SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

W and I were talking to an older couple at a store and W told them our 29th Anniversary is coming up. They said wow that’s admirable to make it that long. It triggered the hell out me. I want to crawl in a hole because all I can think is “sure it’s easy, when the going gets tough have multiple affairs”. I’m not looking forward to this anniversary because I don’t want any atta boys and definitely don’t want atta girls.

Feel free to skip your anniversary. I skipped the first three after d-day, gave her a card last year. This year will be 15 years. I'm curious to see what my FWW will do this year.

I can relate to the not wanting to hear any Atta girls. I like to think that I should get an Atta boy for working through the shit show.

I do believe that even with the infidelity, 29 years (or 31 for us) is still a great accomplishment.

Mr.Kite, I'm so glad your W started telling the truth. The fewer lies in this world, the better.

As always, I wish you the best. Truth is a good base to build on.

*****

Thanks for the good wishes, newparadigm. I'm budget-constrained, so I just want a good job at a good price as quickly as possible, so I can get back to riding, albeit riding inside on a trainer.

If I were willing to spend the money for 2 colors, I'd be able to do a deep blue or bright red, with some white; the deep blues and reds I like just don't look good without some relief. As it is, I chose 'light mint glossy,'and I expect I'll like it a lot. It's a lot like Bianchi's Celeste color. In fact, since Bianchi has produced a bunch of colors it calls 'Celeste,' light mint glossy is probably exactly like one of them.

Mr.Kite, I'm so glad your W started telling the truth. The fewer lies in this world, the better.

As always, I wish you the best. Truth is a good base to build on.

Thanks sisoon, and to all who chimed in. It's taken almost 26 years since D-Day 1 to get to this point.

The dog hunt continues. Some of the rescue sites however, either don't return emails or charge exorbitant prices. Don't want to start over with a puppy but I may end up going in that direction.

How the fuck is everyone? This thread was picking up steam, then just kinda died.

My job role has changed almost completely as of last Friday. I'm writing new code in my new role in a new (to me) language on my own starting tomorrow. I do enjoy a good challenge, though. Fun times.

Got my son an Xbox One X for his birthday. We are having some fun with that. I think we've figured out most of the major glitches in Madden 20, and most of our games look like basketball scores now. Any game recommendations?

Any game recommendations?

I recently dug out my son's old video game consoles, Nintendo 64 and Gamecube. I've been playing Mario Kart and Medal of Honor: Frontline(running around with a bazooka and blowing stuff up).

On the dog front, if all goes well by the middle of next week I should be able to adopt a one and a half year old male Beagle. It'll be 5 hours round trip. The things we do for love.

OK, Losfer....

I'm venting here.

I'm under a lot of stress as a condo board member. We've been sued by one owner who accuses us of not doing things that we actually are doing. For example, the law states we should build a reserve. Until a year ago, we commingled all our savings in one account. Then we set up a capital reserve. Then he sued us for commingling funds - yes, after we set up the formal reserve, he sued us for not having a formal reserve!

Another owner is outraged because we have a reserve. He wants to cut assessments.

The owner who's suing us apparently is doing constant construction in his unit. The people below him have been complaining to the board with no specific data for months. Now the shithead is sending emails to all owners.

I caused a leak from our apartment to the one downstairs, and the owner I hurt will probably have to use her insurance to cover the damage. (That's Illinois law, apparently, per our lawyer.)

Another owner has been a PITA since she moved in almost 3 years ago. At the last board meeting she argued that the law wasn't the law, that the building isn't built the way the building actually is built, and that a city agency's reasonable requirement isn't really a requirement.

Yet another owner, who has to do a lot of repair work in her unit is writing emails to the whole building complaining of health hazards that don't exist, except under specific circumstances. Her emails implicitly blame the board for the way the building was built 50 years ago.

No one who is on the board now wants to re-up, except me - and I only want to do it because no one here has any business sense.

And we're facing some major repair expenses that no one ever anticipated.

We may have to move, and I do not want to do that. I don't want my own house. I want to live in this neighborhood, and I can't afford a house here anyway. And if we move into a condo, we face the same risk of living with nasty, stupid people.

Again, I'm just venting. We have a good lawyer, and I have good liability insurance.

End of vent

My bike is being powder coated. I've listed a bunch of bike parts that I don't need on ebay, and a couple of pieces have actually sold for decent prices. I really look forward to getting my bike back and putting it together.

New hearing aids make music sound like music, and that is great. We're going to an orchestral concert in a couple of weeks, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'd listen to music at home, but the laptop as me hooked.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:37 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]

I’ve felt really turned on by my W lately I’m not sure what the cause is maybe some HB idk. The problem is that I want to have sex with her but I feel inadequate because of the A, our sex life has always been vanilla and I know she enjoyed the sex with AP better. I Idon’t even feel confident she wants to be doing it with me. How do I handle this? Just man up and make my move or discuss it with her and get her feelings about the situation.

I’ll be dusting off my bike soon I bought it in 2002 to deal with an emotional crises and rode like a mad man, it felt great. Hope to do the same this season

I recommend talking with your W, maybe admit your sense of inadequacy and ask her to show interest. Whether she does or doesn't, you have some necessary information. It's nice if she shows interest, because she has to keep showing an interest.

Then do what comes naturally.

WRT the bike - I recommend creating some goals, and I strongly recommend making 'have fun' on of the top 2 goals. Stress relief can be the other top one, as can miles, speed, hours, companionship, etc. But make fun one of the top 2.

It’s not really that I don’t think she wants too, her thing is she likes me to be assertive and make the first move and show aggression and I’ve always had a hard time with this, I’m a little passive but I’m having an even harder time now. I feel like my balls have been cut off, I just can’t stop thinking about how good OM felt knowing he was fucking someone else’s wife, who’s your daddy type of stuff.

Brew3x,

You say you're passive. Do you want to be active? If so, it's up to you to change and perhaps to get help changing. If you don't want to change, so be it. IOW, I urge to to think about and be how/what/who you want to be and not think about how/what/who you think others want you to be.

Not initiating puzzles em, if you're talking about sex. How do you get sex if you don't initiate? It seems like a guaranteed way to get less sex than you want. I'm asking, not criticizing.

Maybe you practice Daoism - wu wei, in non-action nothing will be left undone....

I can understand your W wanting you to initiate, but in the aftermath of my W's A, I most definitely wanted her to initiate some, too - if I was going to stick around, I surely wanted to know she desired me. Your wanting your W to show she desires you makes perfect sense to me.

Like most of us, I went through periods of feeling my balls had been cut off, but I kept telling myself they were still attached. I kept telling myself I was intact, and my W's lousy choices didn't change that, no matter how I felt.

Supportive self-talk is a very important element in healing from being betrayed. I know it's hard to do it sometimes, but positive self-talk heals.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:44 AM, March 6th (Friday)]

Not initiating puzzles em, if you're talking about sex. How do you get sex if you don't initiate? It seems like a guaranteed way to get less sex than you want. I'm asking, not criticizing.

Sisoon

It’s not that I don’t initiate sex I just suck at it, I’m a little socially awkward and lack a little confidence, I guess if I look deep probably lack self esteem. I’ve been working on the passive behavior for a while and have been doing better telling my W what I want. Yes I probably get a lot less sex than I should because of this behavior. I’ve been like this for a long time my whole life. I had rejection early on from girls and never really built up any confidence, even now knowing I’m successful, in shape and have good personality it’s hard. I’m trying and I’m better than I was yesterday

Edit: someone described me as sounding apathetic in one my previous posts I think this better describes me than passive, I lack emotion to many things in life.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 11:42 AM, March 6th (Friday)]

All I can say, Brew, is that the self-image we create as kids is very damned powerful.

I'm an ex-consultant, so I can also say: you know where you are, you know where you want to be, and you're working on getting from the first to the second. You can't reasonably ask any more of yourself than that.

One of my requirements for R was for my W to show that she wanted me. I recommend doing something like that. It takes some of the burden off you, and it's a good test. If your W does it, you win by eventually feeling wanted. If she doesn't, you can cut her loose and free yourself to find someone who does want you.

And you're the prize, even if you don't believe that yet.

How do I deal with the anger that is starting to build. I tried hitting my punching bag, lifting heavier, didn’t really have any effect. I guess I’ll try the range next. Hobbies seem pointless at this point I’m already a month behind on my spring gardening, seems like I’ll never feel like opening the pool.

Brew3x - The anger isn't going to go anywhere anytime soon. Best to accept that sooner rather than later. In my experience, anything that would get my mind off of the anger for 30-60 minutes a day was a great help and relief. When the anger is constant, it is good to get that break. Martial arts training helped me the most, particularly with the Filipino stick fighting. If I lost concentration and thought about the anger, I'd get hit with a stick, either my own, or whomever I was sparring with. You're doing the right things. Keep doing them. Find new things if you can. Accept the anger and deal with it. If you stuff it down, that's going to have some bad ramifications. Try not to do that. You'll find your balance, but in the meantime, please know that what you are feeling is completely normal, given your circumstances. The only way out is through, and you've got this.

I took martial arts when I was in my twenties and really enjoyed it, that’s why I was hitting my punching bag, I’ve been thinking about get back into it. The things I learned are real rusty and I think at the very least the confidence boost would be good.

The best exercise for anger that I've ever done was at the suggestion of a therapist:

1) Take a few pieces of 8.5" x 11" paper and a pen or pencil.

2) Complete the sentence by hand (no typing): 'I'm angry/furious/enraged about ____' or 'I'm angry/furious/enraged that ____.'

3) Stop after 5 minutes, if you get that far.

Of course, meditation also helps.

The anger was in me, like it's in just about everybody else. If it doesn't get expressed it gets stuffed, and stuffed anger is very dangerous. So I like doing something active.

I got a lot of satisfaction telling my W that I was angry about things she did. I got no satisfaction from calling her names, but saying, 'I'm furious that you lied to me' (with appropriate affect) helped a lot. It also tested her - if she didn't stand and take it without getting defensive, I didn't need her.

that’s why I was hitting my punching bag

Keep doing that. I had a bunch of lumber in my basement and really damaged my hands breaking that stack of lumber up. A punching bag is much better. I needed to do it, though.

Any advice sisoon offers? listen to that as well. I did, even though his d-day was after mine. Dude knows his shit, whether you're trying to reconcile or split.

As of yesterday, I am officially filed for divorce. Got a lot ahead of me, but it's a start.