But I’m not sure if those things really matter to me.
But I don’t think any of those things will be enough for me forgive her. I just don’t think my stupid male ego will let me get beyond this.
As is then these two sentences are the key elements.
This is what I have been saying all the time – you have options and the option YOU choose is totally your choice. What I have been grumbling about on this thread is the number of posters that have already seen what they know is your best and only option and pretend to know your wife better than you.
You are not forced to divorce. You choose to or you don’t divorce.
You are not forced to reconcile. You choose to or you don’t reconcile.
It’s not dependent on what your wife wants (it would be if she was still in an active affair).
It’s totally dependent on what YOU want.
It simply depends on what YOU trust yourself to do and/or what you WANT to do. Right now, these two sentences above indicate you might not believe R is possible. Remember my suggestion to take R or D and wear it for a week? Well… wear D for a week.
This is not me telling you to divorce, but it is me challenging you to use the time you have wisely. No rush – but since you have time then use it to think scenarios and possibilities. Wear D for a week, then maybe take a week off and then later wear R for a week. Make a for-and-against list for both options. Put that list away and then revisit it after 2 weeks. List down your fears with both options…
As has been said numerous times; your biggest asset is time. Use it. Don’t simply let the clock tick away and think things will solve themselves.
you shouldn’t make any major decisions in the first 3-6 months
I think that adage suffers from lacking elaboration. Imagine waking up with your smoke detectors blaring and a fire in your house. if that was your first thought the house would be burned to cinders before you decide to dial 911. Infidelity is so serious that it DEMANDS action. It DEMANDS that we do all sorts of stuff simply to get out of infidelity.
However – what we do and how we do it needs to be carefully thought out and based on logic, sensibility and reality. I think you are doing all that. You have already made a lot of major decisions – formal separation, talk to attorney, finances, tell your daughters…
Definitely use the time you have for the major decision of R or D. Since you have the time then also keep in mind that this is a marathon and you should pace yourself. If you can then give yourself time where you try to focus away from your marriage and its present state.
BSs who are 5, 10 and even 20 years out who still think about the betrayal daily. I feel terrible for the people in that forum because so many seem so very miserable. Strangely, the discussion in the divorce forum seems more positive.
Deciding to reconcile is like deciding to get into shape. It’s like stopping at the gym and buying a membership card. Carrying the card won’t do you any good. Going once a week and plodding on the treadmill won’t do much good either. It’s daily challenging work and dedication and you need to put immense work into reconciliation for it to work. That work is only as good as whatever work your spouse puts into it too. I think a high number of the posts in the R forum are from people still trying to learn how the treadmill functions or wondering if they really need a gym…
There are couples here on SI that have successfully reconciled. The founders, our admin WH5 and his wife BR and more.
Divorce is a better-known process. You deal about the hard factors with an attorney or mediator that then deals with the WW or her attorney. You have distance and the process ensures a certain pace. Unlike R that is totally dependent on reaching an agreement then a judge can decide in a D.