SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have some issues I have to work out now, thanks to her, and she's still trying to bullshit about what she did. I don't have time for that. I don't care what she did anymore. What good would it do me at this point?

The next time she wants to change around the story simply respond with 2 questions.

1. Did you screw another man for a year and a half and in the process break our wedding vows?

2. Did you continue to see him after I found out and told you all contact had to stop f there is to be any chance at R?

I think we are done here.

leftbroken

The next time she wants to change around the story simply respond with 2 questions.

1. Did you screw another man for a year and a half and in the process break our wedding vows?

2. Did you continue to see him after I found out and told you all contact had to stop f there is to be any chance at R?

I think we are done here.

That is the meat and potatoes of it. She's scream 'I'm addicted'. I'm sorry, but I'm an adult. She can take her childish shit elsewhere.

I also don't give a shit that she won't have any money after I leave.

I told her one time that the next sap she does this to, make sure her affair partner has a fucking job.

Great job!

Keep walking straight ahead! Head up, shoulders back! You can take pride in the fact that you refuse to be disrespected!!!

Continue to stay strong!

Among other things, cheaters (in their marriage) share the following personality characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse.

Stay on course and get away from her. The less you respond to anything she says the better (i.e., because you can't win).

Newlifeisgreat

Great job!

Keep walking straight ahead! Head up, shoulders back! You can take pride in the fact that you refuse to be disrespected!!!

Continue to stay strong!

Thanks!

I think it's more than just being disrespected - the future I thought I had turned out to be a lie. I don't want a partner who can so easily betray my family and I.

Ugh, just thinking about it - how is it not obvious that I should have started the separation/divorce earlier? I know that it's because of emotions and 21 years, but still. The cold logic of it makes what I am doing a necessity. When I sit back and think about it, she's a petulant entitled selfish child. She's not ever going to change and she's probably just going to get worse.

And this is the 'role model' for my kids? I guess I do regret that - although I'm hoping she keeps it together for them.

Robert22205https

Among other things, cheaters (in their marriage) share the following personality characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for their spouse.

Hm...My STBXW has all of those characteristics... But hey, she bought dinner for everyone last week, so that wipes away her shitty behavior, right? Lol, she actually brought that up in her apology tour last weekend, said something like 'if I didn't care about you then I wouldn't have bought dinner for you last week'....

Oh, yeah, you're right honey, that totally erases your plotting to drain my money and waste my time in Marriage Counseling while you plan on vacations with the shit-stain.

Whatever though - once I'm out and this Covid thing clears up, I am going to visit my friends. That will be fun - although one of them is doing his best to make it a 'let's get TLO laid tour' which I'm a bit uneasy about. I just tell him 'we'll see'....

Stay on course and get away from her. The less you respond to anything she says the better (i.e., because you can't win).

I'll only engage if I feel like I need something off my chest, not because of her and whatever she wants. The entire fucking problem is she's been completely self centered - and still is. Throwing a tantrum and trying to cancel Mother's Day is a prime example of this.

It's like, can't you think about what's best for the kids? I mean, I might not always get it right in terms of what's best for them, but I think about them when I do things.

Sorry if I missed this, but what was the “apology tour”?

Stevesn

Sorry if I missed this, but what was the “apology tour”?

Over the weekend (perhaps a little earlier?), these two things happened:

I was on my way in from walking and ran into my STBXW. She was taking the paperwork someplace to read (I think she settled on a park). She texted me the other day about a bad dream and she said something like ‘everyone hates me’. She apologized for everything and that kind of set me off. I said that she didn’t even really see me as a person, she was so callous to me, and that her behavior since discovery revealed to me what she thought of me. I told her that she should talk to OM since he's a scumbag and will know how to sooth these moral qualms she's having.

So when I ran into her this morning she was trying to apologize again. I said that she felt guilty for what she did but I didn’t believe that she cared for me at all and that she hadn’t for at least two years. I wasn’t yelling or anything. She was teary. We basically got into it and I refused to accept her apology because it was filled with distortions, lies, gas lighting, and attempted evasions of responsibility.

For instance: She does not see a problem with sexting or sending pictures or flirting with her Ex or planning meet ups with him. I told her that if she cared about me she would have stopped doing so five years ago because it massively bothered me and I was ready to leave the marriage then. Instead she lied and went underground and then started a physical affair. There was more, but the point is that while she's apologizing to me she’s gas lighting me and trying to foist responsibility to me. She was saying she needed help and that's why she wanted to go to marriage counseling - I said that she had already wasted enough of my money on that. I said that if she was serious about it she wouldn't have called the OM two days after promising to try and making vacation plans with him. I quoted what she said to him on the phone. She dropped it. I felt a little cathartic about the reality dump but I finally realized that continuing was a pointless endeavor. I told her that I didn't want to hear it anymore, there's no point.

A little later she Face Times me but this was to talk about the actual document, so it was fine. She did have a hiccup where she said that she was such a piece of shit. I said nothing. She has a little more to go and I am expecting that we send it tonight.

+

On Mother's day, I actually had to talk to her. She came in my room starting off with 'we're not celebrating mother's day' bullshit. I stopped her and said that we were doing this for the kids. Not for me, not for her. That she could stow her shit and get through this like an adult and let them give her presents.

It amazes me that she's 42. No thought at all for the kids, just herself, all the time.

She tried again to apologize - except she was rationalizing/gas lighting. Saying I misunderstood or didn't understand and that if I just saw things from her POV I wouldn't think as bad about her as I do. I'm not sure what she thinks I could understand or see the light about with regard to a 5 year affair that she wouldn't stop. I'll buy a Real Doll and fuck that before I ever touch her again.

I ALMOST wanted to ask what possible positive spin she could take to make herself the tragic hero of this tale, but I didn't. It doesn't really matter.

I didn't even engage in it, I stopped her and asked her what the point of all this was? What did she want? She started crying and said she wanted me to forgive her. I just stared at her and said that it doesn't matter. She started for more but my son interrupted.

Ah ok. I thought she was going around apologizing to other people, like family members, or something.

Sorry I misunderstood.

Not really an update; I've been calling the mediator asking for the status. Finally last night I talked to her for a while - she had some basic demographic questions that she needed help with.

Anyway, she said it's either going to be today or tomorrow that she gets the finalized paperwork to us. She'll also have next steps.

I'm beyond frustrated at this point as it looks like I'll be on the hook for June's mortgage but whatever. I'm okay.

Things have been 'stasis' basically. I'm just fucking tired of seeing her every day.

I was doing the math and, knock wood, I'll be in a good spot after 5-6 months, instead of a year. Which would be great. We'll see.

On another note - I've been talking to an old group of people I had met online (2005-2006ish) and made friends with. We're thinking about getting together, virtually, and playing D&D. That'll be a welcome distraction. I'm not sure about online play - never done that before - but I'm actually excited about it.

Just keep your head up, shoulders back, and keep walking straight out of the hell that she put you in.

You got this!!!! And soon, it will all be over and behind you

virtually, and playing D&D. That'll be a welcome distraction. I'm not sure about online play - never done that before - but I'm actually excited about it.

My kids have been doing that for a month or so. From what they tell me, it is a little slower, but they are still enjoying it.

what the point of all this was? What did she want? She started crying and said she wanted me to forgive her.

From your response to her, it seems like you are actually in a good place where you don't have to react to her. Her need for forgiveness is still very selfish. She wants to believes it's OK and it's not her fault you are divorcing. Your forgiveness will justify her.

And you are correct that it doesn't matter anymore. since you are divorcing, she doesn't have to worry about your feelings for her. You are doing her a favor. My XWW went through something similar. I told her that I didn't necessarily forgive, but it wasn't something I dwell on anymore and neither should she. I believe that I said that because what she did was unforgivable. I wasn't going to let it control me and destroy me. I moved on. And it seems you have as well. Congratulations. Keep looking towards your future.

Newlifeisgreat

Just keep your head up, shoulders back, and keep walking straight out of the hell that she put you in.

You got this!!!! And soon, it will all be over and behind you

Thanks. Between waiting for the mediator to finish and all the meetings I have at work this is a stressful period of time for me.

Tigersrule77

My kids have been doing that for a month or so. From what they tell me, it is a little slower, but they are still enjoying it.

Cool deal. I have to look into it still. I have a new laptop so I just have to figure out how to work the various services (roll20, I think?). I have the beginnings of a campaign set up, so that's a good starting point.

From your response to her, it seems like you are actually in a good place where you don't have to react to her. Her need for forgiveness is still very selfish. She wants to believes it's OK and it's not her fault you are divorcing. Your forgiveness will justify her.

Oh completely I agree. She hasn't changed at all - it's still all about her. She wants to feel at peace. Well, fuck that. I don't feel compelled to forgive her and I don't think she's at all truly apologetic. I think she feels guilt.

And you are correct that it doesn't matter anymore.

Yup. I just want to get the fuck out and get the fuck on with my life. Whoever she is now is not a person I want to be friends with or deal with any more than absolutely necessary.

since you are divorcing, she doesn't have to worry about your feelings for her. You are doing her a favor. My XWW went through something similar. I told her that I didn't necessarily forgive, but it wasn't something I dwell on anymore and neither should she.

Exactly. I'm not going to sit here and dwell on it, stewing in my own anger. For the most part I'm trying to move on.

I believe that I said that because what she did was unforgivable. I wasn't going to let it control me and destroy me. I moved on. And it seems you have as well. Congratulations. Keep looking towards your future.

Exactly.

I'm not sure if I think that what had happened was unforgivable but certainly her attitude and her little plan to string me along was unforgivable. When you actively plan to fuck me over like that, wasting my time and thousands of my dollars to give me false hope? No, that's some malicious shit right there.

I think that's what she wants forgiven. EVERY time she has brought things up it goes back to that and she inevitably tries to erase what I heard and insert some gas lit story of her own. She won't actually own up to all the devastation and bullshit that she caused. She hasn't even admitted everything to me - because 'it'd hurt me too much' (my ass, it's about protecting her) - so what's there to forgive? My kids, when they were fucking toddlers, knew that in order to get forgiveness you have to own up to what you did. She can't do that. Apparently she's regressed to a toddler.

Whatever though, she is someone else's nightmare to deal with.

You have it exactly right. And I hope the paperwork is completed soon.

I still think about what she said to you early on. How she thought that the A was actually going to be good for your marriage if you were just willing to work through it.

I think part of it she said “if we don’t end up together then this all will have been for nothing”. Correct me if I am wrong. It was as if she were having the relationship with the AP to help improve your marriage. Oy.

So messed up. And she saw you as her forever guy. She has a screwed up view of how the world works.

Strength to you....

Stevesn

You have it exactly right. And I hope the paperwork is completed soon.

Hopefully, yeah. I know that either way I'm going to be okay but I want to have it done this week so we can tell the kids Friday and then the following week I move out. Maybe I take longer, maybe not, but early June I'll be out.

I still think about what she said to you early on. How she thought that the A was actually going to be good for your marriage if you were just willing to work through it.

I think part of it she said “if we don’t end up together then this all will have been for nothing”. Correct me if I am wrong. It was as if she were having the relationship with the AP to help improve your marriage. Oy.

She said something like that. I'd have to go through it all again. I know that initially she worked with her counselor and came up with a list of things that she wanted me to work on. I said that the primarily thing that need to be fixed was her continuing the affair - she said 'that would obviously be number one on your list'.

Her absolute callousness towards me those first few months turns my stomach.

So messed up. And she saw you as her forever guy. She has a screwed up view of how the world works.

Yup. She said she saw growing old with me. That sort of thing. I think she still might in some perverse twisted view. I really think she has a detached view of reality. She doesn't want to deal with anything at all, it seems.

If I'm going to be in a relationship, I need to be in one with an adult. Not whatever she's regressed into.

Strength to you....

Thanks man.

On another note - I've been talking to an old group of people I had met online (2005-2006ish) and made friends with. We're thinking about getting together, virtually, and playing D&D. That'll be a welcome distraction. I'm not sure about online play - never done that before - but I'm actually excited about it.

Roll20.net? We play "Empire of the Petal Throne" every Monday that way. Having a blast! And sometimes Middle Earth Roleplaying (MERP). Going back to the old days!

KoN,

Going back to the old days!

I played 1st Ed D&D in the late 70's as well as a starship/scifi game that eludes me...when they were the only RPG's available! We thought we were VERY cool!

Okay, got the paperwork, but still have to have a final meeting with the mediator. I'm working on scheduling that today. I swear if not for the property, the kids, etc, this would all be a lot easier.

I have a few things I still need to do; nothing major. Switch insurance, get some bank account information from my STBXW, and that sort of thing.

I'm pretty sure she still sees herself as the victim; she's now spending most evenings in her room by herself. Our daughter used to spend a lot of time in there with her but not anymore. I'm not sure what that change is about.

As long as it doesn't effect the kids or I, I really don't give a shit how she sees herself. She doesn't live in reality and has the maturity level of an under-ripe banana.

I've been tooling around with my finances and I think my projected timeline of getting an apartment is going to be shortened. So I won't have to stay in my parents place for all that time - which is good. Although I'll have to figure out just what I want to do.

KingofNothing

Roll20.net? We play "Empire of the Petal Throne" every Monday that way. Having a blast! And sometimes Middle Earth Roleplaying (MERP). Going back to the old days!

I think that's what we've talked about using, yes. This would be for D&D 5e. I'm going to have to get up to speed with it.

redwing6

I played 1st Ed D&D in the late 70's as well as a starship/scifi game that eludes me...when they were the only RPG's available! We thought we were VERY cool!

I played 2nd edition in the 1990's. I used to love it. I DM'd a bit for the kids and then this all happened. I plan on starting that up with them again. I'll have the time.

I played 1st Ed D&D in the late 70's as well as a starship/scifi game that eludes me...when they were the only RPG's available! We thought we were VERY cool!

That would be GDW's Traveller series. Let me guess, you spent a day creating a character and he died in the first five minutes of combat, right?

5th edition is pretty fun. I've been playing that off and on as well-- but hey, I don't mean to digress.

I like 5e too. It seems easier than I remember (THACO, what's that! LOL).

That said the magic system threw me for a loop for a bit.

Anyway, I got into it with were-wife last night. Not a huge fight or anything, I just told her that we're telling the kids tomorrow.

It's the thing that is stressing me out the most out of everything. Granted, telling them won't mean I can move out instantly - I still have to have a final meeting with the mediator and all that. I figure two weeks? Maybe? I can start openly taking shit over to where I'll be living though.

More than anything I need this off my chest. I need the kids to know what's going on. That their parents are getting a divorce. She wanted me to wait 2 weeks until school is over - but it's always something with her. I am no good at keeping secrets and this feels like a massive lie I've been holding onto. I cannot lie - even by omission - to my kids. It's eating me up. Previously I had set a firm target - after the finalized paperwork. But with this all stringing out and the never ending delays or whatever it's just killing me.

I think you should tell them immediately. This situation isn't going to get any better by delaying things. Children aren't stupid, they have to know what's going on between mom and dad already.