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FF, what are you doing for yourself? Are you in IC? I ask because it's crazy to me that you're preparing for more DDays in order to stay married. Don't you deserve a good marriage? Don't you deserve a faithful spouse? How can you ever find peace and happiness with a WW who keeps cheating?

Get a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. Get an IC for yourself. Learn some boundaries. Find your deal breakers.

I have a hard time trusting them. They are at best 82-87% accurate and I am not willing to hang someone over something that isnt 100% I

Ypu posted this on page 1 and still are clueless. Even if you're right on percentages, which I doubt, you would be in better shape as far as truth is concerned than you are now. my bet is you'll still be "guessing' pages from now.

I understand the whole believe or not believe thing.

But what tells me that the AP is most likely telling the truth on the oral sex is your statement that the sex style changed. My WHs did too during the AP aspect of his A (when he took it cyber only all that stuff disappeared interestingly enough) but during his A...all of a sudden he wanted to be more "risky" with me which for us constituted having quick sex in the bathroom while his daughter was awake in the living room (I know - big deal) or trying to get me to pull off the highway and park in on the side of a road in a rural area to have sex, to trying to reach down my pants while sitting next to me on an airplane with a blanket over our laps. Not super risky behavior, and admittedly something we had done when we first met (the potentially getting caught in a semi-public place) but not in awhile and certainly not with the level of consistency he was trying to do these things during his A.

This, on the other hand, simply isn't true:

Brother, if they we in the same big building, then they had sex. How could you even believe that?

While it is VERY unlikely, my situation turns out to be one of the unlikely ones. I had my WHs phone forensically analyzed - it cost a small fortune - but what it revealed were old deleted messages - 1000s of them over the course of 2 years where the AP talks about how long it has been since he was inside of her (literally counting months and days - to the point I think I'm about 99% sure the last day they had actual physical vaginal penetration sex)...over a year and how wonderful it was blah blah blah and how much she wanted it again and how he did too but it wasn't going to happen, etc.

After d-day 1 my WH decided in his f-ed up head that somehow phone sex daily and video masturbation etc was not as bad as the actual act, so after getting caught after a 5 month PA they took it 100% cyber as far as the sex goes even though they worked in the same building 5 days a week together with plenty of time to sneak off and they did this for over a year. They would sit in the same break room with a bunch of other people sexting each other, and then one of them would get up and go to the bathroom and masturbate and describe it to the other one who was still sitting in the break room talking to those people and that one would describe how hard it was not to touch themselves blah blah blah, and then the other one would go into the bathroom and do the same thing while the other would sit in the break room. Apparently sometimes one of them would actually masturbate while sitting in the break room if it was dark enough (they work 24 hour shifts and people are there all hours, napping, watching TV on breaks etc, so the lights are sometimes dimmed) while the other one was in the bathroom doing the same thing, and they would describe it to each other. In all honestly I think the excitement of getting caught and the secrecy was a big turn on for them. The fact that the OBS worked with them and sometimes he would actually be in the break room while this was going on added to their fucked up pleasure.

Basically, there is no end to what did or did not happen, but I can tell you that for some reason I wish they were just fucking as that crap they did was just so over the top horrible on so many levels...but you know, anything is possible basically.

There are literally endless messages of her trying to convince him to fuck her like they used to and that the talking and video just made her want him more and so on. If it weren't for the actual blow by blow transcript of their deleted conversations I would have never believed him. The fact that after 17 months they had sex once was also confirmed by the deleted text records (and the VAR conversations - my WH loves speakerphone so I heard both sides of the conversations).

So no sex is possible - but the change in sexual behavior indicates to me that something more than cyber went on. But who knows really?

As you posted that you can track your wife .. I thought I was tracking my WS And felt confident!! But when he met the OW he left with out his phone .. he hid it ..turned off the volume so if I checked his location he was where he told me he was .. he went off in OW car .. no cell phone he was safe ., he didn’t worry if I called because he could tell me his phone was on silent and didn’t hear it ring or was in a meeting .. it was so easy to fool me .. he played me in other ways too so he could spend time with her under my watchful eyes ..

The also did the polygraph test ., the questions were specific but in a general sense . ie .. have you had sex with anyone else besides your wife and Ow in the past 20 years yes or no answers .. and only a very few questions about the A .. each question is asked in different ways a few times .. my S passed .. I have to say that he was in tears because the test was so stressful.. he wanted to show me that he was being truthful for my peace of mind ..

FF,

You wrote, as far as names.. she had too many men 25 plus!

I think you need to do some tracking down and expose her OM, there has to be some consequences for your WWs behavior you have 25 at least leads.

If she does not remember dates thats not important, you can be dam well sure she remember what she did and likely the sequence of it happening.

I mean spit/swallow, her orgasming or not, her kissing or not. This is especially true since she claims if I understand correctly to have never had physical contact.

She might not remember the exact details of being physical with this OM only if she was also physical with lots of others and he was just a number.

I would suspect you know only 3% and your WW had been doing this for years or decades. You might want to DNA your kids.

Is the OM a doctor or someone in authority you can report to HR to get him gone? Because it's a world of hell sitting at home when your WW is going to the same location as OM.

Hospitals are also notorious for breeding affairs and coworkers covering them up and giving approval.

Affairs are powerful addictions and like drug addicts they find ways to get it, so don't think you have her caged.

Since she is a serial cheater she is just waiting for you to let your guard down.

FF,

I can relate to the change in sexual behavior, around the time of OM2 my W started to orgasm during intercourse. It seemed so out of character and sudden that it almost felt wrong, although at the time I was ignorant of the why it was very odd.

Trust you gut on that one.

There may be another similarity here in that OM2 was likely controlling in sex and I would guess giving my W orders, I suspect your OM was similar.

Timeline yes, then poly yes, and don't let her choose the questions.

notanotherchance- I should explain that she knows I can look at any time, not that I do. It has been about three months since the last I looked, however I suppose this helps keep her accountable...I should also mention that the GPS was her idea

rugswept-

Yeah I consider the sudden wanting to give oral as a big change and red flag. There are also other things, like her kissing style

nekonamida

I have an AWESOME IC. He has over 50 years of experience ( yeah, he could be my grandpa!) He does this for just to help people now :) I have also learned a whole lot about myself under his guidance.

Considering all of her online affairs, have you looked for a burner phone?

Hellfire

yes, I looked for a phone, an tablet, odd chargers... and so on. I accounted for all of our cash in the safe. Looked at our bank accounts. I suppose an AP could purchase for her...

you have to use a tactic as above to ensure your WW does not cheat at work then what kind of a M are you looking for? A marriage cop that goes above and beyond to ensure the perp (you're WW) does not commit further M crime or a marriage built on Trust,

This is very typical for early days/weeks/months post dday. If it's still going on years later, then it's a problem. It's also not foolproof. It is a false sense of security. There are so many ways around it. But, it's a step in the right direction toward R.

The serial cheating, whether there was ever physical contact or not, is the biggest concern here, imo. I know people say it has happened, but I don't believe a serial cheater will stop and never do it again. This woman was never 100% in the M. I doubt she knows how to be.

I also agree that the changes in sexual behavior are a huge red flag. My H didn't change his sexual behavior, but he was suddenly prancing around the bedroom naked. He had always been shy and would quickly slip his clothes off and back on with his back to me. Suddenly, there he was full monty as if it was nothing.

Regardless of what your CW is doing, if she doesn't come completely clean and take full responsibility for everything she has done, you can't R with her. If that's what you want, you need to make that clear to her. "Tell me everything or I'm out." Then, 180.

I spent 6 months in hell trying to get my H to admit that he had sex with the MOW. He didn't confess until the night before his poly. He said he would've taken that lie to his grave if I hadn't forced it. He had no intention of ever telling me the truth because he was so ashamed. It wasn't until everything was put in the open that he began to really work on R.

Cocoplus5nuts

"This is very typical for early days/weeks/months post dday. If it's still going on years later, then it's a problem. It's also not foolproof. It is a false sense of security. There are so many ways around it. But, it's a step in the right direction toward R."

WE are 8 months out from the Dday of me finding her response to a blackmail demand from one of her 26 online AP's, which that discovery led me on to find out the 26 guys. She carried out these affairs from May5 2019- July 15 2019 ( plus a month of telling them goodbye after discovery ( which I discovered later as she had told me she stopped cold turkey at the time)). At this time ( may-july) we where in pretty heavy C due to her having an A with her co worker May 12- 2018- nov 2018 and we both would talk about how "good" we where doing. How much we where learning. one day on the way to CC we even talked about that we where doing so good that we could perhaps scale back CC sessions to 2x a month vs 4x a month. Come to find out, she had sexted one of the guys just 40 minutes prior to us leaving for CC and then she sexted another an hour after the session with our CC.

All this to say, my trust is battered! Jan 2019- July 2019 I was spot checking her phone about once a week or so and missed hundreds of photos and videos, thousands of messages and new apps installed, so then I questioned my own sluething abilities. Currently, I am feeling somewhat safe with the monitoring software and my ability to confirm her location. Yeah, she could have a burner, however when she is at work she literally has NO TIME ( Critical care nurse). My fear remains of what there is yet to learn about her past....

Sent you a PM

Hi ff01. Sorry you're dealing with this.

You've said your wife has had online affairs with 29 men. At some point doesn't this seem like a lifestyle of hers?

She's in a deep hole, you're in for a 'time' trying to help her dig out of it. Years perhaps.

All the surveillance you have in place for your wife, it's understandable I think, but that's got to be a tough way to live.

She must have quite a hold on you with lots of good times in your past? Maybe you're more codependent than is healthy?

I think a polygraph test might be quite worthwhile for your situation. It's not a perfect solution, and I think you could ask yourself is the marriage worth saving if you need a polygraph. Wife taking a polygraph helped my marriage.

Stay strong.

If she's still lying about details of her affair then that is not putting in the work.

When did the sexting right before and after CC happen? That puts you back to square one. Every new thing that comes out later will put you right back there. Does your CW understand that? You are not in R, no matter how well things are going otherwise, as long as she still has secrets about her cheating.

You were in false R all that time. Sounds like you are probably still in false R. It's all very new and very raw for you. I can't remember when I stopped checking my monitoring apps. It was a couple of years out. I'm 5+ years out now, and I don't worry or check anymore. (But, then, I also don't care anymore, either.)

SnowToArmPits, 27 of them where over a 63 day period. Crazy woman was having mutiple O a day with them except for three days when she was on her cycle, and yet she called me a pervert and broken since the first year of our M for me wanting sex more than 1 time a week!!

cocoplus5nuts, Her sexting just prior and after CC visit was during the 63 day period of her online affairs with the 27 guys.

ff01 - why is this marriage worth it to you?

You're putting up with a lot, and are in the dark about what has gone on. What's motivating you to stay married?