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Sorry mate but this is why you've got 74 pages of comments and advice so quickly.

Sorry 75.

Her explanation is that she didn’t mean to cuckold me she didn’t even think about it. She said that I did all of his HVAC work and that wasn’t any different. She claims that they didn’t have sex that day

Well, a four year old could figure out the HE DID MEAN TO CUCKOLD YOU AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOU, and she went right along with it. And you believe that after he wrote that that she refused him sex???

I hope you are smarter than this.

There's a potential poly question

"Did you fuck him that day"

i know what Id bet on.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 3:39 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

It doesn't matter if they had sex that day or the next. That was just plain evil to do a person like that.

Her explanation is that she didn’t mean to cuckold me she didn’t even think about it. She said that I did all of his HVAC work and that wasn’t any different. She claims that they didn’t have sex that day.

This explanation just falls flat. If this is all she has to say on the matter, then there is not much to move forward on. I would hope she would address this more fully and apologize for what she did.

Ah

Im not sure you are seeing this properly , how you got there or fixed the heater isnt the unforgivable part

The unforgivable part is when he was humiliating you ( in your absence) your wife didnt protect you. She was quite ok with her rich lover saying he was the valued sex partner and you? just the schmuck who shines his shoes and offers him your warm wife.

Im sorry but please do see this for what is , this is not cheating its eviscerating your husband .

if you can R after knowing this you are a saint . If you are trying To not acknowledge this its probably a defense mechanism , quite understandable , trauma fks everyone up ...just hang in their till your brain kicks in and dont make any decisions . Good decisions take a clear mind

[This message edited by siracha at 4:18 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

She claims that they didn’t have sex that day

This is an absolute lie and shows you exactly the kind of person you're dealing with.

Im sorry but please do see this for what is , this is not cheating its eviscerating your husband .

Exactly.

AHGuy, this is among a set of reasons I'm divorcing my wife. My WW committed adultery, but she went further and did it in our home. And she did it after I'd already confronted her with phone and text records. I hadn't seen the actual texts yet, just that they were calling and texting each other constantly. I confronted her with this, then she DARVO'd me, convinced me I was falsely accusing her of having another relationship, invoked an in-home separation and then invited the AP over to our home for sex while I was out of town on a business trip.

It's this level of gaslighting and disrespect that is so toxic.

Your situation is different, but in both cases the WW's decided to do something that was next-level toxic.

It's "forgivable" in that you need to move on as a human being. Just not with her in your life. Get it?

She claims that they didn’t have sex that day.

Not buying that for a second. I think she's rewriting history.

It doesn’t matter if they didn’t have sex that day, they still had it there. And the only reason they had it there because you fixed the heater. This was a display of power by the OM and it probably turned her on. This behaviour is common in men like him, doing another man’s wife and getting off on it. I was thinking about this and remembered an old poster Donegone. He came across his wife and OM in a restaurant and joined them. She introduced him as a childhood friend. The om played footsie with the ww and disparaged the BS. Before this it was an EA but for the WW it became the turning point to make it a PA. She gaslit him for a long time, made him out to be a jealous Husband. The truth was in her phone and laptop. I don’t think they reconciled and he became fwb with om’s wife. But the whole point was that this is how some of these OM work, they put the BS down to get off. Your ww was a willing partner and till she does not acknowledge it she remains broken.

IIRC, on vacation, they were texting. She was assuring him she wasn't having sex with you,and he told her not to give you "any pussy," and she reassured him she wasnt.

Obviously he enjoyed one upping you,and humiliating you behind your back. And not only did she encourage him, she participated.

This right here and the heater incident would be a very tough pill to swallow. I know you can't make up your mind right now AH, and thats okay.

IIRC, on vacation, they were texting. She was assuring him she wasn't having sex with you,and he told her not to give you "any pussy," and she reassured him she wasnt.

Obviously he enjoyed one upping you,and humiliating you behind your back. And not only did she encourage him, she participated.

When you start evaluating everything, I hope it includes making the WW take a poly. You do have questions that need to be answered if you ever plan on R.

IIRC, on vacation, they were texting. She was assuring him she wasn't having sex with you,and he told her not to give you "any pussy," and she reassured him she wasnt.

Obviously he enjoyed one upping you,and humiliating you behind your back. And not only did she encourage him, she participated.

yes it was a response to her complaining about me working during my vacation and she lied to him too because we had sex multiple times that week.

other similar incident is when our trip to Jamaica got canceled he was very happy and told her he didn't want her to go with me because it made him jealous and promised to take her all over the world. they were other smaller comments but t least they didn't have a nickname for me somehow they nicknamed OBS DORA.

BUT she loves you! Sorry. I wish everyone would stop focusing one one or two egregious events. There were 600 days of lies, omissions, and snark about you. That is the issue here.

can you believe that I can't answer your question with confidence? I don't know.

Yes, I believe it because your heart is true, and true hearts don't turn easily.

let me explain, I do want to know everything don't get me wrong. but at first I wasn't in state of mind to want to talk to her at all,now I just couldn't find an appropriate circumstances to ask her those question, how can bring it up while I'm discussing the possibility of separation and D, hey I want you to agree on a separation and by the way tell me how many times you slept with him, it just doesn't seem to me to be appropriate.

Forget "appropriate"! There is only what you need, and when you need it. You tell her what you think you need.

Whether it is knowledge or whatever, if she truly means what she says about doing anything to "make it right" (which is impossible and I don't believe her based on her behavior.) then you should ask anytime.

I honestly believe that despite whatever you may convey, stoicness, etc. You are in reality too nice of a guy.

Be a little selfish, be a little mad. It will help you make progress, and get what you need.

Got it on the ffff pad story.

AHguy is now drinking the koolaid.

Wifey decides to start with the very worst thing (that ahguy knows to date) and tells the biggest lie first.

If she can get him to drink that flavor or Koolaid, he'll drink ALL flavors of the koolaid.

So the POSOM garbage rich creep talks about banging her right, thanks to hubby, and they didn't have sex (after she scams hubby into leaving her off at a good pickup location and she jumps on text to POSOM.. ok, all clear).

Ok, Got it.

By the time this story is done, they'll be sitting with the pastor, holding hands, elevating WW to saint material, reassuring all that she did it all for the good of their marriage, as Jesus takes the wheel again.

Whew, wow, this is really ffffing thick.

I was starting to think this WW was coming around until she tried to sell this whopper.

What flavor is the Koolaid. I'd like to know in case I have to use it on someone else sometime.

[This message edited by rugswept at 8:23 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Your wife is 100% lying to get you to keep her around. She gave you plenty of ideas for poly questions. She is definitely banking on you believing her, feeling bad for her and not making her do a poly.

Give this guy a break. He's not drinking the KoolAid. He's trying his damnest to process an impossible situation. He's wise to entertain and explore the idea that she might be telling the truth.

That being said, I really, really don't believe that they didn't have sex that night. Why would he say all those things to her after you left? I believe that she didn't see it as a cuck thing to do... sometimes women don't think that way. She probably knows that this perceived cuckold situation, however, is the most likely thing to sway you towards a D. It's in her best interests that you believe they didn't have sex that night.

You're a good dude, and your story has obviously resonated with a lot of people. But man, you need to get the full story. You need to know the full scope of this A, and her mindset towards you and your M during this time. You need to know if this was her only A. You need to ask her the hard questions. She's still trying to control the narrative. I believe she's trying, she's starting to get it, and she may even be on the way to being remorseful. But most of us have a hard time believing they didn't have sex right after you left that house. Get your answers, and good luck.

[This message edited by Fenderguy at 9:28 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

How are negotiations going?

What have you agreed to?

What are the sticking points?

What they did is so disgusting!!!! I believe that you have gotten such a strong reaction because their acts are so over the top!!! The only thing that I could think they could have made it worse is if they surprised you one time and restrained you and forced you to watch them f_uck in your own bed!!! They deserve each other!!!!!! Tell her to make up with POS and vanish from your life!!!

Good luck and stay strong

I promise you will get through this and that the other side is AMAZING!!!

There is now so much transference going on in this thread that it is starting to sound like people are getting upset with AHGuy for wavering on the fence.

I get that we all want to look out for AHGuy and most of here are dealing with our own crap that we want to protect him. But man we gotta stay objective and leave the emotions out of it.

This is AHGuy's journey and he has to make the final decision. And 95% of us wavered on the same fucking fence, so give the guy some slack.

Take as much time as you need. Hell I spent 4 years hoping I would feel different about my WW but in the end I did not want to be a private investigator the rest of my life. That and she could not stop lying to me.

Well said ^^^ Ichthus

One day at a time

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