WasSheWorthIt ( member #69354) posted at 11:55 AM on Monday, August 5th, 2019
Have you seen a doctor about getting a little help with sleeping. I'm on anti depressants/anxiety meds. It's only a small dosage but it helps. I'm lucky that I don't get bothered with bad dreams at night. I don't know if it's the meds that help with that or not. It's the not so nice day dreams that got to me in the beginning of this but I've learned to control them a bit now. Just know and trust that things will improve for you. The side effects of this all is shit for us but we will get through it all. X
[This message edited by WasSheWorthIt at 5:57 AM, August 5th (Monday)]
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 9:59 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2019
Thank you wassheworthit. I’ve been to the doctors and been prescribed a low dose antidepressant and I’m hoping this will help me cope with things a bit better and maybe help with my sleeping too. I also have horrible daydreams where my mind sort of takes me off to places I don’t want to go. I’ve been trying to be aware and stop myself when it happens. What have you found that helps with this? I am just trying to distract myself. X
[This message edited by Bookgirl at 4:00 PM, August 5th (Monday)]
WasSheWorthIt ( member #69354) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, August 5th, 2019
It's hard when your mind starts wandering and taking you places you don't want to be in. You need to try and find something that works for you.
If I'm sitting staring into space when it starts I just get up and do something. It may be washing dishes or tidying up. Boring stuff I know but it gets me moving. If I'm out with the dog and it starts I throw sticks for her or chase her about so that I'd get distracted. The hardest time for me was just before bed time. My friends and some family got used to me phoning them about 10 at night for an hour or so.
I've also found a new appreciation for YouTube. At night I still go on it a lot and watch comedy clips. I listened to music at first but found out quickly that that is a bad idea. Giving you a wee heads up there .
I used to read a lot but haven't picked up a book since he left. I don't have the concentration for that yet but hopefully it will come back one day soon.
I'm sorry I can't be more helpful to you, I'm still trying to navigate it all myself but just know that for every day that passes you are one day closer to not caring what he does or who he does it with. You'll just be glad that him and his disrespectful cheating ways are someone else's problem and not yours.
HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
Bookgirl, I had those pesky daydreams too!
Something that I found was really helpful was Sudoku. There are apps you can download for your phone, but I honestly found that doing them in pencil in an actual book was more helpful.
It forces you to focus your mind on the task at hand. When I first started doing it, I would find my mind wandering and I would drift off, but every time it happened I would choose to refocus. If you're truly trying to solve one of the puzzles, you really can't focus on anything else.
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction
Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.
Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 7:29 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
Thank you x I will try these things. I have been listening to music, but I can only listen to new music and albums that don’t have any connection to my shared life. I’m finding it fairly liberating to have things that belong to me as a new individual. But as suggested by wassheworthit it can be tricky when lyrics are poignant or relevant. As implied by my name on here I always been an avid reader and this is important for my job. Since this happened I have found it really difficult to concentrate enough to read 😞 I’m hoping this is a temporary thing. I will try puzzles though and walking. It’s horribly reassuring to know these annoying thoughts are part of the process when someone leaves after an affair. I suspect it’s my mind trying to make sense of the shock and disbelief. X
[This message edited by Bookgirl at 1:33 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
WasSheWorthIt ( member #69354) posted at 9:27 AM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
Your last sentence is so right.
Our body and minds are in shock. The trauma of all this is immense. The weight loss we all get is through shock and not just lack of appetite. I lost 42lbs in a month. I The only blessing in all this .
I started drinking protein shakes as I couldn't afford to lose any more.
We lose concentration and our energy levels drop too. I had to force myself to do the most mundane things in the first few months. It's horrible. BUT.. Things do get better,self preservation kicks in and we slowly but surely pick ourselves back up. Time and distance really do work. Having as little contact with the ex as possible is the best thing you can do for you. Hang in there and know that it does get better and if you find yourself having a bad day just accept it for what it is and have faith that the next day won't be as bad. x
[This message edited by WasSheWorthIt at 12:35 PM, June 30th (Tuesday)]
DayByDay99 ( member #50142) posted at 12:13 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
Funny story. Ex-snake in the grass and I went to an amusement park just one month prior to DDay. The whole time she acted as if we were the bestest soulmates, when she was absolutely in the midst of the affair in some capacity. Never fails to amaze me how these shitheads are able to compartmentalize and actively deceive so effectively and remorselessly all the while continuing to build on their life with you despite resenting you or outright hating your guts.
Interesting thread. I too lived with a snake in the grass for years. Married for 18 years and three sons, she decided sometime around year ten (I believe) that being married and being a Mom was not an exciting enough life for her. Looking back over the entire marriage, she always wanted lots of time away just for her on the weekends. Whether it was running, cycling or entire days out with other women (so she says), I would work all week only to be abandoned with the boys for large chunks of many weekends. It should be noted that after any physical activity there were always trips somewhere for drinks and partying. Looking back, it seems many times the activity was something she did to use as an excuse to get out later with the same crowd to drink. Shrug.
Early on she hung out with married wives of friends but those relationships did not seem to last. Looking back it seems her desire to be away from family was much stronger than the married women with kids she was hanging around with. Things took a turn around year 12 of the marriage when she started surrounding herself with a group of mostly divorced women who had tons of time on their hands. This turned to planning week long cycling events and lots of happy hours while I was more or less left to care for our young sons at home.
I did try to break through. Tried to get sitters and do things together but honestly it was never ever enough. Her desire to be free of the shackles of marriage and really motherhood was just too strong. Don't get me wrong. She loved working part time (or not at all) while I busted my butt to provide a nice home, comfortable life and a stable parent for our kids. Looking back, she would be MIA for long stretches and then want to do an expensive family vacation or some big activity. It was almost like she would remember "Oh yeah, I'm married with kids so I better do some family things as it's been a while." Of course these family activities would then be posted all over social media for the world to comment on.
I've come to terms with the snake in the grass I was married to. Man was it hard breaking free but I am so much better off now that I am out. After I called her out on DDay and quickly figured out she was not going to invest in us or give up the dream of her married man, I was done. Divorce was started and honestly went smoothly as far as divorces go. She moved into an apartment and continued her pursuit of the POS MM. I kept quiet while keeping the house as part of a quick divorce. She came back a couple of times with an offer to remain married while we each did our own thing. Hell to the no! While custody was 50/50, the kids hated her dumpy apartment and never really spent time there. After the papers were signed, I got in touch with OBS and POS MM's world up. Of course he dumped exWW and started crawling back to his wife. Not sure how they ended up.
I worked on myself and continue to do so. The job is good and I've gotten myself in pretty good shape. I'm slowly rebuilding social circles while enjoying my sons daily. For 2-3 years after the divorce, she would put out feelers about us getting back together. I just ignored every one of them. She would then complain about how life was hard and she was living the lifestyle she was accustomed to. You don't say?
I don't wish her ill but I just don't care. The things I found and read showed just how empty and nasty of a human being she really is. She never grew up and only cares about one person in life - herself. Entitlement to the extreme.
Good luck to everyone who has the walk away wife or husband. Please always remember it was not you. We all had the bad luck to marry disordered people.
“I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.”
– Dr. Seuss
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 1:09 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
It's always jarring to me when mothers abandon their children. This is one of the strongest bonds on the planet, one which transcends species. My exwife's mother was one of these child-abandoners as she tells it. I never really talk about my ex's "FOO issues" or that concept in general because I don't think it excuses people's behavior, although it might explain it.
But the way ex-shithead tells it, her mother was a serial cheater. She banged some teaching assistant from the elementary school or whatever. Not sure if her dad knew about this affair, but mom ended up moving onto a new AP and ended up leaving dad for him. Mom didn't want anything to do with the kids, but she wanted to take the house. This whole thing ruined dad. Ex-fuckface says he would spend hours in his room crying, left to take care of 3 kids on his own. You can tell just how badly it messed with him by evaluating the woman he ended up dating, and then marrying, next. Anyway, I guess eventually her mom reintegrated herself back into her kids' lives. She also married AP and had a 4th child with him. He ended up dying a few years ago of cancer, after which mom started to reflect on her shitty life choices and feeling at least regret if not remorse. "Maybe I shouldn't have left your dad," she'd tell the ex.
I never suspected that ex-whore would turn out like her mom so much because she seemed to be influenced by and acted like her dad. Alas, turns out she inherited both her parents' shittiest behaviors: her dad's surreptitious maneuverings (this guy would hide all sorts of things from Wife #2) and her mom's narcissistic entitlement. It really bothered me in the first few weeks following DDay how ex-dipshit could see her mom destroy her family so coldly and effectively yet perpetrate the same thing on me. Of course, I realize now that the "love" she has for her dad is probably a lot more shallow than what I originally imagined, likely predicated on the money and gifts he constantly gives to her, this woman who makes double what he does and takes everything she's given for granted.
FOO stuff just kind of baffles me because I really haven't repeated any of my parents' biggest mistakes. I've consciously made an effort to avoid them--and of course in doing so made MY OWN mistakes, plenty of them. We're supposed to learn life lessons from our parents, and that includes learning from their failures. Just weird to me how someone who hated what her mom did could do the exact same thing, although again, I think ex-fuckhead is operating with a whole different set of morals and values than I gave her credit for.
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
this no contact shit is great. I am gaining real clarity, like people said I would. I am now the FENCE SITTER - totally unsure that i would even want her back even if she came crawling (unlikely).
And also the NC is having a powerful effect on her, I think. I try not to read anything into it, but her whole demeanor is changing day by day, to a more miserable, deflated, conflicted self. Admittedly I only glean this from our brief kid drop off/collections. But the heardy, steely, "no one is the boss of me" bitch attitude that immediately followed DDay has all but gone. Yesterday she even seemed like her old self. something wihtin her is changing. maybe she is seeing her future mapped out with a fat alcoholic illiterate homewrecker is not so alluring now that the honeymoon period for them is likely ending.
I have had even periods of genuine serenity and peace, knowing that its ME who is in the win/win situation of being content with either divorce or reconciliation. Going no contact I have detached a little, and with that I am finding my feet, I am no longer mentally and emotionally grasping at her ankles.
There has been opportunities that I have taken where I have in as many words said to her: "go to him, if he makes you happy, he's all yours". Since the message that I am filing, I am not going to fight over her, that I am finding my feet as a young, single, good looking (!) man in one of the greatest cities in the world - since she has started to SEE and sense that, and that all she has left is him, that she has forsaken it all for him, then yeah the power dynamic has certainly changed. I recommend all to go no contact. Once I got my head round the win/win idea, my healing has become a lot easier. I even have whole hours where I dont think of it, lol!
But yeah, still moments of absolute devastation when i think of the memories of good times, when i spend time with my kids and can just tell the dynamic has changed, when i wake up in the night with a head full of dreams of her.
but that grueling, body shattering trauma that i had for the first few weeks has been healed.
read up on "narcissistic discard" - this has helped me join up many dots.
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
No contact should be prescribed to all BSes regardless of circumstances. The longer you stay in touch, or live with, the cheater, the longer you remain all scrambled up.
puff, wait untip you get to the point where you KNOW you dont ever, ever want her back, especially if shes a narc. Its a good milestone. The pain doesnt go away, but not having to miss some cheating who-cares-who, even one bit, even the Good Times (TM),is a load off.
Narc discards are quite the fun thing. I wonder hoe many of us will be hoovered.
[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 11:41 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 8:28 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
AG, did yours show any remorse, at all?
That's what's fucking me up at the moment, the glibness, the sense that beneath it all there is no depth of feeling for me. No matter how bad the marriage, although it really was good to okay, how can you not been a wreck with guilt and shame? She saw me pretty much break down infront of her that first week. A total wreck of a man. Perhaps she does but is too sick to show it in case of losing face.
I have since read about how a narcisist "cannot be shamed". The dots joined up, looking back over our ten years, and I shivered.
[This message edited by puffstuff at 2:31 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 11:33 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019
My ex was initially angry for getting caught, then after a few days she became a mixture of coldly patronizing and, in retrospect, a kind of detached person who obviously wanted me to just fuck off already. After she figured out I was coming for as much of my 50% of the assets as I could get, she turned into an even colder bitch.
But yeah, completely remorseless the entire time. Not even a second thought to speak of. No indication that she wanted anything more than to ditch my ass ASAP and shack up with the new guy. What made it all that much worse was how UTTERLY CONVINCING she was, every single day leading up to discovery, while pretending that she still loved me just as much as ever. There were certainly some moments where in hindsight I realize some cracks were showing, but nothing big at all. She was as good at deceiving me as she was entitled to do so.
It took me months of reading up on narcissists to realize what she was. Then all her behavior across 12 years made a kind of sense that it never did before. I understood why she was the way she was. All of the inconsistencies clicked into place when viewed through that lens.
[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 5:34 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 3:28 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
I just bumped in to a mutual friend and he told me that my ex has told him that our relationship was never the right one. That’s really hurtful and it’s making me really want to break my no contact. If my kids heard this they would be so upset.
WasSheWorthIt ( member #69354) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
Being a poor wee victim 'trapped' in the wrong relationship who tried soooo hard to do the right thing sounds sooooo much better that being a cheating bastard who trashed his marriage and abandoned his wife and kids for OW. Stay NC coz he won't care what you have to say and you will kick yourself later. X
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 5:59 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
I haven’t contacted him. I don’t know why I’m still struggling to come to terms with this horrible cold uncaring attitude he now has. It’s the right thing not to actually see him at all. He is taking his new girlfriend (ap) out socially now as if it’s perfectly normal. I really hope I get to the point where I just feel sorry for them both because I’m leading a happy life away from him with my children. I never really understood the depth of pain and vulnerability that infidelity causes 😞 it’s relentless. I’m so bored of it now. I would never have him back.
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
Nail on the head wasSheworthit 👍😘
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 6:24 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
I thought a few times over the past year what the bitch probably said about me to explain to people why we suddenly never saw each other again, and considering whar kinds of lies shes proffering only angers me. Not fun to think about. We cant control their little bullshit narratives so best to just correct the record where we can and ignore the rest.
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 8:53 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
Thanks AG I think you’re right. I will ignore it.
Rustylife ( member #65917) posted at 9:07 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
I had the satisfaction of knowing full details about my ex's affair. Automatic sync is an amazing feature. If anyone here is thinking of having an affair, first thing you should do is turn that off.
She had the shame to keep her head down like a meek kid when I confronted her. Honestly, I totally embarrassed myself by cussing her out for an hour straight in a public place. "You selfish fucking bitch" was repeated atleast 20 times. These people really live in a fantasy world. Later I from her that me raising my voice that day solidified her decision to divorce.
We'll all be better without these folks. Not like she was ever there for me in need. It was just me thinking that she had my back or that she loved me like I loved her. Much better to be alone than to live a lie.
Me:BH,28 on Dday
Her:XWW,27 on Dday
Dday: Dec 2016, Separated in Nov'16
Together 8 years, Married for 3
8 month EA/PA with COW at Dday
No remorse, Unapologetic. Divorced her.
puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 9:15 PM on Wednesday, August 7th, 2019
Bookgirl. They can never be truly happy. Think about it, their whole relationship is built on deception of others. So every time he is cold or withdrawn, she will think he's turning wayward. It'll always be there lurking in the background. How can it not be. Whereas one day after finding your own happiness you will meet someone and your relationship will be built on honesty and stability. No matter how happy they seem, remember all that baggage lurking in the background.