SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Congrats!

Thanks - I skimmed it. I haven't had a chance to actually read it yet. Work has been insane. I plan to do it tomorrow.

I'm actually still working... Is the universe conspiring?? Lol...

I feel like this year has sucked ass royally but the future is going to be good.

Man, that patch up ahead, does it appear to be lightening up to you? Yes! I could swear it! Light! Actual light at the end of the tunnel!

A bit of light reading? Not!!

Buffer

KingofNothing

Man, that patch up ahead, does it appear to be lightening up to you? Yes! I could swear it! Light! Actual light at the end of the tunnel!

Lol, right? I'm actually going to start reading it now. I have Linkin Park's Shadow of the Day playing on loop for a bit. LOL

Buffer

A bit of light reading? Not!!

Right? I have to fill out stuff in the agreement too (ex. my middle name in places).

I just noticed you're from Australia. I just talked with a lady who lived over there. Shew as going out for ice cream (at like 11pm!) and called me through discord. Nice lady.

Aside from the document there's not much going on here. My STBXW apparently has a hernia or something. I might have said that. It's above her belly button. I over hear her on the phone and she's making comments about stress. The kids will ask her for stuff and she says that she can't afford it, ask your father.

...

Whatever. Not my fault your dumbass threw away 21 years.

I'm going to get through this document and send it to her so that we have *one* document to send back to the mediator. I want to get my shit done this weekend and I'm going to be expecting her to get her shit done pronto too. The mediator is taking long enough, I don't need her dragging her feet too.

I'm sorry you going through this. Stay strong.

Thanks man. It's gotten better though.

I'm just impatient.

Be prepared for the "well, I need to think about this for a while". Hopefully you won't hear that and things progress well for you.

steadychevy

Be prepared for the "well, I need to think about this for a while". Hopefully you won't hear that and things progress well for you.

Yup. I'm thinking that I'll be out of here by the end of May. I'm crossing my fingers:

STBXW does her part by next weekend (cause SLOW).

Mediator makes the edits and has it to us by the following weekend.

We sign, submit. Tell the kids - I have a week before I leave.

That gives me one buffer week in May.

That's what's in my head....BUT I doubt it'll go like that....

So Last Minute Lisa has gotten to the paperwork. I know this because:

I was on my way in from walking and ran into my STBXW. She was taking the paperwork someplace to read (I think she settled on a park). She texted me the other day about a bad dream and she said something like ‘everyone hates me’. She apologized for everything and that kind of set me off. I said that she didn’t even really see me as a person, she was so callous to me, and that her behavior since discovery revealed to me what she thought of me. I told her that she should talk to OM since he's a scumbag and will know how to sooth these moral qualms she's having.

So when I ran into her this morning she was trying to apologize again. I said that she felt guilty for what she did but I didn’t believe that she cared for me at all and that she hadn’t for at least two years. I wasn’t yelling or anything. She was teary. We basically got into it and I refused to accept her apology because it was filled with distortions, lies, gas lighting, and attempted evasions of responsibility.

For instance: She does not see a problem with sexting or sending pictures or flirting with her Ex or planning meet ups with him. I told her that if she cared about me she would have stopped doing so five years ago because it massively bothered me and I was ready to leave the marriage then. Instead she lied and went underground and then started a physical affair. There was more, but the point is that while she's apologizing to me she’s gas lighting me and trying to foist responsibility to me. She was saying she needed help and that's why she wanted to go to marriage counseling - I said that she had already wasted enough of my money on that. I said that if she was serious about it she wouldn't have called the OM two days after promising to try and making vacation plans with him. I quoted what she said to him on the phone. She dropped it. I felt a little cathartic about the reality dump but I finally realized that continuing was a pointless endeavor. I told her that I didn't want to hear it anymore, there's no point.

A little later she Face Times me but this was to talk about the actual document, so it was fine. She did have a hiccup where she said that she was such a piece of shit. I said nothing. She has a little more to go and I am expecting that we send it tonight.

In retrospect I was letting her talk/apologize or whatever to see if maybe she'd woken up? Maybe it would be genuine? It wouldn't change what's going to happen - I don't love her anymore - but maybe I'd have a little more respect for her? I don't know.

I was talking to my friend about it and I said that it just solidifies that I don't think there's any chance she'd change - we'll be co-parents and that's it - never friends. I'm okay with that. Some people can't be helped.

I’d cut off the talk. It’s going nowhere.

Time to fully move on and get yourself out of limbo.

Marz

I’d cut off the talk. It’s going nowhere.

Time to fully move on and get yourself out of limbo.

You're totally right, but I did feel like I had to get it off my chest. If that makes sense. Like, she can cry or whatever but I want her to know that I know it's bullshit. It's because she's going to have to struggle or because of the 50/50 custody or whatever.

Ultimately I recognize that it's futile, but I did feel like it was sitting there on my chest.

Yeah, I need this shit done.

Respect ✊

Buffer

I did feel like I had to get it off my chest.

Mission Accomplished

I think you did a good job. It’s so sad she’s always viewed this as more your issue than her own. Such denial.

She had it in her power to work on herself and become someone who truly could be a good partner again, but made another bad choice to continue to deflect and point fingers instead of looking in the mirror at the truly broken person here.

You have a plan and a path and eventually it will lead you to a life without such pain daily in your way.

Again, good job.

By the way, she has always had a distorted view of relationships and marriage. I believe she actually saw her affair as something to strengthen her marriage. Almost a TOOL of some sort that you two could use, discuss, create lists, so that she could get you to be a better partner to her, whatever that meant in her warped mind.

I believe she actually saw her affair as something to strengthen her marriage. Almost a TOOL of some sort that you two could use, discuss, create lists, so that she could get you to be a better partner to her, whatever that meant in her warped mind.

That's an interesting theory, Stevens. I don't put anything past the emotional human mind, but these seems like a self sabotaging set of tools. Of course, I've said more than once I thought TLO's wife refined self-delusion to almost a level of performance art.

Buffer

Respect

Thanks!

Marz

Mission Accomplished

Thanks!

Stevesn

I think you did a good job. It’s so sad she’s always viewed this as more your issue than her own. Such denial.

Yes, she clearly does. She said something about me looking back in five years and being regretful about not understanding her position. I told her that wasn't going to happen.

She had it in her power to work on herself and become someone who truly could be a good partner again, but made another bad choice to continue to deflect and point fingers instead of looking in the mirror at the truly broken person here.

Honestly after I'm gone I think she's just going to rationalize the shit as something she had no control over and was all my fault.

You have a plan and a path and eventually it will lead you to a life without such pain daily in your way.

Again, good job.

Thanks man.

By the way, she has always had a distorted view of relationships and marriage. I believe she actually saw her affair as something to strengthen her marriage. Almost a TOOL of some sort that you two could use, discuss, create lists, so that she could get you to be a better partner to her, whatever that meant in her warped mind.

I feel like you might be on to something, actually. Over the past few months she's said shit that would indicate this. Even her 'list' she brought back from counseling suggests this. As though the massive betrayal was just some trivial thing.

KingofNothing

That's an interesting theory, Stevens. I don't put anything past the emotional human mind, but these seems like a self sabotaging set of tools. Of course, I've said more than once I thought TLO's wife refined self-delusion to almost a level of performance art

I feel like he's on to something with that. As though we could just rug sweep the massive betrayal. Or maybe she thought that I would eventually break and just open the marriage? I don't know. She's fucked up.

News:

On Mother's day, I actually had to talk to her. She came in my room starting off with 'we're not celebrating mother's day' bullshit. I stopped her and said that we were doing this for the kids. Not for me, not for her. That she could stow her shit and get through this like an adult and let them give her presents.

It amazes me that she's 42. No thought at all for the kids, just herself, all the time.

She tried again to apologize - except she was rationalizing/gas lighting. Saying I misunderstood or didn't understand and that if I just saw things from her POV I wouldn't think as bad about her as I do. I'm not sure what she thinks I could understand or see the light about with regard to a 5 year affair that she wouldn't stop. I'll buy a Real Doll and fuck that before I ever touch her again.

I ALMOST wanted to ask what possible positive spin she could take to make herself the tragic hero of this tale, but I didn't. It doesn't really matter.

I didn't even engage in it, I stopped her and asked her what the point of all this was? What did she want? She started crying and said she wanted me to forgive her. I just stared at her and said that it doesn't matter. She started for more but my son interrupted.

That was it for Mother's Day. She did finally get through the document and we sent it off to the mediator. We're waiting to hear back on it. That's the next step.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 9:32 AM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

Saying I misunderstood or didn't understand and that if I just saw things from her POV I wouldn't think as bad about her as I do. I'm not sure what she thinks I could understand or see the light about with regard to a 5 year affair that she wouldn't stop. I'll buy a Real Doll and fuck that before I ever touch her again.

Those suckers are heavy. I mean, so I've been told.

I ALMOST wanted to ask what possible positive spin she could take to make herself the tragic hero of this tale, but I didn't. It doesn't really matter.

I wonder, and I know at this stage it's pointless to ponder.. but to have that kind of response five months later, after nearly constantly trying to yammer about her, her, her... anyway, when you use a term like "betrayal" on her. She has to have heard you use that for her actions and decisions. Betrayal. At the root of it, it's an awful word (for me at least) to be used as a descriptor for another human's value or actions. I would never want to be thought of like that. I place value in keeping my word, and being thought of as trustworthy. So.. that doesn't resonate with her at all? Beyond the selfish response of "everyone hates me and I deserve it, blah blah blah"? I would hate to be associated with that. I know, we've had dialogue like this before. I just hope your wife manages to perform the naked self analysis of what SHE did.. TO you.. TO her family.. that led to this day. Maybe the next guy will benefit from that. You can only wish her peace and healing, that's the mark of a guy with a big heart. But the day to day stuff? Yeah, fuck that. Glad you're going to be rid of her.

KingofNothing

Those suckers are heavy. I mean, so I've been told.

Lol, plus they're expensive. Also...kinda necrophili-y...

I wonder, and I know at this stage it's pointless to ponder.. but to have that kind of response five months later, after nearly constantly trying to yammer about her, her, her... anyway, when you use a term like "betrayal" on her.

It really is pointless.

She has to have heard you use that for her actions and decisions. Betrayal. At the root of it, it's an awful word (for me at least) to be used as a descriptor for another human's value or actions. I would never want to be thought of like that.

Oh she has heard me use it.

I would agree with you - I'd never want to be thought of like that. She doesn't either.

I place value in keeping my word, and being thought of as trustworthy. So.. that doesn't resonate with her at all?

I think it does but I don't think she really gets how much she's destroyed the trust. In the past she has said things that indicate that I should trust her on something or another and I've just told her I can't. I think she truly has a disconnect - she thinks that she can compartmentalize trust.

Beyond the selfish response of "everyone hates me and I deserve it, blah blah blah"? I would hate to be associated with that. I know, we've had dialogue like this before. I just hope your wife manages to perform the naked self analysis of what SHE did.. TO you.. TO her family.. that led to this day. Maybe the next guy will benefit from that. You can only wish her peace and healing, that's the mark of a guy with a big heart. But the day to day stuff? Yeah, fuck that. Glad you're going to be rid of her.

I hope, for the good of the children, she does that sort of analysis. I don't think she will.

I'm glad I'm going to be rid of her soon too. This whole thing has sucked but damn did my opinion of human beings drop significantly after witnessing what one did to me.

I have some issues I have to work out now, thanks to her, and she's still trying to bullshit about what she did. I don't have time for that. I don't care what she did anymore. What good would it do me at this point?