SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The best I have right now is I’m so sorry that happened to you. The medical profession is chock full of potentially inappropriate situations. At least today someone could lose their license for that kind of thing. Sounds a bit like she is using fear to scare you away from talking. I get that reaction sometimes. if it would scare the hurt away I wouldn’t mind it so much. But all it really does is scare you back into the stalemate situation. Anyway…hope you share more of your story? hope it helps. it certainly can’t hurt

Mr. Kite asks:

Btw what kind of screwed-up individual has sex with another man and then comes home to her baby and her husband, kisses them and acts like everything's fine and normal? It's monstrous!

Indeed it is monstrous. I’m sorry you find yourself on this particular thread. It’s like a whole new level of Hell. Like you, I "know" how I would have reacted in "real time" during the affairs. When you are older and many years have passed and you are financially intertwined, things become complicated to say the least.

Your quote above resonates with me. "How could you do this" and "who the fuck ARE you" scream at me. Being cheated on is bad enough but the level of heinous behavior included pushes it over the top. If you read this thread you have seen some of the heinous things that make my WW’s deeds and behavior even more deplorable. What kind of screwed up individual:

- cheats within a year of getting married

- has intercourse with other men while pregnant with BOTH kids

- has sex with an acquaintance while out of state training for a new job while BH is home with a 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old

- has sex with men in our house while the kids are sleeping in another room

- stops to screw her AP in his tow truck parked in a commuter lot once a week for 18 months then comes home and kisses her husband and kids and acts like everything is OK

And that’s not even ALL of it.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:15 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

But all it really does is scare you back into the stalemate situation.

It's more like being frozen in place or stuck due to low self-esteem. For many years it's seemed like we're one argument away from blowing the whole thing up, then by the next morning we're back to the same-old, same old as if nothing had happened the night before. It's sick. A couple of months ago she screamed at me "Get out, get out, get out!!!" Should have taken her up on the offer but I just sat there and did nothing. This is what happens when someone is so mentally and emotionally damaged that they can no longer respond appropriately.

Who does this, immoral soulless husks……aka my wife.

I could have dealt with WW having a one-night stand due to drunkenness but she was 40 at the time, clean and sober and fully aware of what she was doing, and still called a year and a half A a "mistake." Even worse instead of doing everything possible to help me, she did and continues to to do the opposite with passive-aggressive behavior and open contempt. Sometimes I get the feeling that she's the version of the Apostle Paul's "thorn in the flesh." Three times he asked to have it removed but was told "my grace is sufficient for you."

Thanks to Mr. Kite and Imma.

Similar situation, found out 2019, about an 18yr old affair my WW had. OBS called.
Many details, not relevant. My question is, if all this suffering is worth it?
4.5yrs of trying R, and still feel like Mr Kite.

Wouldn't it be best to call it quits? why are we even doing this?
Everything my WW says, is very hard to believe, she lied to me for years, why would it be any different now?

Any WS that can chime in? (not sure they visit this forum)
Why back then was exciting, worth it over and over, and now all of the sudden is not, is horrible, and all those things they say? It just doesn't make sense.

If I liked chocolate as a 5 yr old, I still like chocolate and enjoy it as a 40yr old.

Thanks.

Why back then was exciting, worth it over and over, and now all of the sudden is not, is horrible, and all those things they say? It just doesn't make sense.

I assume that it was exciting while it was clandestine, and now feels horrible because reality has come home to roost.

DL…
first i’m so sorry for your pain. i know how hard it is to find a path that will allow you some peace. i also know how difficult it is to believe a word out of the WS’s mouth. There are certain things my WS says that -even if they are true—are virtually impossible for me to believe. But, I agree with Sister on this. It was all great fun until you have to face what it did to the people around you.

Couple examples…

I had a job offer last week. I was given a chance to asl the future director some questions before I decided, this was after months of interviews. We had an amazing conversation, I was so impressed and after the hour long call i was really enthused. I told my family I finally felt really happy and I couldn’t believe how well the director and I got along. I texted to accept and three minutes later they told me the offer was rescinded. obviously it was something i said. The call that I was so happy and energized about, the lady I thought was so nice and ingratiating….not so much. Now I kinda want to throw up when I think about that call. Same call…new context. anyway i’m over all that, on to new jobs.

Next example…

For the seven years during which husband lied and said it was never physical. He could talk about it fairly seamlessly. He was embarrassed but I could tell that he was at least neutral when he had memories of his actions. Bad but not so bad. After telling me last summer that he had left out 40 - 50 or so physically intimate hookups (mostly lovely little office kisses) the whole is different. Since seeing the sheer destruction he has unleashed he can barely speak without looking like he’s gonna vomit. He has cried more in some months than our entire marriage. in fact i’m not sure he had ever cried. he looks revolted. Do I trust his words-no way. But I do think the change of context has completely changed how he feels about the events. Almost to the point that i think it may distort how he thinks he felt then. he absolutely loathes the woman now so when he tries to tell me how he felt about her then I can tell it’s almost impossible for him to honestly remember his real feelings. He says he had no feelings. I highly doubt that but is it hard for him to really remember his fond feeling? probably yes.

anyway,,, you have to believe what you believe. but i am feeling like soul sister does

Greetings. I'm new to posting here, but have actually been lurking for some years. A bit more than 10 years ago my wife had an affair. It was the usual stuff when I found out, gaslighting, trickle-truth, you all know the play book. She's actually an inactive member here. We still come back every week for SPF.

R was mostly successful though not easy. I had to rug-sweep a lot of things that still don't add up to make it work, because I really wanted to make it work. I put all of my unanswered questions and all of my suspicions in a box and put it in the darkest corner of the attic in my mind. Guys do that. We have lots of boxes up there. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, not so much it seems. More than ten years later and I'm struggling. The contents of that box can be a rambunctious bastard at times.

To be completely fair, my WW has done and been just about anything I could ask for to facilitate R. Except be honest. I think she would rather see our children sacrificed to a volcano god than admit the the "Whole Story" I got was anything but. I can't really blame her, further disclosures would mean another D-Day and 15 years worth of Trickle-Truth and she's just not brave enough to face that. As others have observed, being honest at this point would only hurt her. There is no good ending to being honest with me at this point.

I've managed to turn a blind eye to this for many years now, and though the monster I keep in that box gets out and troubles my thoughts sometimes, until recently, I've always been able to put it back where I want it, knowing full well that's not where it belongs. I've been keeping that fucker out of sight and out of mind. I know what havoc it would reap were I to set it free. Here there be Dragons.

I'm an old man now, much as I hate to admit it. I don't want to live alone. And I really don't think I could continue with her if I truly knew everything, as opposed to strongly suspecting. Ditto if I were to start asking questions again and got answers that I know are untrue.

So, with the preamble out of the way. Any suggestions on dealing with this vicious beast boring holes in the back of my brain?

OldQuestionsNeedAnswers, I hate to say I understand, but unfortunately I do.

I have similar struggles but try to justify what knowing the full truth and/or details would do for me now. Sure, it would set the record straight and end the curiosity, but I suspect that it would only lead to mind-wrenching potential for more omissions whether intentional or not.

For me, I've realized that the truth of the A's will be forever buried in the minds of the participants. The truth of my life is that I will never really know the truth about the A's and I'm not sure I would believe anything I'm told at this point anyway. Albeit, that is a shitty way to live, but even if I D, it will continue to be an infection in my memory until I am on the other side of the dirt.

All that being said, knowing what happened will never be an option. D will not change my curiosity and will present new challenges. I assess daily if I should give R another day. The A's are her fault and will always be. But after this much time, I own 50% of R and 100% of my decision to stay. Some days I don't like my decision as much as I want, but I think it's more comfortable than D. Right now in my life, I'm old and tired and just want to be as comfortable as I can be. It's not the life I want, but it's the one I've chose.

I wish you peace as you decide if what you have is good enough to meet your needs, or if you have to make a change.

OldQuestionsNeedAnswers

I could have written this but mine was over 20 years ago I did I found out early when it was just starting as an EA after confronting her, she moved out left me and two of my boys then she started sleeping with him long story short he was just using her for sex and dumped her after a short time. My biggest problem is during that short time it was probably about 2 plus months she said done some real shitty thing to me, but I cannot remember details about them, and it messes with my head. I Googled why and the best explanation is it is a form of post dramatic stress where your brain blocks it out. We have a good relationship now and I don't want to live alone like you I am 62 years old my wife is very confrontational and does not take criticism very well at all, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I only have two options A if I force the issue and start some hard conversations it could end our marriage or B Say nothing and hope one day its fades away again. So, like you I am stuck with the vicious beast boring holes in the back of my brain?

Thanks, joeboo & fhtshop, I appreciate the support. I hope your lives get better too.

I wish you peace as you decide if what you have is good enough to meet your needs, or if you have to make a change.

I'm actually not looking for a change. I'm trying to maintain the status quo. My Mental Monster has only gotten stronger and harder to deal with as time passes though, so I'm looking for some coping strategies. I know what I want isn't good for me in the long haul, but at my age I can afford to be a bit reckless. I just wanna shove that bastard deeper into the black recesses of my mind. I've considered IC, but that brings with it questions from WW as to why I need it and etc.

Do you ever lie about anything? I guess you could start with your post. Would you read that straight to her? Maybe you would. Is there anything you lie about?

My husband has given me 90-95% of the truth i think There are probs little things left out. But there is one biggish thing that I am 100% sure he is lying about. I agree with you it is quite hard to live with. Hard to keep it in its box.

I asked this question on the thread where you can ask WSes things and several admitted there were things they held back. And these are the "good" WSes! So, yeah it stands to reason this is a common problem. I’m not sure the fact that it is common makes it any easier to stomach.

If you don’t already have a few secrets from your wife perhaps you should acquire a couple. Sorry to make light. It really isn’t funny and it is very hard. I think that is why I find some serious comfort in this site. To not be alone.

Hi Still,

Would you read that straight to her?

I'm pretty sure she knows. There have been times when she's tried to reassure me, years later that it was just the one guy and one time, and I looked her dead in the eye and said "We both know that's not true." The fear I saw in her face was pretty obvious. But that usually shuts down that conversation.

I think many WSs have some little tidbit of info that just didn't trickle out, or was something they saw as "The Last Straw" that they held back from their confession, and now years later when the Fog has truly cleared out they have just a few bones of some old skeleton in their closet. And I think some of them, like my wife, live in mortal terror of their discovery. I don't think that it's out of malice or a deceitful heart that they do it. I think that for many, the idea of new revelations coming out soooo much later is perceived as magnifying the damage. As so many have observed here, it's not just the new revelations about the past, it's the deliberate hiding of them by the WS for so long. These things have expiration dates and most of us are WAY past that point. I mean, there's a point where they could have told us, and it would have hurt to be sure, but we were already in Battle Mode and one more hit was kind of expected. Now it feels like a new attack. And I honestly think some of our WSs understand and fear that the only way they can come clean is to hit us one more time or not at all.

And I think that many, like my wife, would rather die.

Exactly. That is exactly it. So it just sits there. Is it settling down for you a little? Or is it still bugging you. It sounds like you can cope when it is bugging you at like a 30% level but somehow it flared up to like 80% or some number and you need it to go back down. I hope it goes back down, if that is what you want.

For me I worry that it is like an ember after a fire has been put out. I worry that it is going to reignite the whole thing. Not the cheating, that’s long over. But reignite my doubts that nothing I have been told is the truth. That it is all a big lie. Then it settles back down to 30% and I can move forward.

I'm actually not looking for a change. I'm trying to maintain the status quo. My Mental Monster has only gotten stronger and harder to deal with as time passes though, so I'm looking for some coping strategies.

I avoided IC too, but it may have been to my detriment. I think they are like PTs in that they can help to heal faster, and in some cases maybe properly.
The only way I learned to cope was to stop placing so much value on my M and so much value on my fWW's opinion about anything. Unfortunately, that took years and I still haven't perfected the art. I too feel like I am too damn old to start over so I try to maintain the status quo.
There are a couple of things for me that cause me to trigger and dwell on it. I would encourage you to find what triggers you and focus on curing those problems. For me, my wife's sarcasm drives me right back to the gates of hell every time. The other is late evening outings with her friends. I would rather live alone and die a lonely hermit than to have to deal with either of those. It scared the hell out of me, but I laid it out on the line that if she couldn't control those, I couldn't stay married to her. She knew I meant it. The sarcasm is hard coded into her DNA so it's a work in progress. But the bar scene is an absolute deal breaker.
Beyond that, I threw myself into my career to the point I wasn't making sacrifices for her convenience. I've also spent some time doing hobbies I enjoy, which are mostly at home. Both of those things keep my mind busy and off of the crap I'd rather not think about. I think it's like the old saying about idle hands being the devils playground. The same holds true with our minds. Find the things/triggers that piss you off the most and get them out of your life. Then, find the things that you enjoy or at least tolerate that distract you the most and find a way to engage in those activities frequently.
I don't know if any of that babble helps, but hopefully it will inspire you to find your own way to the other side. As for me, I will never forget, but if I can at least take the edge off every now and again I feel like I can own a small piece of my sanity.

Thanks Still

It sounds like you can cope when it is bugging you at like a 30% level but somehow it flared up to like 80% or some number and you need it to go back down. I hope it goes back down, if that is what you want.

You've hit it dead center. Talking here has certainly helped.

Joe, are you psychic?

I think it's like the old saying about idle hands being the devils playground. The same holds true with our minds. Find the things/triggers that piss you off the most and get them out of your life.

It's an idle mind problem. I recently started a new job and it's monkey work. Takes like 3% of my thinking. I took it because I actually get payed, rather than owed money at my last job, and it's a relatively comfortable place to work rather than being on my feet all the time. But it does give my mind plenty of time to wander. We can wear headphones at work, so rather than listening to the same old songs on shuffle, I may start listening to podcasts or audio books. Something to keep the brain occupied enough it doesn't go digging in the attic out of boredom.

I think it's like the old saying about idle hands being the devils playground. The same holds true with our minds. Find the things/triggers that piss you off the most and get them out of your life. Then, find the things that you enjoy or at least tolerate that distract you the most and find a way to engage in those activities frequently.

YES! My "idle mind" is what is killing me. It started me down this path when I took early retirement and started "living in my head" about the past and things that didn’t make sense. That led to confronting the WW about infidelities, multiple D-Days and all the BS that goes with "discovery".

I took a job doing "monkey work" like OQNA mentioned but that didn’t help. I have a lot to do around the house in the summer (big yard, pool, etc.) but not so much in the winter so I fear the "ghosts will start rattling their chains even more". I also spent a LOT of time researching infidelity and the psychology of cheating. While it was "stimulating to my mind” and fascinating, it is extremely painful too.

Also, my biggest trigger is my WW. She isn’t doing the work, has no empathy and still has all the negative character traits (selfish, narcissistic, uncaring, etc.) that led her to cheat. She says stupid shit all the time. Like asking me if I want to talk about infidelity. When I say "no" (because it’s unproductive in her current state) she says "well, I don’t want to be accused of doing nothing". So not to help us heal…..all about HER and the perception of how she appears. Wayward behavior. Something "selfish or wayward” seems to happen daily.

What does work? I find delving into things that occupy my mind work best. Studying new topics. I’m taking some online courses that help. I bought a guitar and I am teaching myself to play. Very much a good "mind occupier". The biggest thing I am looking to do is to start spending more time away from my WW. We are exploring buying a second home in another state and I want something I will have to work on some. This will give me something to do.

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:17 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

IMC

1) does being away from her help me heal and not be triggered so much? Maybe absence make the heart grow fonder?

OR

2) This is a "dry run" for separation/divorce

From what I've read of your story, I don't imagine option one will be her feelings on the matter. As for option 2, I think if you are going to be buying more real estate you should protect it in case your 'dry run' becomes permanent.

I put all of my unanswered questions and all of my suspicions in a box and put it in the darkest corner of the attic in my mind. Guys do that. We have lots of boxes up there. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, not so much it seems. More than ten years later and I'm struggling. The contents of that box can be a rambunctious bastard at times.

The problem with that is that anything can trigger the Jack-In-The-Box to pop its ugly head out when you least expect it.

To be completely fair, my WW has done and been just about anything I could ask for to facilitate R. Except be honest. I think she would rather see our children sacrificed to a volcano god than admit the the "Whole Story" I got was anything but.

And there it is. WW once told me "If you knew the whole truth you would divorce me for sure." In other words, "I'll keep lying by omission so that you won't have enough facts to make the best decision for your life."

Any suggestions on dealing with this vicious beast boring holes in the back of my brain?

Therapy.

For me, I've realized that the truth of the A's will be forever buried in the minds of the participants. The truth of my life is that I will never really know the truth about the A's and I'm not sure I would believe anything I'm told at this point anyway.

That's the truth. Once trust is broken it will never be the same, at least in my experience. WW did a polygraph in February of 2020, on her birthday. She paid for it and passed. I still don't trust her.

Right now in my life, I'm old and tired and just want to be as comfortable as I can be. It's not the life I want, but it's the one I've chose.

If I had a time machine to take me back to D-Day1 I'd get a divorce and a restraining order. But I didn't so the consequences are on me.

What does work? I find delving into things that occupy my mind work best. Studying new topics. I’m taking some online courses that help. I bought a guitar and I am teaching myself to play. Very much a good "mind occupier".

I have a separate computer for music with a Digital Audio Workstation, a synthesizer, microphones, two electric guitars, and a 12-string acoustic guitar. I write and record songs. My problem is that I can't seem to create when I'm pissed off, which is most of the time.

does being away from her help me heal and not be triggered so much? Maybe absence make the heart grow fonder?

Not in my experience. WW is leaving on Saturday to visit our son and grand-daughter in California. She'll be gone for a couple of months. This is the second time this year she has done this. Every time she comes home it feels like an ill wind has blown in to disrupt my peace of mind.

The thing is we've been together for over 41 years and been married for over 38 years. It's extremely difficult to sever those ties at our age. It's like amputating a leg or an arm. Sigh!

Since our most recent DDay in June 2023, my husband has revealed a PA he had in 1977, and also told me what he says is the truth about an affair in 1978 with another woman I had always suspected.

I had always suspected the affair with the one woman. I found a note from her. For 45 years he has said it was nothing. Around his affair in 2005 ha sold me he kissed her once, that was it. At the time I knew it was a lie, but circumstances around that time were such that I just didn’t go into it further. I didn’t believe him. He has now told me that they had oral sex at her dad’s house, and then in our apartment again had oral sex about a week later. It was oral only because she was afraid of getting pregnant. She was getting a divorce at the time. I was in another state, as we were relocating and he had gone ahead of me and the baby to get the apartment and set up for us.

The other PA was shortly after he and I had separated and gotten back together. The two of them were at a nude beach, and they tried to have sex, but too many people kept walking by, he says, so it never fully happened. This woman turns out, is the sister of the woman he just had an EA with.

Back then his recent EA partner was in a tornado-like love affair with their bandmate, and it was pretty crazy. My husband always had a sexual interest in this EA partner from that time, he made no secrets about it back then. It was part of the reason we separated, but she would not give him the time of day back then, because she was wrapped up in this other guy.

In one of the emails my husband wrote to her during their affair recently, he said "I loved you, you loved him, and he loved himself". This tears at me, because I feel like my husband has loved her since then. He says it isn’t true, but he said in one of his emails that he did in fact love her for 50 years. He hasn’t known her for that long…anyway, you get my point.

Just finding out about the physical affairs with the others. And he tells me he did kiss this EA partner once back in the day. Now I don’t know what I’m dealing with. He says I know everything. He has been doing everything right since dday. I have spoken to the other woman.

At this point, I’m just telling myself I do not need the details from these other two. Does it even matter 45 years later. Does it? I’m nearly 70.

At this point, I’m just telling myself I do not need the details from these other two. Does it even matter 45 years later. Does it? I’m nearly 70.

That’s a question only you can answer.

For me, it DOES matter. I deserve to know the FULL history of my life. When my WW "wasn’t there for me" in the marriage, what else was she up to? When I was trying to work on and build the marriage, was she out screwing other men?

For me, it goes beyond the actual cheating. That all occurred 19-39 years ago. I’m more concerned about the 18 years of "lying by omission" or directly. I’m MOST concerned about my WW lying to me NOW about her infidelities. She may not be screwing other men now, but the lying is just as much of a betrayal. If she can’t be truthful, we have no future. So it’s less about the details in and of themselves but can she transparent?

Although this was many years ago, it was still her and still me. There is NO "statute of limitations" for me….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 9:49 PM, Saturday, January 20th]