
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