My advice is time and contemplation as well, but also quick action to protect your business and what you built. That is a non-starter. It has to happen. However it happens that should be a priority. Your kids welfare should also be his priority.
Your heart, that's what hurts. And when you're hurt it's hard to determine what to do. You're just desperate to get out of the pain and you're not sure what's real anymore or where to turn.
When faced with a betrayal like this, and it's huge, you have to take quick action to protect what could be wrecked in a divorce legally. If you can't protect it then it's likely best to end it and rebuild on your own. Then, you have to really look deeply and see what you want to do. To do that, you need full information to know what you're even considering (polygraph) and you need the distance away from the other person to really consider what you want to happen...away from the manipulation.
People, even good people, are capable of amazing cruelty. Evil people are capable of good acts. Every single one of us is a shade of grey. Sifting through those parts of h
Your marriage, should you even admit to wanting to save it, takes time and contemplation.
And it should.
Everyone here knows what it's like to wake up one morning with a stranger in your house who did tortious damage to your idea of self. Many here know what it's like to suddenly wake up in the night to reach over to the other side of an empty bed, waking from sleep and thinking that the friend you once had might still be there. Many have a better life without, and some are wounded to the point where they struggle to put one foot in front of the other.
I doubt you can tell who you are anymore AH. You've got to know who you are again before you make this decision. Some, off the bat, just know. My guess is that you're a fixer. It's your profession. You see a problem and you fix it. Right now your instinct is to 'fix' the problem but you don't even know what's wrong so your knee jerk reaction is to leave. It's what you think a strong man would do but it is hard also to walk away from a problem. You know that might not 'fix' it so you're looking for some way to get it all back the way it was before.
It won't go back there. You won't go back there. Even if you reconcile this event changes you. You have two options, come out of this and use the adversity to be a better man for YOU or you fall deeper until you hit bottom.
This is the time you redefine your life for you. Who do you want to be?
And until you can answer that question beyond a reasonable doubt, I would say to contemplate. If you can't protect your business and financial security, then I'd walk right now and rebuild with what comes out, but that's just me. Your kids are older, custody isn't such a big deal. Your kids and livelihood come first but your kids are older.
Did you WW do something terrible? Yes. Can people change? Yes. But they have to want to do that for themselves, not because of a fear of what they'll lose if they don't. That's the separating of assets in a fair manner now. She won't have to worry about what she will lose. It's takes out the guess work. That's the polygraph, as it will show you certain truths that you need to know.
Marriage can't be ownership. We don't own another person and we can't force our ideals on them. They have to want to be in it. You're sure that for two years she didn't want your family like that. She didn't want you like that. She wanted stable comfort from a safe man. And she got it. Now, fun guy is gone. Would she pick you again if she was really, truly free? Would you pick her? Or would she run back to what's known and safe? Is that what you're thinking of doing?
This storm in your mind will take a long time to wind it's way through. This storm in her mind will take a long time to stop. The clouds will clear, one day, and you'll see everything clearly. You're not there yet. And that's ok. Take your time to see it. When you know, you'll know, cliche as that sounds.
The non negotiable items are your future with your business and your kids. The rest... Take your time, or at least feel free to do that.
I can say this. By the time my divorce was final my exWW still didn't get it, at all. When I even talked about divorce she ran back to AP. At the end, she even said, "AP thinks you and I could be together.". I say this because even after a year of gut twisting pain, she still didn't get it. And she had no fight in her. She also quickly moved on to the next flavor of the week. She is chasing happiness that she doesn't have in her. That's what I saw at the end; a very sad person desperate for love and approval no matter where it came from. A scared child of a person wanting anyone to tell her it would be ok. I was sad for her. But it's also dangerous.
Your WW may be any number of things. But you probably want to see what it is. It'll give you calmness and the questions of "what if" might not keep you up as much at night if you take your time and you're sure of your choice.
Or you might sleep soundly with divorce. Again, no shame, no camps, no encouragement to do either thing. You have to live for you and it's going to hurt either way. A lot. We can be here to listen, but you have to make the call. Play it how you want to, just protect yourself and give yourself enough grace to know it'll hurt either way, and that's ok.
