SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I owe a lot to this community and to this hopeful thread in particular. After all, I didn’t even know reconciliation was possible until I found this exact string of messages a couple weeks after discovery.

I’m fairly sure the duality of recovery from infidelity will be fascinating to explore sometime in the far flung future, but for the time being it can be rather maddening. To clarify, the aforementioned duality being the process of pain and anger on one hand, while trying to rekindle a marriage burned down to its veritable barebones foundation on the other.

Or more succinctly, how do we love the person who hurt us most of all? Can we ever truly love someone again, who had to ignore and dehumanize us in order to carry out willful deceit while crawling into the bed of another?

It takes a while to be able to answer those questions.

Ultimately, our new foundation is holding up, despite the standard misery associated with the second year observations in a vain attempt to comprehend the reality of it all. That aside, I didn’t anticipate several months of a deep depression spiral right after completing the first year of discovery.

Doubt still grabs some momentum at the start of each new day. The mornings continue to be a locked in reminder — as with the dread that accompanied the same Sonny & Cher song playing over and over again in the movie Groundhog Day. It is weird being haunted so veraciously by the past that I still find myself stuck there on occasion.

It is never easy trying to imagine reasons why regarding what I never thought possible, and yet the infidelity turned out to be very real. I realized I best commence to accepting it at some point or my mind will willingly repeat the same series of horrible mind movies until the end of time. It appeared my preference was to feel anything, rather than nothing, even if it was an endless loop of pain and anger.

That had been the pattern, until the last several weeks.

Sort of like the sun breaking through the clouds after a very dark storm. I sense the depression losing its vise-like grip on my soul. I’m finally allowing myself to see all the work I’ve done on myself, and all of the work my wife has done. I’ve gone so far as to take a glimpse of a future with this flawed human I exchanged vows with just over three decades ago.

Ironically, it is very tempting to ignore and dehumanize someone who hurt you that same, exact way during their affair. I think all betrayed do it to some extent, until we understand that no amount of building walls or punishing our spouse will ever exact any kind of justice. It is very hard to accept injustice to move on, but seems necessary at some level in order to remain together.

It far easier sad than done to talk about focusing on the now, but I am beginning to understand what it means. The now is about today — existing in a relationship that finally values me, values us, with actual honesty, safety, and care that are the hallmarks of a healthy couple. And it is nice when the good days start piling back up, filled with hope of something more.

Originally, fairy tales from the Brothers Grimm were replete with dark corners and tragedies, before they were cleaned up for animated happy ending movies. Life truly has those dark turns found in those archaic tales about good and evil, poor morals and tragic decisions. No one will ever ask for the tragedy of infidelity to happen to them or anyone they care about. But here is the trick, it is what we do with this crisis that cannot be undone that matters most.

Among those choices is offering grace, and allowing the person who hurt you back into your heart. It is a different kind of special to endure this amount of anger, pain, and sorrow leading to a unique miracle of binding again with your spouse.

Such a miracle requires unprecedented understanding and empathy by both partners. The person who destroyed the original vows and bonds has to completely own all of their horrible, selfish behavior and learn how to a safe, caring partner and a far better version of themselves. And the wounded partner has to recover their own esteem, their own value and then somehow find a way to let new love back in.

The new foundation may because of patience, or a true sense of unconditional love extending one last lifeline of hope. Perhaps it included a sense of desperation by two flawed souls who are finally prepared to save and serve each other. So much of modern love is cynical, filled with unrealistic expectations, demands and a constant taking from the other. Personally, I hate that it took a tragedy for my wife and I to learn at last how to be giving and forgiving.

Again, it’s very different kind of miracle to find such love after such sorrow, but I’ll not take this final opportunity for granted. To me, life is far too short to stay stuck in misery for a day longer than necessary.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 10:53 AM, December 19th (Tuesday)]

Love your post, Oldwounds

It is something quite inexplicable when we can offer grace and an opportunity for redemption to the one who hurt us most. Maybe it's our age, the reality that there simply is no longer time to be wasted on unhealthy, unhappy things. Making the choice to go forward, do better, make improvements . . .you are a wise guide to many and I hope those needing hope and words of optimism stop by and read your words. There is no roadmap for R, for many of us, we didn't even know it could be possible. But we made the decision to try. Something inside us guided us along this path, and SI offered us strength and wisdom when the path turned particularly dark and uncertain. If one is tempted to take the path of R, I agree that this community is a great place to get started and for guidance along the way. We don't have to go it alone, or reinvent the steps of R. Thanks, Oldwounds.

Copied from my update thread for the very persistent and lovable W2BHA!

It was exactly three years ago today that I decided to follow my gut and the iPhone tracker.....which led me to pulling my WH out of the Sweathog's apartment. Six days later I found a light at the end of the tunnel....SI and my new family. Today I find myself reflective, but happy.

I have been remiss in my participation in this community but I needed the space. I hope to rejoin soon because I want to be there for people like others were for me in the past. I have joined the ranks of "I read but don't post often", which makes me smile. It means, for me, I am healing and can actually focus on work, my family and my marriage.

It has been a rough three years. Lots of emotions....shock, devastation, anger, self-doubt, numbness, paranoia, grief, defeat, envy, obsession, outrage, confusion, embarrassment, loneliness, relief, courage, capable, peaceful. Lots of crying, seriously LOTS.

I have always been a strong person but never truly knew how strong until I knocked on her door. I am proud of myself, how I took control of my survival and did what I needed to end up in a better place.

I'm also proud of my WH. (never did I ever think I'd be able to say that again). It is a different proud than before the A, but an authentic one based on truths. He is a different person. He put in all the hard work and continues to do so. I've had to hold him accountable through it but he has put in the effort and is a changed person.

Things aren't perfect. The betrayal still affects me, still plays a part in my thoughts and actions. However, the feelings it brings have lessened, on most days it is like an annoying gnat that I can shoo away. It has become a scar and not an active wound.

R is possible, R can work and lead to a happy marriage and a happy life. R is not for the weak or the selfish. R takes a lot of effort, there are a lot of reasons it can fail but when the WS steps up to the plate, the BS lets them and they both have the common goal of getting out of infidelity and moving towards R....they can be successful. A new marriage can be built.

Three years ago today I was shocked with betrayal and heartache. Today I am happy and at peace. Tomorrow and beyond will be even better.

Shout out to all my homies in the Holiday Shit Storm Club of 2014 - Peace and Love!!!

We are leaving 2017 in such a beautiful place. My family is whole, healthy, and happy.

When I came to SI, I just wanted to know if reconciliation was/is possible.

Would I be able to forge a marriage in friendship? At my join date, it was all I was looking for. Just being friends with my husband. My love for him was gone.

My husband has taken his want and need for his wife and family to his heart. He dug deep and has spent the last 18 months living for us.

My posts first centered on anger. I was so angry. As time went on, I saw I needed to change. I was turning into poison. It had never been me. Being nasty wasn’t me.

I wanted to embrace my blessings. My posts changed to posts wanting to know about forgiveness, grace, love, and vows.

Surrounding myself in the SI community by reading posts about the positivity of reconciliation ended up being a gift to myself and my family.

I almost died at the beginning of 2017. My husband didn’t leave my side. His love for me poured out in every single way. I felt cherished by him. This feeling hasn’t left. I am more encased in love now than the past 10 years.

I love my husband again. My family is thriving. Love and reconciliation are possible. Opening my heart has been such a blessing for my family.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 2:55 PM, December 31st (Sunday)]

From a thread I started:

Default Posted: 8:14 AM, December 27th (Wednesday), 2017 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We talk a lot in this forum about how R is a gift that the BS gives the WS. It is true it is a gift. It is a gift that many can't or don't want to give. So the WS needs to treat it as such, but I challenge BS to approach R this way too. This thread is for people who are at a distance away from DDAY. Maybe a year out. They feel safe. They have a WS who is remorseful and who is doing everything they can to redeem themselves. If this describes your situation then consider looking at R the way I do.

1) Get off the fence. I hear a lot about how a BS always has the power to leave at anytime they decide to. I guess that is true, but I feel like if you approach things this way then you miss an opportunity to embrace all that a marriage has to offer. In today's day and age, any spouse can divorce for whatever reason they want to without cause, so why make this a special caveat? When we give ourselves an out then we can't fully commit. There is always that slight bit of power. A trump card that can be pulled out of your pocket at any time. I feel a great bit of my healing and our healing is due to the fact that I went all in. Do not misunderstand me. I am not a door mat. If this ever happened again, I would, without hesitation, leave my husband. That is different than sitting on a fence because you can't decide how you feel about your current WS. Make a decision based on your current situation, not a situation that happened in the past. Can your spouse be the kind of spouse you desire? If they can, then make a commitment to the spouse who they are or are becoming. Release that old spouse and grab onto the new spouse or move on. Don't stay in limbo. Don't miss an opportunity to have exactly the spouse you desire. I get all of my husband's good qualities and the qualities which made him a less than desirable spouse before, I get to refine. My husband has a desire to make himself everything I want him to be. I won't pass up this opportunity to have a spouse as devoted as he is now.

2) Communicate. In my old marriage I thought we actually communicated well. And we did. I think we probably were better at communicating than most, but we missed the mark sometimes. When we disagreed, we would just ignore each other's desires and move on in separate directions. Over time this created a barrier. For example, I felt that my husband didn't always "listen" to me. Sure he heard me, but he didn't listen. Rather than me standing up for myself, I would just move on. Well this created a wedge that neither of us really knew was there. We were not meeting each other's needs. We were missing an opportunity to have the best relationship we could have. Now we do not drop anything that bothers us. There is no more unresolved resentment. If either of us feels a little bit of resentment, we discuss it calmly. Then we move together into the future direction rather than separately. This is an opportunity that didn't exist before.

3) Get rid of passive aggressive behavior - We would get mad at each other in our previous relationship and instead of voicing it (again a communication issue) we would simply act immaturely to each other. What does passive aggressive behavior get you? Nothing other than 2 people who aren't on the same page. We no longer do this. This R has been an opportunity for us to get real with our relationship and get rid of this behavior. Instead we can get mad at each other and ask for space, but eventually we come back to each other and discuss our reasons for our anger. We then move forward without causing more damage. We aren't missing an opportunity to again make our relationship the best it can be.

4. Get what you really want. I can remember thinking at times in our marriage (long before the A) about how I really wish my husband was more romantic. I wished he would write me notes or texts or just kiss me passionately for no good reason. I would dismiss this. I would rationalize that my husband was a very good husband (which he is and was) and that most married couples aren't romantic with each other. Who keeps that going right? Well guess what I get now? You guessed it. We now realize how much that was missing from our lives. To top it off, us nearly losing each other has made us way more passionate towards each other. I can't see this stopping. It is genuine and desired by both of us. We aren't missing an opportunity to create a relationship that we both want. We aren't settling. If I want something I tell him and he is very, very happy to deliver to me something he can. Maybe he is trying to make it up to me, but it is just as much because he WANTS to make me happy and to devote his life to me. Before our devotion to each other was passive. Now our devotion is intentional. We don't miss an opportunity to make this relationship all that we want it to be.

5. To really know each other. I feel that we knew each other before, but now we know everything about each other. We know intimate details and feelings with each other. We know each other better than a majority of relationships know each other. Through this raw exploration of this trauma, we have truly learned each other's feelings and thoughts. This is an opportunity that most relationships never get to. We discuss things now on a deeper level than we ever did before. We both care very much about each other's feelings more so than I see in other relationships. This is yet another opportunity that I don't think I would get with someone else. This is a closeness that would be hard to create without a trauma.

So when someone wants to know why I want to reconcile it is because this is an opportunity for me and for us that we wouldn't otherwise have. Sure some people will say well you could have always had those things. I guess that is true, but we didn't even realize that some of them were issues before. We just went through life thinking this was what it was all about. It is similar to someone who has a near death experience and then changes their unhealthy ways. Sometimes they don't even realize that their ways before made them feel crappy. Once they see the other side, they have a light bulb moment. We both had a light bulb moment and we refuse to miss an opportunity to create the life we both want with two partners who are no longer going through life passively, but are actively working daily to make life everything we want it to be. It is actually a beautiful thing and it is a gift. Not to my husband, but to us. I can't pass up this gift. I hope that this post helps some who may have the opportunity to make their relationship exactly what they want it to be.

Iwantmyglasses I love that post

4 YEARS AS OF JAN 1 2018

To all WS and BS

Today marks our 4 year antiversary. Healing and letting go the bitterness of the past is so important. My FWH had to remind me that today was our antiversary. The stigma and pain associated with today, didn't even cross my mind. This is a huge step, as 4 years ago I would have never thought this was even possible. Through healing I have been able to embrace this new relationship even with the scars of infidelity. And let go of the childlike projection of M that was an illusion covering a bad M. My new M is better than I could have ever dreamed of, and it is REAL. We are partners, best friends, lovers, parents. And I can again see dreams of the future with him.

To the BS, forgiveness is more than just forgiving the actions. But a continual process of forgiving the actions, the mind movies, the ghosts. It is an ongoing process, not 1 time forgiveness. In time, healing that open wound becomes less visceral. And those triggers that were once so painful, become an ache.

I liken it to a bone break. For a long time there is a lot of pain involved, but over time pain subsides. And eventually only has flare ups even though the scar is still there.

To all those attempting R, my best wishes love and prayers go out to you. Hoping for success in creating a better tomorrow than you could have ever dreamed of.

holesinmybucket, thank you so much for your words of encouragement, and your insight on forgiveness. It is an excellent perspective...one I needed to read today.

Congratulations to you on your journey through R. Wishing you and your FWH endless years of continued progress and happiness.

We have been doing well, still with bumps along the way, but I have encountered uncontrollable sadness this week, and I am not sure why. Anyway, I came to this thread this morning as I am crying while trying to get ready for work. Needed to read positive stories, thanks to all who take time to contribute to this thread.

A year ago today...

I walked in from an evening workout that I cut short by about 15 minutes. When I had left to go to the gym, my wife said she was tired and going to bed early (two days earlier, she had a surgery on her gums done). I left, came home and the bedroom door was closed, lights on. When I walked in, she was sitting on the bed, phone in hand. After a deer in the headlights look, she said "Can't talk. Gotta go." That didn't sit well with me, but I brushed it off. I asked the following morning about the abruptly ended call and that started a 3-day saga of "confession" (which was full of lies), detective work, trickle truth, contacting the AP (both of us), and breaking NC.

Over the past 12 months, I have lost weight, not slept, put weight back on, still not slept, lost weight again, and so much more. I have experienced the gamut of emotions that are common for the BS, riding the roller coaster for many, many months. I have learned the value of my business partners (who instinctively knew what was going on because they had experienced something similar), and the value of my Christian brothers.

I have found SI, which has helped in so many ways. I have learned to "take what you need and leave the rest". I have discovered that, even though I may not like that 2x4, it is delivered with love because the folks who swing it have been there, done that, and they don't want me to do something they know didn't work for them. Why? Because you all care.

I have also healed over the last 12 months. Not fully, but healed greatly. Just like from my life in baseball, I have scars from this relationship. Sometimes the scar tissue gets broken down and it hurts. But I am stronger as a result. Those scars have stories that I will someday pass on to my children and grandchildren. Not because I want to disparage my wife, but because I want to encourage them with what the long-term possibilities can be in surviving a massive relationship betrayal.

My wife and I are closer now than we have been in years. Not because of her A, but in spite of it. We have become more vulnerable and transparent. We don't hide things and make assumptions about the other's thoughts or feelings on the matter. We ask. We clarify. The wayward thinking is long gone (though it does creep up sometimes...because it was a habit in her life for so long).

Today, I have a full plate scheduled at work. We are headed over to see some friends this evening for dinner. I know what the date is. I know what happened a year ago. I know how I could have a day that was full of sadness and a "woe is me" attitude. But instead, I choose to live in the present. A year ago, the present was something I wanted to return. Today, that past is a learning experience, but not a place I will live. As I heard and was reminded in a sermon a couple of months ago: the past is a great teacher, but it's a terrible place to live.

Thank you, SI. So many of you have helped me get to the point where I am today. You listened. You encouraged. You challenged. You farted (I'm looking at you, NtV). Thank you all for helping me on the journey from surviving infidelity to thriving in my marriage.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 9:41 AM, January 5th (Friday)]

Figured I'd copy and paste this in here:

I guess I'm one of those people we often hear/talk about here on SI, who tends to log on less and less as things get better.

My H and I have been doing really well, so much so that I rarely think of the infidelity anymore (well, not the the extent that it brings me to my knees anymore, random things will still pop into my mind now and then). We are 2 years, 2 months out.

My H has changed in so many ways, he quit smoking 7 months ago, (he's smoked since he was 16 years old), he started working out, he still goes to therapy, he makes me his priority, he doesn't even make dirty jokes anymore and seems awkward whenever someone else does. He still has 100% transparency, still has the accountability app on his phone and has never asked to take it off, though I never check it anymore.

He's also gone back to the person I used to know, before the infidelity.

He is back to playing video games, getting back into gardening, planning on building a pond for his turtles, hanging out with our kids, etc. He had slowly started losing all hobbies during the years of infidelity, he was obsessed with his phone by the end. Half the time now, I get annoyed because he leaves his phone at home, lol.

We just bought a house together, something I have been dying to do for YEARS to give our kids some stability, and something the lazy, pathetic version of him never cared for or worked hard to do. I finally feel my children have stability after moving many times since 2011 when we left my home state and moved to be near his family (we moved 5 times between 2011 and 2016). After d-day we moved to FL, where my parents had moved 2 years prior so I would have emotional support and a place to go if he fucked up again.

I have thought of having him sign a post-nup just for peace of mind, it would be more to let me have full custody and ability to move my children where-ever, but might include him "buying me out" of the deed to the house.

I think if anything ever happened again, I'd likely move back to my home state and let him keep the house, so that's not really an issue for me. I already had him sign something after d-day giving me permission to move out of state with our kids whether he decided to come on his own or not, I'd just like it "refreshed" I guess, as that one was specific to moving them to FL.

At this point, I think he's made some pretty deep and permanent changes, and I don't foresee him fucking up his life again, (when I left after d-day and he thought life as he knew it was over, it scared the shit out of him), but like we've all learned, never say never. I feel pretty confident in him now though after 2+ years of consistent actions to fix himself and repair the damage to us.

Figured I'd pop in with a positive update.

I have triggers, I have insecurities and I have heartbreak. But having turned a corner in our relationship we face these things together, we communicate better than we ever did, sex is beyond amazing for both of us (sorry TMI) but that was never an issue for us aside from at the height of his LTA and a few rough patches where laziness or feelings affected us in the bedroom. He encourages me to stay healthy, reminds me to eat when i’m In a bad place (often he just makes me something to eat and reminds me that my health is important and that he’d Be lost without me). It’s been a long bumpy road but I can honestly say that we are in a good place ... a great place ... not because of infidelity ... in spite of infidelity! All too often I here people say it brought them closer ... but it’s not the reason you’re closer ... you put the work in ... marriage is work ... and when you work together amazing things can be achieved!

My wife and I are in a good place. Things are getting better after our trip.

We shared a few drinks, we laughed, hugged kissed, shared many I love yous and then ......

I turned on our wedding song from 30 years ago and we slow danced in the living room.

What a beautiful night.

Here we are, 19 months post D-Day and on New Year's Day, I felt absolutely ready to say goodbye to that sordid chapter in our marriage and face the future with my love. I have grown indifferent to the OW. Infidelity in movies and in the news no longer bother me. I'm at the point when I can remember without the pain. The journey to get to this point was far from easy, but I am at peace with the choices I have made since D-Day. I don't think I will ever trust my FWH 100% again. However, I trust in myself 100% to know that, if ever he cheats on me again, I will be able to leave this marriage without regrets and with my integrity intact. To those seeking affirmation and strength from reading this positive reconciliation stories thread, I can honestly say that healing is possible. I know that my healing is still an ongoing process, but time, love and commitment from both parties in the M will go a long way toward making R a beautiful reality.

Wow, it's been 15 years this month!

It took a while but we are healed and healthy! Our marriage is better than ever. It saddens me to see so many new members at this site, but I came back to say there is hope! Do the work and it can happen!

And I have to say that this site did more for me than any counselor ever did. Not saying the counseling didn't have it's place though. :)

[This message edited by Rollercoaster at 3:59 PM, January 15th (Monday)]

Rollercoaster- what a great way to give hope to those early in this mess. 15 years post DDAY is awesome! Congrats and thank you for sharing

I joined this site and forum recently because let's face it, I've been a horrible person in my marriage. I thought I was looking for answers with these forums but now I realize I can offer support to those who need it well as those who don't think they need it. I've had 7 different affairs with women starting in 2008 ish and ending June 2015. I've come to the point where I am very open about what occurred and feel that lying about anything is unproductive. I am going to be selfish in my first post because I am looking for help. I really need help. But if there is anything you read touches you, please reach out. If you are a guy or gal like me. Please stop. You don't realize it now but the pain later is horrible. I believe 90% of people are good people but they get themselves into situations and unfortunately don't know how to get themselves out.

So the reason I am here you ask. Well my wife is an angel. She truly is. She is a better person than me. She is a better person than a lot of people. She has a heart of gold as well being beautiful (my icing on an already great cake!) She took me back. She was always a very strong person and I thought once she found out with the last affair, she would have left me. That was not the case. Eventually everything I did came out and she still accepted me knowing it all. From June 2015 until just recently we began working on us. We went to counseling weekly until Jan 2017 and I thought we were getting better. I truly changed my ways. I opened up everything (emails, phone account) to her to prove I wanted her. I made a commitment to myself not to lose this girl and give up all the things I was doing previously to keep her. She was worth it. Yes there has been many ups and downs since then. Huge battles. But yet i thought we were returning to a normal happy couple. We laughed, we kissed, we had sex, we had fun, we vacationed, we made future plans (getting our basement refinished), and I thought the worse was behind us.

Then last week I made a comment about a friend I don't particularly care for and we argued about it. (I just think this friend and her drink way too much, not that I don't even really like her). That night passes and all I wanted was "your right" and got a I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm shocked. I'm still in shock a week later. I Love everything about her. We have made it 2+ years since finding all my crap out (D-Day) and now she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. She doesn't know if she's in love with me. Doesn't know if she is still sexually attracted to me. Doesn't know if she can forget. Doesn't want this for the rest of her life. I'm devastated. We have been sleeping in different rooms because she wants space. I'm so full of emotion and confused at the same time. I cry daily. I'm a cop and cops don't cry. We have had several hour long conversations since me being out of the room but they all have the same outcome. I beg and nothing. Act like I don't care and nothing. Like I said before, I made a commitment to her again after all the stuff came out. I truly love her with everything I have and don't want to lose her.

I now realize I need to change more. I did promise her things when this all came out (going to church and such) which I didn't do. I don't know if it was the shame or embarrassment I felt kept me back or what it was. I know it was hard for me to face a lot of people after everything came out.

Anyways I am looking for help. I know from the guy who ruined everything in my life. I know she loves me but how can I make this better and show her or support her more. Is there anyone with a success story? Rollercoaster for example I need help. I need her back. I just want a chance and I'll prove to her I can be what I promised. I didn't realize it was this bad. If that doesn't work then I truly know I gave it my all. I've read numerous things online with people making it work but it's all written by psychiatrist and not a "normal" person... please help me find someone in a similar situation that has worked through it all and knows it will be ok. I think she needs to hear from someone who has forgotten. She does love me and all this pain is worth it.

Badcop, I suggest you try re-posting in Wayward section of the forum, you will find many helpful people there who are/were in the situation similar to yours.

Also, check out The Healing Library as a crash course (you can also find abbreviations there - used a lot on SI).

Thanks dark hole. I guess I need to do a little more exploring on this site. I'm so hurt right now and my emotions are all over the place. Just need to breathe!

Really glad I read this thread tonight, was definitely not thinking positively. Thanks for sharing.