SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can you send a certified letter to be signed by that spouse? That can maybe assist with making sure she gets the message and he did not intercept it. Do not, I repeat, do not tell your wife you are doing that. Since she never actually responded to you, you can play dumb to knowing anything about a response at all. Send it certified and ASAP and keep it quiet.

I think I’m good on this topic. I’m convinced OBS got my message.

Maybe your wife is different, maybe she is the unfaithful unicorn who is truly looking out for your best interest. Odds are she is not, so be careful of putting too much stock in her words. How does it benefit her to tell you she told the guy she confessed? I'm sure she vowed no contact.

At this point assume your wife is in self-preservation mode.

I know this can be alot all at once, and so many voices coming at you with ideas and thoughts that you don't want to believe of your wife. You have to resist being closed off to these ideas.

Not trying to be closed off, I appreciate the input. I guess I just have to make some judgment calls and feel out reality. Honestly if she is lying to me about this, I think I just walk away. I think she needs to be that unicorn. I think I don’t have an immense amount of flexibility in that "integrity adjacent" area. I had it settled pretty strongly in my mind that I wouldn’t tolerate infidelity, I even told her that.

Got confirmation of months long EA including sexting and taking pictures for him in our bathroom and then coming back to bed with me.

There is probably a little more pain and discovery to come. We are here for you.

Sending strength.

She is working on the timeline, I think I’ll see it tomorrow.

Once you get the timeline, tell her you need her to take a polygraph. You might get a quick amendment to the timeline.

Getting the true picture can be a terrible experience.

I gave up and simply filed for divorce.

How did you know you weren’t getting the whole story?

She's a stay at home mom who hasn't been staying at home. That seems to be a pattern around here.

Make her get a job as a condition of attempting reconciliation. Full time and the best one she can get. Two reasons:

1. It will give her less time to indulge her "low self-esteem" and screw other men. This will help your marriage if you decide to stay.

2. If she has an income, this will reduce what you have to pay her in a divorce settlement.

Accept no excuses, no whining, no "but the kids...", no nothing. This one is non-negotiable and very important.

I just realized that OM was who we got our pet cat from, and it would have been after the sex. So now my son’s beloved pet is a reminder and potential trigger.

How did you know you weren’t getting the whole story?

Unfortunately, through many stories on this site, you will find this is typically, actually almost ALWAYS the case - even if there is a confession.

What you are finding out is that your wife is not who you thought she was. She cheated, and then lied for at least a year. You really shouldn't rely on her to be more forthcoming without you having to pull info from her. She will withhold info, sometimes in a planned/intentional manner, sometimes as a kneejerk reaction.

I’ve been peppering her with questions and her answers are credible in how awful they are. But not every answer is awful, so I don’t think she is hiding things that way.
But yes, the woman I thought I was married to couldn’t have done this.

Sorry about the cat, Inkhulk. Living with that kind of trigger is horrible.

You're doing great. Keep asking your questions. The comments here about there always being more is, painfully, almost always true. So keep talking, keep asking and keep insisting on the truth.

Above all practice radical self care. Get rest, nutrition, exercise and fresh air. See your doctor if you need help with sleep or depression. You are in one of the toughest emotional, spiritual and physical battles of your life. You need your wits. You need your strength. You're children need you. Nourish yourself in all ways.

Wishing you peace.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 3:11 AM, Wednesday, June 29th]

But also how do I keep from going tin foil hat conspiracy theory crazy?

I think the most helpful thing right now is to know what exactly you are supposed to be forgiving her. You need to ask her for a timeline.

A timeline is invaluable because you need to know what your reality is. Did the person to whom you are married step out once? Or was it a few surreptitious groping sessions and one bango in a car? Or did she dream about slipping into a mistress or wife type role? She should write her own timeline and describe how it unfolded. She should write the story for the purpose of allowing you to understand what the precise and exact steps into infidelity were.

The problem with asking for a timeline is that the very question causes permanent and irreversible amnesia.

Getting a timeline should be easier for you because before you ask for one, you can nail down certain dates.

When did she first hear about this hobby? I am the suspicious type and I don't know which came first. Did she meet him and hear about his hobby or did she learn about this hobby and meet him as a result?

Either way, that's the first date of the timeline. The next hard date is the ONS and another hard date is leaving with them as the nanny. The next hard date is DDay, when she confessed.

Once you have those, ask her to fill in the days or weeks with what she was thinking, how she could think that, what they talked about, where they saw each other and how they contacted each other. Who zoomed who. When, where and why it ended. What does she think he got out of it, what did she get out of it. Who else knew. Whatever you are curious about. Whatever you know you can handle knowing.

The timeline should be handwritten.

Another reason for this handwritten timeline is so if your WS ever tries to convince you she never kissed him, you have her handwritten words that she did. No more lies, fibs, omissions or sweet, soft half truths designed to keep you from being hurt more. If it ever comes out it was a longer affair, you have her handwritten words that remind you how much she lied.

Some think the timeline should be followed up with a poly.

I like the idea of her reading her own timeline out loud to you.

I'm sorry this happened and I hope your WS commits to making amends.

How did you know you weren’t getting the whole story?

I spied on her and her friend while they were drunk in a hot tub and she had no reason to minimize or deny. I found out this friend was in an A as well. It matched her timeline perfectly and she complained about him not fucking her.

Told three of the kids tonight (other is at a sleep over). Fucking heart wrenching. I know traumatic memories were just made in my children.

I know how she got into the hobby, it was from her great aunt. But she started doing it with two of our kids. The kids lost interest but she kept going. OM is someone she knew from high school and helped her a lot (it’s an equipment heavy hobby). With OM’s wife right there in the mix of everything and my trust in my wife I never thought anything of it. Even when she was confessing, she had said she cheated, but I honestly had no idea who she was going to say it was with.

Just to be clear, due to her trauma, you had a less than awesome sex life. Correct?

But her trauma did not get in the way of this...

Got confirmation of months long EA including sexting and taking pictures for him in our bathroom and then coming back to bed with me.

Did she ever in the history of your relationship, do this for you?

Unfortunately, as of iOS 11, I think, deleted text message recovery has been essentially completely disabled.

However, if you do have other devices, such as old phones, iPads, or iWatches on the same Apple ID, there is a good chance they might be synced, and if they are, and your wife was not tech-savvy enough to know to delete them, then they are still there. Messages and texts deleted from one device do not sync across other devices.

Also, if she has iCloud enabled, the messages, photos etc. might be backed up there.

***

Second, your wife is lying her ass off. She just... is. Because that is what cheaters do. Omit, minimize, and more. Despite whatever she has adminitted or you have forced out of her, she doesn't want you to know the full extent of her betrayal.

I think an error you are making is being a little too forthcoming with your actions and also too trusting in what she says.

I would hang back a little bit and monitor her without her knowing. After it simmers down a little bit, you might be quite surprised what you will find out if you put the right surreptitious monitoring in place.

Or if you are ready to divorce her, skip all of that and pursue that avenue.

Good luck.

I urge you, again, to insist on a polygraph. Minimally, tell your WW that her timeline will be subject to a potential polygraph. It may loosen her desire to hide pertinent information.