Newest Member: Dazedandconfused1978

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread

Topic is Sleeping.
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 6:30 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

"YOU get a kick in the dick! YOU get a kick in the dick!! EEEEEVVVVEEEERYBODY gets a kick in the dick!!!"

Chaos reminded me that I forgot to mention this. I love you guys - the laughs are endless in here. Thanks for this one Ellie! And YAY on your CH giving you one bit of good this week. So happy the Stig gets to stay and live with you.

Wouldn't it be cool to have a partner who didn't make you cry? If I ever get back into dating, that's what I want. Furthermore, I insist on a partner who, if he sees me crying, is overcome with empathy and concern as I would be for him.

I have this sneaking suspicion that this is actually how it's supposed to work.

Dee Yeah, it doesn't seem like much, does it? I think empathy is the key. So many men are missing that important characteristic. It's been interesting to watch my WH learn what empathy is. He can hold me without trying to stop me from crying (fix it because it makes him uncomfortable) and half of the time cries along with me. Too bad empathy is learned and men are supposed to be tough and crying and emotions are for sissies, so they don't usually get a chance to learn that skill.

My husband works out of town, he has an apartment there. Today he moved out of the apartment complex where his AP lives and into a different apartment. Which is GREAT, right, except now my tracking app shows him within a 999 yard range. I'm not sure why, but it's making me anxious not knowing where he is exactly.

AIAI I think the anxiety is pretty normal in that situation. I used to track WH in his office building while he still worked with the cOW (before I even knew about the sex) and freaked out once when it showed him in a restaurant next door. I called him immediately and he jumped out of a meeting to answer - and while I was on the call, I noticed that the GPS was just a little off and corrected itself. He had not been in that restaurant but a conference room. (And no, it would not have been possible for him to move that fast ) I hope he's being honest. There's no way we can control them, and take it from me, continued anxiety about that shit will make your hair fall out...

We were talking the other day about our early perceptions of each other. He told me that he used to feel I was a controlling person... but now he sees me as being a caring person . He said he felt my “suggestions” were covert “orders” . It is weird how our perceptions change when we see the REALITY!

W2BHA Mine said something very similar. Any advice that went against something he thought he "deserved" was me trying to control him. Looking back, he sees that I was just suggesting things that would make his life a more peaceful one. (Men and women can very rarely be platonic friends, illegal drugs aren't a good idea for someone with a family, strip clubs are depressing and the girls who work there are broken, staying in a house with mixed sex co-workers is crossing boundaries, etc.) Boundaries meant control then. Now boundaries mean safety. Duh.

It's Friday my ladies! I will not be toasting tonight because we are going to pack meals for starving children for my niece's birthday. I hope you are all enjoying your Friday and that the weekend has great things ahead. WH and I are going to a musical tomorrow and the he leave Monday for his intensive. I wrote him a letter for each day he is there. (He did the same for me and I really appreciated it.) Hoping that the week apart with no contact with each other will be good for both of us. But it still makes me nervous...

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 985   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8440498
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 7:04 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

"YOU get a kick in the dick! YOU get a kick in the dick!! EEEEEVVVVEEEERYBODY gets a kick in the dick!!!"

This wins the BWT quote of the year award (is there some honorable Betrayed Woman we could name this award after? I can think of some politician's wives, but I don't want to violate the "no politics" rule. Or we could ironically name it after Esther Perel? Or after Oprah because she is an icon of awesome womanhood?

I am so glad you are keeping Stig, Ellie! And it must have taken a lot of courage to bring it up with your ex. I am planning to get a pet for our house soon, but it will be a python! (My son is obsessed with snakes and particularly with pythons.) Interestingly, my kids recently got a new aide who helps them with their therapy for autism, and she owns 3 ball pythons, so she is going to help us set up our python enclosure.

My boyfriend is still struggling with his daughter's mental health issues. He's not sure what he can do, other than get her into therapy. The public health care system seems to be letting her fall through the cracks, since the hospital did a psychological evaluation and then discharged her. Based on her behaviour, she probably made a suicide attempt and if not has a serious substance problem. So, he has to find supports for her by himself. There seem to be lots of support groups for people whose loved ones have committed suicide, but a gap for those whose loved ones have made attempts but not succeeded.

Just want to say for those who are relatively freshly on your own, having got out of infidelity through separation/divorce, that it is hardest at first and gets better and better. You get to have other relationships if you are interested, and you get to set your terms and boundaries.

Courage to those who are in limbo or reconciliation. I often think I had an easier path than many because my ex made it so easy to choose separation rather than reconciliation. (Not that it still didn't take me months to break my particular hopium habit).

I hope you all have great weekends!

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8440528
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 9:24 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

Wouldn't it be cool to have a partner who didn't make you cry? If I ever get back into dating, that's what I want. Furthermore, I insist on a partner who, if he sees me crying, is overcome with empathy and concern as I would be for him.

I have this sneaking suspicion that this is actually how it's supposed to work.

Yes, it is how it is supposed to work. My husband has his faults, many obviously, but he is overcome with empathy as I cry in his arms. Especially since DDay. I can see it on his face. That is one of the things that is keeping me going and giving me hope.

I had a fucking crappy day. Started off this morning crying because he is leaving soon for his business trip. First one since DDay to the place where he first met the Psycho. Bringing up so many emotions. Then I get to work. I work with autistic preschoolers. As one child was painting in front of me, somehow white paint splattered on my face. Eyes, eyebrows and nose. Luckily it didn’t go actually in my eye. As i was cleaning it off in the bathroom I just start tearing up about what a sucky day this has been. I haven’t cried at work yet and I really can’t! So i gathered myself together and went on with my day.

Later when i texted WH about everything he tells me: “Its not that bad of a day if you remember all the positive. We have each other, our children, our home and our future. All those things are there for you.” It’s crazy how the one who has caused me this pain also calms me and makes me feel better.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 3:24 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8440590
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 9:43 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

Weekend toasts to Stig the Cat! Even Rashawnda is raising a finger and a full glass to that 🍹🍹

And yes - we can have Perel Awards. Trophy in the shape of a big middle finger 🖕🏻

[This message edited by Chaos at 10:08 AM, September 21st (Saturday)]

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8440602
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 10:55 PM on Friday, September 20th, 2019

Daisy Anne, can I just say as a parent to two autistic children how much I appreciate what you do at work? I don't know where I'd be without the amazing professionals who have worked with my kids and shared their knowledge of child development, communication and many other things. And I recognize that my kids can be extra challenging to teachers and aides, but they can also be very thoughtful (my son invited his aide to his 8th birthday party).

Ellie is the first recipient of the Perel award. We look forward to your acceptance speech. I will try to find an appropriate image for the trophy when I'm not on a work computer.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8440639
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Glashalffull ( member #69085) posted at 12:29 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Ellie, I am so glad you got to keep Stig AND you were so polite about it, even!

Daisy, my wh is now mostly impotent (dm, heart issues, 60yrs old, lots of meds), yet I still don’t trust him! That’s how whacked this fucking rollercoaster ride we were force on is.

Cheers to Friday and dick kicking! LOVE IT!

posts: 80   ·   registered: Dec. 10th, 2018
id 8440678
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 1:07 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

TX - Hope your week long break from each other works out well... I do think it is probably not a bad thing to just have a little space. And the letter thing is really cool! I am glad he wrote some for you too :)

Hawke - Ball pythons are precious! And I am so sorry about your bf daughter A good friend of mine has a brother with schizophrenia and the hoops they have had to jump through to get him help are just ridiculous. Mental health services in this country are sorely lacking IMHO. Fingers crossed that she can get the help she needs!

Daisy - sending you hugs! I am so sorry you had a rough day but you held it together and you're a trooper!

HB hope you're doing better today!

And omgosh, the Perel Award!?! I am so flattered and honored to receive this amazing award! This glorious middle finger will look fabulous on my shelf with my sparkly skulls...

Oh where to start?? I would like to thank my IRL family, and of course all of my fantastic SI family who have propped me up more than they know in the darkest times of my life I would also like to extend a huge thank you to Rashawnda and her unparalleled fabulousness! A small thank you must be extended to my Xdouchehole as well, without whom I would not have laced up my dick kicking boots in the first place

Cheers to The Stig!!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8440686
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 5:19 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Here, here, Ellie! I’m so glad you gave Rashawnda the credit she is due.

In other news, my boyfriend popped by tonight to break up with me. He wants to focus on his daughter, which is reasonable. It still hurts, and I feel lonely, but I don’t think it was going to last anyway. It was my first relationship after splitting with my cheating ex, and I think it was really healing for me. Even the break up, as much as it hurts, was done honestly and fairly cleanly (although he said he’d like to still be friends, and I’m not sure if I want to do that. Cordial, yes. Friends, tricky). So, I’m nursing my wounds and eating all the chocolate tonight. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8440754
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 5:51 AM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Oh Hawke I'm sorry

But two good take aways - 1. It is really good that he is prioritizing his daughter when she needs him and 2. He broke up with you for a legit reason and did it in a mature and decent way.

This shows you (and me) that there are actually decent men out there which is a good thing to know.

Snarf that chocolate!!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8440760
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 3:02 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Hawke, first I am so sorry about the break up. I agree with Ellie, he handled it well. Hugs to you! And thank you for your kind words about working with autistic children. It is very challenging but also very rewarding. How sweet of your son to invite his aide (I am an aide as well). Obviously you are doing something right in raising him! Your children are lucky to have you!

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8440851
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:54 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

((Hawke))

I insist on a partner who, if he sees me crying, is overcome with empathy and concern as I would be for him.

First, I would have to learn to cry in front of others. I can't do it even if I want to. My mother taught me at a very young age just how dangerous that it.

I have this sneaking suspicion that this is actually how it's supposed to work.

I think you may be onto something. I've been thinking lately that maybe men can't truly love a woman. The thought hit me as I was watching a scene in a TV show of a H comforting his W. I didn't believe he really felt what he was portraying. I think men don't have the capacity to feel deeply. 🤷‍♀️

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8440862
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 4:11 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Forgot to say that I love the Perel award!

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8440870
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:12 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

Hugs Hawke

I’m eating solidarity chocolate. I’ve also raised my coffee cup and finger a la Rashawnda (and waived it too) and called him a Flaming Fuckwad.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8440871
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 7:49 PM on Saturday, September 21st, 2019

I wish there was a way to let Rashawnda know about all the love she's getting. Maybe we should all call or email the credit card company or whatever it is and put in votes for Rashawnda for employee of the year.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8440922
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

Thanks for all the sympathy. I think breaking up was the right decision for both him and me. I'm meeting up with friends twice this week. Today, I joined a yoga studio (and I'm going to a breathwork and cacao equinox ceremony tomorrow night - so excited!). I'm looking forward to focusing on me and my kids and nurturing the friendships that I let slide while I was in a relationship.

coco, sometimes I wonder if I can feel all that deeply for a man. I mean, shouldn't I be devastated or something? But here I am, after a good cry, a hot bath and some chocolate, looking forward to getting on with MY life.

Chaos, I appreciate the solidarity chocolate. I give you permission to eat all the solidarity chocolate you want! I bought a whole box of raspberry salted caramels I plan to devour tonight.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8441015
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:24 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

sometimes I wonder if I can feel all that deeply for a man. I mean, shouldn't I be devastated or something?

Not necessarily. Maybe you've become such a strong, independent woman that you can see this breakup is for the best. You can appreciate the time you had as part of your growth and learning. You now know that there's nothing wrong with you that caused the guy to leave. I think that's awesome!

I do get what you are saying, though. I wonder that about myself. If I got divorced, I don't know that I would ever want to be in a serious relationship again.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8441024
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Hawke ( member #47517) posted at 4:47 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

Not necessarily. Maybe you've become such a strong, independent woman that you can see this breakup is for the best. You can appreciate the time you had as part of your growth and learning.

Yes, I think you hit the nail on the head. I was starting to realize that the relationship had outgrown its benefit or usefulness to us, or at least to me, but it was still comfortable and change is uncomfortable. It was good, I learned a lot about myself and about relationships, but it's time to move on.

Me: BS (b. '75)
Him: exWS (b. '76)
D-Day: April 2015
Together 10 years
2 kids: 2011 and 2014
Separated (no divorce required for common law couple in my jurisdiction)

posts: 2370   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8441039
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DaisyAnne ( member #71434) posted at 1:24 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

Hawke, that is a great attitude! Good for you!

WH is off to the airport now for his business trip. It’s going to be a long, hard 4 days. The only positive part: no cooking. I rarely cook when he isn’t home. My kids are very happy for lots of Chipotle this week.

Me: BW - early 40's
Him: WH - late 40's
Married: 18 years, together 24
2 teenage children
Dday: 5/23/19
Reconciling

posts: 241   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2019
id 8441081
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cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 5:02 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

The only positive part: no cooking. I rarely cook when he isn’t home. My kids are very happy for lots of Chipotle this week.

I hate cooking! My fch does most of the cooking, so when he travels, I have to do it. We do get a lot of take out and delivery.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8441165
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heartbroken83 ( member #71395) posted at 11:39 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2019

I'll third that! I hate cooking too. I hope everyone had a good weekend.

Mine started rough but then turned out good.

posts: 147   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2019   ·   location: CT
id 8441299
Topic is Sleeping.
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