Well more time has passed and everything is settling into a pattern. I am spending time with the kids four times a week which is the most important thing to me.
So after the discard, she still remains bright and cheery, with absolutely no sign at all of remorse, of insight. Still she flaunts her new relationship as if it is entirely normal and justifiable. I think though behind closed doors she must be waking up to the fact that she has just lost everything apart from the house and kids. The best advice I have received is removing myself as quickly as possible from her sick love triangle. The sick fat fuck that she is with is welcome to her.
My mind at times races towards the future, plans, excitement. Urge in me to date, to have one night stands, etc, but an urge well kept under control. Not healthy. I really do need to take time to heal.
And so then to the dissonance, the two sides of me. The first is the one above, the one who just wants to move on, the other is the ache and pain of losing so much, fighting feelings of still loving her deeply at times (strange how it comes and goes, other times I hate her) and seeing no future with her, mourning the loss of time spent with kids (hurting the most at the moment), terrified that I am 2 years of 40 and my life has been reset to a 21 year old.
So I have spent lots of time reading about narcissism and yeah, she ticks many of the boxes in general. She ticks ALL the boxes since Dday. And on one hand this makes me clear-seeing and glad to be rid, but on the other hand it makes me feel sorry for her, it makes me see her for what she is, deeply broken, empty, which doesn’t make me feel good. I guess I still care about her. There is a lot of unsubstantied junk out there on narcissism from what I can gather. The only book I have come across with will data and evidence is this one.
How To Spot A Narcissist, by Dr Calvin.
The guy is a leading expert on narcissism and bases nearly all his arguments on research.
I am slowly starting to realise that ALL of our happiness – mine, POSOM, hers and the kids – is dependant largely on each other. If we can somehow scrape through this and ALL wind up happy, then we will all be happy. Moving forward, if the misery continues, i.e. she has a nervous breakdown because she realises her POSOM is just an abusive womaniser, then how can that benefit the rest of us? That’s why I don’t get these salivating youtube videos about “revenge on the narcissist”, I don’t want revenge. I want the sad sack to be happy which will make my life easier. I am truly getting those who have been through this who say the best outcome is that they stay with the OP, meaning I guess they are well and truly off their hands. I don’t want revenge, I just want to be able to face the future without terrifying anxiety. I want peace of mind more than I want my marriage back. I would say there is about 20% of me now who would have her back.
I stay nocontact and grey rock, except kids and finances. I haven’t received a even mild “hoover” let alone remorse. So I plough on, detaching, moments and hours of aching sadness, but moments and hours of great hope and excitement.
I notice that if I book 6 months in advance I can get really cheap flights to the states. I have barely enough money to live on but I have a goal to book those cheap flights and do a road trip across American for a few weeks, particularly the southern states. A long dream of mine having loved American literature and bob Dylan since a kid. Who knows. There again the dissonance when I wrote this – on one hand excited and thrilled at the idea, and then I remember that I would likely be doing it alone, without her. Crazy that I still long for her at times, despite what the evil bitch has put me through.
Hope you’re all doing well. I haven’t read through the recent responses, but will do.