Here is what you know:
Sept. 28: This was a Saturday. She came home shit-faced drunk the night before (Friday night) after a night out with "colleagues". M84 took the opportunity to look at her phone, where he found a bunch of intimate sexy texts with the AP. Also found that she had deleted all prior text history with the AP (but was apparently too drunk that night to delete the ones from that evening).
M84, you don't tell us what led you to grab her phone. That's not something every married person does whilst caring for a drunk spouse. You must have had some gut feeling, a "spidey sense" as we say.
That day, he confronted and browbeat her until she finally admitted that she had slept with this colleague "twice" during a work trip in August. Gotta give her some credit for imagination in saying it was twice. Most cheaters say something more vague "two or three times". Twice is a nice variation on the lie.
Her initial response. The first thing she offered as a solution:
Next morning she just asked flatly, should I pack up and leave? I suppose you want me to get out of the house?
Is that the mindset of a WW who even wants R?
After some more browbeating by M28, she swore on her mother's vagina that she would go completely NC with the asshole.
March 12 (almost six months later): M84 posts here on SI for the first time (actually, the first posts were on March 2, but March 12 was the first "here is me" post). Clearly, despite the pledge of NC, something was bugging him.
It was the wee hours of the morning on a Thursday. He said, in this first post:
After Dday, lots of gas lighting and what not. Took her 4 months before her "withdrawals" tapered off. 2 months ago she "woke up" from the fog. Has been (so far, I know it's early days and premature to judge) an "exemplary" WW that wants to make amends and get us to embark on reconciliation.
"Has been an exemplary WW that wants to make amends."
Exemplary. After her "withdrawal" (from the AP) "tapered off."
Except, six months later, you're trolling here, then posting here, then opening a thread here. Your gut knows something is wrong. M84, do you see how hopium can lead a BH to believe a line of bullshit from a woman? Hopium is the most dangerous drug of a BH, and brother you're hitting that glass pipe hard.
March 30: After much browbeating, M84's WW admits to him that there has been no NC. Whoops, there was no "exemplary". There was no "taper off". There was no "withdrawal". Instead, she has been having drinks, coffee, dinner with the AP, even kissing and hugging him, the whole freaking time since Dday 1. They got away with it because she convinced M84 that there was "tapering off" and "withdrawal", whilst taking it deeper underground.
April 19: M84's spidey sense is still tingling. He continues to browbeat her. Finally, she admits that, after Dday 1, during the time she was being "an exemplary WW", she purchased a hotel room (did she use family money -- your money -- for this?) and played hookey from work to have a sex romp with the AP.
Pretty much everything she has said to you to date about the timeline is likely bullshit, to one degree or another. If there is one thing we have seen a scrillion times here, it's that a cheating WW engaged in this level of flat-out dishonesty has done way more cheating than she has admitted. Is it possible that this is the one single pink unicorn thread where, despite 9 months of lying and TT and admitting only the bare minimum to stop the browbeating, M84's WW has actually disclosed everything? Sure, it's possible. But I'll snort a line of corona virus if that ends up being the case.
I feel I need to close by discussing the pick-me dance. As in, don't do it.
On the day I decided to surprise her by ordering in her favourite food (we are all in lockdown due to covid), just as a nice gesture because I still care, and also perhaps as an indication to her (and to myself) that I will give us a chance.
At 5pm, I wanted her to take a nap (she wasnt feeling very well) and wake up to the nice surprise I have in store for her.
Please stop. You can't "nice" a woman back. It has never worked in the annals of history, and never will.
Friend, you are in infidelity. This site is to help you get out. The two paths are R or D. R requires two participants, one of whom is a remorseful, empathetic cheater who is transparent and honest. You don't have one of those. Not even close. So, at present, your only path out of infidelity is D.
I have said previously that she sounds like a woman who simply does not wish to be married. She's having second thoughts about committing to her first and only and wants to sow some wild oat, experience the world.
I still think that's the most likely explanation, but there is another possible explanation, which is that she's cracking under the pressures unique to your family, including two working parents and a high needs child. She's not up to the task. So she cheats on you (and, since cheating is transitive to family members, on her son), because she can't carry her weight as a wife and mother.
That's a darker view, but one I think you should consider.
[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:11 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]