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OK – So I was thinking the journal in the envelope was because the IC wanted her to tell you but she didn’t. Now it turns out the IC told her not to tell you.

So why the journal? Why has she stored that all the time if she had no intention of ever sharing this with you? Why take that tremendous risk of you finding something she had no intention of you ever knowing about?

I know, the BTW-gang will come out screaming it was a memento. Maybe even something she and all her evil-friends got together to read over OM grave while they mourned… But maybe your wife knew that one day she would have to fess up.

Not that it matters.

Not that how she was thinking back in the days matters either. Not that how she is thinking now really matters. The ONLY thing that matters now AO is what YOU are thinking and what YOU think you can manage and deal with. I couldn’t find any fault in you if this is too much and D was your best solution. But nor would I find fault if you wanted to reconcile.

t/j: Timeless – How is a legal separation a “gift” to WW? A legal separation is required to divorce in AP state, and its about as much a gift as giving someone syphilis.

A nine year affair meeting daily and only ended with the OM's death. Of corse she has fond memories of those times.

She didn't just one day have an epiphany this was wrong. Unless you believe in fairy tales.

She attended IC for herself. It wasn't for everyone else involved. No one else mattered much.

Affairs after all are selfish acts.

No way to sugar coat this one.

And you know this how Marz?

She probably had fond memories while it was ongoing, but there is no way you can say with certainty that she has a single fond memory of what she did NOW – in the PRESENT.

And how is my post sugar coating her actions? I’m simply offering another option on where she might be emotionally. Maybe I don’t think getting the tar, lighting the torches and gathering firewood is the only path out of infidelity that needs to be shoved down each and every betrayed spouse that comes here.

Per his confrontation post:

She went to therapy weekly for another 2.5 years. Her counselor apparently forced her to do exercises imagining how she would feel if she found out I had done all of the things she had. Made her visualize me physically doing those things. Made her write down everything that happened through the affair (that is what was in the envelope). I guess that her counselor suggested that instead of telling me though, that she work on our marriage and become the wife and mother she should have been during the years she stole from us. “Bear the burden herself,” are the words she used.

I expect she reviewed it occasionally to stay on track with her therapy, and likely a little stroll back memory lane as well.

I can't say this enough A1, you are an amazing guy. How she could prefer that POS over you just shows how twisted her thinking was for all those years.

I don't know why and not sure if there is even a point to it but here goes. One example of what a POS he was is his own death. Was this the only death on that stretch of road at the time? It sounds like it. In my view people often reflect their character in their driving. It seems to me he was the one driver out there who thought he was above the laws of nature and drove in such a manner to his family's death.

Now from the grave he is trying to destroy your family. I'm sure you are not going to let him as your daughters truly love you and you are handling your wife's betrayal so well.

Why so much mind reading statements? How does it help him?

^^^ Exactly.

I'm a single man raising two daughters, and from my point of view the most important family relationships A1 will ever have are just fine. His "Family" consists of himself and his children, an it is rocked but solid.

His marriage? She blew that up with 9 years of emotional and sexual escapades, the OM is largely irrelevant.

His image of WW is and how things were between them? Now that's gone forever.

As for the M? Here's an analogy for you. If the M were a house, then she set off dynamite in the basement. The foundation is shattered, and there are now serious structural problems throughout the house, plus there's water damage from the firefight. Right now A1 has condemned it as it is unsafe to live in. He's going to take some time to evaluate to see if he wants to rebuild or move.

It is our job to focus on supporting A1.

A1: You are handling things very well. I think we process things a bit similarly, so here's a heads up for you. Very likely the emotions will hit. Specifically anger. I'm not talking about the trauma of finding out. This is more of a river rising over the banks and flooding the valley for months type thing rather than a flash flood. I was doing my thing, moving to D and generally getting along with then STBXW when almost 5 months post DDAY I got Angry. I stayed that for over a year, and it made civil interactions with my ex challenging. It took me completely by surprise, although many here talk about the 'anger stage'. FYI

edited for clarity

[This message edited by antlered at 1:32 PM, December 10th (Sunday)]

A1,

Yu have planned an epic Christmas holiday with your daughters. It will be a special time and memory.

Rubix - You are correct. On dday, she said the IC told her to keep the journal/timeline as a reminder of her horrible decision making and to help her "stay the course" of self improvement. I haven't actually gone through that envelope yet. I put it in the safe the next morning and there it still sits. To be fair, I have already seen and read lots about the affair in the emails and photos I found.

I had a strange experience at church today. I assume that word of our separation has spread (unsurprising given the size of our community). I had two separate parishioners approach me and ask what they could do to help. Both offered to bring food or just talk. While I have known each of these women for many years, they are both much closer to WW than me. So their offers seemed strange/out of the blue and frankly made me uncomfortable...both are divorced and roughly my age or slightly younger. It seems like they should be gravitating to my WW, not me. I simply thanked them for their offers and told them I would keep their kindness in mind.

On a less weird note, the decorator will be finishing the demo work in the house this week. I don't remember if I mentioned it, but I contracted a local company to exchange the master and guest rooms in our house. I had them take the old master down to the studs, removing everything (furniture included). I want nothing left that I could see in WWs sex pictures. It will take some time to make the necessary changes (enlarging the guest bathroom to master size, etc.), so I am currently sleeping in the basement. A little chilly, but I will survive. I am just happy that I will never have to step foot in that old master bedroom again.

I actually found some time to do a little more Christmas decorating. DDs always loved our outdoor lights, so I spent a few hours stringing LEDs. I definitely find that keeping busy is keeping me sane.

I have also tried doing my IC homework. I am having a hard time, because I have no idea what being divorced feels like. I haven't been single in so long it is like trying to imagine being 5yo again. I tried taking off my wedding band, but it felt so weird I put it back on.

the ring is up to you.

Has your WW tried to make contact?

because she will eventually try.

I do hope you give yourself time to grieve.

this can eat at you for a long time. Hope you do find some peace someday.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Your homework is tough. It starts with thinking of yourself as not having a partner. You still have the rest of your family. You need to think of your life as being just you. Not thinking about WW. Take off the ring for a few days. See how it feels. Go out and interact with others with the mind set of a single available man. I’m not staying you should bring anyone home. But try on the mind set.

A1 - the pro move with the ring is to buy a new one. Get something cool like a Qalo, which will set you back $20 and is cool as hell.

Call it your ass kicking ring. Have a private ceremony where you bless it with a shot of expensive shot. You’re committing to yourself that you’ll dig your way out of this hellhole one way or another. It’s very liberating.

I had a strange experience at church today. I assume that word of our separation has spread (unsurprising given the size of our community). I had two separate parishioners approach me and ask what they could do to help. Both offered to bring food or just talk. While I have known each of these women for many years, they are both much closer to WW than me. So their offers seemed strange/out of the blue and frankly made me uncomfortable...both are divorced and roughly my age or slightly younger. It seems like they should be gravitating to my WW, not me. I simply thanked them for their offers and told them I would keep their kindness in mind.

A few things coming into play here. The most obvious is.....You are a catch. Good provider, loyal, morally upstanding, loved by your kids. The complete package.

So there is a bit of a new fish in the pond type of dynamic happening.

As far as to why they are not gravitating to your WW. I have seen women lose friends while pursuing/competing for the attention of a man. It's a bit primal. All is fair in love and war.

Also, if they know about her unfaithfulness, or even suspect it, that matters. Women know other women. I have personally been at functions where a women was flirting with me. I had no idea. Like many men I can be a bit clueless. But my female friends saw it right away. To them what she was doing was so obvious. All that to say if they suspect that she cheated they are less likely to throw her much support.

Not all of them though. Some may take the, "he must not have meet her needs/drove her to another man" stance. Especially if they have cheated themselves.

Or they just might be nice, kindhearted ladies who want to help. No other motive involved.

In any case you are right to keep other women at arms length right now.

Dude you are a hot commodity. Seriously, you will generate interest from the single ladies. But it's way too soon to consider going there, but it's nice to know that you most definitely have options with faithful women if you so choose down the road.

In any case you are right to keep other women at arms length right now.

Great Post by Ramius. I would like to echo his words.

I would clarify that IMO "other women" definitely includes WW. She will want to visit the house doing "nice things" for you. Which is great, but kinda derails the separation to get your feelings sorted thing now doesn't it? You might need to set some boundaries with her on this to keep your sanity.

Word gets out. Not many good men available.

Yep, they are circling.

At this time learning to live alone and enjoying the benefits that brings is what you need.

because I have no idea what being divorced feels like.

You're doing three real life things already. Remodeling your house to suit you. Planning travel. Connecting with your daughters on a different level.

Now for the "imagining". What opportunities would you see in the broad categories of work, self, family? You're imaging a new life. What does it look like from 30,000 feet ...and from 300 feet?

I'd recommend that instead of looking at it as "being divorced", look at it as "being single".

I agree with Timeless.

Wow, hot commodity.

Her loss. She deserves no quarter at this point.

To protect yourself divorce wise, I wouldn't cheat.

However if she knew the advances you were getting, she would be jealous. Maybe emphasize that to her ?

But don't worry. I understand it.

[This message edited by Western at 7:17 AM, December 11th (Monday)]

Please please heal before you get in any relationship, with current wife or anyone else. Give yourself time to grieve and feel and heal. Enjoy life and DD. Take really good care of yourself physically and emotionally.

(raising hand)

A1, I too along with members here had "support" suddenly come out of the wood work. I have to say that on one hand it was a positive surprise for me because it dispelled one of the biggest fears I had after my own Dday - "Who would want to daye a 40+ yr old father of kids?" Apparently a LOT of women would, as you are beginning to see as well. The problem for men generally isn't "if" anyone would date us but "who" is really safe to date.

There is one more thing you get to remodel on your project list. That is your mental model of relationship with a woman that will work for you. It should be done BEFORE engaging into another relationship again, whether it be with your FWW or with a new woman. You might even decide that you are just done with relationships and that friendships will do just fine.

Now, this is just my idea. I'm a "an affair is a deal breaker" kind of guy, but I did ponder a scenario whereby I give my XW a "second chance". It involves going through with the D. After all, its just a contract, a "title" of the relationship, and to lot of people some kind of "claim" on to a partner's fidelity and their assets. Then, it required living from separate households but dating again. If things went well then the relationship progresses. I myself would not remarry her because the whole point of this exercise is for her to show me that she chooses me every day, then every week, every month, and every year. To me, staying in the M clouds the wayward's intentions to R. Are they choosing to stay with the person of or the safety net of an M? Without the M your relationship with her can come to a clean break on any day. No savings and retirement accounts, assets, joint "anything" to unwind, etc. Thus, your are left with but one reason to stay with that person and it is whether your "want" to or not.

I don’t think you need to read into ‘how to act’ divorce. You are unilaterally supporting your children through this, driving a remodel and are making significant decisions solo.

That is basically what it means. There really isn’t a ‘pretend’ divorce mindset.

Do things you enjoy. Friends, exercise, learning, whatever. Being your own dude is all you can do.