We ALL say things in a marriage we are not proud of. And when she found him having sex with another woman, it needs to be put in context. They were at a swingers party. Everyone in the room got naked,then the lights went out, IIRC. Yes, he broke a huge boundary. But BOTH clearly already loosened those boundaries by being swingers. Personally, if my husband and I went to such a party, I don't think it would be a huge shock to find out he had sex with someone else, given the circumstances. However, they had rules,and he crossed them.
Fused, you completely dismiss her consent to being a swinger. She has said she enjoyed it,and she was involved with more people during these swinging incidents than he was.
What he said was cruel. No doubt. And she would have been well within her rights to divorce him over it. It does not give her the ok to have an affair. You continue to justify her affair. It's causing her marriage more damage. He blames himself. Which is such bullshit. Heck, we have B.S. here, who cheated after dday, and they are held accountable for their actions. 100%. They are told nothing their WS did,or didn't do, caused them to cheat. But, for some reason, her husband is to blame for her actions? Please.
What he said was upfront. So was the swinging they BOTH enjoyed. An affair is deceptive. Manipulative. It obliterates trust. It is a million different choices to betray your spouse. What he did wasn't ok. He was upfront about it,however. So she had choices. She chose the wrong one. She stole his choices.
OP, do you feel you cheated because of anything he did? If not, I sincerely hope people will stop coming here to defend your affair. And stop blaming him.
LD, I can feel your frustration. Here's the thing,though. He doesn't know what he needs from you. Dday was recent. He is drowning in pain, anger, feelings of being discarded, and worthlessness. He knows he needs something from you, but has no clue what. He wants the pain to stop. And nothing you are doing is making it stop. Because it's just too soon. When we say it takes years to heal, we aren't kidding.
What you need to do is..
Be patient.
When he tells you he feels this, or that, don't be quick to tell him he is wrong, or he is rememnering it wrong. Remember, he is traumatized. He needs to feel however he feels,and you need to stop correcting his perspective.
Fight for him.
Don't leave. Tell him you will if it helps him,but don't offer.
Do little things for him. If you run to the corner gas station, grab him his favorite candy bar. Send him flowers. Make him his favorite foods. Find a new hobby you both can do together. Tell him,every day, how sorry you are. Be specific. Tell him you know what you almost lost, and why you value it now.
Pick up the slack on chores and parentong. Many BS find it hard to just get through the day at this point.
Have date nights.
Go to IC, and share with him what you are learning.
Be affectionate.
Respect his wishes and needs.
Put him first.
Fiercely defend and protect him, and your marriage.
Be honest. All.the.time.
I do believe you are remorseful. He will see it in time. Right now, he just can't.
Honest, consistent, remorseful actions. Always.