SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will be making the choice for her, saving her from making a hard decision. I will be the one outing her affair. Right now she has a weight on her shoulder. I don't want to remove it. I want her to remove it herself. I want her to make the right choice.

You will be making the choice for YOU and your self-respect.

You SHOULD be the one outing her affair.

She doesn't have any weight on her shoulders; in fact, she has less weight now that you know and have de facto given your blessing. You've given her permission to be a cake-eater.

If she was capable of making the right choice, she wouldn't have betrayed you already.

"being the man"

Standing up for yourself and demanding she adhere to the vows you took together has nothing to do with being a "man." Everyone in this situation should be absolutely intolerant of infidelity.

Sadly, this is what I see. They are going to leave you and the OBS and live together. All the rest of it is just noise. She is looking at what to do about your child but that won’t stop her.

Please get yourself ready for this. I don’t know a single woman who stayed in her marriage after she began an affair.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. No bs can figure out the way a ws acts. It’s so nuts! You are trying so hard to control the outcome but she hasn’t even slowed down.

See a therapist to help you through this.

In addition to many members here that have stayed after engaging in an affair, I personally know my WW and three other women still in marriages after an A got exposed (by me, captain infidelity).

If you don't take decisive action now you're in for a rude awakening, heed the advice and take control of the situation now, if she doesn't end her A immediately, just file for D and have her served, you can always stop it if she comes around and ends her A, agrees to NC FOREVER with both of them, etc. (see my previous post), you should ask the insurance companies to transfer the policies you wrote to a different agent.

Also file a complaint with the medical board, chances are POSOM will throw your WW under the bus to save his career and drop her like a bad habit.

The bio dads are both pieces of shit.

Do the oldest kids have two different bio dads???

[This message edited by BigNoob at 6:15 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

I know we are overwhelming you.

You probably think we don't understand how you are feeling,and what you are dealing with.

Maybe you think some of us are bitter.

Here's the thing..we all know how you feel. We have all been in your shoes. You are being inundated with advice,that probably sounds harsh, because we are trying to get you to wake up, NOW. Because your approach is going to cause so much more damage to YOU, and your child.

JfO is kind of like the emergency room. We are running around, trying to stop you from bleeding out, because you are in critical condition. We are trying to get you stable.

We all do genuinely care about helping you.

Ah shit, we are three pages in and no book recommendations.

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. I am NOT religious. Don't worry about the religious overtones of the second book. The advice about behavior is solid and that's all that matters. I very stupidly thought the second book was too harsh and religious. You will probably think the same thing. I can't fault you. It wasn't until my WW kept doing things advised against I strongly suggested she had better take the advice from the book more strongly.

In your case, maybe also "No More Mr. Nice Guy", IDK, I think it's presumptuous to say you are in a nice guy trap, but there are some good messages there.

Avoid Esther Perel. Your WW will likely cling to her. It's full of blameshifting, and gosh darnit doesn't it just feel good to feel ALIVE again in an affair!

You're getting some good advice here.

Please, I beg you...if you are uncomfortable with your current situation do something about it, don't be like me. You are going to live in limbo, it is a horrible place to live. I lived there for 8 months while my wife decided what she wanted to do.

Broaching the subject

...would have been met with anger

She's having an affair but may get angry at you? Do you see how sick and twisted that is? Stop and think about that for a moment. Don't let that control the situation, stop living on fear. You can't live like this.

No more tears in front of her.

No marriage counseling. Not yet.

You gave her the green light to have sex with this guy. Are you really OK with that?

All I'm going to accomplish is driving her away.

I know. I get it. I was there. But it's the exact opposite. She needs to show that she wants you. If you drive her away, if she leaves you over this then she does not value you. That is not a marriage.

Right now she has a weight on her shoulder.

She really doesn't. She's a cake eater and you fed it to her by allowing her to have sex. You actually gave her permission to have sex with this guy.

And no, don't view it like she is on meth. View it as she has betrayed you in the worst possible way. The person you loved and trusted the most in this world stabbed you in the back. It's not even close to a meth addiction, please...you're comparing apples to televisions.

Thisoneisfine is giving good advice here. I've been where you are too. I did the pick me dance on steroids and lived in limbo for 8 months...it was awful.

At this point you're probably thinking "geez these people are piling on, get off my back....I'm doing the best I can." I get it. But your instincts, just like mine at the time, are completely wrong.

You are being manipulated by the sick, twisted mind of a cheater. I was too and did not realize it.

Hellfire is right, you are bleeding out...your wife stabbed you in the back and is standing there with the knife still in her hands looking at you, ready to cut you again. She should be calling an ambulance, but she's not. The folks here are calling the ambulance, getting the gauze out, putting pressure on the wound, etc. Trying to save you. Please listen. You are clearly uncomfortable. You have to believe me when I tell you the folks who posted here before me know what they are talking about.

Don't be like me. Get out of infidelity and start right now by doing what these people say.

Also three pages in and I don't see a mention of you and your own health.

Please eat, drink and sleep. You need to be your best. Get a glass of water right now. See your doctor and tell him/her what is happening. Doctor can prescribed for sleep, anxiety, or depression. You need to sleep. Eat protein bars or shakes if you are having a hard time eating. Exercise, go for a long walk tomorrow.

Focus on you. Take good care of yourself.

I had a hard time sleeping and got a sleep aid.

Inkarnit,

You wrote, the husband was a pain management doctor and my wife suffers from some body pains due to her fitness lifestyle. She helped him and his wife become fit. He helped her with her pain.

You need to have his medical license revoked, start a professional investigation with the medical board.

Your WW has had children with three different men if I read what you wrote correctly, sounds like she is going for a 4th, you may have married a serial cheater.

Ink,

You wrote, The bio dads are both pieces of shit.

Careful.... are they pieces of shit or did your WW turn them into horrible people by cheating on them, infidelity can make good people bad or crazy.

Was it your WW who told you stories about them in which case you are trusting a liar, did you ask the Ex'es about her?

Chances are good your WW was running you down to this new OM as well.

Prepare a widespread exposure for the OM and OMW, linkedin, facebook, grandparents, parents, siblings, etc etc. Expose all at once and without threats or warnings, especially to your WW.

I have already spoken to a lawyer though. I left that out of my Tuesday morning routine. It was the first thing I did that morning. And I feel confident that I can protect my assets and get full custody of my son.

Did your attorney speak to you about whether "condonation" applies in your state?? Even in many "no-fault" states, adultery can have an effect on settlement. If you're giving your WW permission to cheat, or if you return to the marital bed, or continue to cohabitate past a certain point, the state will view it as "condonation" and take grounds off the table. That includes no-fault states which take adultery into account at settlement. In some states, a person who commits adultery can't get alimony... UNLESS you've "condoned" or forgiven the adultery.

PLEASE be careful. I can see very clearly from your first post that you're scrambling to save the marriage, and that's understandable. It's the kneejerk reaction of many BS's. But you've got a child involved and you're really going to need to play this smart. The last thing you want is your child growing up calling both you and the OM "Dad" and both your WW and her sister-wife "Mom". Bigamy is against the law in this country and even a "shacking up" status as a so-called "sister-wife" can likely end up with you scoring full custody or a morality clause which keeps her from going through with her plan.

You're four days out and you're heart-broken. We all feel you. We get it. We've been there. But you NEED to be practical right now. Stand up for yourself AND your child and REFUSE to play games. Either she wants to be your wife or she doesn't. There's nothing in between. All in or all out. Start from there. And if she can't make up her mind, you make it up for her by pulling R off the table.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I know you're feeling like hell right now. See your doctor for STD testing and stress management so you can sleep. Eat what you can, stay hydrated, avoid alcohol altogether. You're going to get through this. We're all living proof.

ETA: Don't worry for a minute about back-peddling on the list you gave her. She caught you by surprise and that was your SHOCK talking. Just tell her you've thought it over and there's NO amount of continued cheating that you can find to be acceptable.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 6:58 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

Let me super double down on ChamomileTea's last point.

Your wife broke your wedding vows. You don't have to cage yourself in a prison of promises and agreements you made in haste!

Edit: It's 6:30 your time. She at movie night?

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 7:29 PM, March 5th (Friday)]

Sorry for your situation. You seem to have a good head on this shoulders so I have to wonder why you would second guess yourself and play her game. It appears to me you are so afraid of losing your WW, your family and your way of life. I’m sorry but that is all gone, you have lost it.

You have been getting great advice, it is based on thousands of members who have experienced this shit show.

I would say your initial actions were correct, you were almost right when you second guessed yourself, except YOU RE MARRIED. Here’s the deal, you cannot control her, if she wants to go to movie night she should be free to go to movie night, just as she has been free YOUR ENTIRE relationship to do what she wanted. You can control YOU and what you tolerate, and why would you tolerate sharing your wife with another man?! If she did go to movie night, at least to me, that is her decision on your relationship.

Like has been repeatedly suggested, please contact other wife and confirm she knows the extent of the A. And with your lawyer, report him to his state agency governing his licensure.

Then get into The Healing Library and read up on the 180 and start detaching from your WW. (Yellow box upper left of the page)

So what did she choose to spend this evening doing?

Sorry for the situation you are in and worry about your approach to it.

I don't want to repeat the great suggestions made here. I suggest you strongly listen to them. I remember that exactly these recommendations were made to some of them just a few months ago. And now they don't wan't you experience those pains either. Don't think your WW is special and your situation is unique, nobody marries cheating sluts.

You need to determine the boundaries of your marriage. This isn't just about the current A. I can say that if you try to solve the problem with the method you are trying now, you will not be successful. Oh, this A could end for another reason, they may want third sister there, or your WW may want brother to her AP etc., it's a seperate issue.

So what will happen from now on if you continue with this method?

Your WW will see that she can dare sleep with any man (maybe woman too, we don't know their kind of A yet). Because she has already dared, and will continue to dare because she didn't encounter any consequences.

Secretly sleeping with other people; no problem, getting caught; no problem, husband is very understanding...So is there any reason this shouldn't be repeated?

She runs the gym, and there will be a lot of fit, well-shaped people who she might want to sleep with. Will you use this method every time?

I hope it becomes clear that this won't work.

Expose them, that sick OW too. It is time for them to get out of the wonderland and meet reality.

Inkarnit,

You wrote, If the topic sounds ridiculous, that's because it is. Yet, this is my current life.

Actually from personal experience and reading here most affairs have some element of insanity and unbelievability to them.

Who would have thought Bill Cosby a seemingly virtuous & decent man was drugging and having sex with multiple women.

Hopefully as it's movie night she is not busy making mind movies for you.

So I'm assuming your wife isn't home tonight and spending time with this other couple ("movie night") thus showing you (again) that she doesn't give a damn about your feelings.

You've been given a lot of great advice thus far. Please listen to it.

Let me ask you a question. On your wedding day, standing up before God, your family, friends, to say your vows, did you EVER think that you would sink as low to tell your lovely bride that if she was going to be with another man (and couldn't "stay out of his bed") that she "needs to use protection"???

Come on man....this is your WIFE that you're talking about!!!

You're like a deer in the headlights so scared that if you do (or say) the wrong thing you'll shit in your pants and she'll leave you.

She's already left you and you think counseling is going to help this or to let things play out without you interfering?

Does your wife's parents know about this? Does she have sibs and if so do they know about this? Does your family know?

Why are you so scared to take action?

You'll continue to make demands and she will continue to step over them because she knows you are NOT going to do jack shit.

If she did go to her "movie night" with them tonight, guess what, you did watch the kids while she went and played in her crazy whacked out fantasy world. If you don't do anything (which more than likely you won't) she sees first hand that your demands mean nothing and there's NO CONSEQUENCES to suffer.

Tell the OBS for crying out as she deserves to know and if by chance she does know you'll have a better idea of what you're dealing with.

Why do passive???

Your wife is blowing up your kids world???

You going to stand by and do nothing??

If so SHAME ON YOU!!!

Your kids need a parent who is going to protect them. Your wife obviously is NOT capable of being this person. If you're not going to stand up for yourself do it for your kids for crying out loud.

Next thing you know you'll be buying the condoms for them if you don't end this madness!!

Haven't fully caught up but wow guys. There's a whole lot of judgement going on here and a whole lot that's incorrect.

I didn't give info that I thought or understood. I gave facts. I know both prior bio dads. I know what happened. She was never a cheater. First one cheated on her. Second one was physically abusive and alcoholic. There's no conjecture with any of that.

She did choose me tonight without me having to say anything. I'll read the rest when I'm able.

I do appreciate feedback, but a little less judgement would be great. To the person who says no WW ever stays with the husband, I know multiple stories that prove that false.

To the legal advice, I've already spoken with an attorney and she's ready when I am. If necessary.

I am still taking care of myself. I'm working out twice a week and doing Jiu Jitsu twice a week. Eating was hard the first couple days but I'm eating better today.

I've read a couple books by Gottman so far. I'll look into those others.

To be clear, I'm not saying you guys are giving me bad advice. Just that some people are wrong about some assumptions.

I don't appreciate that so many of you consider that my reaction in just the first 4 days must mean that I'm so weak that I'll allow anything.

I won't. I have made what I want clear, but I simply didn't enact an ultimatum where straying results in a deal breaker. This just happened. I want it over. Maybe I'm not doing it the right way. That's why I even came here and posted. Because I felt like I needed some input as I felt I might have misstepped. And maybe I did. But so far it's at least decent. She has chosen me all week. Maybe she's playing me, but I'm not sure. She's never been good at hiding how she really feels. It's part of what led me to discovering the A.

I'm not going to stand by indefinitely. But right now I'm giving her room to logic things out for herself while I look at how to heal for myself.

Keep the constructive advice coming, but please try to be less judgemental and assumptive. She's actually always been one of the kindest and empathetic women I know. I suspect some level of religious brainwash possible here. This isn't the woman I married. But she may be the woman I divorce.