I am still here.
I don't know what's been keeping me from updating or posting here. Shame? Disgust at myself?
Long story short (and yes I know it usually doesn't turn out to be very short at all....) is I've initiated the divorce process. Contacted my lawyer, understood the procedures and timelines and considerations involved. Never ever ever pictured myself as someone who would be in a broken marriage or someone who "has a divorce lawyer". But here we are.
Turns out (like I said I've been completely disconnected with how a divorce is like) the process will take many months. The back and forth between our lawyers. The negotiations and settlements of all ancillary matters. The court dates and finalising of all issues. It is such a long process. And when I was apprised of it all, my gut reaction was dread. I wished it would be something that could happen right away. It is as if a divorce would magically stop the pain. Or at least mitigate the pain.
I'm sure in a lot of ways it would. To have some form of closure. To be able to have refocus on rebuilding myself. I just want to stop caring. The truths, the lies, the manipulation, the sex, the betrayal... it all hurts more because of how much I care. I find myself concluding that the less I care, the less all of it will matter. Ergo if I manage to stop caring, stop loving, I would stop hurting.
It's been a month of home lockdown due to covid, with another month to go (till 1st June). So we are stuck at home for better or worst.
Serendipitously she has secured a new job, so has been serving her notice for her previous job at home away from the office. It's been 2 months since she last seen her AP. 3 months since last contact with her AP. But because of the truth trickling, it doesn't really matter.
To me, her affair was from Aug 2019 till her latest confession. It doesn't matter that she "ended" it in Jan. It doesn't matter that she was slightly still ambivalent in Feb. It doesn't matter that she "decided" or "chose" me.
Her lying, her manipulation, her relentless decision to protect herself from her actions and keep me in the dark throughout multiple D-days meant I have lost all basis of reality and truth, and I have lost all ability to trust her.
I've told her I am not going to delay or postpone or put the divorce process on hold. There is no pause button here.
She is begging me to hit the pause button. She says I will see. Just give her some time and I will see for myself. She is working on herself, she is working on change, she is going to be a safe person. She will work to become a responsible mother and a committed and caring wife who will learn how to love and respect and honour me. She says I just need to pause, let her prove it to me. Let me see it.
To paraphrase, isn't this just begging for a chance? A chance she doesn't deserve? Chances like these were given against my better judgement, and said chances were all squandered and pissed on by her.
She is giving me a complete timeline. She is vowing NC. She is including me in the process of ensuring NC. (She doesn't want any chance of relapse, apparently, and she says she wants us bad enough to do anything to make sure she doesn't fuck it up at all.) She is giving me access to her WhatsApp, her emails. She is vowing to stay accountable to her every movement as and when she resumes going back to work. She is giving me full autonomy over our finances. Giving transparency to every single cent she has spent and will spend.
I think she knows it is too little too late. I think it is too little too late, too.
I do love her. And if we split, it would be because she didn't love me. Until it was too late.
I've just been super busy coping with... post-dday rollercoasters. Trying not to binge eat. Trying not to lash out. Trying not to cry too much. Trying not to die.
Just surviving for now.