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I got message saying other side wants to mediate quickly since we are both living in same house and to allow for both parties to feel better not seeing each other everyday.

My advice, having dealt with a narcissistic ex in my divorce, is that if you and your lawyer can come up with a settlement you feel is fair and can live with and your lawyer can write up an agreement that indemnifies you from any financial wrongdoing your wife may or may not be involved in, then you should go ahead and get this thing done and over with ASAP. Sure, you could go for a protracted fight, but dealing with a narcissist, it’s better to let them “think” they are getting away with something and meanwhile you walk away without having to deal with them so much.

My lawyer was the better lawyer of the two, and my ex’s lawyer did not want to go to court against mine. In addition, my ex treated his own lawyer terribly, which I think also helped me. My ex really didn’t want to go to court and have his financials closely examined, so we used that to get me a good settlement. I did better than my lawyer expected because I kept my head down and didn’t poke the narcissist. My recommendation would be to read as much as you can about dealing with narcissists and use what you learn to your advantage. They are pretty simplistic egotistical assholes.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 10:34 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:41 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I would say the incidence of personality disorders among cheaters is fairly dramatically higher than in the general population. I think we may get a somewhat distorted view of the incidence if we look at the wayward section here, as these are, at least allegedly, folks looking within.

The qualities neccessary to cheat long term line up with the characteristics of the disordered.

The qualities neccessary to cheat long term line up with the characteristics of the disordered.

Think selfishness, need for external validation (= insecurity) and deficiency in empathy. All are hallmarks of Cluster-B disorders.

After she was served, ex came back to the house and tried to live in the house periodically. I will admit that it was very difficult at times seeing her. There were times that spent the nights at friends’s houses or went to a hotel. If it wasn’t for last child still in the house, I probably would have moved out.

But you still have young kids and it seems to me that you need to stay there for custody issues. You, with the nanny corroborating your info, need to be there to document her behavior, ie, going out at night when kids are home, drinking, etc. Plus, it seems to me that if you move out, her bf will move in quickly.

Sorry, but seems to me that you are stuck there until you get a custody agreement in place and find a new place. My advice is spend as much time with the kids as possible! Play with them, Help them with school work, whatever. Basically focus all your attention on them. If she is in the same room, JUST IGNORE HER!!! If it’s just you in the room and she walks in, you walk out. Ghost her as much as possible!!!! Tell her that any communication about the kids needs to be via text, even if you are both in the house at the moment. All other topics need to go to your lawyer!!!!

After the kids go to bed, you go to your bedroom as well and call it a night. If they go to bed relatively early, adjust your schedule so that you go to bed early as well, and just wake up early and get some early morning exercise. Just a suggestion.

Do you want the house?

If not, have you started looking for a new place?

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As for your question about cheaters having mental health issues......

While that may be the case for some, I believe that in most cases it is a nice excuse after the fact, and rationale used by the cheater and their family/friends for asking you to give them a second chance. “You should give her another chance. It’s not her fault that she has an illness. She’s sick!! Would you abandon her if she had cancer? This is when she needs you the most. What happened to your promise of loving and being there for her ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’? Well this is now the ‘worse’ and she is ‘sick.’ She needs you now more than ever before”. (And yes, this was said to me. Although I did paraphrase it.)

While there are some cases of mental health issues, I think it is just a tiny fraction of cheaters. I think that we, the betrayed, only discover their true personalities (selfish/self-centered/insecure/Overly flirty/promiscuous) after we remove the rose-colored glasses that we put on years before because we were in love, and finally see them for who they truly are!!! The possibility of a mental health issue is very often just a rationalization after the fact.

Simply put, healthy people, mentally and physically Healthy people, can make horrible decisions and do horrible acts! If not, we wouldn’t need jails, just mental hospitals. And mental health has not reached a point where it is an exact science. You can’t take a blood test to determine the existence of a mental health issue. There is a great deal of subjectivity in that field.

So again, mentally and physically healthy people do make horrible decisions and commit horrible acts!!!!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:03 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Questions like best way to divorce a narcisstic and tricks for living with your WW during the divorce process are good ones to post in the Divorce forum of SI. I know many people have experience in those areas.

Once I know the status of divorce, I will move back into parents house for a few months while I search for another house near the childrens school and recover.

Do you know what you want when it comes to custody of the kids?

It seems like you have a strong argument for majority of custody with her ignoring the kids, consistently going out at night or staying home and getting drunk, as long as the nanny backs you up

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:41 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I see you live in Texas. In my state, I was able to obtain joint legal and physical custody. The exWW did agree to those conditions. I would have fought tooth and nail if she didn't agree to it. Our households were close by. My three-year-old son would spend half the time with me and half the time with the exWW spouse. We had a schedule which the exWW seldom stuck to, but we did make it work in the long run. It took cooperation and controlling any negative feelings on my part. My son turned out fine and I was able to be a real father to him, not just someone who saw him on alternate weekends.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:51 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Doesn’t seem like she will be able to keep the act going for long run. You may find that two or three months after everything is finalized, she will either ask you if you want to spend more time with the kids, ie have them sleep/stay at your place, or will tell you that the nanny isn’t enough ang she needs more help.

Ask your lawyer about deposing all the nannies.

And while I’m sure your lawyer is on top of it, you might want to ask him what happens if ex wants to move

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 1:07 PM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Unfortunately, joint custody is simply a reality of divorce. Ultimately, it is in the best interests of the kids to have an equal presence of both parents in their lives.

However, if there is sufficient evidence that she is not a fit parent, you could argue for more time. But it's very hard to do it. And the very mention of that to your WW could cause her to fabricate false allegations about you.

DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT.

Tough it up and stay put. If you leave before the divorce is final she could allege that you abandoned your family. Quite common.

Be the REAL stable parent your kids need. If she's acting, she'll slip up eventually. You need to document that.

Typically it's 50/50 shared custody. If she wants more, she'd have to negotiate for more. The more likely scenario is that you'd get 50/50. Then later on she'll go back to her deadbeat mom life. After which you could try to get more custody time showing that you are the more stable, providing parent.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:42 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Just let her know ‘After I get legal advice’.

One day at a time

Please be sure to put in custody agreement about her moving away w/ kids.

My friend (male) win a huge court battle after his D. His wife was the cheater. She D him. Joint custody. She wanted to move to opposite coast W/ kids. 6 hour flight away. Big fifty battle and he won. So the new H ( her AP) went to the opposite coast and she had to stay on the east coast w/ kids.

She made the XH (my friend) pay for it. She called cops on him over cell phone of kids. Charged him w/ theft. Tried to have him arrested. She was a piece of work. Tried to turn kids against him.

Had the issue of moving been in custody agreement the court case would not have happened. Not him spending six figures on lawyers to fight the XW.

I posted this earlier and it bears emphasizing:

The texting is a very sensible thing for her to do and is actually worrying. It indicates she’s getting advice from someone and is tactically savvy. Your best bet is to match it with your own comparable texts. It’s important for you to journal your days, time and activities with kids and so on.

At court (or with the attorneys) you can expect her to pull out documentation “proving” that she has to take care of all the children’s issues and “proof” that she’s spending time with them, brushing their teeth, taking them to school and whatever. You need to have your own journals outlining what you are doing for the kids on a daily basis.

Don’t fall into victim-mentality. Texas divorce does NOT automatically do 50/50 and the kids live with the mother. The kids live with the prime-caretaker to-date or – if they are +12 in age – with the parent they chose to live with if both competent.

Yes – this generally IS the mother. That’s because the typical family-structure is a stay-at-home mom while the kids are very young and then a part-time working mom. The wife tends to be the prime-caretaker and therefore tends to have an advantage regarding custody and the kids. But it’s not a given.

Proving her incompetent for custody is extremely hard and unless she’s been committed, diagnosed by a professional or has been sentenced then I wouldn’t bother going that route.

I don't know if this was a Nar rage or just your WW getting her ducks lined up. I agree with the above poster. It sounds like she is being told what she needs to do to prove that she is the primary caregiver.

She is hitting all the bases to make it appear that she let's you know what's going on with the kids and you pay. "School bill, piano bill, 3 k bunkbed along with all the small clothes items.and birthday items...and health insurance. Trying to make it look like you don't know what's going on ... just pay the bills.

She is also setting you to look unreasonable via her texts - "We need to be civilized for the kids"

She's created a papertrail.

If it's about the kids and finances you really do need to respond. It can be as simple as "I need to talk to my lawyer about this will get back to you by COB... Or getting the truth documented. I"ve always taken care of the kids school,lessons... bills on my own and will continue to keep them up to date. Surprised at your sudden involvement in all of this (Ok don't do that one -- she a Narc and it will really set her off.)

Anyway, she is following her lawyers advice and it looks like she wants full custody. I really hope you get the nannies involved and anyone else that can prove how little interest she had in the kids prior.

She’s likely looking for primary caregiver in order to maximize the amount of child support you would have to pay her. It has nothing to do with her actually wanting to have the kids.

As others have said before, document everything. Also, I think there is software out there that helps parents coordinate child issues and communicate. It might be something for you to look into (and another poster might have more info on).

Hope your lawyer appointment goes well today.

How did you talk with the lawyer go today?