SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe he is - a she.

No excuse for hiding that in a dating relationship. I don't know a single trans person who would find this behavior acceptable. They'd call him out for that manipulative gaslighting bullshit.

There really is no possible reason for this behavior that makes it okay. The behavior is the problem, not whatever it is he's hiding.

I just read all the recent posts. Thank you so much for all your advice!

So, just do yourself the favor that I never did for me but constantly wish I would have--say goodbye to people who don't meet your needs instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel to fix it. Respect your needs without apology. Don't question yourself or doubt yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why something isn't working for you.

I think for many of us, trying to be 'good and fair' to others is our Achilles Heel. We're so worried about other people's feelings that we disregard and minimize our own. Don't do it. It only causes relationships filled with disrespect and unmet needs. You are worth more than that.

This really resonated with me. I think it's exactly what I've been doing. I feel guilty walking away from it, like I haven't been understanding enough or patient enough. Other than the sex stuff, everything had been great until recently.

While I was thinking about all this last weekend, I sent him a text (which I ran by a friend before sending) that basically said that I was hurt by his girlfriend comment and confused that he won't explain the sex thing to me. I told him that vulnerability cannot be one sided, and that sex was off the table for me until he could talk to me about it. He responded saying that he wanted to talk to me in person. We saw each other this weekend, but it was like it never happened. He didn't bring anything up. He stayed the night. We kissed and cuddled, but that's it. I didn't bring it up because my text was pretty clear that the ball was in his court.

The flirty girl came up too. I told him that I felt like he was ignoring me and paying attention to her. Granted, my timing for the conversation wasn't great because we were out in public. But when I asked him if he had a response, he said no. When I pushed, he said "I will never be friendly with another girl." I know that's huge gaslighting, and a huge red flag. I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself, and when I came back it was like the conversation had never happened. Total change of topic and laughing/happy.

So.... I've decided I need to end it. Now I just need to get up the guts and courage to do so. I see IC tomorrow, so hopefully that will help. I just wish I knew what his deal was. It's like a big puzzle. Until two weeks ago, I didn't even know he had female friends. It was part of what attracted me to him. I saw him as this somewhat sexually conservative guy who was supportive of women, and completely trusted him. Now I'm like...wtf? I just don't get it.

So.... I've decided I need to end it. Now I just need to get up the guts and courage to do so.

This is where you're being your own best friend. You don't deserve a lop-sided confusing relationship and you aren't going to allow anyone to treat you, the most important person in your life, like this. You are protecting your heart and doing right by you. This is self-respect and self-love. You can absolutely do it. If he has the guts to behave this way with you, you will find the guts to say "nope" to any more of that.

No guts required my friend. You deserve better. Know that, and know that being willing to walk away from someone who is not treating you the way you deserve is 100% badassness.

This dewd sounds like a messssss LG10. Oof. That toddler-esque "fine then I'll never look at another girl" bs... Ugh. My xwh did that kind of shit too. Like no sir, kindly grow up, remove your diapey, put on your big boy pants, and deal with crap like a grown human person. If you won't do that then take your toddler ass back to your momma cus I'm not interested in grown-ass toddler shenanigans

You got this lg10!!

and when I came back it was like the conversation had never happened. Total change of topic and laughing/happy.

Just want to add that this^^^ is a kind of manipulative disrespect. I'm intimately familiar with it. It's a tactic used to steer you away from what he doesn't care to explain, and if you persist, suddenly you're the bad guy for staying negative and poisoning the atmosphere. Disingenuous and intellectually dishonest with ample doses of passively conniving narrative gaming. You don't need this kind of sneaky obfuscating.

I hope for you the resolve to see ending this through.

Lonelygirl, your text to him sounded like it was a nice, polite summary of why this man's behavior feels off for you...you did a great job! Because his responses to you are so informative; I think he just showed you exactly how he will always deal with such expressions on your part...and that news is a huge red flag, isn't it?

Oh my, he does sound familiar with the minimizing and ignoring any appropriate response to you, electing to divert and switch gears instead (just like my Asperger's SAWH) but that is just not acceptable BF behavior.

I tend to work too hard to analyze other people's behavior, too. All my friends end up saying this about me; it's why I got my degree in Psychology, I think...the thirst for understanding. You don't want to waste time there, just set your boundary now that you have seen how he is going to handle this, and just believe things will become clearer after you do so. Some of us tend to self-doubt and dread what the other might think of us, yet we learn the hard way that's not being our own best friend.

I hope you can transition him out of your inner circle without the pain and disappointment that often comes with this, but there remain better fish in the sea.

I honestly believe, looking back on all of the people I've met and allowed into my life, that many people WANT to be confusing, ambiguous, hot and cold, up and down, and mysterious. Why? I guess because it allows them to play with people, be entertained by relationships, have the upper hand. I've met so many people like this--because of course I have!!! I just try to figure them out and help them be more straight forward instead of saying, "Ugh! What's up with this Bozo?!" and then distancing myself. I let them play their games.

Regrets.

This guy is intentionally sending you mixed signals--words that sound hopeful and actions that feel dismissive. Don't try to understand because he enjoys your efforts. He enjoys your pretzeling while he never brings up the difficult stuff, making you feel insecure, and rejecting you; your efforts feel very validating to manipulators like him. But who is validating you?

I'm sure he has a charming side, and I'm sure he does like you. But that's not good enough because he also has a manipulative side. There's nothing else to know. We don't keep those people around. He enjoys the chase and the games for whatever messed up reasons, but none of that knowledge really benefits you because he will not stop (hence the short relationships). So it's time to move on to situations in life that do validate your worth and respect you. You deserve that. We all do.

Try not to analyze him too much. It's an endless loop unfortunately. Try to instead fill your life with things you enjoy, things that make you feel happy. Making cupcakes, watching movies, lighting candles, taking baths, journaling, going for walks, and saying nice, positive things to yourself. You will never regret choosing self-respect over a continually manipulative relationship; you will only regret staying too long.

Best wishes! Be strong. You deserve happiness.

A green light for me is a partner or friend being able to talk civilly about very difficult things.

I am not sure it matters to me what the tough topic is. What matters to me is does the person I am in a relationship with have insight and can we talk things out and be honest with each other.

Ok, I just skimmed all three pages getting more and more alarmed. I am SO RELIEVED to see that you've decided to end this. Its been said multiple times already but a healthy relationship shouldn't leave you constantly confused. Girl, RUN!!!

Two relationship sayings / quotes come to mind:

"If a man likes you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll be confused."

Also

"He’s just not that into you if he’s not having sex with you."

The fact that he’s in his 30’s and not all over you, his partner (not gf) of several months? It will NEVER get better!

It really doesn’t matter what his issue is…micropeen, porn addiction, lack of libido. The two of you are not a match. Glad you decided to end things.

How are you LG10? How did the break up go? How are you feeling?

100% this is the best decision.