SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hang on, hang on... He called you to taunt you. That’s what he did. He’s an asshole. I don’t advocate violence but he deserves a smack on the mouth. What a disgusting pig of a man. What’s wrong with these bastards? How dare he tell you what your wife did to him? He wants to inflict pain. Look, it doesn’t matter the details he gives you. What’s important is your wife disclosing these details. If she’s not being honest with you, I’m afraid you can’t have R. She needs to be upfront otherwise you can’t build the foundations to a new relationship with her.

polygraph not 100% reliable, expensive.

for the parking lot confession, priceless.

Mene

I agree, she is not being open and upfront with me! I have my own historical crap and I owned it and talk about it. At first it was painful, now it is a relief. Just today we interviewed a new co-counselor and she was shocked with how open I was with him in the interview. I said, there is nothing to hide and hopefully someday you are comfortable talking about your past as it is a relief ( hint hint hint hint)

Oldtruck,

I have heard that and this case may end up there.

Yeah, if anything, don't even set up a polygraph. Simply put her in an unexpected situation where you say, "in 5 minutes, we're going to hook you up to a polygraph. Ready?" Then see what her reaction is. If she doesn't flinch then maybe she's been truthful. Otherwise, you'd likely get another bit of trick-truth aka another D-day.

I've read some of your previous posts. She doesn't sound remorseful. Sorry, dude.

Hi Ff

Your wife is not remorseful, she is still lying..

She is bad with dates, so no timeline. Don’t make excuses for her.

It sounds like there are no consequences to her cheating.

She sounds like a typical cheater.

Demand the timeline and whatever else you need... she broke your marriage she should work to fix it.

Sorry you are here

Tallgirl...

Oh I want and will get a "timeline" however it will likely be without dates and names. I know for a fact she does not recall dates ( happens a lot in everyday situations...no excuse here) as far as names.. she had too many men 25 plus!

Squid, I see your point, however I feel that would be deceptive on my part. I would be more comfortable saying " in five minutes I am making an poly appointment for you"

25+ OM!?! And she's still not being forthcoming and honest?

FF, what is your goal? Is it to be in a loving, honest, healthy marriage? Or is it to stay with your WW no matter what she does or how many times she steps out on you? If it's the former, you're not likely to get that from your WW. She's not doing nearly enough to address her serial cheating and addiction to OM. She needs serious IC and to figure out why she keeps cheating. She needs to be 100% honest with any and all therapists otherwise IC and MC is a waste of time and money. MC right now is pointless because she's not ready for it.

She's likely to have relapses. Are you okay with the likelihood of a new DDay? Can you accept that your WW will probably always struggle with being faithful? If fidelity is a must for you, you're better off 180'ing her, canceling MC, and detaching so that you can move on without her if you have a new DDay. If you just want to be married at all costs whether she's faithful or not, keep doing what you're doing and hoping she doesn't run off with the next OM or wants a D because she can't deal with your pain and suffering any longer.

FF question on your last post. Did you mean she has cheated on you with 25 other men?

Seekers... yes and then some!

2006-07 18 month emotional affair with our friend right in front of me. I did not know what it was really, other than I felt bed

2012-2019 Emotional affair with a client at work

may 12, 2018- Nov 2018 Sexual online affair with co worker. She tells me they never spent any time together and was never in person physical, however I know otherwise

May 5, 2019- July 16, 2019 Online affairs with 26 guys. The first couple contacted her on Instagram and then she sought out the others with WhatsApp & KIK

You are dealing with a serial cheater. Very bad candidate for reconciliation.

What is she doing to fix herself, to understand her innate flaw?

Past behaviors predict future behaviors. Until she is fully invested in fixing herself you are going to be forever looking over your shoulder for the other shoe to drop.

nekonamida,

She is currently doing the work and when I measure with a longer yard stick I see changes. I am still very hurt and wanting more information from her!

She has an awesome IC that is dragging things out of her and helping her figure out who she really is. I am not sure if you say my other thread, however her IC just diagnosed her with avoidance attachment issues. She is taking a 17 week unfaithful womans course at Affair Recovery and I am seeing her learn from that. The MC that we interviewed yesterday has years of affair work under his belt and understands addictions. I am willing to give MC a try. I am fully expecting another D Day from things that she has done in her past...very very anxious about it too!

Squid... She is seeing a very good infidelity IC. She is in an AR program. She is now back with God.

She is aware of her being a repeat cheater. She is willing to work. I believe she is IA, however she is struggling to understand that. She was diagnosed as avoidant attachment by her IC

if they had physical proximity then they had full on monkey sex.

I can't stand these kinds of blanket, absolute, extreme statements. The fact is that we don't know this. We can say that, if they were physically close, it is highly likely that they had physical contact. We cannot, however, say this bullshit. I don't understand why some people feel the need to be so over the top and inflammatory.

To the point of the post, I agree with doing a poly. My H adamantly denied any physical with the MOW beyond a hug in a public parking lot for 6 months. The night before his poly,, i got the proverbial parking lot confession.

I would tend to believe the AP at this point. It's possible he's making it up, but it's very possible he's not.

It's a false sense of security that she can't be cheating now because you have her on what you call lockdown.

My WXH was a physician and they physical aspect of his affair took place in the on call rooms at the hospital. She could leave her phone in the part of the hosptial where you expect her to be and head off for a quickie in the on call room, and you'd have no clue.

Who knows if it is happening, but your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.

PHMH

She works in critical care and can not leave her PT. Where as before she worked on GENMMED and could sneak away and could also take breaks and lunches off of the unit...not the case now. My GUT is telling me that she is not cheating currently and she is committed to working on her and us. I am just waiting for the rest of her disclosures from the past :(

cocoplus5nuts, I tend to believe her AP too as, like I said, my wifes sex technique and style changed.

The biggest red flare besides walking in on them is changes in sexual behavior.

They can hide where they were, why they were gone, who they were with. They can cover their tracks so well.

What they can't hide is changes in behavior. That comes in different degrees.

From what you described, it is essentially 100% certain that she was on him exactly as she suddenly was with you.

I had a sexual experience with my fWW and it was clear, wow, that took practice. I remained in denial about it for over a year.

After everything else that I saw as incidental evidence continued to stream in, the defensive blinders went. Then it was so clear what it had been and what had happened.

In the very end, the UNDENIABLE thing that was so clear was the sudden change in sexual experience.

I have lived what you have and know where you are. Whatever you think you know, it's way way worse than that.

Good Luck.

and I have her so locked down on GPS that she could not meet anyone currently

If you have to use a tactic as above to ensure your WW does not cheat at work then what kind of a M are you looking for? A marriage cop that goes above and beyond to ensure the perp (you're WW) does not commit further M crime or a marriage built on Trust, Honesty, Loyalty, Commitment. You cannot force someone to follow the building blocks.

How long are you going to continue keeping her in lockdown? At what point will you start to trust she has told you everything & now you can start to rebuild, cause until you have all the facts that you need then & only then can you decide to R or D.

As for keeping her locked down on GPS seriously all she needs is to leave her phone at her station use a burner phones, meet up in equipment closets, unoccupied medical rooms etc, etc... , as such unless you physically stick your WW in a room with no exit, no entrance & no communications then you can never be sure. No trust = No R.