SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to let her go but at the same time I'm resenting the thought of her being with someone else.

yes I do love her and she does have a good side, but I'm unable to be definite about D or R. I know I'm taking forever it's already approaching 2 months since I discovered her infidelity. I wish it was as easy for me as it was for you to just accept it and move on with your decision.

The first point you make was where I wallowed for way too long. I just couldn't give up the love of my life. No one really can. That's a thought I think you need to rid yourself of before making your path really clear. It holds you down.

As to your second point, you're still only 2 months in. Many people here take years before they really reach the point where they are certain what is right & best for them.

I've said this before, but time is your ally. You don't need to make a decision now or anytime soon. Just let things settle out in your mind.

For those who dismiss the email and say that it is all just words and you need to see action I'd really like to know what action would be enough? I'm not advocating either way here. I've told AHG to do what he thinks is right in his heart but that I felt like the email was a sincere look at his WW's current state of mind. Others have dismissed it as yet another manipulation. Just wondering for those in that camp what would constitute genuine remorse to you?

Of course you still love her AH. You don't turn love off and on like a light switch. The trust is gone and the pain of everything she's done is still with you and will continue to be with you for a long time.

Very true. The love you feel for this woman cannot be turned on and off like a switch.

And your WW can't turn off her feelings for her AP the same way.

It takes time in both instances. This leads me to believe that her latest email is just word salad at this time, probably more so from guilt and shame than a feeling of remorse, or perhaps even the shock of being caught and confronted, more so a concern for herself than a concern for AH's pain. She needs to back this up with solid actions to be believable.

What actions has WW taken to help heal AH? She wrote this latest email, any other actions?

WW is just trying to deflect consequences and responsibility for her own actions and behavior as evidenced by her reference to God in her email.

Its human nature to want your ww to have that epiphany, that moment of clarity where she realizes you were the right choice all along. It is a validation of who you are and that you are the better choice. We crave that karma moment when they feel the weight of the pain they caused not by having something equally bad happen to them but by feeling the loss you feel and understanding its true gravity.

Maybe your ww is there now, i could pull statements out of her message, read between the lines through my own filters, interpret the hidden meaning and argue, but does it matter? What if she is?

If she is there, incompletely remorseful can you unring that bell? Can you look at yourself in the mirror 5 years from now and accept what you read? Can you live with her knowing what you know?

Hey again friend,

Here's what I did. I watched. I found out a huge chunk of my marriage was a lie one day about two year ago. I still loved her. I had been in love with her for more than a decade. We had kids. When I found out I completely fell apart. I had suspected things over the years, but never had any logical reason to suspect it. She was damn good at subterfuge.

I had a plan cooked up to win her back. It fell apart six months later when she had continued contact with the last AP and then refused to take a polygraph. I debated for a little longer just keeping the marriage as a business arrangement for children, but ultimately I just couldn't do it. Call me weak, or someone that gave up, but realistically I didn't. She did, and forced me into a decision.

I watched her actions, that's all I had to go on. Her words meant nothing. I threatened divorce and she ran back to her AP. I had an answer. After the divorce, she dumped her AP and found a new love in a matter of months. In a sick way, I had an answer. She did not love me. And it felt good to know. She just did not love me. What she wanted was the safety of our family. In a way, I wanted that as well, but I just couldn't stay with someone I did not trust. It was slowly killing me.

Call it fate, but I was divorced, to the day, one year after I found out. Has it sucked at points? God yes. I've had panic attacks where I pass out... But those are gone. Do I still have flashbacks and some forms of PTSD? Yup.

But I also have some great things. I got a new job that pays more. I got in shape. And I started to respect myself more. I was kinder to myself.

You're looking for that enduring love, that indestructible love, the passion but also the security and comfort of love. You're worried that what you have with your WW is transactional. Like if a better thing comes along, and she's pissed off, that she will bolt. And you want some sort of test that if you make this investment in her again that she won't hurt you. You're looking for an answer, or an excuse, to know what the right thing to do is in this situation to where it hurts less.

The easy answer to this is that there is no answer to the pain. Divorce comes with its own pain. Staying together comes with its own pain. There's no really good road that won't hurt walking down it.

If I had anything to say it would be to give it time, distance and watch how she responds. But, in doing so, you have to protect your financial interests. You don't want to have to rebuild more than you have to. So, no matter what, I would split finances and protect your business, be that in a divorce or a separation agreement with a predetermined property distribution. Divorce decrees are the best way to do that, but there may be other options.

The best determination of what love is is to see what happens when all of the safety is stripped away and two people are walking on their own. I wanted someone to want me for me, not what I provide or for some alternative reason. Real love... It's what we want.

Your WW was getting her fun and excitement with the other guy but unwilling to give up what you provided too. Double dipping, so to say. What you provided is valuable to her to the point where she doesn't want to walk away, but what you provide isn't YOU. You provided respectability, financial security, a strong man to protect. But she didn't value you for the qualities you value in yourself. The only way to know for sure is to separate those two things out. You can still be married and work on a relationship doing that and protecting your interests.

Also, another thing, two years is a long time. It typically takes a relationship a half life to die. Some can walk away quickly, but others cannot. Would you be able to walk away from infatuation that quickly? Probably not. So don't expect much from her now. It's not possible.

What is possible, from this day and time, you can start being you again. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Find a way to smile that does not involve something in this situation.

Quick divorce works for some and not for others. Reconcilation works for some and not for others. You should take every measure to protect yourself now that you can. You should invest in YOU for YOU. The pain of those does not go away for a long time. If you know in your heart divorce is right, then go for it. But, as someone that did it, there's still a lot of pain even now. If reconcilation is a possibility do not be ashamed of it. There's no harm in trying it so long as you protect yourself financially and professionally. Even if you don't, there's no shame in whatever your decision is. You have to see that what matters here is you. There's no real marriage to invest in anymore. There's just tomorrow. And it would be a shame if tomorrow you didn't smile about something. A sad day is a wasted day.

You are doing well with protecting yourself. I know you still love her. I did too. Ultimately, it's time that will show what's true.

If marriage and fidelity become important to her, even if you divorce she will be there waiting for you. If she moves on then she really didn't care anyway and she was just there for safety.

Communicate what you want and what you are doing with her. Be kind to her. She is hurting too, but be firm in what you are doing and let her know why. If you say you want a divorce and to try again later, then see what happens afterward once she's free. That might tell you all you need to know. Or keep going and thinking. No judgement, no shame, just encouragement to find your own happiness.

AH your biggest issue right is that you are unable to accept who your wife really is versus who you though she was and who you would like to believe her to be. There is a big difference between who your wife really is and who you think she is. Your wife has shown you who she really is. Without question she has been showing for the last 2 years.

That is very succinct. I get it you love her. Of course you do, but that is no longer who she can ever again be.

Every hour, of every day, of every week for two (?) years she chose to throw you away. This wasn't because of things you were or weren't doing, or your work or hers. It wasn't because of the fun the two of you were or weren't having. It was because she saw this man and desired him, desired him above you. What he has, what he was, how he presented himself. It was because she wanted this life with him. (Still believe she was out the door until she found out about his other side pieces) That is the person she has become, she has show that to you.

I'm a very family, down to earth kind of guy. Farm, pickups, guns, kids, sweetheart, love.

Born Here, Live Here, Die Here kind of guy...I think you are too. So you will get it when I say what will be the consequences for her actions when you walk back into church with her? When you are both out seen with each other at the movies, dinner, etc. She dodges a bullet or in her mind, she wins. You on the other hand get to order your usual, a shit sandwich with extra corn.... GOD FORBID some guy does this to your daughter, what do you tell her?

I don't understand that if a marriage was so bad that only having an affair was means to an end of dealing with it, then when it has been completely obliterated and is at it's worst possible state, by the actions of the cheater, it is now suddenly the most precious thing on the planet to them.

Also, another thing, two years is a long time. It typically takes a relationship a half life to die. Some can walk away quickly, but others cannot. Would you be able to walk away from infatuation that quickly? Probably not. So don't expect much from her now. It's not possible.

And this is another reason why it’s in your best interests to get away from her. She felt entitled to it and she’s likely still harboring strong feelings for the AP. W

Why should you have to expend one iota of energy on her? Don’t lift a finger.

There’s no need to be cruel, but all this talk of how much she’s hurting is a bit much. You don’t need to and shouldn’t have to coddle her. She’s a midlife adult who made willful decisions over and over and over knowing full well the consequences.

She has a sad? Boo boo.

As for people asking what she should be DOING, well for starters she could STOP writing these wheedling self serving emails pumped full of random God references. By this point she could have written out a timeline and disclosed everything. She could have taken an STD panel. She could have signed up and taken a polygrapj. She could have found a betrayal trauma specialist for IC instead of the manipulative gambit with the pastor. She could have written an unqualified NC letter. She could have found an Atty to draft a post nup for AH and offered that up — just for starters.

Beyond that, let her figure out what she should do.

Instead she’s been sitting around feeling sorry for herself and threatening to fight him over the house, triangulating their kids, and then occasionally firing off a guilt tripping missive to him.

She’s smart enough to cover up a two year relationship behind her husband’s back. I’m sure she’s intelligent enough to figure this out too.

Not our job. Not his job. That’s her job. If she can’t or won’t do anything besides screeching at him about how he’s not looking for solutions or writing yet another weepy word salad, well there’s your answer.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:06 AM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

AH

I shared only part of my story because I was angry the way your wife was coming across. It brought me back to the place where I was when I first found out and I felt like metaphorically burning down the house. Your wife wasn't being a good candidate for R and I said the fastest way out of pain was D, in my opinion. Well she might be becoming a better candidate for R. MIGHT! Yes the gift of "one and only " is gone and I know what that means. As have struggled with that and then for me the STD, that made me miss out on sex on our honeymoon,and so many times,the missing out on the the birth of our first son (from the STD). I can tell you that it has been a good life with my wife. Was at my daughters birth and for our second son not only was I there, I cought him cut his cord and got him crying to breath. (home birth) My wife has had to put up with my bad times and feel the shame and ask for forgiveness again and again. I love her and I give it to her. It doesn't happen that often but like last year when we went to the event that the POSOM was at, I actually went up to him and shook his hand. Now yes I was feeling like I wanted to take him out and bury him in a deep grave. But all in all, I got the better deal. He is alone looks like sh** and I have had more than 30 years of the love I now trust. She can't change the past and neither can I, but I have the one I love and so does she. What we have built together is strong and I would say it is worth it. Again I don't like the sh** sandwich I have had to eat but still, I would say that it has been worth it.Again when I put my hart in God's hands I do better. I don't know what is best for you. I pray God's wisdom for you. Strength to you brother.

For those who dismiss the email and say that it is all just words and you need to see action I'd really like to know what action would be enough?

All the work any WS who wants reconciliation should be doing. Otherwise I suppose all WS should just write a pretty email, and the BS who want R should just consider them reconciled?

Has she been tested for stds? Has he seen the results from the doctor?

Has she told him she will answer all of his questions, for as long as he needs to ask them?

Since she says she has been reading about how to heal from this, has she said she knows it will take years to heal?

Has she given him full transparency? Does he have passwords for everything?

Has she run a recovery on her phone,and given him a printout of all messages and pics?

Has she scheduled, or taken a polygraph?

Is she in IC?

Has she stopped blaming her journey away from God for her behavior?

What is she doing to work on her anger and defensiveness?

Has she been digging deep to figure out why she really cheated?

Etc,etc.

As for true remorse..I believe it takes a WS months to reach true remorse. She has no idea how much damage she has caused. And truthfully, neither does AH.

I think she is regretful. I believe she is sorry. Now, whether that is because of how it has hurt her husband remains to be seen. I do believe she is sorry her kids know,and look at her differently. I believe she is sorry for how this is affecting her. I believe she is sorry she is leaving a job she loves. I believe she is sorry that extended family knows. I also believe she is sorry to find out she was used by OM.The only way to really know if she is sorry she hurt her husband, and wants to reconcile for the right reasons, is if AH attempts reconciliation.

I think the email is a decent start. But,again,words mean shit. Actions are all that matters.

We tell betrayed wives in this forum every day, to stop listening to their husband's words and watch their actions. I see zero reason that shouldn't apply to betrayed husbands.

Hi friend,

You fear someone else having her and it causes you to want to keep the marriage going. It's part of that 'reclaim' instinct. It's part of the savior instinct. I can put this all back together and be happy. If I don't, she might escape to another man. Then I'll never be happy since I'll never repair it.

That's wrong, to an extent.

Here's what helped me.

In those early days I had that fear... 'what if someone else gets her?' Well, let's break that down. Someone did. And you were ok during that time, it just hurts now because you know about it. It's forced you to confront some ugly truths. There's a stranger in your midst. And you love that stranger, in some fashion. You're clinging to her to stop the pain, and you're worried what happens if she escapes.

The part that helped me was this thinking: She already escaped. I was OK. I will be OK again. She's been having sex for years with other people, what do I care if she does it some more? She's fallen in love with someone else already, what do I care if it happens again?

I wanted some sign of actual devotion. Devotion isn't ownership. I can't enforce my loyalty on her, and I can't be her prison guard. Loyalty is her choice to make, not mine to make for her. When I threatened divorce, and when I filed for divorce... I saw no fight. There was nothing left in her. She wanted out, but didn't want to leave the security of our relationship or be the bad guy for ending it. My guess, she was going to end the relationship in a few years, on her terms, when she wouldn't be the monster. I set her free. In a sick way, I wanted to see who she really was.

I had to meet her for a thing a couple of months after the divorce. One of her first comments to me was "I'll never be in another monogamous relationship again." Now, I knew before that point she didn't love me, that she hadn't loved me for years, and likely didn't know what love was. It just underlined it again. When she said that, it just made me feel sorry for her, but that's who she is. And then, a few months after that, she was in another relationship with another man. This time, I would guess monogamous. Who knows with her.

The point I'm making is this, in your mind you're afraid of something that's already happened. You're afraid of it happening again. Completely legitimate, but logically strange. You've been through it. You're still standing. You'll stand up if hit with this again. You've got it. There's nothing to fear. You've been through it before and woken up.

The real question is what do you want from here on out? Give it time to see who she becomes? Sometimes people need to touch the fire once and they stop. Others decided to do it again and again. I wonder which she is, and maybe you do too.

Fact is, she's an unknown, even to you. First thing is to secure your finances. You're doing well with that. Keep it up until you've got something concrete to protect you and your business. And then, focus on you. You can watch from the sidelines what happens to her mind. See who she becomes. You can't be there like a kid poking a sleeping animal with a stick, wanting it to do something. You can't be her instructor. You can't be her guard or leader. You've got to let her come to her own conclusions on her own time.

At the same time, you've got to find some way to be happy. It's like a huge cut or broken bone. If you keep picking at it, the progress is never fast enough. Get a cast or a bandage on it (securing finances), give it time to heal, and then ease into using it again.

Best advice I can give is to take a huge amount of you time, let your mind rest, and figure out your long term plans. This, of course, comes after securing finances.

You can't make her be someone different. She has to want to be someone different.

Beenthere, "I felt like the email was a sincere look at his WW's current state of mind".

"Others have dismissed it as yet another manipulation".

"I'd really like to know what action would be enough"?

I don't know about "manipulation", however for the email "being sincere"?

Best analogy I can give you is someone who has a drug problem. They may get to a point where people are pulling away from them (giving them tough love) and they start to feel consequences for fucking loved ones over. That said, just because they say (or in this case send an email) "oh I'm sorry" and say a bunch of other words that sounds like they FINALLY get it (the harm they've caused), but the only way to TRULY see if they get it is by their actions over an extended period of time.

Words are just that......WORDS!!!

I can say I am sorry to my wife, and my words can sound so heartfelt and genuine, but if my actions afterwards do NOT line up with my words what weight did the words have? NOTHING!!

Again just words.

So AH's wife sends an email to him and it sounds good? Ok great........but let's be clear....in NO WAY do those words indicate that she has now truly seen the light and displayed a changed "mindset".

How could it as it's only been a couple of months since DD and it doesn't suddenly show who and what she was for at least the past TWO YEARS.

TRUE change takes time and repeated display of actions. If after a couple of years the words line up with the actions, than and ONLY than, could it be clear that the mindset and heart has been changed.

The only way to really know if she is sorry she hurt her husband, and wants to reconcile for the right reasons, is if AH attempts reconciliation.

Actually filing for D or a formal legal separation would tell him much more efficiently and much more quickly. If she’s truly remorseful she’ll work every single day to win him back even after he’s filed for D. If she doesn’t, he’ll know very quickly. Then he doesn’t have to twist in the wind of painful limbo with her waiting to find out or hoping she’ll pull her head out of her ass.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:05 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

Good Post by Hellfire and I concur!!!

I believe the greatest hurt your wife is dealing with is the blow delivered by her AP when he said that she was only a cheap piece of ____.

Bigheart

AH

Your WW trough process has evolved since OBS DDay.

From “OM is a great guy living in a loveless marriage” and harboring lots of resentment to AH (Some real, but I believe most of it built in her head) and “I deserve much more better than AH”;

To: “OM is peace of shit that used me when I was living in a marriage I don’t want any more, so if AH doesn’t change I won’t R” and “I had an A because I deserve better, and AH must deal with it, I don’t mind if he is hurt”;

To finally reach the point of “I have destroyed not just my life but AH and my family, and I am the only one to blame”.

The thing is that I believe she can’t even recognize at this moment her true feelings, much more less what she was feeling during the affair and all the stages since DDay. So when she says that she always loved you, I think she believes it, but it doesn’t match what she was really thinking in each phase.

With that said, one thing that has change in her last text is that, is not focused on her anymore!!! In it recognize your pain and the destruction she has done.

But one thing missing is if she was in love with you, if she is in love with you. She states she want her family witch means she want to erase all that part of her life, but it doesn’t mean her feelings for you are back!!! Maybe in time, she will be able to recognize the resentment she harbored against you were magnified in her head, and confirmed by badmouthing you exaggerating your flaws to other, were just ion her head, that maybe you were not perfect or even a not a good husband, but not as bad as she created on her own mind. But it takes time. Fall in love with someone also takes time…

She is realizing that you are the corner stone of all she is about to lose. You are not her pan A, your are not even he plan B, you are the guy that comes with the family she is losing and the face she is trying to save (to others, her family and her self). Thas why I believe she is changing jobs, she is not able to face the enabler, and people that supported her, because she doesn’t what to admit that AH was not that bad, and that she lied. Also doesn’t want to explain why the perfect life with Perfect OM is not going to happen, and OM is not that great guy she said to them, and they tough she was so lucky to have.

You can read all over SI, WW explaining the thought process and their feeling, for AP and BS, while the affair was on, right after DDay and months later. One similar fact is that in all answers is that in the A time what their were feeling seemed real, but out the fog they realize it was just a lie….I personally believe this is Bulls.. I have never experience feeling and after a while realize it wasn’t what I felt, maybe I was wrong, maybe it hurt, but it was real. Anyhow maybe be a good idea to take your question to I can relate section, in question for WW, so you can get WW opinions on your WW text. Just be sure to explain what you want: Her feeling for you during the A, or what she is thinks now her feeling for you were during the affair, two very different things!

In other hand, her world came tumbling down on warp speed, and with every big step down, her perception of you, OM, and her, has changed…But one thing she has always relay on till the last milestone (when you file for D). And that thing is you!! I believe your WW, and your kids, thought that you will be persuade to R. But the moment you took control of the situation, you gained clarity and a put weight off your shoulders (I believe you feel this way, don’t you?) while your WW faced her worst fear: Losing her family and the life she had, but for the last years contempted.

I think she took you for granted, even with you flaws as husband. From your posts I got the impression that you were 100% family oriented and a reliable carer of your family, WW included. And now she has lost her rock!!

Last thing, she is at the beginning of her journey and has just rise her head to see what is still to come.

The only way to really know if she is sorry she hurt her husband, and wants to reconcile for the right reasons, is if AH attempts reconciliation.

Or, the only way to really know if she won’t kill AH is if AH hands her a loaded gun

After what she has done, why would he consider reconciliation?????

Yes, he has been married to her for a long period of time and humans just don’t go from love to indifference by throwing a switch. Yes, he is and will continue to hurt. But the sooner he detaches, actually Puts distance between him and her, AND goes NC, the quicker he will heal and be able to move on with his life like any other healthy adult.

Limbo sucks!!!

My ex did some horrible things over a much shorter period of time, but she didn’t anything close to the continued disrespect that AH’s wife did to him! Of my ex did, I suspect that I would be the guest of a state run facility for an extended period of time!

It is perfectly fine to say that infidelity is a dealbreaker! Planning to divorce AH, run away with rich guy she was sleeping with for two years, disrespecting him in such horrible ways, constantly planning her next f_ckfest with her lover, the lies, and so on, and so, ARE DEFINITELY dealbreakers.

AH, I know this sucks, but you have made up your mind. Continue marching straight ahead and do what you must do, FOR YOU!!!!

She has told you who she is.

She has been showing you what she is for last several years.

Believe her!!!

You are obviously a man of high and strong character. Yes, this hurts, but keep moving forward, one step at a time. And the best step to take next is to go NC.

Good luck and stay strong.

You’ve got this

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 1:53 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

.

The only way to really know if she is sorry she hurt her husband, and wants to reconcile for the right reasons, is if AH attempts reconciliation.

I must desagree. The only way to know if she is really sorry and wants to be with AH, is to get D. If after lossing everything she still wants to be with AH, is because she loves him and wants him, other wise AH would never know if she is in R for him or other reasons.

AHguy: Based on what you posted it sounds like you're having second thoughts about going through with the D, that's normal, you still love her despite her huge betrayal, it's really up to you if you want to give her the gift of R or not, however it's always wise to make informed decisions and so far most of the info you have came from OBS and her efforts to learn the "truth", sorry to be blunt but so far you have NOT done much to learn your "truth", you know she changed her lifestyle "5-6 years ago" but you only have 2 years her LTA info and by her own admission she said she "grabbed the steering wheel of her life from Jesus (or something similar)" 3 years ago, so you have a huge gap of time that's unaccounted for, her words indicate there may be other instances of infidelity, we have mentioned the need for a polygraph, some of us have told you repeatedly to sit her down and ask her these "tough questions", the "stick your head in the sand" approach NEVER works, so again, whether you ultimately decide to D or R, it's best you make that an informed decision with as much info as possible, so I suggest you sit her down (don't do it by email/text) and ask her at least ask her these questions (of course you may add you own set):

1) Besides POSOM have you ever been unfaithful or had an inappropriate relationship with anyone else ? if so, how many times ? who and when ?. If not, any close calls ?

2) Have you ever had sex of any kind including virtual sex or french kissed anyone else besides POSOM after we were engaged and or during our M ?

3) Did you ever pressure POSOM to leave OBS so that you could marry him ? (we know they made plans which she dismissed as fantasy).

4) Did you seriously consider leaving me for POSOM ?

5) During your 2 year LTA and even after Dday, if POSOM had left his wife and proposed to you, would you have left me for him ?

6) Even though I still love you, I may still want to D, if so would you let me keep or buy you out of the house If I told you I would CONSIDER dating you within 2 years after the D? If so, would you promise to not date or have sex with anyone else during that time ?

7) Are you still lying and/or purposely hiding any information from me?

Tell her all these questions plus the ones you might add will be subject to a polygraph, and if there's a chance to R in the future, even after D, this is the time to come clean and be 100% honest, that regardless of her answers you would still consider R in the future (not guaranteed) but if more lies come up you would consider her to still be deceptive and not a candidate for R. If I was you without answers to these questions and verified by a polygraph, I would NOT even entertain the possibility of R at this point or EVER, once you have those answers you can make a much better informed decision.

I wasn't suggesting he attempt reconciliation. At all. I was simply answering the question that was asked.

AH, I get the feeling your wife is extremely competitive. More than a few times, she has asked you to "try her" when wanting you to give her a chance. I also get the impression she hates to lose. Just something to consider.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:27 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

...but I'm unable to be definite about D or R

Your options are more wide open than this. Remember, it is very possible to divorce her, let her work on her issues, date her, and reconcile with her way down the road if you see her begin to demonstrate true remorse and contrition: that is, when she puts your well-being before her own.

If she does get to that point, there is no reason the two of you cannot start dating again and build a new relationship. What the divorce does is it buries the old dead marriage for good. There is no going back to that marriage, but you and she could possibly build a new and much better and healthier partnership if you want to go that route. Ultimately you are the one who will decide.

AH part of your last post

yes I do love her and she does have a good side, but I'm unable to be definite about D or R. I

There's a few people who to me seem to be trying to PUSH you to their thinking

You are the only one who can see and listen to your wife when she has spoken to you with all the nuances which noone here is privy too

They only get your short version which you have told us the written word isn't your friend

I'm a guy who when faced with a problem let alone a life changing event would spend a lot of time and effort into making the right choice as best i could which will take TIME

It does worry me that you come across as someone who seems to want to get away from problems

If I'm unjust its what I've picked up wrongly from your posts