When I learned about her cheating I was shocked and broken but my first reaction was blaming myself for being so blind, which I'm still doing, how didn't I see it? looking back, the writings on the wall were as a clear as they could be yet I was too arrogant to suspect anything was wrong or maybe I just rather not face the issue. After that I cowardly let My daughter handle the confrontations while I resorted to 180. I read here that 180 and exposing the A are highly recommended, I did both the first day before discovering this site not because I knew any better no, just because I'm good at avoiding problems or should I say I'm bad at facing them. I listen to all advice not just here but my brother, friends and parents they all make sense to me. I'm pretty sure if I only listen to the church folks before finding you guys I would have forgiven her already. I can not make my own opinion for whatever reason. I want divorce because it is the easiest way out and even D I wanted it as quick as possible. Do I have any idea how I will be feeling after D? hell no. but I wish there was a button I can just push then I'll instantly be in 2022. so I really think I'm sticking my head in the sand or a better description would be that I'm just closing my eyes and marching forward toward the closest door not really knowing what I would be stepping on.
...said everyone who got cheated on ever. Or at least in some variation on that theme.
Most of us do feel like we're making a mess of it. Many of us come in here blaming ourselves. Some of us sit on the fence in limbo for YEARS. You really are doing spectacularly well. And no, I don't think you're super susceptible to suggestion. I think you're open-minded and maybe spending a little time giving those suggestions some thought. Go back to your other thread, where I and some others posted to you about not blaming yourself and read those posts again. YOU are not the cause of all this. We can't control other people or their choices. And of course you didn't notice the red flags. You're not an expert in adultery, your mind doesn't think that way, and NOTHING in your life has prepared you for this. Don't be so hard on yourself.
As you've said though, you do continue marching for the door. That's been relatively consistent. But it's NOT necessarily a bad thing. Unlike some other people who can see no remorse in your WW, I do think her remorse is genuine and that, on her end, R is an option. Just because it's an option though doesn't mean it's right for YOU. You're the only one who can determine what you need going forward. R is hard. You have to come to a point at which you can accept what the WS has done and still be willing to love and support them. You have to put yourself out there with someone who has already PROVED that they're capable of betraying you. And worst of all, you have to take ownership of that choice and be content with making it. All the while, you're haunted by the knowledge of everything they've done. That's not to say it's impossible, because... look around, many of us have indeed chosen R. But it is difficult, and long.
Running straight out for the D doesn't always result in better healing either. We see plenty of divorcees still working through their pain many years later, some of them relitigating their own break-up vicariously in the threads of others. Some are lonely, still trying to find their footing, and dealing with unresolved trust issues.
So, there isn't any safe, guaranteed choice. The best choice is the one which is right for YOU. And only you can know it.
Here's an exercise for you that my therapist gave me... Imagine that you have all the resources you need, as much money and access to what you want, then design your own home. It can be a mansion or a little bungalow, whatever you like. Furnish it in any style and dig down into the details. Let your imagination flow. By the time you're through with this exercise, maybe you've spent some time imagining yourself living in that home and what your lifestyle might be, and even who it's peopled with. Right now, your thought process is constrained by real life, your assets and liabilities, your bills and obligations. This exercise demands that you throw all of that aside and just imagine what your house looks like when it can be ANYTHING. Give it a try. Spend some time and be thorough.
Anyway, I do think you'll need to speak with your WW again. But do it when YOU feel up to it and when you have an idea of what you'd like to accomplish with the meeting. As far as the OBS is concerned, maybe she's got more information and maybe she just wants to satisfy her curiosity. Do what feels comfortable on that. I get that she did you a favor by informing you of the adultery, but you don't owe her constant access to your pain. Right now, your best bet is to be thinking about YOU; what you need, what you want, where you want to be a year from now. This is very much like putting your own oxygen mask on first, right? You can't help others until you've strengthened yourself.
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:32 PM, August 19th (Wednesday)]
