I have been feeling better, I read a book that really kind of helped me see things from a new perspective. It talked about my world view and sabotage.
My three basic truths are I am a loser, people are stupid and life sucks.
There was a big process to get to that point but bear with me.
I feel like I am a loser so I attract losers or see my self in them and want to fix them, but really I want them to fix me.
People are stupid, I know that is a gross over exaggeration , but I tend to end up at that point, I called my exe stupid a couple of times, granted she did some really stupid things but she blamed her ADHD.
Life sucks, well in my case it does but that is all relative.
The book went on to talk about how we view things.
I view getting cheated on as a wound to the heart.
She viewed cheating on me as a way out. Maybe I don't know but she wasn't in a position were she could leave without finding a sugar daddy.
It made me think about a lot of things. It went on to talk about the past and how there isn't anything we can do about it. We can only effect the present and change our future.
Kind of like affirmations but I viewed it as I need to focus on my future instead of dwelling on the past.
I read it on Wednesday, yesterday and today have been good most of the day. I have been on match and have been talking to a few women which helps my ego and pride. Met one for coffee, it was a dud but I am talking to a new one which might be something.
Sometimes I think of how she replaced me so quickly and moved on without skipping a beat, but really I don't know how long she was talking to the married millionaire before so it might have been months or even a year.
I have thoughts of walking in on her reading "Letting Go", she said it was about getting over her mother's death 20 some odd years ago, but maybe it was her getting over me. I also caught her reading crucial conversations and asked her about it and she said she was having trouble with a client. She never did have a conversation with me to let me know she was at the point of cheating.
I missed the signs I guess and when I struggle it's from the fact that I ended up meaning so very little to her. She cheated and left without batting an eye. That is what hurts the most I suppose and the thing that I can't really process fully.
I know we both had checked out of the relationship, I thought it was a down spot and that we would recover, she thought it was a down spot and found a new dick.
I have been NC for 52 days and am 62 days out from Dday. I know in the grand scheme of things that isn't very long but I honestly don't want to pine away for years over this shit.
I still fantasize about her reaching out to me and what I would say. The same cold distance responses she gave me. "Nope I am good" and ending it there.
I know it's not healthy to fantasize about it and really have tried to put it all past me but I struggle sometimes.
95% of me thinks I will never hear from her again, the 5% is unsure, all my exe's have reached out to me since I started dating. I don't know if it is my way of trying to hold onto hope that she will realize she made a mistake, to soothe my ego or if it is something else.
I started seeing an IC last week, we will see how it goes. I know getting laid will help rebuild a lot of what I am struggling with, but I really know it's the best thing that could have happened, not the cheating but her leaving.
I was so unhappy with the life we had together and was so alone most all the time, we didn't spend time together, we didn't really do anything together except sex every other day.
I don't know what I am looking for in this post, not platitudes certainly but just if any of you have had/felt/been experiences like this?