SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I talked to family. They thisnis so evil. Tell lawyers end this fast settle it and get it out.

For my health.

Your wife is so desperate for you to not use a lawyer that it’s a HUGE red flag. She cannot be trusted

Keep that VAR on you. She’s looking for every which way to get an advantage over you.

I’m glad you have a lawyer and are not giving in to her demands that you drop him. It’s very suspicious that she is trying so hard to get you not to use one, to the point of threatening you.

She either wants to completely fleece you or has been up to some activity that she fears will be uncovered and in both cases, you want to be properly represented to keep you from being swindled and keep you from getting caught up in anything she is up to.

Don’t listen to her threats either, they will not be interested in a daft remark you made years ago and did nothing to carry through, certainly not over the actual actions taken by your WW. Get a VAR though and make sure you are getting these threats recorded as they look to be escalating and you need the protection it gives.

She either wants to completely fleece you or has been up to some activity that she fears will be uncovered and in both cases, you want to be properly represented to keep you from being swindled and keep you from getting caught up in anything she is up to.

She's definitely up to something, so don't for a second consider dropping legal counsel. She doesn't look like the garden variety cheater in the "affair fog", desperate to leave their spouse to start living in their fairytale land of unicorns farting rainbows. She's probably been preparing this for some time, so your lawyers could uncover unlawful financial operations, such as siphoning funds to her private accounts or something in that vein.

Another possibility is that her lover has begun having second thoughts about leaving his spouse for her or expects to take a huge financial hit during his divorce. Either way, she wants to make sure her own financial situation doesn't considerably worsen (cue: she wants to fleece you bare).

2 last remarks she made to me before she left yesterday.

She came down and said "why did you lie to me about the minivan being in your name"

I said it is my name. She walked away. I think she looked at the insurance card in the car and it has the driver as someone else. I looked at the title and it is in my name.

Then while I was sitting at the TV with nanny feeding the kids. She made another one of her stupid remarks while I am around to the nanmy. She told nanny she has to pump gas into the car before heading out. Her sisters husband always pumps gas for the wife. She rarely ever pumps gas. In fact sisters husband would wait for her to get home to take the car to pump gas for her. My wife made sure I heard it.

My wife made sure I heard it.

Still trying to manipulate you. Don't fall for it. Be cold as ice.

If she presses further simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.

[This message edited by squid at 10:32 AM, September 7th, 2020 (Monday)]

I know people say the one i am seeing now is not the one i married. Can i safely assume the one i am seeing is the true her?

So while the nanny was feeding her kids for your wife, your wife complained to her that she had to put gas in the tank of her own car?

Lol

I can promise you the nanny was thinking that your wife is a spoiled,entitled, selfish bitch.

Do you think most women on here pump their own gas?

Yes. I do. My friends do. I worked at a gas station for 5 years, 20 years ago. I can assure you women pump their own gas lol. Young women,old women,professional women,etc. Yup.

I mean,if my husband drives my car,he may put gas in it, but I do the same if I drive his truck.

Yes. Women pump their own gas.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:13 PM, September 7th (Monday)]

Lolololol. the only time I didn’t pump my own gas was when in NJ where it’s illegal to pump your own gas.

Can i safely assume the one i am seeing is the true her?

Yes. This is who she really is. Accept it and act accordingly.

Don't get stuck hoping she'll change back.

I know people say the one i am seeing now is not the one i married. Can i safely assume the one i am seeing is the true her?

There are a number of possibilities here and it's difficult to say anything with any degree of certainty. What I'm going to write below is just my interpretation based on my experience, a fair bit of reading and your own description of your wife's current behaviour. You must bear in mind, however, that I am not a qualified mental health specialist so you should take it with a pinch of salt.

Possibility 1: Your wife's behaviour is caused by limerence (a.k.a affair fog) in which the biochemical imbalance in neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin) hijacks the limerent person's brain and severely impairs their faculties of empathy and logical thinking. Limerent people become so quickly and strongly addicted to their Limerent Object/LO (in this case her AP) that they will do anything and everything to push away their current partner/spouse who they see as an obstacle to their happiness. This often results in emotional cruelty and rash decisions (quitting job, relocating, abandoning the family). If that were to be the case, you'd be currently experiencing your wife in her "altered state" with no guarantee as to if and when she will return to her "normal".

Possibility 2: Your wife's behaviour is a manifestation of underlying psychological issues, such as traits associated with Cluster-B personality disorders (NPD, BPD or APD) which until recently had been dormant or hidden behind a mask of a loving, caring wife. In this case, you are indeed getting a glimpse into your wife's true personality which has always been there since well before you met her.

Possibility 3: Your wife's behaviour is the result of a maladaptive coping mechanism meant to reduce the cognitive dissonance related to her affair. Her purported values (fidelity and loyalty) are in conflict with her actual behaviour and by being emotionally cruel she's baiting you into situations which will show you in negative light and help her justify her morally questionable actions. This case is similar to no. 2 above, the difference being that your wife is not a disordered person, but not an emotionally healthy adult either.

Your wife seems to be following an ulterior agenda (given her insistence that you drop your legal counsel) and her actions are way too calculated to suggest no. 1 above. You're left with nos 2 and 3, neither of which has anything remotely reassuring about them.

In any case, your safest bet is to assume the worst and act accordingly.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:30 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I think you are right. She is number 2. NPD.

Maybe, maybe not. It's no use diagnosing and labelling her without formal qualifications and proper procedure. Being a doctor, you probably hate self-diagnosing patients or people diagnosing others :-) The only reason I point this stuff to you is that I believe there is some peace of mind to be found in resigning yourself to the fact that what you're dealing with is way beyond your control.

The reality is that NPD is fairly rare (approx. 6% of the overall population, although there are grounds to believe the statistics err on the conservative side) but a person doesn't need fully diagnosable NPD to hurt others. As things are at the moment, your wife's behaviour is abusive, emotionally cruel and apparently driven by nefarious motives. The only thing you can do is make sure you don't allow her to keep hurting you emotionally or otherwise.

Do you think most women on here pump their own gas?

Of course I do. Why would I get someone else to do it? It’s not like it’s hard to do. Maybe it’s a different countries think (I’m in the UK) but the idea of getting a guy to do it for you is so unknown here that it sounds crazy.

SOme more examples that I look back on.

I know everyone is going to say work on the divorce which lawyers are working on already, no chance I am going back. I am just sifting through the rubble right now.

Every night after she gets home, I take care of kids and she is lying in bed when she gets home. Now I know why.

Majority of days she would say, can you get me bottle water and I would go get it for her.

Then she would be sleeping late at night, then if she hears me brushing teeth, then it would be can you get me my mouthguard and I would get it for her.

I felt like a slave yet she tells all my friends that I don't do anything for her and everyone else's marriage is so perfect because their husbands do everything for their wives. Pumping gas included.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 3:39 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

Disregard

[This message edited by DeWittle at 11:21 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

I felt like a slave yet she tells all my friends that I don't do anything for her and everyone else's marriage is so perfect because their husbands do everything for their wives.

That's characteristic of entitled individuals. They keep piling up small, insignificant requests (things they could easily do themselves) upon you and then they start taking you for granted. Initially you're happy to oblige, you might even derive a sense of pride from being such a good, caring partner, but with time it starts eating at you slowly. In your own eyes, a good husband turns into an insignificant man-servant, in their eyes, an reliable partner becomes a weak, servile dogsbody. A huge chunk of your identity as a dependable family man starts crumbling, instead of respect you feel disdain, both for your patner and their selfishness and for yourself and your own failure to stand up to them. Slowly, inconspicuously each passing day breeds more and more resentment on both ends and finally the narcissistic partner feels "justified" in stepping outside the marriage or having an exit affair.

You are so right!!!

I felt like a slave, I resented, and everything she aked me to do I felt like she was ordering me around as a slave. The resentment built up over the years. Her Narcissism thinks , what an idiot my husband is.

Now while she is dressing sexy for work with leopard skin clothing, she has neglected to buy school clothing for the kids. The nanny told me what they need. I will go with kids this weekend to buy clothes.

OK, after weeks of having problems finding her, my lawyer is once again trying to serve her.