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Hi earlydetour,

WS's - At some point in your journey did you believe that your BS didn't have another option other than to stay with you and R? That they wouldn't choose D bc (to you) they'd be choosing to be alone for the rest of their lives? You didn't believe they'd leave, move on w/ their life and maybe find another partner? That they wouldn't consider that future path as a possibility? That they'd never leave?

No. My husband’s a catch!

I’m sure our children and maybe even finances played a role in his staying with me, but if we did D I don’t think he’d be alone for too long. It would be totally on his timetable. If he felt ready, I know there are women who’d line up to date and marry him. He downplays it but I think he knows that too. Besides, we discussed getting divorced so many times in the past 4 years and honestly I expected it. I don’t expect it anymore because we are doing well but if it wasn’t going well for some reason then we’d talk about it and it would become a real possibility. I also know that if I ever ever did something as stupid and hateful as having any kind of inappropriate relationship with another man he’d divorce me in a second and rightfully so.

Earlydetour,

OMG. My wife is amazing. At 50 she holds her own on looks against a lot of 30ish women, and very caring and all of those other things... So yes, she would have had options.

The bigger question is why I even cheated on her! Because I was too chicken to deal with our marital problems and to accept that life gets in the way. Space Camp is great and all all, but it doesn't last.

I have a question.

So yesterday we were talking and my WH said something like he knows he failed as a husband but as a man he is proud of his "performance" with OW. Let me explain a little :the OBS doesn't "last" so the OW started the affair because she wasn't satisfied with her sex life. On the other hand my husband had his insecurities regarding his size. So when OW told him how good he is in bed his self esteem went trough the roof. He also said that I should be proud that I have a hansome husband that is desired by other women (because he had been propositioned before but only acted out with her). So he takes pride in the most humiliating and painful thing that he did to me? He also says he is remorseful at which I say is not possible to feel the above stated and feel sorry or be remorseful. Is this standard wayward thinking? We are 11 months post Dday, is it too early for me not to expect this way of thinking?

[This message edited by Motheroftwocats at 3:15 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Is this standard wayward thinking?

It’s not standard anything. And I’m sorry, but I think it’s simply him being cruel and insensitive. He had an affair with a COW 11 months ago and he’s boasting to you, the BW, about his sexual performance with the AP and saying you should be proud of him? And in the same breath he says he’s remorseful?

No, he’s not remorseful. And I don’t think it has anything to do with wayward thinking. It’s just him being cruel and insensitive.

Are there any WS that have had an LTA here? Wondering if it is a different perspective.

My WH went to massage parlours and talked to women on dating sites for five years before he had a 5 year affair with a woman he paid to have sex with him. They fell in love within 3 months... and so on.

It's been 18 months since dday1, we had 3 due to straight out lying. We are now separated which started as a 3 month trial, it is month 7.

He tells me that he wants to get back together. I’m not feeling it.

We have talked about the affair, it certainly can end in anger, but here is what bothers me. He NEVER brings it up. When I do I get dead silence. He wants to reconcile but it is unconvincing. Why not talk? Why not try to establish a connection with me? It feels like he just wants to pretend that it never happened. I guess the stinger is that this is how he handled her when she was upset, dead silence. I feel somewhat horrified that we have this in common.

I simply don't understand. If anything, he should be fighting for me, for us, for our family, I feel like he's afraid to get hurt or rejected. And the angry side of me says - you have got to be kidding me... to that thought.

Can anyone help me understand what he could be thinking? Any insights to his thought processes? Fears?

He may be cheating but has said that he isn't. And he is in IC weekly.

I am close to ending the marriage, but to be honest I'd rather make this decision with knowledge rather than anger and hurt (which is where I am now).

Thank you for helping me. I really can't relate.

And for you of those wondering about if SI helps, it does and it doesn't for me. It keeps me in the A zone. I am thinking I will take a break to get some energy back.

duplicate - good grief

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:23 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Mother of two cats,

I agree, your husband is insensitive. I am stunned that he has the gall to let that kind of garbage come out of his mouth.

There is no remorse and absolutely no regret there. He is proud of it.

To me, that is cruel and a repulsive attitude.

You should not be tolerant of that.

My 2 cents...

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:26 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

WS's - At some point in your journey did you believe that your BS didn't have another option other than to stay with you and R? That they wouldn't choose D bc (to you) they'd be choosing to be alone for the rest of their lives? You didn't believe they'd leave, move on w/ their life and maybe find another partner? That they wouldn't consider that future path as a possibility? That they'd never leave?

No, not at all. My H is also a catch. He would have had no problem finding another companion, and I never thought anything different.

The thing that is hard to understand when it comes to the affair is how little we really consider the BS at all in our decision. I didn't calculate anything, thinking I would get away with it. I was more inclined to tell you I just didn't want to be married any more and that I hoped he did move on. And on the other hand I was busy telling myself he'd never find out, because I was so clever, right?

That is baffling to me now of course, but there is a lot of callousness you have to reach in order to have an affair. I was certainly callous, but I didn't bank on the idea that we would R at all.

By the time that I confessed (I did that on my own), I did so in HOPES he MIGHT consider helping me save our marriage. But, I didn't know what he would do. I just knew to move forward we needed to do so from a solid foundation.

[This message edited by hikingout at 10:40 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

I have a question.

So yesterday we were talking and my WH said something like he knows he failed as a husband but as a man he is proud of his "performance" with OW. Let me explain a little :the OBS doesn't "last" so the OW started the affair because she wasn't satisfied with her sex life. On the other hand my husband had his insecurities regarding his size. So when OW told him how good he is in bed his self esteem went trough the roof. He also said that I should be proud that I have a hansome husband that is desired by other women (because he had been propositioned before but only acted out with her). So he takes pride in the most humiliating and painful thing that he did to me? He also says he is remorseful at which I say is not possible to feel the above stated and feel sorry or be remorseful. Is this standard wayward thinking? We are 11 months post Dday, is it too early for me not to expect this way of thinking?

It sounds like he had a big Knight in Shining Armour (KISA) thing going on. This in itself is wayward thinking, yes. People with KISA think they are special and have aspects to them that are better that they can use to rescue other people.

I had a bit of KISA going on with my affair. AP claimed dead bedroom (claimed) and I felt like by offering it up I would save him from that. That by means of providing enthusiastic sex it made me better in some way than his wife. It's sick that I thought that, and really weird to admit to people, but in a really weird way it made me feel special or valued.

You have to put it in context that my whole life I felt I had to hustle to earn love, rather than just believing I was enough without anything I was doing for anyone else. So, this comes from an island of deep insecurity and lack of self worth. I have worked to address it. But, if your husband feels him being able to have an erection for longer than her husband made him worthy of something, the problem is likely in his ability to believe his worth is greater than that. I hope that helps.

Hi Tallgirl,

I am sorry, I do loosely follow your story.

It sounds like to me that your husband can't face himself. And, the TT and all of that is his way of controlling how you see him. He likely feels when he is bringing it up to you he is reminding you of it, and also bringing it up without any additional insight is not going to go over well. So, he's blocked by trying to 1)maintain his vision of himself and 2) trying to maintain your vision of him (very misguided).

He thinks the options are to rugsweep, or to D. He doesn't grasp the other option in my opinion. He may not have the capability to be introspective. And, in all reality, I know I am a wayward, but someone who has an LTA, and also sounds like he has serial tendencies...it's a level of compartmentalization I don't know how it works. I was two months in and my mask was slipping greatly, there would have been no way I would have been able to conduct it long term, I would have had to divorce. I don't have the compartmentalization aspect, it would have been more a situation where I kept trading one relationship for another.

Thank-you hikingout,

You have given me something to think about. I honestly didn't categorize him as a serial cheater. I will certainly think on that.

I guess I was going on the idea there was a lot that you said happened before the 5 year affair. It depends on what you constitute as cheating. Massage parlors here would be cheating.

For me, actively talking to other women via online dating sites is utterly cheating. He told me about this on DD1, it felt wrong... then I learned about the massage parlours a year later and it then made more sense.

Both are actively stepping out of the marriage, hiding, and lying... this is how he made the steps into a full on affair with a prostitute. By Small steps... crossing the line got easier... and then he didn't notice that he was, and there he was -- in love and deserved to be happy.

I don't know his lines/boundaries now. In fact, he isn't the same. when I learned of the massage parlours, I had to explain that omission was lying. I was stunned. Felt like I was talking to a child - this isn't the man I married.

Sorry HO, this is hard for me to talk about without getting "energized."

Thank you for your anwears - Mrs Walloped, Tallgirl and hikingout. Very much appreciated.

Hi Tallgirl,

I understand. I am really sorry your h isn’t getting it. Take care.

Why do WS cheat more than once? When the BH takes you back? Do they just not live the BS? My Wh has a PA in 2009 that was horrible, we were divorcing and he was abusing pills and was manic. We eventually reconciled after three years of separation.

Just found out that he told a coworker / close friend he loves her about a month ago ... our third child was born... about a month ago. I feel so stupid and alone and sad and numb that this is happening again . Why? Why didn’t he see reconciliation as a gift to be cherished?

My WH and I stil share a Spotify account. Today I got triggered by a playlist Spotify assembled with the most played songs in 2018. The playlist contained a song that’s their song. They have two, one my children still listen to frequently because it is from a movie they watched. She sent him the lyrics to the song. I hear it often, don’t like it but endure it because of the kids. The second song, is a song he sent the lyrics of to her. He considers it as the only song they had. This song is part of the playlist. Here is the thing, the playlist is ‘most listened to songs 2018’. The affair with the MCOW ended in march 2017!, a little later then when I discovered the affair at the end of february. What is he thinking listening to this song still? He listens to music every day for several hours. So he really listens a lot and this song is most played more than a year after the affair? It isn’t a song that is very famous or well known. So I’m baffled. Trips down memory lane? Can any of you help me understand?

Why do WS cheat more than once? When the BH takes you back? Do they just not live the BS? My Wh has a PA in 2009 that was horrible, we were divorcing and he was abusing pills and was manic. We eventually reconciled after three years of separation.

Just found out that he told a coworker / close friend he loves her about a month ago ... our third child was born... about a month ago. I feel so stupid and alone and sad and numb that this is happening again . Why? Why didn’t he see reconciliation as a gift to be cherished?

I have no idea, really I don't. My guess is that he just did the minimum of what was needed to make you feel complacent. He didn't work on himself and he didn't change.

When I say that, I don't know your husband. For most of us, we cheat to fill a void within us. And, generally speaking it's one that lacks self love and self worth. If he didn't repair that part of himself, he's always going to act out with different things to prop himself up. Instead, he should have looked at the shame he carried, it's origins, worked on healing that. Worked to become someone he was proud of. He didn't do any of that.

I am sorry this is happening to you. But, it's not anything about what you are or aren't. It's what he isn't that is causing him to do that. The changes he needs to make are deep and they will take a lot of time, if he does them at all. You need to figure out the best ways to protect yourself moving forward.

Workwife,

My guess is he was pining. I am sorry, nothing else makes sense. I can not listen to any of the music from my affair. Recently I was in a drug store and one came on. I had a bunch of stuff in a basket to check out. I put the basket down, and went outside for 5 minutes and then came back in and made my purchases. I literally felt sick to my stomach, I hate who I was from that time and I can't stand anything at all affiliated with it.

If I had kids, I would redirect them to something else and stop making the song available. I would find something else to get them hooked on.

One other thing, did he share this list with her? Because it could have been her listening? Right? I don't have spotify so I don't know about how it works. Had I been him that list would have been deleted, and should still be.

Why, when the affair is outed, is the WS so hell bent on blaming the one who told for ruining their life?

Why such hatred to them?

Why is that person - the one who did the right thing - the one who exhibited such courage - vilified?