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I Can Relate :
When A WS Leaves For Their OP Part 2

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cantaccept ( member #37451) posted at 1:37 PM on Friday, July 26th, 2019

Lately I have been reading here a little. I suppose that I belonged here when I joined way back when but somehow missed it.

I feel all of your pain so acutely. I was there. My hope is to share my perspective and maybe it will give a bit of hope to some that this does get better. I will state that this is so hard. Having the person that you loved and you believed loved you just walk out the door is devastating. The pain and subsequent self doubt, questioning, self blame is pure hell. The betrayal is devastating and then the immediate discard...just incomprehensible.

So, I am now 5 years from divorce and 7 years from dday #1.

dday #1 I discovered cheating with a woman he was working for. He is a "contractor". In reality he hacks through home improvement jobs by searching for how to videos on youtube but I digress. He knew her for 3 months. On dday, I confronted and he walked out within the hour. I was crushed, confused, in such pain, I screamed until I lost my voice, had night terrors when I could sleep, lost 30 pounds in 30 days, projectile vomiting, I was a mess. This was the man that promised to love me "forever and a day". In reality it was always abusive. He was Jekyll and Hyde. I just chose to believe that Jekyll was the real deal and Hyde was the aberration. It shocks me now to look back at what I lived with.

3 months later, he was sniffing around, so softly, so gently. Unfortunately I had become so isolated during the marriage that I had no support system. None. I used to have the thought of just being peripheral to everyone else, I did not matter to anyone, I felt as if I died that no one would even notice for weeks.

I let him back. I forgive myself now but that was probably the most destructive thing I could have done to myself. I didn't know at the time but he had gone through thousands of dollars and was broke. He had a 401k that he cashed out while he was gone. He spent it all. I lived in hell with him for almost a year. He became arrogant, angry and eventually physically violent. It seems that once he devalued me I became even less to him.

dday #2, 5 days before Christmas. Instant replay, another woman that he was working for. I confronted and he was out the door.

There is a whole lot more. He was extremely cruel, vicious texts followed by drunken so sorry texts, you are my true love texts followed by you are a whore, not a real person texts. Pure crazy.

I divorced him. He lied on his financials. I had to go to court to get the $300/month that he was ordered to pay. The financial mess he left me was awful. I have just begun to climb out. I had to do a short sale of my house, file for bankruptcy. I am starting all over at 59. It still stuns me that someone that claims to love you and be your partner for life can walk out with no concern about how you will survive. That quick shift from partner to not caring if you end up on the street. That was probably the part that took the longest to let go of. He just did not care what happened to me.

It took me about a year after the divorce to finally completely block him. I changed my phone number, changed my email, changed my car and moved! I finally feel safe from him. He has been through multiple girlfriends, one even contacted me to ask if he is a sociopath.

My life now is getting better. It was hard. It took me so long to recover. I spent lots of time reading about abuse with lots of ahaaa! moments. I began rekindling friendships. That was tough too. Some people were not very understanding, my sister was the worst. Some were amazing. My best, lifelong friend was my life line. He would text me every single morning just to say hi and have a good day. Such a simple act but it helped to remind me that I was not so alone.

We started playing music together, going to open mics and even had a couple of gigs. I started to connect with new people, that helped me to gain some confidence in myself again.

Then I started dating, mostly once and done. It was terrifying but it also helped me to gain confidence. Eventually I did meet someone. Almost 3 years and we are living together. It is easier and harder all at the same time.

I trust him and that shocks me. He is consistently the same every day! I do find that I have this internal anxiety still, not sure if it will ever pass. I do recognize it though and can calm myself by understanding it is just coming from the abuse of the past and it has nothing to do with the present. When my SO says something or does something that triggers me, I speak to him about it. It isn't easy, I feel like I am jumping off a cliff, it may take me a couple of days to actually speak but I do. So far, it has gone well. Notice that I said "so far", there is still this part of me that just cannot feel safe completely. I just look at like a little glitch in my operating system. Just have to know it is there and work around it.

My whole point of this is to show that life does go on. I don't know if the effects of this treatment will ever pass completely. I do know that I am grateful to not be with someone that could treat me so poorly. I have a good life now. There are still some rough spots. My best friend is now in the final stages of brain cancer. I will be forever grateful that we had that amazing time together. From him, I have learned what a friend truly is, what love is, not romantic love but committed caring.

My heart aches when I read here. I remember that intense pain and wish that I could help you. The only thing I can offer is my story.

For now, just stay strong in the truth. People capable of treating you like this, not valuing you as a person but as an appliance, easily replaced and discarded...they are not worthy of you! You are worth so very much more. This type of behavior, it is just not normal. This is indicative of someone with an empty soul. You have lost nothing in them. It is hard to come to terms with the loss of time, the loss of dreams, the loss of your reality, very hard. At some point though you will get to acceptance. You have to grieve and that takes time.

You will get better. The pain will subside. You will feel whole again. Sending much love to all of you suffering through this.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

posts: 3505   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2012   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8411053
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 11:20 AM on Sunday, July 28th, 2019

Thank you cantaccept. It’s good to hear from somebody who is further on in this process. Your post has helped me. In fact everything that is discussed here seems to help. Puffstuff, you seem to be doing a little bit better and your perspective seems to have changed from your earlier posts, which is positive.i was doing well with no contact, but had a message from my ex about him moving his stuff out of the house. It floored me all over again 😞 he seems to be taking up hobbies and energising himself for his new girlfriend. I would have loved him to do this when we were together. He seems to be totally unaffected by the devastating consequences of his affair and the way he chose to leave. I feel like I am doing a bit better and I’m not thinking about it ALL the time. I am really struggling with the mind films and also recently I’ve started having vivid dreams 🙄 thanks again to everybody on here and I’m sending support to you all x

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8411817
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

Dealing with a discard really is a weird rollercoaster. On paper, my life's mostly fine, but inside I'm all fucked up and for months now have been pretty nihilistic about my future. Luckily I'm back to "normal", meaning like most men are taught to do at an early age, I can suppress a lot of this shit and continue being a productive, regular-old-fucked-up member of society. Strangely, I'm starting to miss the "good times" a little bit. Not too much, and I do still know that they're all bullshit anyway since I don't know what was real and what was a narcissist bitch's smokescreen to get her immediate needs met, but I want those moments again, me and someone who loves me sharing time, sex, experiences, life. Even if it was ALL fake, those moments were real to me, and I valued them greatly at the time. I want that again but only about 10% of me wants to even attempt dating right now. I don't miss that rotten skank, though, thank Christ.

Also as someone who rarely cries and who only had one solid eruption throughout the entire separation process (and maybe less than five tear-ups sprinkled here and there within the first 6 months), I find myself tearing up over particular emotional scenes in movies, usually involving romance or abandonment. I still can't watch the music video for LCD Soundsystem's "Oh Baby" without tearing up, it's kind of uncanny how consistently triggering that one is for me. I'm definitely dipping in and out of a kind of depression it seems.

It's just annoying because I thought I was out of the woods, but it's almost like I'm only finding an open meadow every now and then and after some time it's right back into the dark thicket of bullshit. And now, 11 months later, I STILL can't believe that fuckface was able to discard me so easily without looking back even once. 12 years meant nothing to her. I was just window dressing in The Story of Her, easily replaced when she had no more use for me. The fact that I know in my heart of hearts that she'll never reach out, not once, burns me up. It's definitely for the best, but I think most people in this situation understand that feeling pretty well.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8412072
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 8:17 AM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

Abandonedguy, I totally get the feeling of them not ever reaching out. My wife, looking back, is rarely wrong about anything, in her own mind. She has a wall of pride, meaning it was always me who was apologizing, making good, and getting us back on track. Looking back, she doesn't have a humble bone in her body. Always the isolater, always the one who would shut down with silence.

So i know, no matter how it bad it gets with her fat womanising fuck, she doesn't have it in her to hold her hands up and say "i've fucked up really bad". not even when she has two kids whose father is suddenly not living there any more.

Twu wuv. how sad you cause so much loss and pain, probably affecting the children for life, all because you found something as pathetic and fleeting as twu wuv. Not only is she probably a narcissist, she's pathetic on any measure. Throughout our marriage, I could have found twu wuv anywhere i perused, i work surrounded by pretty and engaging girls FFS, but I was always aware of not taking things over lines.

Yesterday was brutal. The night before she carefully and deliberately explained to me that she "was struggling to get a babysitter for the evening" which means only one thing - they wanted a night out together, which is hard for them both as she has the kids. Why even mention the baby sitter to me, when our entire pattern of interaction is based on kids and finances?why mention that out of the blue. well, to stick the knife in, maybe i have been looking to content and at peace, so she thought she'd remedy that. Because she is angry at me for the way her life is panning out. She still thinks, I am sure, that i somehow deserved all of this.

no contact is the only thing I have left to keep me through. Remember abandoned guy, if you were to make contact with your X, the above is probably the sort of painful shit you would have to wade through.try to picture the opposite of "out of sight, out of mind".

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

Update - just need to vent.

So barely a month since DDay and there's pictures of them grinning away together on facebook.

She witnessed my mental and emotional destruction that week after Dday, but still she rubs my face in it.

In a way it's good because it stops me smoking the hopium pipe and i am moving swiftly into the anger stage instead of the barganning stage.

There's something quite helpful actually in your own wife that you love slowly revealling true self.

one day i will probably thank him. i hope so.

#pain tho.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412181
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LostandFound75 ( new member #63013) posted at 2:25 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

PuffStuff...for someone that is almost 3 years into being forced to join the shi*ttest club ever, dont go pain shopping. I know, you are early on and you need to go at your own pace but it isn't worth it...plus who cares if they are happy on Facebook....everyone knows you don't post anything on Facebook unless it makes your life look better then everyone else's...( full disclosure, I still go pain shopping a couple times a year😒

That isn't your wife, hasn't been for several months probably. Your wife as you know her is dead. She looks like your wife, sounds like your wife but some sort of alien took over her body and "it" can give two sh*ts about you at all.

One month in, I was still crying and had 5 more months of her leading me along while she secretly was having an affair with a coworker. After 17 years I believed everything she fed me like an idiot....but at this point I've mostly forgiven myself. "They" say it usually takes 3-5 years to get over this type of betrayal.

My exww just moved in with her affair partner a week ago. My son just gained a step dad and a large extended family....and get this....for the past month I've been having vivid dreams(nightmares) about us being back together and me in each dream explaining to her about triggers, boundaries, the pain she caused etc etc.

That's what I'm dealing with after 3 years, but the first 6 months was the worst. The lies, deception, betrayal...there isn't anything I could relate it too. My Mother's death was easier cause we knew it was coming, but that type of rejection is life changing. Unfortunately you will never be the same, but as is life you learn through mistakes whether painful or not, your mistake, or someone else's.

They may seem happy, but everyone on Facebook looks happy. Let them rot together, let their mutual crappy choices slowly make them as miserable as they deserve to be. By percentage, their doomed but that can take awhile.

Block on Facebook, sh*t erase your account and fill that void with something you enjoy and time will take care of the rest. IC is a very important aspect in recovery at the beginning if your able to get someone who is well trained.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 2:38 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

thank you lost, really helpful message. i have blocked them.

what's left? just me. i have lost everything. i see the kids 4 times a week but my relationship with them has changed. i've lost everything because she found twu luv.

i need to focus this anger on getting out of infidelity.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412229
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LostandFound75 ( new member #63013) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

You don't ever get out of infidelity, it follows you around forever. Go with the flow, be angry if needed, cry if you need, but always be the rock for the kids.

They may seem happy, but that shame and guilt has already started eating her from the inside. Everytime she feels down, she'll remember. Everytime life throws her a curve ball, she'll remember. It will haunt her, her whole life and you will heal, never forget, but will heal while it eats away at her forever.

Time...and healthy choices is what is needed here.

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8412245
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 3:34 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

I have thought that through a lot, lost, the sense of them being haunted.

She told me and I crumbled, over a period of a week. Literally a broken man. she saw that i could not eat, could not sleep, was pacing the garden like a mad man. she saw the state of me.

she has to live with that. she has to have those images of causing damage, REAL damage to a person.

I can't imagine what that must be like. I guess it must be similar to knowing you've raped someone, or something. that deep down you are abuser of people who love you.

so yeah, i dont have to live with any of that. i can look at myself in the mirror.

i can't wait for the divorce to come through. i am actually quite excited about starting my life from scratch.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412261
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 3:42 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

also, if they both have a track record of horrible deception and lying,

how can they possibly ever build a relationship togheter?

how can he not panic everytime she goes to the shop, they have an argument, or she's lost in her phone?

it's like they have to do their own sick reconciliation and build trust, lol!

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412263
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 3:49 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

"Feeling so down today. Can’t stop wishing none of this had happened and keep thinking over and over again about the cheating and the betrayal and basically feel really let down and lonely. I still can’t understand how somebody I trusted has done something so horrible and hurtful to me. I had no idea our relationship was at the point of no return for him and today I feel worthless and flat. Like I have no joy in me at all. I don’t know why it is something I just can’t shake. I’m trying so hard to appear okay for my kids, but it’s difficult because I feel so sad 😞"

bookgirl,

i get this.

my wife is revealing her "true self" and it is very disturbing. Forget the fog and all that shit, this is who they really are. On one hand that is tragic because we loved who we thought they were, but on the other hand they have shown us the biggest series of red flags ever, and we can move on and rebuild.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412267
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 5:40 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

If you got one of the cheater-abandoners who feels some kind of regret, you're a lucky one. I don't believe my ex feels even a little bit bad about things. Or if she does, she's using her Master Suppression Skills to paper over ill feelings and is choosing to focus on how her new life is "better". And it likely is. And my life is likely better without her in it. But these people for whom the ends justify the means, whatever the cost, are twisted individuals.

It annoys me when I hear people complain about their marriages now. "Well, everything's fine, I just don't feel that spark, ya know?" And half the people talking like this are either cheating or thinking about it, which they admit freely. I'd bet the farm that these people aren't pulling their own weight in the marriages and aren't communicating this unhappiness to their partners. What the hell do they expect? Do they think that WE don't also fall out of love with them at times? Do they think marriage is just a thing where they get to kick back and do fuck all while, in the great words of the rapper Xzibit, it's all chronic and palm trees out this motherfucker? Well it isn't. It's work for us, too. I chose, over and over again, to stay with that woman and work on building our life together and finding a shared happiness. I did everything I thought I needed to do at any given time to pursue that happiness for the two of us. And what did it get me? Discarded at the first sign of weakness. Blindsided by infidelity. Dissolution of my self esteem. Feelings of emptiness. My whole past with her has been gaslighted to hell. 12 years of my life mean nothing.

I'm being a cynical bastard, but for all of you fresh into this, it does indeed get better, much much better. I've seen tremendous progress in myself, progress which is mostly a result of sustained NC and distracting myself with work and rebuilding my new life. Sharing children with these ice cubes probably slows the healing process a bit since you *have to* see them again at some point, but it'll come in time. I'm only feeling the pain that I feel because I've let my own coping mechanisms slip here and there. But even these feelings are way better than what I felt in those first few months. There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you just have to keep putting in the work.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8412315
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

A month in and vaping like something industrial. Not healthy. Just can't stop sucking on the damn thing. Listening to alan watts like life depends on it. Need friends and good health. Onward. Had a mad five minutes contemplating a tattoo that says No Contact.

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412386
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 8:10 PM on Monday, July 29th, 2019

Oh man, I quit smoking last year then on DDay I developed a pack a day habit. Hours pacing my backyard on the phone with whoever would listen, outing butts in this little planter near the basement door. I quit again in Nov, then picked it back up in Jan while on a social work trip and now I'm at a third to half a pack a day habit. When it starts impeding my cardio, I gotta think about quitting again.

Tattoos in emotional states are risky, so make it count if you pull the trigger on one.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8412388
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 9:56 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

Although this thread is a low turn out, Chump Lady's community seems dominated by us abandoned folks. Its a great read a and very empowering. Loose a cheater, gain a life!

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8412958
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 11:11 AM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

Where can I find that Puffstuff?

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8413160
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Bookgirl ( member #70909) posted at 11:11 AM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

[This message edited by Bookgirl at 5:12 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: England
id 8413161
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AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 12:42 PM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

I found Chump Lady before SI and the attitude she espouses was what I needed to get through those early weeks. She actually only has one real article about The Abandoned. I wish there were a bunch more. Plus, it bothered me for a long time that rarely any other men post about their wife's abandonment, this bullshit mostly being done by men leaving their long time wife for some young new strange. But yeah, I also recommend givinf her backlog a good digging into.

EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy

posts: 1054   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018
id 8413173
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

When I say abandoned I mean in regards that site that divorce is touted as the solution rather than reconciliation. She really delves into the character (lack thereof) of cheaters and I often finish reading her seeing my ww in a much more unsympathetic light, which is probably far healthier.

Google Chump Lady bookgirl

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8413301
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puffstuff ( member #70814) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, July 31st, 2019

And in the comments there does seems a huge proportion of those whose partners have ended up with the AP

posts: 246   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2019
id 8413302
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