SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Every time my W mentions another man I get this sad fearful feeling like she will have another A. It’s like “I had to call the IT guy brain today” and I’m like boohoo 😞 why W screwed another dude. Will this ever go away?

I’ll probably post a lot of stupid crap since I’m bored as hell on my first day of quarantine.

It took me a lot of courage to share and seek help here. And I wasn't sure if it would be worthwhile.

But I just want to say thank you guys for replying to my questions. My ramblings.

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by the support here.

I will take time to read and reread and digest before replying and sharing my thoughts.

So I'm sitting here, in my room, sharing a house with the ex still. The one I wanted to rent fell through.

And she's in her room, next to mine, on a video chat with her degenerate lovers. I saw the OW's huge, round, pasty pig face all up close to the camera, and it filled me with rage. That walrus whore is the one my ex discarded me for? Her pencil-like dork of a husband, the walrus-trainer?

So I sat at my computer, and I opened up my router config and I selected her MAC address and I clicked Block.

The program asked me if I really wanted to cut that one off from all wifi and I hesitated. I sat there and looked at the confirmation box for a minute. I hovered my mouse over the 'yes' button, then shifted over to 'cancel' and closed out of my config.

I can hear her making plans of showing them the ocean, the beaches, having barbecues with them in this house... all the beaches I showed her, the ocean she first swam in with me, barbecues in my fucking back yard, and I just want to step through the door and take a golf club to that phone and her laptop and take the keys of the car that she drives that is still in my name and put it in my safe and change the code. I want to change the codes to all the door locks so once she is out she can't get back in.

But.

That is not the right or mature thing to do, and it would reflect more on me than it does on her.

Did I do the right thing, guys? Should I have let that little bit of petty out? Tomorrow is seven months since DDay2. The 19th is nine months since the last time I had sex, but it's been only seven months for her, probably less, what with all the "sleepovers" she's been doing with her best friend and her best friend's new boyfriend (also an adulterous relationship).

Man. This is some bullshit. I'm gonna go take a shower.

If I had a choice between having a bigger dick and being a musician, I'd choose being a musician

Damn. Another one to add to my corkboard! Thanks, sisoon. In my case, OM is a musician, has a much bigger following than I ever had, but has a smaller dick. My wife lost her virginity to him, and he is my son's biological father. It's all a freaking mess. I'm just happy my son is safe, getting good grades, and becoming very well adjusted despite all of his parents' shortcomings. That's the biggest blessing to me.

Will this ever go away?

No, but you'll heal and get a lot freaking better. I can guarantee that, Brew. Keeping working on yourself. You're worth it.

Machiavellia84 - This web site pretty much saved my life. I only hope I can give back a little bit of support here and there to try to pay it forward. It takes a lot of balls to post here, and you did it. I really hope you feel supported here, man, because you are.

Incarnate - You are taking the high road, and there is nothing wrong with that, as it benefits your kids. You DO need to vent about it and let it out, though, and this is the perfect place for it. I feel like you've been doing very well with getting a different source of income, etc. Do you have any other future plans to get out of this situation? How long do you plan on doing in-house separation. That has to be a special kind of torture. Here for you, man.

My future plans are "as soon as humanly possible." I already have the cosigner lined up and someone to help me with the down payment to get in, I'm paying down my debt, etc.

The ex is on the phone video chatting with her fucking walrus whore and its trainer, and they have their daughter with them. My ex has apparently been letting my youngest chat with their daughter, and now my youngest is saying, "If you marry them, then I won't be the youngest daughter anymore! Yay!"

And my blood is boiling. It's every fucking night. Every. Fucking. Night.

If I get a restraining order against them, does that stop them from being able to speak to my daughter?

Right after Dday my self esteem was in shambles, I had this strange urge to have my own affair. I went into immediate false R (due to TT) and the feeling went away. After a 180 and finally having a remorseful transparent W my gut is good and W has done all the requirements. She has not missed one IC appointment even comes home from appointments asking me “how could I have done this to you and our family?” All that to say at the moment things are good.

Recently came 6 month Dday and 29 year anniversary. For a couple days the urge and feeling for my own affair came back out of no where.

Please understand this is my head not my heart, I would never do this. My integrity and my example for my kids far out weighs any selfish thoughts I might have.

Question why would this feeling come back when things are improving and is this normal?

Comparisons... man. Both of my ww's aps were older rich dudes. It bugged the shit out of me for a while. Eventually though the folks here got it through my thick skull that her choices reflected something in her and had zero to do with me.

Tanner

As far as the desire to have an ra, I think that's pretty damn common. I know I came close. After d was files, but before reconciliation was offered I went on a blind date that coulda ended up somewhere. Beautiful woman directly offered. I couldn't do it. Part of me wanted to. Especially the biological part of me. But i just declined and went home. Cried some. It just wasn't me to do something like that. I like to think that when I was at my worst even then I couldn't cheat. That's probably just blowing smoke up my ass, but what's the point of being an inflatable if I can't blow smoke up my ass?

Guess what I'm getting at is that regardless of how much you think about it, ya gotta decide if that's who you are.

Rich/poor the pain of D-day is all the same. It came close to destroying me. Maybe I'll write more about that someday. Even though my ex deserves everything bad that comes her way I personally could never inflict this kind of pain on another. I don't judge other who react differently than I did to D-day because that pain stretches you so far beyond what you think is survivable.

In the end try your best not to do anything you will regret later. To me an RA is something I would regret. Do the best you you can and have compassion that sometimes you won't be perfect.

LosferWords

I totally agree. How are you doing?

I have good days and bad days. I think once I'm fully separated things will be a lot better. How about you?

HeartFullOfHoles

Even though my ex deserves everything bad that comes her way I personally could never inflict this kind of pain on another. I don't judge other who react differently than I did to D-day because that pain stretches you so far beyond what you think is survivable.

I relate to this so much. I can't imagine willingly inflicting this damage on someone - my STBXW has done it two or three times in her life (that I know about). There's something awful about a person who can do that.

In the end try your best not to do anything you will regret later. To me an RA is something I would regret. Do the best you you can and have compassion that sometimes you won't be perfect.

I agree with you here.

The only thing I have is my principles, values, and morals - I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I did my best not to knowingly harm another person maliciously.

All that to say at the moment things are good.

Great news for both of you. Congrats!

Question why would this feeling come back when things are improving and is this normal?

The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Temptation. It's part of the human condition.

That's probably just blowing smoke up my ass, but what's the point of being an inflatable if I can't blow smoke up my ass?

Bumper sticker material,

In the end try your best not to do anything you will regret later.

Weighing possible long-term consequences versus short-term pleasures and deciding it's not worth it is how a mature adult safely navigates through life.

I can't imagine willingly inflicting this damage on someone

My ex was cheated on in her first marriage so she knew what this pain was like, but she did it anyways. Of course she has minimized and blame-shifted everything so it's not really her fault and she didn't really do anything wrong

If I get a restraining order against them, does that stop them from being able to speak to my daughter?

Incarnate - From what I understand, no, the restraining order would have to be on the child. You'd have to talk to a good family lawyer to know for sure, though. Some family lawyers give a free initial consultation. Maybe something worth pursuing?

Please understand this is my head not my heart, I would never do this. My integrity and my example for my kids far out weighs any selfish thoughts I might have.

Question why would this feeling come back when things are improving and is this normal?

Tanner - I know a lot of people feel the need or desire for "justice". That might be where that feeling is coming from. Unfortunately, there is no justice in all of this. I didn't have an RA, but I cheated when my STBX and I were in the early months of dating. You don't want to lose your integrity. I've had to do a lot of therapy to figure out what made me do that. Worst decision of my life. I know you're not going to, but please don't go down that route. It only causes more pain.

I have good days and bad days. I think once I'm fully separated things will be a lot better. How about you?

TheLostOne2020 - Same here. I'm really hoping this divorce provides some closure and I can move on. Been at this for awhile, and it is definitely time.

Tanner, what's the feeling under the thoughts of an RA? If you get to the feeling, you can express it directly.

*****

My bike frame is back from powder coating. It's not perfect, but it's good enough. I really like how it looks.

Now I just have to put it together and ride.

Hi Gents. I've been away for a few weeks. It's been mad here. I have like 4 pages to catch up on.

Mr. Kite, congrats on the new Beagle. You all really make me want to get another dog. But, it's not something I can do, so -- I'll vicariously enjoy yours. And visit my Dad, so I can pet his, and throw a toy for her. Cuz really? Who doesn't like a good squeaky toy? Oh, and I'm glad you got the answers you needed from the polygraph. I hope things fall your way going forward.

Losfer, sorry again about the divorce man.

And Incarnate, I said before you have more strength that I do, you're entitled to a little "fuck it all" now and again, just click on "Cancel"

So -- beginning of February the boss came into the office sick on a Monday. By Tuesday afternoon I was flat on my back with a 102 degree fever and respiratory symptoms. If he'd been to China the week before I'd swear it was you know what. Had me out for a week, then another 2 weeks of coughing. The good part was I couldn't smoke during those three weeks. Not a one.

Which lasted right up to the first week of this month. When all hell broke loose at work. The electricians were replacing the generator at one of the nodes and two days in a row where they promised no power outages, they cut power to the whole rack. Took out a whole distribution node, plus the north and south 40Gb fiber feeds. And on day three I happened to catch it and got someone to the site 4 minutes before the battery backup went dead. That Friday I lost another node when techs were replacing the optics on a backup 10Gb feed that had failed and discovered that the primary link was flakey but not showing symptoms until they touched the secondary. Boom, node down. "Sure looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking."

Working from home these days, which makes the boss nervous. He hates remote work. Made that more than clear when I interviewed and mentioned that I'd been working remote for 15 years. So needless to say he's checking in every few minutes (I exaggerate only slightly) and I'm currently working on plans to prioritize and protect all the village, city, county and state police facilities, fire departments, hospitals, municipal facilities, Universities, K12s, the list keeps growing and growing.

By this time tomorrow I am sure that he will designate fully 75% of our customers as "critical" level. I've told him twice now that if we designate the majority of our customers's traffic as high-priority, it'll be like having no priority at all, but his list keeps growing. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my department head foot down and start cutting his list back. I don't like conflict.

Apparently I was one of the stupid ones who didn't go hoarding as soon as the rumors started. I haven't had time the last 3 weeks to go to the grocery store, so I got out Saturday. Holy crap, people! Honestly -- WTF?? I started the last roll of TP earlier in the week. There isn't a roll at ANY store in three counties. I have been to them all twice, over 200 miles driving, looking for fucking toilet paper. In Wal-Mart I watched a couple load 5 lbs of bacon into their fully packed cart. The wife looked at the man and said "Is that enough?" "You're tight, they have it" and loaded in another 5 lbs. Now, I like bacon as much as the next guy, but honestly? 10 lbs.? What the hell do you do with 10 lbs of bacon, even during the end of the world? I shouldn't complain though. I've been texting a lot with my friends in Germany the last couple weeks, and whatever we're going through, they've got it worse

Let's see, a week ago, we had a 70 degree day so the "old guyz" took to the road. There was driving, there was spirited driving, there might have been tire squealing on the curvy twisty roads going up and down the bluffs, there were tenderloins the size of a dinner plate, and there was a drive home after dark (time hadn't changed yet). The first time the S has been out after dark since last spring after getting it back from the body shop. It went into storage the end of April for three months for the paint to cure, and then sat pretty much during the summer. I drove it like three days in September when the regular car was in the shop for suspension work, then back under the cover at the end of October for the winter. I have no high beams, and the parking lights are intermittent, and half the backlights on the LCD dash are out. It's been in the shop since this morning and they have the front end and the dash disassembled and still haven't tracked down the problem. Five hours labor at $150/hr so far, and no idea yet.

So, now you're all up to date with the farce that is my life the last 6 weeks.

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 9:01 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

Mr. Kite, congrats on the new Beagle. You all really make me want to get another dog. But, it's not something I can do, so -- I'll vicariously enjoy yours. And visit my Dad, so I can pet his, and throw a toy for her. Cuz really? Who doesn't like a good squeaky toy? Oh, and I'm glad you got the answers you needed from the polygraph. I hope things fall your way going forward.

After doing some research it seems that Hank is a Blue Tick Beagle which explains his size and massive strength. Found a tick on his head today so off I went to get a Seresto collar. He had his first training session this afternoon. While the spikey collar the trainer used on him made me nervous, the results were amazing. He walked next to me without pulling and sat when he was told to.

So -- beginning of February the boss came into the office sick on a Monday. By Tuesday afternoon I was flat on my back with a 102 degree fever and respiratory symptoms. If he'd been to China the week before I'd swear it was you know what. Had me out for a week, then another 2 weeks of coughing.

Same symptoms, same timing here.

Apparently I was one of the stupid ones who didn't go hoarding as soon as the rumors started. I haven't had time the last 3 weeks to go to the grocery store, so I got out Saturday. Holy crap, people! Honestly -- WTF?? I started the last roll of TP earlier in the week. There isn't a roll at ANY store in three counties. I have been to them all twice, over 200 miles driving, looking for fucking toilet paper.

A guy on the radio said, "Since this is a respiratory virus why are people hoarding toilet paper? If this virus targeted the stomach would they be hoarding nasal spray?"

If worse comes to worse and all the toilet paper is gone, I'm dragging in the hose.

I have most of a case of Kleenex I bought in December if the TP runs out, though I expect the stores will have some in stock before that happens. Big house, numerous bathrooms each with their own stash and only me using them.

I almost hope all this horded food goes bad before it's used.

HeartFullOfHoles

My ex was cheated on in her first marriage so she knew what this pain was like, but she did it anyways. Of course she has minimized and blame-shifted everything so it's not really her fault and she didn't really do anything wrong

I got you beat. My STBXW was cheated on in her first series relationship by the guy she's currently cheating on me with. My 'wife' tried blame-shifting and still occasionally does, but she's been taking the responsibility for everything since, well, it's obviously her fault.

LosferWords

TheLostOne2020 - Same here. I'm really hoping this divorce provides some closure and I can move on. Been at this for awhile, and it is definitely time.

Thanks man. This is the roughest shit I've ever been through. The corona virus is making things ten times worse since it's closing everything.

Feels like the universe is conspiring against me.

HeartFullOfHoles

I have most of a case of Kleenex I bought in December if the TP runs out, though I expect the stores will have some in stock before that happens. Big house, numerous bathrooms each with their own stash and only me using them.

I almost hope all this horded food goes bad before it's used.

Buy a bidet - you'll use A LOT less toilet paper. If you buy one with a heater/dryer you might not need any.

They are relatively easy to install and very affordable.

Given I have a septic system that would be a good choice.

Go for it then - seriously, the one I bought was maybe $60 or so and it took about 15 minutes to install.

Mine doesn't have a heater or dryer, but it does the job.