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I think you should let her go on the vacation while you stay home, set up a divorce, and separate the house.

If you let her stay home, she might try to bring the OM into your bed. She definitely won't spend it being introspective and trying to figure out how to save your marriage.

Bahama,

You will never experience such a complexity of emotions. My advice to you is to proceed in a very simple manner towards divorce. If it ‘wakes her up’ then great - deal with that eventuality if it occurs. If it doesn’t, then being decisive is the most important step in healing.

Here’s another way to look at it - if it does end - and it’s likely that it does - then you need to start learning how to coparent now. Your kids and your own well-being are paramount at this exact moment in time.

She was your wife until she unilaterally decided to end the marriage. You didn’t find out about it until you discovered it so you have not had a chance to digest this. It’s like when people lose a limb and feel a phantom limb. Right now you are feeling a phantom marriage.

Beyond whatever happens here I hope that whatever path that you find yourself on ends in your and your children’s happiness.

This ^^^^^^

Concise and valuable advice from Sharkman.

You need to detach and get out of infidelity. She may not be in contact with him (though that is debatable) but she is still emotionally connected to him. Look after yourself and your children, stop trying to heal her. At the moment she is a selfish partner and honestly not worth it. Let her see your strength of character, something she is seriously lacking.

Your wife is right into the fog. You will know whether she is remorseful when she stops making it about herself and begins making it about healing you. Until then (if it happens) you are still in infidelity because she is mourning her loss (and options) and not you. You have become co-dependant and she knows it. She needs to get into IC. And so do you. I read you have already started. You may still be in shock and the trauma will live with you intensely for many more weeks and months and potentially years. You may have a breakdown at some stage, too. You have been carrying this burden and all she can think about is herself and how she’s impacted. This is not a good sign, buddy. Not a good sign at all. Remain calm, ask questions. If she gets aggressive, that is about her not being able to handle your needs. She’s a very selfish woman. And don’t get a job now. She wants you to be distracted. To let it go. Move on. Rugsweep this and you will pay for it down the track. You won’t be able to function in a job anyway until you either see her be remorseful and see R progress or D. As I have written throughout your thread, this is going to be a long road. Pace yourself. Infidelity is severe trauma for BSs. Take care of yourself and for fuck’s sake make you priority No1 after your kids. Not her. You are showing massive signs of weakness when she cries and gets aggressive. Be calm. Leave the house and go for a walk when she starts crying after you intitiate discussion about the infidelity.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:57 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Bahama, I thought you might need something more gentle after some of the posts on the prior page.

Please understand that so many of us made so very many mistakes in early days, and some can wax very demanding about what others should do to avoid similar mistakes. In general, there is some degree of insight to be derived from all posters, so do not let loud exhortations prevent you from digging out the nuggets of wisdom.

Your mantra of “one moment at a time” is a good one. Apply it to the posts here too, and skip over some and come back later if that is the best way to winnow out the insights offered.

Best to you!

Odonna

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:27 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Rugsweep this and you will pay for it

So true. My exact experience. My H’s first EA was rugswept b/c he would never admit anything. There were no texts or cell phone history to trace. I knew the “friendship” crossed boundaries but I had no concrete proof and he gaslit and stonewalled me.

My reward for rugsweeping EA#1 was to have him cheat again.

At DDay1 he says it’s “really nothing” and 10 days later he wants a D. I allowed him to call the shots and did the pick me dance for 6 months. He ended the Affair after DDay1 but it resumed shortly thereafter.

DDay2 my “I no longer give a crap” Meter was off the charts. Plan B was executed swiftly and calmly.

Lucky for him I saw immediate signs of remorse.

I think I’m married to Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde. I turned 180 this afternoon and just went about my business. I was helping my daughter with her math and my wife came in. She sat done behind me and I just refused to acknowledge her. Later we went out for dinner and she reaches over and holds my hand and lovingly tells me she’s so sorry again. I thank he and keep driving. I had a good dinner and even got to catch up with a friend. She’s still affectionate on the way home and while we are getting the girls to bed.

I tell her I’m tired and going to sit and read for a bit before going to sleep early. We both need some extra rest. As I’m reading “After the Affair “ she pulls out the “How to Heal Your Spouse” and starts to read. She says to me “it says in here they recommend a short separation.” I just say “that’s interesting.” Then she says “it says the cheating spouse should leave the home.” “You said you liked this book?!” I replied “I didn’t say I liked it, it wS highly recommended and I thought it might help you understand the situation better.” She scoffed, laid the book down, started to cry and has now gone again to walk the dog. I didn’t even acknowledge her when she left. Just moved her book and kept reading mine.

Now here I sit. I think it’s bedtime.

Trial separations are an anathema if you want R. She may want a trial separation to try and woo the AP. And who is going to look after the kids in a trial seperation. Hopefully she doesn’t think it will be you 100% of the time. Trial separations don’t work as evidenced by many here on SI.

I am so sorry your WW is treating you this way. You just continue to take care of yourself and your family. She will come along or won't, but just make sure it is on your terms. I wish you the best.

You're in a really tough spot, Bahama. I absolutely get it.

Lots of advice being thrown your way. It's up to you to decide which route feels best.

In my case, D was that worst possible path in my heart, yet at the same time, made the most sense.

Her actions are not matching her words. Her exasperation is proof she's still making this about her. Not remorseful.

The suggestions that maybe she's still trying to figure stuff out are kind, but that still leaves you with a gaping wound that no one is attending to.

I know hard decisions are ahead. Know that I am with you and support whatever path you decide.

Strength, bro.

Bahama,

read this and read it again!

You say you wished she would put in the effort to salvage your M and heal you, all her actions so far indicate she simply doesn't care enough and doesn't want to, she's still full of resentment, she still feels resentment that it was YOU that ruined her reputation (not her A), remember her words, you tried to destroy her, she admitted she doesn't trust you, I mean she has it all backwards, what exactly are you trying to save here ? at this point, she's not giving you much to work with, she doesn't want to do the work, she doesn't trust you, she's still, pining for OM, she resents you for telling the truth, she's making the effort to get you back to work after talking to her D attorney the very next day after confrontation, she doesn't want to read the books, she probalby has not apologized to your parents or got tested for STDs, she doesn't even want to stop BC despite insisting you get a vasectomy so that she could get off the very same BC pills and admitting she just resumed taking them to avoid getting pregnant by AP and so far refuses to get alternative meds to deal with her issues which didn't seem to be a problem before the A. I mean what if anything is she willing to do ? I would just simply file for D and only CONSIDER stopping it before it's final if she gets her head out of her ass, shows true remorse, agrees to do the heavy lifting to restore the M and signs a postnup in your favor.

So far, all that I have seen in your posts about WW actions paints her as the poor victim in this mess that she created without any assistance from you.

Her reaction to your analogy about the BC pills and condoms really says it all.

In my mind, you have lead the horse to water, you are trying to make the horse drink. The horse is not drinking, what are you going to do?

Put a var in her car. I think you will find she has a burner phone.

She saw an attorney the morning after you confronted her.

She remained in contact with OM for a week after you confronted her.

She and OM "coincidentally" sent NC emails at the exact same time.

She is pushing you to get a job.

And the only thing she mentioned while reading the book was separating.

Now she's once again on a walk.

Place the var. GO SEE AN ATTORNEY.

I don't remember How to Heal recommending a short separation.

It seems like once again she is falling into her old pattern of making everything about her and expecting you to pursue her. When she sensed you were distant she made a smidgeon of an effort and then at the first road block she went scurrying away in victim mode.

I'm glad you are detaching. Emotions come as they come. You were in shock and now the anger is starting to set in. You will cycle through these emotions many more times. Just remember to breathe and that your marriage is in crisis because she broke it, and it cannot be fixed unless she fixes herself.

The book you mentioned does not talk about trial separation. I don’t like where this is heading. Look after yourself buddy. This is going to get really tough for you. Your wife is no where near R. She is so far away from remorse it is inconceivable that she will “get it” anytime soon. Perhaps she wants a divorce but wants you to make the first move.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:33 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

In my mind, you have lead the horse to water, you are trying to make the horse drink. The horse is not drinking, what are you going to do?

I think he's hoping the "horse" aspirates some of that water, has a near death experience, and comes to its senses. Kidding, kidding... but only kinda.

But seriously, he's done about all he can.

Next questionable dog walk make sure you text OBS to have her on high alert.

She wants to be the victim not the culprit. It's to early yet to know which way this goes.

You need to concentrate on yourself. She'll have to figure her end out.

It does sound like she wants a rugsweep and currently is not willing to look inward at this time. I hope she has a decent IC.

Remember that your value to her is the security and stability you provide. That’s why she wants you back. You didn’t suddenly become hot to her and she didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you.

I actually thought your wife had turned a corner without you having to do a 180. But hey, like most WS your WW isn't different either. It's up to you now entirely to take control of your life.

I'm a "give people the benefit of the doubt" type. But I also know that if my WH had expressed any bit of longing, sadness, or ambivalence about the POSOW, I would have been gone. In my case, the AP did everything she could to jeopardize my child's well-being (drilling down to the essentials here). Your WW has done the same to her own family as well as the OBS' kid. At the very least, she should be appalled by that, and yet, I haven't read anything about her concern for her own children or the AP's child. It's gross, frankly.

Hang in there, Bahama. You sound like an incredible dad and all-around thoughtful and reflective guy. Your WW sounds like her head is tightly wedged in her rear. She should be so lucky as to have you as a husband, from what I can tell. She's a fool to not realize that. I'm so sorry about all of this.