SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m curious, is she still trying to talk you out of the D or has she accepted that particular fate.

KingofNothing

I think you should tell them immediately. This situation isn't going to get any better by delaying things. Children aren't stupid, they have to know what's going on between mom and dad already.

It's going to be this weekend. That said, I agree with you - they aren't stupid.

leftbroken

I’m curious, is she still trying to talk you out of the D or has she accepted that particular fate.

I think she's accepted it. I'm not 100% though, she tried apologizing a few weeks ago - so I'm not entirely sure if that's where she was headed. It didn't work.

KoN

That would be GDW's Traveller series. Let me guess, you spent a day creating a character and he died in the first five minutes of combat, right?

5th edition is pretty fun. I've been playing that off and on as well-- but hey, I don't mean to digress.

That was it! Lost my 1st starship in the first day...Loved Traveller! Back then it was hard in Panama City, FL to find people to play. Gave all my 1st, 2nd & 3rd Ed D&D stuff to my son. We used minatures to play for combat...had hundreds. He was shocked when he saw all the ones I had painted...couple of grand in $$$ wrapped up in that shyte!

TLO,

It's going to be this weekend. That said, I agree with you - they aren't stupid

Yep, they already know...they're just waiting on you to confirm it. They figured out what was going on probably before you did, but didn't want to...make waves.

redwing6

Yep, they already know...they're just waiting on you to confirm it. They figured out what was going on probably before you did, but didn't want to...make waves.

I think this turned out to be true for my daughter. She said that she thought this is how it would go down since that one fight a month or so ago where I took them to the mall and said that divorce was an option or whatever I said that day.

In any event, the update is that we told them. It sucked but I feel a lot better that it's out there.

So we basically made the kids breakfast and then we went to a nearby park. We wanted to do that so that they wouldn't have any bad memories of places where they'd been. That was fine.

I started the conversation, said that we loved them and that we were splitting up. I talked about the custody arrangement and how everything would be. My STBXW, to her credit, backed me up and offered nothing but support to the kids. She didn't contradict me or anything. So that was a bit unexpected, but good.

They both took the news hard but my son took it worse I think. I have never seen tears like the ones in his eyes. They will be with me forever and it's something I won't forgive my STBXW for.

We actually kept the reasons vague. Just that things weren't working, essentially.

Afterwards I fielded a lot of questions about their new living arrangements. My son was a bit despondent the rest of the day but he's better today. My daughter is looking at the bright side. It's kind of weird because she's been sleeping in the living room anyway instead of her room. She thinks she's going to like her new room because the bed is bigger and she's got a TV in there.

Today they've been both a bit better. My son asked some questions - logistics. I know he's still hurting, but he's better and I'm telling him that we both love him and all that. Things will be different but better.

That is always so hard. Sounds like you did the best that you could. It’s a real shame.

I don’t know how your wife can look at them and not realize how bad she fucked this all up. Makes me angry. Early on I had high hopes that she had it in her to do the things that were needed to rebuild what she had destroyed. That she had empathy.

But your writing the last few months shows that’s just not true.

Did she say anything, to them or to you, that even hinted at possible remorse for this awful situation she had created?

Sending you thoughts of strength.

I'm sorry that your kids had to experience that heartbreak. However, in the long run, I think they will lead a better life because you had the strength to exit an abusive situation.

Stevesn

That is always so hard. Sounds like you did the best that you could. It’s a real shame.

Yeah man, it was hard. It's still hard, but that part is over. Just dealing with logistics now. I still get flashes of my son's red eyes and his tears. My daughter told me she was expecting it so she was sort of resigned to it.

I don’t know how your wife can look at them and not realize how bad she fucked this all up. Makes me angry. Early on I had high hopes that she had it in her to do the things that were needed to rebuild what she had destroyed. That she had empathy.

It makes me angry too. I had some hopes early on too, but there's something fucked up about her. I think shit is going to hit her when I'm out and the kids have to deal with the lack of two parents. She hides in her room a lot so I'm wondering what their adjustment is going to be. They're typically around me a lot.

But your writing the last few months shows that’s just not true.

Did she say anything, to them or to you, that even hinted at possible remorse for this awful situation she had created?

She's apologized a few times but it always rings hollow to me. It's just more of her empty words. The problem is that I heard her words and then I saw her actions and her attempting to betray me by stringing me along and wasting my money on marriage counseling while planning to continue the affair with the OM. Her words mean nothing to me any more.

What will mean something to me is if she gets her head out of her ass and is there for the kids. No more of this threatening to stop mother's day because she 'has a sad' or whatever.

Sending you thoughts of strength.

Thanks!

Robert22205https

I'm sorry that your kids had to experience that heartbreak. However, in the long run, I think they will lead a better life because you had the strength to exit an abusive situation.

I am too. I agree with you. In the long run it is better because otherwise they would think this was 'normal', which is a scary thought. I'm already a bit scared of my STBXW talking to them about dating. I've told her that I'll handle that but who knows.

I've never commented but have been following your story. A 4/5 year affair where the husband is aware that something is going on from the start, it is moronic of her to expect that the marriage will survive without some herculean effort. That union was a joke. It's better that you're cutting your losses now and are doing it relatively swiftly.

It's a strain on the kids but being there for them, letting them vent or share their feelings, makes a lot of difference. Wishing you luck and recovery.

Rustylife

I've never commented but have been following your story.

Thanks! And what a wild ride it's been! :)

A 4/5 year affair where the husband is aware that something is going on from the start, it is moronic of her to expect that the marriage will survive without some herculean effort.

It doesn't really matter but I'm torn between a few things - either:

1. She wanted her cake and to eat it too - I'm the provider, raise the kids, etc AND she wanted to continue the affair. She was unwilling to accept anything else, thus my dissolving the marriage while she's 'paralyzed' is what's happening but not what she wanted.

2. She actually did want a divorce but didn't want to make any efforts to do so because she's afraid and 'not ready'.

3. She's legitimately unable to quit the affair but wanted to continue the marriage (this is what she tries to lead me to believe).

4. She expected me to do all the work, to repair the marriage. She'd make demands and would waffle on accepting them or not, at her leisure.

There might be other options, but these are the top four. I lean towards 2 and maybe 1. No way on Earth do I believe 3 is a true possibility. 4 is a possibility and it's truly dark, but it could be the case.

Ultimately I don't care. She went to Mars and came back different. I don't like this new person and I do resent being tethered to her by children. I will make the best out of that situation though. My children deserve that - but I'm not cutting her any slack, if she fucks up her life so completely that it interferes with the kids then I'm going to court.

That union was a joke. It's better that you're cutting your losses now and are doing it relatively swiftly.

Agreed. Although it doesn't feel swift. I can't imagine doing things on her timeline. She said something the other day about how she wished we could do this on her timeline, that she wasn't ready or something. I wasn't really listening. I told her it made no difference I'd be out of there soon. The fucking nerve that she has to say that kind of shit still.

It's a strain on the kids but being there for them, letting them vent or share their feelings, makes a lot of difference. Wishing you luck and recovery.

Agreed and I will be doing that. The kids are the hardest part right now.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 6:34 AM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

Good morning. Just wanted to check in to see how you and the kids are doing

Your WW is like a f*cking infant. I'm glad you are taking control of your life and moving forwards.

Newlifeisgreat

Good morning. Just wanted to check in to see how you and the kids are doing

Thanks man. I think they are better than I feel that they are. If that makes sense. Ever since I told them I've been down about it because I keep visualizing my son's eyes. I know they're hurting and I know when I'm actually out it'll hurt them too.

I think they will be fine. At least on my end. If my STBXW loses her shit then I have to protect them (which I will do), but that's going to really hurt them.

Westway

Your WW is like a f*cking infant. I'm glad you are taking control of your life and moving forwards.

She acts like an entitled pre-teen. It's like she's a pod person who just entered adolescence. It's a mind-fuck to deal with.

I view it as I have no choice - I have to move forward with my own life. The life she's promising is a life of misery. Who the fuck wants that?

I'm trying to figure out how to trust (other) people and move forward, romantically. I have time, I'm not stressed, so no worries.

We actually kept the reasons vague. Just that things weren't working, essentially.

Just curious.... why did you keep this major fact from all your kids? Why not given them the truth that “mom had a boyfriend and dad wasn’t ok with that” ?

The kids will love their mom no matter what but isn’t it a good life lesson for them that adultery destroys families?

Not a criticism tho. Much respect for how you’ve handled this shit show.

I agree with Gr8ful.

but I'm not cutting her any slack, if she fucks up her life so completely that it interferes with the kids then I'm going to court.

I think you're still cutting her a lot of slack by hiding her A to your children, this is a major life decision and I think they're owed the truth, a "mommy refuses to give up her boyfriend and his name is POSOM" should be enough, btw her planned "timeline" will probably include in the not so distant future, introducing POSOM to your children, relatives and mutual friends as someone she just met, if so, POSOM will have an easier path to become your children's stepfather, I don't know about you but I would "prefer" a different stepdad if possible, I would get along much better with someone other than the person who helped break my family, of course in your case your WW is guilty as charge in this department but it takes 2 to tango and POSOM was a willing accomplice.

I suggest you don't lie to your children to protect her secret, this will make them understand a lot better and not blame you for your decision, then again it's your choice. IMHO This is precisely why FULL EXPOSURE right after/on Dday is paramount, it typically KILLS the A, by not doing it and her not having to face the shame and embarrassment of her huge betrayal, it may have decreased your chances to R, then again I'm sorry it turned out this way but you really had no choice unless you had agreed to a onesided open M, good riddance, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar.

I for one think that you are making the right decision by keeping things vague for the kids. They are kids, they don't have the emotionnal maturity to understand that they don't have to take sides if you tell them that you are the one driving the divorce because of the horrific actions of your wife (and the side that they take can go either way).

When they are adults or older teens and they ask then why not, but right now, the best outcome of telling them would be that they don't care (and a lot of children even older frankly don't care that much about what parent did to the other if it's not blatant abuse), and the worst would be that they resent your wife for her affair and you for not forgiving it.

Seriously, a simple we are not working out but we still love you is the best.

[This message edited by romiane at 8:11 AM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

gr8ful

Just curious.... why did you keep this major fact from all your kids? Why not given them the truth that “mom had a boyfriend and dad wasn’t ok with that” ?

Because the therapists, the mediator, and the lawyer all recommended it, basically. I don't want to put them into the middle of this.

The kids will love their mom no matter what but isn’t it a good life lesson for them that adultery destroys families?

Not a criticism tho. Much respect for how you’ve handled this shit show.

I'm not planning on keeping it from them forever. I'm not entirely sure they will love their mom no matter what, to be honest. I've read a few experiences from people who's families were torn apart from infidelity and it has me a bit concerned. If I'm being truly honest I think she's going to continue to spiral and I might have to force full custody. That's a dark timeline though. Basically I think she's going to push them away as it is. I do not have a high opinion of her.

I'm thinking when they're a bit older it might be appropriate to tell them or if she tries to make me the bad guy or whatever.

Buster123

I think you're still cutting her a lot of slack by hiding her A to your children, this is a major life decision and I think they're owed the truth, a "mommy refuses to give up her boyfriend and his name is POSOM" should be enough, btw her planned "timeline" will probably include in the not so distant future, introducing POSOM to your children, relatives and mutual friends as someone she just met, if so, POSOM will have an easier path to become your children's stepfather, I don't know about you but I would "prefer" a different stepdad if possible, I would get along much better with someone other than the person who helped break my family, of course in your case your WW is guilty as charge in this department but it takes 2 to tango and POSOM was a willing accomplice.

I'm inadvertently cutting her slack. I'm not keeping this from them for her. If she does introduce the POSOM into the picture then I will let them know who he is. I don't plan on keeping this from them forever.

I suggest you don't lie to your children to protect her secret, this will make them understand a lot better and not blame you for your decision, then again it's your choice. IMHO This is precisely why FULL EXPOSURE right after/on Dday is paramount, it typically KILLS the A, by not doing it and her not having to face the shame and embarrassment of her huge betrayal, it may have decreased your chances to R, then again I'm sorry it turned out this way but you really had no choice unless you had agreed to a onesided open M, good riddance, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar.

Yes, this weighs on me heavily, actually.

romiane

I for one think that you are making the right decision by keeping things vague for the kids. They are kids, they don't have the emotionnal maturity to understand that they don't have to take sides if you tell them that you are the one driving the divorce because of the horrific actions of your wife (and the side that they take can go either way).

This is true and I don't want them in the middle at all.

When they are adults or older teens and they ask then why not, but right now, the best outcome of telling them would be that they don't care (and a lot of children even older frankly don't care that much about what parent did to the other if it's not blatant abuse), and the worst would be that they resent your wife for her affair and you for not forgiving it.

Seriously, a simple we are not working out but we still love you is the best.

This is where my head is; I think when they are older I will tell them. As it is they haven't really asked. My daughter pretty much knew this was coming. I don't think my son, who is 9, is going to have a difficult time processing this as it is. He had an inkling too a month or so back when I took them out to eat after my soon to be ex wife rage quit a conversation because even her Godmother thought it was a bad idea for her to get into contact (via email/FaceTime) with her sister-raping father.

I took them out and fed them and they were asking questions. I told them that we were probably getting a divorce. My daughter, I think, fully understood it. I don't think my son did. They heard some of the conversation but not all of it. It gets me a bit angry thinking about how stupid my STBXW is/was with regard to her father. Shit, with regard to a lot of stuff. She still thinks she's a special entitled snowflake and that what's happened with us is a unique occurrence.

I don't care anymore. I just want out and I want my kids to be safe and not to be put in the middle. If she forces my hand before I think they can understand it then I will tell them.

Just got done with the final meeting. Paperwork is basically done. We have to take it to a notary (UPS for the win) and then that's done. Then on Jan 2nd I turn that into a lawyer and they put it into the courts and we're divorced.

In the mean time I'm packing and moving out. I should be fully out of here by next Friday/Saturday (not this weekend).

So that will be good.

After the mediation today my STBXW sent a text saying that she was sorry for being a failure and that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I was calling the UPS store about notarization.

If she wants forgiveness she can go to Church.

After the mediation today my STBXW sent a text saying that she was sorry for being a failure and that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her that I was calling the UPS store about notarization.

Wise move not to respond or allow yourself to be pulled into a discussion of the past (a discussion you won't win).

Best to move on 100% - and focus totally on the future - leading your best life for yourself and your kids.

She's broken and will continue to attempt engage. Going forward remember to only discuss the kids/logistics.

Seriously, a simple we are not working out but we still love you is the best.

I disagree with this very much. This provides the wrong message about commitment in relationships. This will stick with children even if it is explained to them later. They get the idea that if you just get tired of someone, we outgrew each other, we're just not working out then you can simply end the relationship for any little reason.

They could be told that mommy hurt daddy so very badly that he can't live with her anymore. The hurt will last a long, long time. But that daddy loves you children very much and wants the very best for you but that can't include living with mommy.

I didn't look back, TheLostOne, to see how old your children are. The language might not be mature enough for them. Basically mommy has proven that she doesn't love daddy and caused him great harm.

ETA: I looked back and saw your children are 8 and 12. You'd be surprised what children at that age know and understand.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 12:00 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]