Newest Member: Notarunnerup

I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019

Thank you. This has helped me today. I’m glad I didn’t react or contact him. In a ridiculous twist, when he initially told me he was having an affair and leaving to be with his new girlfriend he told me he had found having the affair so stressful he would never do it again to her 😂 I have no idea why he told me that. Puffstuff, you’re right. They did start their relationship in a flurry of deceit and lies. I wouldn’t want to be either of them. I do feel much better then I did a month ago and I’m convinced that I will be happy again. I just need to build my confidence again and accept my new situation. Thanks for all your help

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8416899
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 2:27 PM on Thursday, August 8th, 2019

That's a weird thing to tell you. I think sometimes these fuckfaces, despite spending months deceiving us and betraying us and devaluing us and all that, still have one foot in the "routine" of being with us, whether they want to or not. That walking shart I called a wife let slip a "sweety" and a "honey" a few times during week 1 while we were "talking through things"* when she most certainly didn't love me anymore, admitted to having feelings for AP, and didn't want to save the marriage. Hubby telling you how stressful his affair was is him absent-mindedly settling back into that mode you two existed in where you were friends. Next time he tells you shit like that, tell him "Like I give a shit, ASSHOLE, jesus christ, fuck off" or whatever your choice of dismissal phrase is.

*talking through things: the cheater already checked out and is secretly talking to lawyers now that you've outed their affair, but to your face they will placate you so that you don't (A) tell anyone about their indiscretions and (B) come after your fair share of the assets.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8417146
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 12:07 AM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

Think I will use that exact choice of dismissal phrase 😂 and I think you’re right, he really thought I was still there to support him. 🙄

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8417452
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:02 AM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

up and down, to be expected. no contact is the only real tool i have to cope with this, the rest is just riding the thoughts, memories, emotions and the practicalities. you cannot control what comes into mind. i notice, and i guess this is a man thing, the desire to see "I'm ok" when I am really not. when i feel heartbroken (i truly know what that word means now), i am practicing acknowledging it. sitting with it for as long as the mind moves onto something else. i keep ruminating about what i will do if she wants to come back. i truly am in two minds. i don't know what i would do if i got that phone call.

other than NC, there are no solutions to any of this, is there. there is no pathway out. 5 weeks or so out and i seem to get stronger, even if i don't realize it. just got to keep moving gently forward, keep NC, and allow my wreck of my emotions and mental state to come and go. be the best dad in the world. i honestly think that without NC, if i was still enmeshed in her poison, i would be in a mental hospital by now, such is her monster like self at the moment.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8417615
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 12:43 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

The most important thing anyone can do in these early wks is keep moving. If you need a moment, an hour, a day to freak out, so be it, but get back on the horse and continue. Life acts as its own distraction from itself. The unfortunate part is we just have to wait out our brain chemicals, which thank christ do eventually harmonize. They make you think stuff like, "I still kind of love them even though they betrayed me and treat ne like dogshit", because they left you and youve got to emotionally catch up to the new status quo. Thats not a feeling I miss. I also dont miss feeling sorry for her brokenness.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8417640
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 5:25 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

first two weeks i was literally thinking about it all the time. from teh moment i woke up until the moment i went to bed. Even when i was boarding a bus or ordering a coffee, it would be there face hugging me whilst i was doing it.

now, i have gaps. might be an hour, half an hour, etc, but it vanishes and i feel like the old me. no pain, just the old me back for that period of time. but it comes back, normally in gaps - waiting for a bus, going for a vape, walking anywhere to A to B.

it's all been fascinating on a psychological level. it was kinda like full blown OCD when it first hit. now its morphed into something a lot more managable. what a strange thing all this is to go through for anyone.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8417804
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

I felt the same way: "what the fuck is wrong with me, why have I zero control over my thoughts right now". It's a weird pill for people who aren't usually highly emotional and don't fixate on things. Trying to stop myself from fixating was harder than learning how to code.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8417810
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 6:01 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

Yeah the ruminating is a bitch... I've read here of a few people actually being treated for OCD in therapy to help them get past it.

The hardest part for me in the first few months was the mornings. I would wake up, and I would expect him to be next to me, then it took my mind a few seconds to readjust to the new normal and go nope, that's not your reality anymore.

It kind of felt like my brain had a computer glitch.

I can't remember at what point that went away, but it was definitely a couple of months of that.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8417828
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

I can remember about day four after dday I suddenly thought about my soccer team. I thought about them for about five seconds.

My next thought was "Jesus Christ, I've actually finally thought of something else", it was that bad. Proper washing machine, round and round.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8417843
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 7:21 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

The thoughts going round and round are the worst thing. To start with it was completely relentless, but I do have gaps now. My ex’s new girlfriend is posting on Facebook about her new life. I’ve blocked her so I can’t see it, but there are mutual friends on there and it keeps getting back to me 😞 it sort of reignites the obsessive thoughts all over again. It is probably time to bin social media for a while. I feel like she is being so hurtful and visible and that maybe she is trying to make me react in some way. I haven’t acknowledged her at all, but it’s very difficult

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8417859
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 7:22 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

I’m on holiday and I’m still plagued by this 😞

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8417861
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:58 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

....

[This message edited by puffstuff at 1:29 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8417974
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 10:58 PM on Friday, August 9th, 2019

Social media. I've binned it all. I was getting panic each time I went on.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8417975
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 8:24 PM on Saturday, August 10th, 2019

Never trust social media. I look at all those "happy family" photos and all I can think is "cheater...cheater...silently unhappy...silently unhappy...". Once you know that at least half of them are facades, it really makes you wonder about the other half...

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8418275
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 3:29 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

Social media binned 👍

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8418919
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tapered ( member #50970) posted at 6:26 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

I was just wondering, for the BS whose WS has left you for the AP, how is your WS and AP relationship faring? Statistics states, those types of relationships don’t do well?

posts: 120   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2015
id 8419038
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 6:57 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

Wish I knew, tapered.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8419054
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Okokok ( member #56594) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

I was just wondering, for the BS whose WS has left you for the AP, how is your WS and AP relationship faring? Statistics states, those types of relationships don’t do well?

XWW and OM broke all agreed-upon boundaries (of course) on the day of separation over two years ago. Within about a month OM was openly around my kids, and within something like 3-5 months he was completely moved into XWW's house (so, 100% of the time that my kids were there, he was there, too).

Less than a year after that, he ended things with XWW and moved out. This was *incredibly* difficult for my kids, especially my oldest. My XWW appeared blindsided, despite their vast age difference and the incredible stupidity of the whole situation (too crazy to get into here), and again, she crossed many normal human boundaries when processing and communicating about the end of that relationship with my kids (and really, me).

I will say that through the entirety of their relationship from my separation to him actually leaving was so bizarre that it's hard to put into words. I'd call it one of the least healthy relationships I've ever been witness to. Sure, they were "together," but it felt like a weird facade, awkward in social situations, and just plane not normal.

The end of their relationship made it possible for me to have rational, "normal" conversations with XWW, though she still exhibits all original wayward behaviors (lying, hiding things, etc.). MUCH better now.

Hope that gives some insight.

Oh, yeah -- they still work together!

Erstwhile BH and BBF. Always healing.

Divorced dad with little kids.

posts: 1265   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2016   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8419064
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

My situation is still quite new (4 months) my ex left immediately after dday moved in with his affair partner. Finished the relationship with her after a week. Moved in with a relative and then got back together with his affair partner. They are dating,blatantly and apparently happily. It remains to be seen if their relationship will flourish. She has totally stepped in, but so far hasn’t met my children. I’m interested to hear other people’s experiences. AG I’m not sure if it’s worse to have too much knowledge about what our ex’s are doing or none at all 🤷‍♀️😞

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8419100
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 10:08 PM on Monday, August 12th, 2019

Ignorance is bliss--that statement has always proven to be true for me.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8419158
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