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After the absolute hell that you've put the kids and I through in the last few months, stop pretending that we are still best friends and that you care about us. You are phony.

I hate it when you respond to my texts with hearts. It literally drives me insane. I will never associate a heart emoji with you again as you have ripped out mine.

You are not a good person. We will never be lovers or friends again. My friends don't stab me in the heart and in the back. Never mind my own husband of 17 years, who I gave all of myself to. And you think it's perfectly acceptable to demote me from your wife to your 'best buddy' in your distorted mind.

Stop using me to offload the guilt and shame that I can see is making you miserable. Live with your horrible, destructive, selfish and entitled choices. Own who you are and stop lying and minimising what you have done, chosen and continue to do. Go be with your shiny new person. Just leave me alone. I will pick up myself up, and dust myself off and you will be someone with 24 years of shared history that I used to know.

Just be a man. Stop being a weak coward.

[This message edited by Angie41 at 6:20 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

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I cannot believe the utter lack of remorse and empathy you have shown. How you've let this A tear apart your family, and you care more about your 29-year old, broken, tattooed, bar tender AP than you (a 53 year old husband), care for your family and your three children. I hope you never forget the pain in their eyes when we sat down and told them the truth. I know there are more lies you've hidden, more deceit you've kept from me, but I'm over it. I am moving on, despite the fact this wasn't what I wanted. I tried so hard to give you every opportunity to fix this, but I can't work with lies and deceit. I hope someday you come to realize the error of your ways and realize the pain you have caused everyone. I regret having wasted 20 of the best years of my life on you and I'm sorry you don't have the emotional maturity to say what you wanted in the marriage rather than taking the easy escape hatch of an affair with someone half your age. You are a disgrace.

Our DD saw a message on your computer from your AP and it said, "I love you." It's disgusting that I just filed for divorce and she had to see this. What is wrong with you? Don't you get the impact this has on your kids, and you just can't pull your head out of your ass long enough to protect them?! And all you can say to me is, "Sorry...I'll be more careful?!" You are more of a disordered individual than I ever would have guessed. And, now, you've depersonalized me. Calling me "your mom" in front of the kids. I am moving on...finally leaving the heartbreak behind. Every instance of insensitivity reveals who you truly are. And it's disgusting. I can't believe I wasted 20+ years with you. I hope karma deals you what you deserve, which is heartbreak and desolation. The same you've wreaked on your family and those who loved you. You don't know what love is.

Everything you do is to manipulate, the only goal you have is to be seen as something you are not. I didn’t make you a single mom. You did. Where so many would have left you I stayed. Even though it hurt, even though every touch felt like a lie because I knew that you did the same for your AP, I still was here.
Like an idiot.

So, you win. Enjoy your most deep connection. You sure as hell aren’t worth fighting over.

We had a good run, until we didn’t.

The pain of writing this is unreal.
You really think you've been trying the past year or so..
That's because you lifted your bar from the floor -
Utter sexual depravity and entire dishonesty - to slightly above that.
So to you that's raising the bar..
It's still so low I couldn't limbo under it.
You've continued to lie, manipulate and gaslight.
Shout and sneer and stonewall.
With enough affection and concern in between to confuse me and keep me hanging on.
You've sneaked behind my back with your phone.
Bullied me at the most vulnerable times.
Shouted at me for being triggered. And then other times been sympathetic.
Hugging and consoling me one day, saying I'm your top priority, the next day saying you can't take any more.
So I never know where I stand.
Re-reading my journal entries has hammered that into my wrecked mind at last.
I'd already blocked out so much of what you said and did since DDay and supposed "reconciliation".
The way you've broken promises, twisted and completely denied things you previously confessed. Made me feel like a lunatic.
You thought I'd be "fixed" in a few months and it would all "go away" It didn't.
So you unravelled.
Telling me you got with me because I was your "partner in crime" and before that "I suppose because you were so tenacious " or that I was "very, very pretty"
Never "because I loved you so much"
Our whole marriage has been deceit.
Getting worse and worse.
Obsessed with every sexual image you could possibly see. All your sexual energy into magazines then screens - when it became a rampant disease.
A liar.
An unfaithful cheat.
God knows what you were doing to other women I didn't see - even if you didn't actually fuck them.
Whispering in their ear like you did to me.
I saw you doing intimate things in plain sight in our home.
Like you did to me at the start.
You were 13 years older than me. You knew better.
I'd been abused so much - but never by a wolf in sheep's clothing like you.
I thought I was your person.
That you meant your promises. You utterly fooled me.
And you systematically smashed me to pieces.
A man who could get off on what you do is repulsive.
And KNOWING that yet still carrying on.
And my grief just ran off you like water on Teflon.
The idea that you could be watching real humans suffering on the screen.
You didn't care how young they might be.
You think you love me.
You don't know how.
You don't truly love our children  - or how would you risk exposing them to your vile habits?
Masturbating in common living areas.
Leaving pornography on family computers and TVs
Let your daughter see your pornography history on your old phone you KNEW I was giving her.
Didn't fess up and stop me. Just assumed she'd keep it a shameful secret.
Stopped my sex abuse counselling because they said it sounded like they might have to report you.
Watched me sob and plead and rage and it was "annoying" to you.
Broke promise after promise. Destroyed my self esteem and sanity.
Made me feel ugly and unwanted.
Because I actually was in your eyes.
Were "attracted to" and looked at schoolgirl images because you "liked it"
I can never excuse, justify or forget that.
It's sick.
And I was sleeping with you while you looked at those images.
I gave you the best years of my life. Over HALF my whole life.
I covered up for you.
Saved you from possible arrest, loss of children, loss of job.
You did not give one solitary fuck. Because you knew I'd keep quiet.
You abandoned me when I needed you most.
I lost my son.
Annihilated himself. My child.
I identified his body. I'm actually glad you weren't with me now.
Because that would be tainted too. The worst moment of my life, at least I wasn't with someone pretending to be authentic while I begged him to come back to me.
And you continued to crucify me.
Stopped sleeping with me for seven years.
That's unforgivable. I've never been able to grieve him or heal.
You have NEVER been there emotionally. Not fully.
And largely removed yourself physically.
Whilst I dealt with all our daughter and grandchild's abuse and the fallout alone.
You just wanted a superficial, peaceful life. No real connection. Just your own boring routine to keep away from me and my feelings.
Never really wanted me sexually after the chase was over. You said "I want us to have a fantastic sex life"
And "I want you to carry our child".
You just had a pornography life. Not a love life with me.
You've tainted every part of our marriage.
Destroyed my future.
I have no career. Because everything fell on me.
I had no family or childcare.
No money of my own.
Now no health and a disability si I can't work or study.
You've destroyed my dream of a future retirement. A new life.
I have trauma, depression and CPTSD because of you. Now been told by my psychiatrist you undoubtedly worsened my bipolar and panic disorder.
And now you've assaulted me.
Such rage at my trauma - caused by YOU - that you put your hands on me.
Pushed me.
After physically intimidating me before that.
Your "gentle" push has needed several days of pain meds.
And I've covered for you again by not telling a GP
I was never emotionally or psychologically safe.
But now you've crossed that line, I'm not physically safe either.
The emotional abuse that USED to shut me up wasn't working any more. So you lost it completely.
I thought till then MAYBE there was a chance.
You have totally, completely broken my heart.
You are not the man I thought you were, hoped you could be, begged you to be.
I miss and crave the man I wanted and convinced myself you were. He wasn't real.
I ache for you.
Your skin, your smell. Shared a bed for 26 years.
I just want to ring and tell you to come back to me.
Great, heaving sobs as I write this.
But I see now that I never had you at all. Just part of you.
I gave you everything. I was an open book..
And your cold hearted, self entitled and obsessive sexual behaviour was more important than me the whole time.
You wouldn't know the truth if it punched you in the face.
You swore on my life, staring into my eyes as you lied to me.
AND YOU STILL WILL NOT DO THE NECESSARY WORK TO CHANGE. EVEN AFTER LAYING HANDS ON ME.
I'm not your priority..
Never was.
Despite saying over and over you'd never leave me and wanted our marriage. You walked out.
The irony that you have weapons around in case our daughter's dangerous ex broke in. But YOU were the danger.
And have left me alone in the house now if he rocks up too.
I've loved you the whole time, fucking adored you, and you did not deserve me one iota.
I see that now.
You were ALWAYS punching above with me.
I had so much to give when we met.
And now look at me.
We cannot be together like this.
I'm petrified. No clue how to be without you.
I've loved you since I was 19.
But I have to stop being a victim.
Every w***
Every lie
Every sneer
Every girl you stared at on the street
Every video and picture
Every year you watched me fade away.
I hope it's all worth it to you.
I TRIED and TRIED but you can never give me what I need.
If you agree to a fair settlement, I'll disappear as soon as it's done.
No amicable friendship as you've never been my friend.
And don't fight me in Court.
You'll be bringing a knife to a gun fight.
I have evidence of EVERYTHING.

I still can't believe your ambivalence about wanting to see your own children. It's been 4 months that we've been separated and you've taken them on one trip and had them over to your place a couple of times. Is that being a father?! I'm sure you're enjoying your new, fancy free lifestyle. You can go out to bars every night of the week. You can communicate with your AP at will. You no longer have to hide. I wish you'd own up to it. Stop hiding things. Your selfish actions, which blew up your entire family, let you here. Why not own them?! I hate that you and your AP continue to take up my mental energy. I want so badly to move on from this. I wish you would have some, any remorse. I wish you would just accept my offer, let me finalize the divorce and move on. I can't believe I could spend 20+ years with you, go through all we went through together, and you can simply discard me and the children like you've done. Please let us move on so we can rebuild our lives.

It hurts that you still tell me you didn’t get what you needed from me when I have had many years of feeling sad and alone and not having the friend and love that I had always hoped for. Countless weekend mornings sat alone waiting for you to wake up to have coffee and a chat and hoping that one day you might return the favour and book a date night for us to go and do something special… I think you only arranged something twice in the whole 11 years and one of those was after I found out about your betrayal.

You knew I had M.E when I met you and fatigue, you knew I had coccyx damage and surgery to remove part of my cervix you knew I was struggling to cope with our eldest and would be hit kicked and bitten most evenings but you still felt it was okay to make me feel bad for not giving you sex regularly enough.

It hurts that despite you betraying me and causing me
So much pain that you think moving into a house share with a single female with young baby is a good idea and you expect me to believe there is no other option. You think it’s okay if the children find out when they inevitably ask where are you staying and who are you living with.

I can’t understand how someone that has had so much love and kindness could be this awful to the person you were meant to love.

I'm feeling sad today, I want to reach out to you. But I know that will just suck me back into your vortex of nonsense and delusions. Around in circles we'll go, me trying to explain and prove and present facts while you don't address anything with definitive answers. It's crazy-making. I miss you, I miss our life. Then I have to remember that it wasn't what I thought it was.

What it is/was was lying, manipulation, gaslighting, and betrayal of trust. I so badly want that dopamine hit of an interaction with you, even though I know it will just be more of the same. Around in circles we'll go again.

Instead I must remember when you were unmasked and it was revealed the disrespect you displayed to me over a prolonged period of time.

I will keep limping forward with my injured dignity in my arms, to get as far away from you as I can.

I'm so ANGRY. Every new thing you share shows me how little I was aware of this huge secret between us!

I guess I should feel glad you're getting help, but as Tommy Lee Jones said in The Fugitive, "I DON'T CARE!" It's not my job to care anymore, YOU lied about this, YOU manipulated me, my whole psyche is effed up thanks to you!

I cannot think of why I would stay with this now. Everything on offer seems to require me to trust and bolster you, and I. Am. Done. With. That.

You are such a bastard. I wish the world would know...that you are fighting tooth and nail through our numerous attempts at mediation to take everything I have built up....401k, pension, stocks, all the cash I have...but you fought ZERO to have more time with your kids. Some day, the children will know. It is heartbreaking that this is the kind of man they have as their father. I thought there would be a shred of remorse, a shred of compassion going through this process. Given that YOU were the one that behaved abominably. YOU were the one that blew up the family because you wouldn't give up your trashy AP. Given that YOU continued to lie through your teeth through a false reconciliation. I thought you'd walk away. But now you heap pain upon more pain. I think the bottom has to be near. I've thought that I saw the bottom for the past 6 months...that it couldn't get any worse, with revelation after revelation. With each new piece of information that has come out. With seeing in black and white on your credit card statements how you were lying to me, buying flowers for her on MY birthday, when you also bought them for me. Again, what kind of human can do this to someone you at one point said you loved? I have no doubt the bottom is now near. I will settle and give you you some of what you want just to be free of you. I hope at some point your conscience overwhelms you and the pain you have inflicted upon your family comes back to you tenfold. You deserve so little. I hope Karma knocks on your door and punches you in the balls.

Now none of your kids even speak with you? NONE? Those awesome beings I was a bonus person for all those years. How did you manage to fuck that up....wait....I have some ideas. One of them make the mistake of standing up for themselves or sharing a feeling and you gave them the silent treatment? You're supposed to be the adult you piece of shit. The path of destruction carved by your avoidance continues. Dumbass.